Should I have this discussion with my inlaws or just let it go?

skibunny59 · October 2013

My mom usually takes care of DD while I'm at work but my inlaws take care of her on Wednesdays. They are both retired and they go away a lot so it doesn't end up being every week. For example, she was there this past Wednesday but they are going away for three weeks so she won't be there again until they come home.

Anyway, the tv is always on. Usually it's because FIL is watching it. Every once in awhile they put something on for DD. I'm not crazy about the tv being on all the time but I'm not sure if I should say something since she's not really there all that much. Also, I'm not sure how to tactfully tell FIL that I don't want him watching tv in his own home.

Last week when I picked her up, they were all sitting on the couch (DD included) and Property Brothers was on. DD is 18 months by the way.

Netty_3 · October 2013

You can ask...but if they're providing care for free I guess you get what you pay for. Property Brothers isn't the worst thing either...I mean if it were like a crime drama AHS or some crude show I'd definitely be upset...but an HGTV show?

shannm · October 2013

Let it go.

skibunny59 · October 2013

Netty_3 said:

You can ask...but if they're providing care for free I guess you get what you pay for. Property Brothers isn't the worst thing either...I mean if it were like a crime drama AHS or some crude show I'd definitely be upset...but an HGTV show?

No Property Brothers isn't bad but there have definitely been times that I pick her up and FIL is watching Law and Order.

ccam · October 2013

I personally would let it go. If it was violent or inappropriate, I might ask them if they can avoid that stuff. But your LO is there once a week, if that, so it's not an every day thing. And it sounds like they are doing this as a favor to you, so I wouldn't tell them that they couldn't watch tv. It's not like they're plopping her in front of the tv all day.

emberlee3 · October 2013

It's reasonable to at least have a conversation about what programming is acceptable. HGTV is benign, but Law and Order can be fairly graphic. Ask him to watch that stuff during naptime or when your LO is in another room.

skibunny59 · October 2013

ccam said:

I personally would let it go. If it was violent or inappropriate, I might ask them if they can avoid that stuff. But your LO is there once a week, if that, so it's not an every day thing. And it sounds like they are doing this as a favor to you, so I wouldn't tell them that they couldn't watch tv. It's not like they're plopping her in front of the tv all day.

Nope. Actually, my mom would glady take her everyday. They actually asked us if they could take her one day a week because they wanted to spend more time with her. Honestly, I think my DH kind of talked them into taking her one day a week. I think he's jealous that my parents get to spend a lot of time with her.

The thing that makes me crazy is that I feel like they don't really do anything with her. My mom plays with her and takes her outside and does all kinds of little activities with her. I don't know for sure but I feel like when she's at the inlaws they just watch tv or are on their computers and she's just kind of there.

I really don't like my inlaws at all. The only reason I bring her there is because it only ends up being 2 or 3 times a month if that and it's important to DH. They live the next town over and DH feels like they would never see her if they didn't watch her that one day a week. I was off all summer (I'm a teacher) and they never once called to see if they could stop by to hang out with DD or anything. They're so freakin' weird. DH gets annoyed by this all the time. Especially since my parents always want to spend time with her and love playing with her.

sillygirlio · October 2013

Are you paying for them to watch her? If not, don't bring it up... they're doing you a favor and you have no room to complain about it. If you don't like what they're doing, you could take her elsewhere, but that would probably cause more trouble than it's worth.

Virgo17 · October 2013

If it's important to DH that his parents have that one day a week with her, then I would just let it go. One day a week of more TV time than you would like is not going to do irreversible damage, assuming it is nothing inappropriate. Honestly, this sounds like it's more about your dislike for your in-laws vs. actual concern for your child.

If you are worried about what they do with her, then when you pick her up ask questions. "How was she today? Did she eat/nap/play well?". These types of questions don't sound like you are interrogating, but would give you some insight into what they did that day other than watch TV.

BeachBum73 · October 2013

I'm pretty laid back so I don't see the big deal - especially for one day a week or less. I think it almost becomes white noise when it's on all the time.

Pips09 · October 2013

I'd let the tv go, but I'd require that it not be adult-content (including no L&O).

traveltheworld · October 2013

Your situation sounds a bit like mine. My ILS take DS once a week (their request), but not consistently. At first I was bothered by the fact that they don't seem to do much with DS - they don't even go outside most days and there are no toys/children's books at their house. But then I spent a few hours with them one day and realized they just have a different way of interacting with DS. For example, my FIL would take a magazine and point out all the animals, my MIL uses kitchen gloves to do "puppet" shows for DS. It's kind of ingenious in a way. And I also figured that one day of "boredom" isn't going to hurt DS. All the literature I've read said that children should be left alone to explore things on their own from time to time.

As to the TV thing - have you generally talked to your ILs about your general view of no TV? I've never told my ILs that DS can't watch TV at their house, but in general conversations I had with them, I've mentioned that I don't let DS watch TV at home. Initially my ILs were surprised and asked why, so I explained it and used the "oh kids these days are so into gadgets and electronics, so I don't want them to start that so young" rationale. I found that by emphasizing how much I liked the way people in their generation brought up their kids (no TV, lots of outside time, lots of time for children to explore), they were more receptive.

skibunny59 · October 2013

Virgo17 said:

If it's important to DH that his parents have that one day a week with her, then I would just let it go. One day a week of more TV time than you would like is not going to do irreversible damage, assuming it is nothing inappropriate. Honestly, this sounds like it's more about your dislike for your in-laws vs. actual concern for your child.

