at a complete loss with our 2-year-old

jesstellina · October 2013

Hi everybody! I lurk here pretty often but don't post much. Hope you don't mind me soliciting some advice.

We have a VERY independent little girl who turned 2 in July. As she's gotten older and started doing things on her own and being very verbal about wanting to do them on her own, we've tried to foster that. I want her to be confident and independent. Plus, we learned pretty quickly that it might seem slow when she's doing things her way, but it will be even slower if we try to do it for her, have to let her freak out, calm down, and then do it herself anyway. For example, there's some major construction happening on our street right now, and our sidewalk and the end of our driveway are now just mud. If one of us tries to help lift her over the mud to get in the car, she'll say, "No, let MEEE do it," get down, and walk back to the place where you initially picked her up so she can walk that distance herself. We've gotten used to these things during the day and do pretty well for the most part.

The big problem is at night. She wears panties while she's awake now, but we still put diapers on her at night and for naps. For a few months now, she's been throwing giant fits about putting her diaper on at night. There is just no reasoning with her. We give her plenty of warning and let her know how things are gonna be - "after this we'll take a bath, then daddy will come upstairs, then we'll go in your room and put your diaper on. Please cooperate with us and lay down on your diaper like a big girl." And she says Yes. But when the time actually comes, it's a huge issue. Like I said, you cannot do anything for her. So we can't actually put her on the diaper because she freaks out. So instead she spins all around her room, and we keep asking her to come put her diaper on. Tons of time passes, and she gets more tired and even harder to reason with. Most nights we either end up leaving her room and telling her to tell us when she's ready for her diaper, or we actually try to hold her down and put it on her (which is torture for all involved and doesn't work anyway

).

We typically let her watch a little bit of TV after dinner, then take her bath. Well a couple nights this week I reversed things instead, so that she could get her diaper and jammies on while she watched TV. That worked really well and was so easy... but I don't want to have to do that all the time!! We really limit her tv, and if she's already watched some during the day, I don't let her watch more after dinner.

Another thing I've thought of is buying disposable pullups. :-/ I really don't want to. I love my CD's and hate disposables. But I wonder if having a one-step thing that she could pull up herself would help.

Any thoughts??

musicalmama5 · October 2013

I'd just go for the Pull Ups. But I do disposables at night anyway, so it's NBD for me. I think parenting is learning to pick your battles, so this might be one case where letting her do it herself is more important than CDing!

Emerald27 · October 2013

DS isn't quite 2, but he does like doing things for himself, he is very independent, and he does tend to throw fits when he doesn't get his way.

I really think that in addition to everything else toddlers are challenged with, they test boundaries so that they can learn where they are. DS is always testing boundaries. Is this ok? Well - sort of. What he can and can't do are not self-evident. He does have to learn where the boundaries lie. But does he need to listen and respect established boundaries? You betcha.

We have the exact same mud issue by our driveway, but I don't let DS walk on it because it would get his car seat muddy. We do sensory play in other ways, so I'm not depriving him too much of this awesomeness. He kicks and yells and is mad for a moment when I pick him up, but I'm firm and gentle, and I explain that he cannot play with the mud because it will get the car dirty. I then offer him an alternative, his toy train works great.

I don't mean this reply to become too long and drawn out, but it does sound like you might be sacrificing much needed boundaries for the sake of respecting your daughter's independence. Kids have to do some things they don't want to do, and sometimes parents must gently "make" them. Offering choices and alternatives where possible, remaining calm and gentle but firm while she expresses her big emotions, and being consistent in your expectations will provide a structure and boundaries that she can lean on.

cpmich · October 2013

Welcome to life with a 2 year old. It has gotten more intense as we get to 3. Seriously, pick your battles wisely. Once you pick one, don't lose. That being said, she is fighting for one of two reasons... 1. She thinks diapers are for babies. Pull ups might help this. 2. She sees putting on the diaper as a step towards bedtime and she is stalling. Pull ups will not help this.

KateLouise · October 2013

On the nappy front, could you invest in some cloth pull-ups?

That aside, I agree with pp that sometimes you simply have to gently enforce the boundary.