If you are worried about what they do with her, then when you pick her up ask questions. "How was she today? Did she eat/nap/play well?". These types of questions don't sound like you are interrogating, but would give you some insight into what they did that day other than watch TV.

I admit that you are partly right.

mexicolombiana · October 2013

Sucks. I know how you feel but I would personally let it go. It's only once a week. I also bet it's more of you just disliking your in-laws (like you admitted above).

My MIL drives me nuts for a million reasons (she also rarely sees the kids but whatever) but when she's with them I usually just leave the room so I don't have to see the annoying things she does or doesn't do with them. It's just for a little while,and some people really just like the TV on all the time and nothing is gonna change that.

FemShep · October 2013

My aunt/grandfather usually has the TV on at all times, and my grandfather loves NCIS, which is both extremely gory and on at pretty much all hours because of syndication, as far as I can tell. I tried to take a relaxed approach because it's their house, but I did eventually ask them, nicely, to not watch NCIS around my DD because it started to give her nightmares. After I mentioned it, they were much more aware of what was on the TV around DD and never watched NCIS around her again.

Since it's so important to your DH that his parents watch your LO, perhaps he could ask them to be more aware of what's on the TV? A good study on watching violence or feedback from your pediatrician is a great conversation starter. "Mom and Dad, at LO's most recent checkup, the doctor reminded us to limit TV as much as possible etc etc."

ebp913 · October 2013

traveltheworld said:

Your situation sounds a bit like mine. My ILS take DS once a week (their request), but not consistently. At first I was bothered by the fact that they don't seem to do much with DS - they don't even go outside most days and there are no toys/children's books at their house. But then I spent a few hours with them one day and realized they just have a different way of interacting with DS. For example, my FIL would take a magazine and point out all the animals, my MIL uses kitchen gloves to do "puppet" shows for DS. It's kind of ingenious in a way. And I also figured that one day of "boredom" isn't going to hurt DS. All the literature I've read said that children should be left alone to explore things on their own from time to time.
As to the TV thing - have you generally talked to your ILs about your general view of no TV? I've never told my ILs that DS can't watch TV at their house, but in general conversations I had with them, I've mentioned that I don't let DS watch TV at home. Initially my ILs were surprised and asked why, so I explained it and used the "oh kids these days are so into gadgets and electronics, so I don't want them to start that so young" rationale. I found that by emphasizing how much I liked the way people in their generation brought up their kids (no TV, lots of outside time, lots of time for children to explore), they were more receptive.

This is my in laws too. They are super lazy but provide excellent care for my kids. They are just literally the biggest home bodies I have ever seen. My mom on the other hand wants to be on the go all the time. They both provide awesome care, just in different ways.

*sparky* · October 2013

I agree w/the PP's to let it go since it sounds like it's really only 2-3 times a month and it is important to your DH as it sounds like it is really the only time they spend with her. If you pick her up and they are watching L&O again, though, I would say something about that. She is old enough to be aware of violence and graphic images and that is definitely not child appropriate. Property Brothers, though, I would not get worked up over.

ccam · October 2013

skibunny59 said:

ccam said:

I personally would let it go. If it was violent or inappropriate, I might ask them if they can avoid that stuff. But your LO is there once a week, if that, so it's not an every day thing. And it sounds like they are doing this as a favor to you, so I wouldn't tell them that they couldn't watch tv. It's not like they're plopping her in front of the tv all day.

Nope. Actually, my mom would glady take her everyday. They actually asked us if they could take her one day a week because they wanted to spend more time with her. Honestly, I think my DH kind of talked them into taking her one day a week. I think he's jealous that my parents get to spend a lot of time with her.

The thing that makes me crazy is that I feel like they don't really do anything with her. My mom plays with her and takes her outside and does all kinds of little activities with her. I don't know for sure but I feel like when she's at the inlaws they just watch tv or are on their computers and she's just kind of there.

I really don't like my inlaws at all. The only reason I bring her there is because it only ends up being 2 or 3 times a month if that and it's important to DH. They live the next town over and DH feels like they would never see her if they didn't watch her that one day a week. I was off all summer (I'm a teacher) and they never once called to see if they could stop by to hang out with DD or anything. They're so freakin' weird. DH gets annoyed by this all the time. Especially since my parents always want to spend time with her and love playing with her.

I meant that you don't pay them, but I totally get it.

mommymegan831 · October 2013

I would let it go. Since it's only 1 day it would be great if they did play with her all day, but at her age kids need to learn to play by themselves too so I wouldn't be too upset if they were watching her while on the computer.

I'm also not super close with my inlaws although I see them almost once a week and it definitely effects their relationship with my kids. I'm a teacher too and home in the summer. This year MIL watched SIL's kids all summer so she would call me a few times so my kids could keep her grandkids busy, but the 1st 2 years of DD's life she never called me over the summer, even on the many days that she did watch her grandson.

nosoup4u · October 2013

It would drive me crazy, but let it go.

groovygrl · October 2013

Eh yeah let it go esp since it isn't like she is sitting there watching, it is on int he background. My in laws cannot watch our kids at all unless it is bedtime and we have them already fed in pjs and in front of a movie so all they have to do is put them to bed when it is over so it is all in your perspective I guess... My mom is also much more hands on but I like my kids to spend time with the in laws to bc they should have a relationship and some memories with them too (mine live far away and we don't see them often though)

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