I also agree that 2 is a tough age. Hang in there.

belladonna11307 · October 2013

Yep, we're facing the boundary testing here pretty hard core too. I'd try giving her options - like diaper on first or brush your hair first (or whatever part of your routine is flexible) and then tell her if she doesn't choose by the time I count to three, Mommy will choose. Whatever she chooses we stick to (even if that choice was not choosing). We still have battles over things at times, but I feel like I've given her the opportunity to exert control and laid out what she needs to do and what will happen if she doesn't. Even if she's not happy tonight, maybe tomorrow will be different. Good luck!

aglenn · October 2013

You could also put on cloth training pants with a waterproof cover, or just the cloth pants and put a sheet protector on the bed. But if a few minutes of TV works, that would be OK with me too. This too shall pass and she will likely find a brand new way to try to buck the system in a few weeks.

PipSqueak0313 · October 2013

I use Best Bottoms cloth diapers and I know they make a pull up version for potty training so there are cloth versions of Pull-Ups out there.....

When I was putting dd and ds1 to bed when they were young I told them they had X number of minutes of "Mommy's time". They could either use that time for getting ready for bed and then have no snuggle time afterwards or they could hurry through getting ready for bed and have the remainder for snuggle time. I was lucky in that the age spread between my first two allowed me to put ds1 to bed and have his "Mommy time" before it was dd's bedtime and she could have her "Mommy time" before it was my "bedtime".

"after this we'll take a bath, then daddy will come upstairs, then we'll go in your room and put your diaper on. Please cooperate with us and lay down on your diaper like a big girl." To me, this sounds like you are giving her the option to NOT do what you want her to do and she is choosing that option.

neverblushed · October 2013

Pull ups or diaper her standing up.

My DD hated the "turtle on your back" feeling of laying down to be diapered "like a baby" when she was 2. After a loonnggg time of strife, I realized -- duh -- she didn't HAVE to be lying down. It's possible to diaper a standing child.

cpmich · October 2013

neverblushed said:
Pull ups or diaper her standing up.

My DD hated the "turtle on your back" feeling of laying down to be diapered "like a baby" when she was 2. After a loonnggg time of strife, I realized -- duh -- she didn't HAVE to be lying down. It's possible to diaper a standing child.

We absolutely did standing diaper changes here too. Playing with something on a shelf really really helped changes go quickly. I actually prefer a standing change to a laying down change. :-)

nosoup4u · October 2013

Just get disposable pull ups or some Super Undies, which are cloth overnight pull ups. Or you can attach one side of the diaper and have her step in them. Life is too short to fret about disposable pull ups, it's worth not having a battle.

erbear · October 2013

There's not much point in reasoning with a 2 year old. I would stop asking and tell her that we wear diapers at night and call it a day. Or let her wear undies and clean up pee. Either way, there is a line whereby you are the parent and she is the child, and for me, 45 minutes before bed might be it.

TiffanyBerry · October 2013

I think we did standing diaper changes starting at 18mo or something.

jesstellina · October 2013

PipSqueak0313 said:

I use Best Bottoms cloth diapers and I know they make a pull up version for potty training so there are cloth versions of Pull-Ups out there.....
When I was putting dd and ds1 to bed when they were young I told them they had X number of minutes of "Mommy's time". They could either use that time for getting ready for bed and then have no snuggle time afterwards or they could hurry through getting ready for bed and have the remainder for snuggle time. I was lucky in that the age spread between my first two allowed me to put ds1 to bed and have his "Mommy time" before it was dd's bedtime and she could have her "Mommy time" before it was my "bedtime".

"after this we'll take a bath, then daddy will come upstairs, then we'll go in your room and put your diaper on. Please cooperate with us and lay down on your diaper like a big girl." To me, this sounds like you are giving her the option to NOT do what you want her to do and she is choosing that option.

Well she needs to put a diaper on either way. I guess the option is to cooperate and do it the "easy way" or to resist, run away, and scream her head off.

Thanks for the suggestions. I have seen the BB pullups. I just wondered if they would be absorbent enough. Right now she still wears a big fitted diaper, and it's really wet every morning.

pixieprincss · October 2013

I'm not clear on why she can't wear undies to bed. DS1 was ready at that age to switch to undies at night. Might she be? We keep a potty next to his bed on a waterproof cloth. He potties by himself at night or holds it until morning. Is something like that possible? For the first couple weeks, we put a pad under him. We CDed so we had a wool cover we put on him, too.

As for the mud thing--there are some things I cannot for whatever reason let my kid go back and redo. In that case, I think my job is to listen with empathy, re-articulate what he's saying so he knows he's been heard, and help him grieve the loss of the experience he wanted.

greenhope · October 2013

Would some cloth training pants (that look like undies) and maybe a hemp liner be absorbent enough for her over night?.

Also I wouldn't worry about too much tv. Because if you're worrying about too much tv you aren't going to be giving her too much tv. Parents who don't thin ktv is a problem are the ones who give too much, kwim?

I also agree with picking your battles. Sometimes my son decides he must have or do the oddest (to me) things. But as long as no one is getting hurt I let him try and explore.

blush64 · October 2013

pixieprincss said:

I'm not clear on why she can't wear undies to bed. DS1 was ready at that age to switch to undies at night. Might she be? We keep a potty next to his bed on a waterproof cloth. He potties by himself at night or holds it until morning. Is something like that possible? For the first couple weeks, we put a pad under him. We CDed so we had a wool cover we put on him, too.
As for the mud thing--there are some things I cannot for whatever reason let my kid go back and redo. In that case, I think my job is to listen with empathy, re-articulate what he's saying so he knows he's been heard, and help him grieve the loss of the experience he wanted.

I agree with all of this. I never used a diaper or pull up at night after I started potty training. I know that's not going to work for every situation but once my kids were ready they wanted nothing more to do with diapers.

nosoup4u · October 2013

DS2 stopped peeing at night when he potty trained - he's about to turn three. DS1 is 5.5 and still pees overnight. Some kids just don't stop peeing overnight after potty training.

I have a pocket diapers type overnight pull up I got for DS2, and have been using regular inserts in them. It's bulky, but does the job.

jesstellina · October 2013

Maybe I made this sound like it was more about the diaper than it really was. LOL Bedtime is by far the hardest time of day for us, so it stands out. But what I really struggle with in a lot of different situations is just how strong-willed she is. I feel like I'm always struggling between trying to be consistent (continuing not to let her do something if I've already said she can't) and asking myself how important each "battle" really is. At times, like @Emerald27 said, I admit that I do probably get a little too permissive, because it is SO EXHAUSTING to struggle with her constantly.

I read [most of] Positive Discipline for Toddlers, and I really wanted to go with that method, but I didn't feel in the end like there was much practical advice I could use. At this point we mainly try to talk through things, keep routines, and talk through things ahead of time so she knows what to expect. But then when something tiny happens that sets her off, I just don't know how to handle it.

Emerald27 · October 2013

You may find this article completely irrelevant to your situation, @jesstellina, but I'm always looking for ideas for positive, gentle discipline for DS, and I like some of the ones listed here.

The article is written as "alternatives to time out", but I think it's great in general.

Not to say that you need to be disciplining DD, but just to help you have some ideas for how to handle the being consistent, following through, and helping her learn a lesson when she can't do something, needs to do something, etc.

https://theattachedfamily.com/?p=4168

Best of luck! I always thought it must get easier as they grow. I'd say to myself "oh, how easy it will be when he's mobile/bigger/can talk", and now I realize that it just becomes more complicated as time goes by! I do love my little bundle of toddler more than life, but he's a handful!

musicalmama5 · October 2013

Emerald27 said:

You may find this article completely irrelevant to your situation, @jesstellina, but I'm always looking for ideas for positive, gentle discipline for DS, and I like some of the ones listed here. The article is written as "alternatives to time out", but I think it's great in general. Not to say that you need to be disciplining DD, but just to help you have some ideas for how to handle the being consistent, following through, and helping her learn a lesson when she can't do something, needs to do something, etc. https://theattachedfamily.com/?p=4168 Best of luck! I always thought it must get easier as they grow. I'd say to myself "oh, how easy it will be when he's mobile/bigger/can talk", and now I realize that it just becomes more complicated as time goes by! I do love my little bundle of toddler more than life, but he's a handful!

I love that article! I will definitely employ those techniques when DS is a bit older!

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