I don't think I can trust DH with the kids anymore.

PepperStick · October 2013

I'm at a loss of what to do.

Backstory: I go to school and take night classes two days a week. I'm gone from 5pm - 6pm. Last night during my break, I call DH to see if DS is sleeping since he's been having trouble falling asleep. Well, DH tells me he took the kids to his buddies house who lives in the same town as my school. This is around 15/20 minutes from our home. This would be fine, but I take our vehicle that has both car seats.

He put the extra car seat in for DS and just buckled DD (Who JUST turned 3 last weekend) in the backseat. THEN he brought them from his buddies house to his parents house that is around 5 minutes away and up the street from my school where I met them.

I was livid. I almost started crying in class. Who the fuck does that? There was no emergency, no nothing. DH did think it was an emergency though. There is another long story to go with that but it was not. (Long story short, friend's house burned down last week. DH had no idea until now because the two only talk every month/every couple months or so.) I mean, it happened last week and DH had no idea until last night when he happened to call this friend.

I'm so upset. I have no idea what to do. We were JUST talking about how DS needs to rear face as long as possible but DH didn't seem to think so because "he never rode in a car seat and he's fine." There was also another incident last weekend that he said but I won't even say it because it was pretty awful.

I'm really at a loss of what to do. He's never done anything/said anything like this before so it all hit me at once and now I'm completely lost.

BPer · October 2013

Um, holy shit. So your H totally denies that it was a really stupid and dangerous move on his part?

kelbel527 · October 2013

I don't know that I would go as far to say you can't trust him with the kids at all. But that's an awfully dumb move. I'd be LIVID.

Does he recognize that he did something idiotic?

Stasi · October 2013

That sucks. I think that you have every right to be upset by that. I would sit down and explain to your DH that even though he grew up with lax car seat safety and was okay, lots of kids have been injured and killed by lack of car seats. You could also pull up what the legal requirements for car seats/boosters are in your state and show him how much trouble he could have been in had he been pulled over.

Personally, I would say that I was upset, but I wouldn't make him feel like a POS for doing what he did (this one time). Everything turned out ok, but in the future, it might not. Maybe a "I know you'd never be able to live with yourself if something bad would have happened" just to drive home the point?

Best of luck!

PepperStick · October 2013

No! And that is the worst of it. He seems to think this was some sort of emergency because he "needed to be there for his friend" but they are barely friends anymore.

He just brushed it off anytime I brought it up last night. I guess I shouldn't say I don't trust him completely, I just don't trust him to be alone with them with no car seats because he'll obviously still go wherever the hell he wants.

MRoxy0628 · October 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this. My only suggestion is to communicate to him that you won't be leaving the kids alone with him unless he can promise that he'll respect the wishes you have regarding their care. While I normally agree that parents should be on the same page about decisions, when it comes to the life of my child, I don't mess around.

Has something changed with your H that is causing him to make these decisions?

Stasi · October 2013

Another suggestion. If you can swing it, maybe invest in another carseat (or enough car seats) so each of your cars has a seat in it 100% of the time. This is, if he's unwilling to budge on the matter.

melody921 · October 2013

Wow, definitely a dumb move on his part. And his claims that he never rode in a car seat don't hold up bc the laws were different when we were kids, and there were fewer cars on the road. When we know more, we do better for the next generation. You need to make it abundantly clear to him that the choices he made were not OK safety-wise. It's not practical to say you're never leaving the kids with him, but you two need to be on the same page. Also, when you're out of the house w/o the kids, why don't you leave him the car with the car seats? If there truly were an emergency, he'd be stuck if you have them.

PepperStick · October 2013

MRoxy0628 said:

I'm sorry you're going through this. My only suggestion is to communicate to him that you won't be leaving the kids alone with him unless he can promise that he'll respect the wishes you have regarding their care. While I normally agree that parents should be on the same page about decisions, when it comes to the life of my child, I don't mess around.

Has something changed with your H that is causing him to make these decisions?

Not that I know of.

This is what I told him when we were having the rear facing conversation, don't risk our children's lives for your convenience.

I also told him if he doesn't want to do the research about it then he can't question my judgement about it. It's not hurting him for DS to be rear facing so I didn't understand why he was so "against it."

PepperStick · October 2013

mnkate said:

I'm really sorry, Pepper. What a shitty, shitty situation.

Did he have the same stance with DD?

I would take the "education" approach. That's typically what I do with DH if I feel strongly about something and want him to come around to my line of thinking. Show videos, share articles. Pound it into his head what exactly he's putting at risk with those careless decisions.

Good luck, lady.

He did want to switch DD at a year but I told him the new recommendations and he dropped it after that. She rear-faced until 19ish months and we only switched her because it was a nightmare to ride with her. (She would scream until she threw up and stopped as soon as we forward faced her). I think a lot of it has to do with his best friend who also is really lax when it comes to car seat safety. They forward faced their kid as soon as he turned one and DH got a lot of flack when we didn't forward face DD. We got a lot of "She's STILL rear facing?!"

I printed out a ton of articles and research for him to read or look at. It's just so not like him. I mean, he's always the over protective helicopter type parent when it comes to them. Except when it comes to vehicle things. He just doesn't think it's necessary since no one in our generation rode in car seats and "we all lived."

It's not really in our budget but I think we will be getting another car seat so both cars will have two. He did end up rear facing DS last night though when he put the spare car seat. When I asked him if he did he said "Of course I did." Uh, whut?

OceanLover26 · October 2013

I'm sorry to hear about that. I would sit him down and have a big talk. Anything his friend needed could have waited an hour for you to get home. And I would tell him that car seats are not negotiable and like @mnkate said, take the educational approach. I would stand my ground on this one. This is one of those times. Hopefully he will see your side and be supportive. Good luck!

mamaHippo23 · October 2013

My son's father and I have this type of conflict all the time. There are certain things that I assume are a "given" when a parent (or any caregiver) is responsible for a child, such as- putting their safety first at all times, meeting their basic human needs, responding to harm or distress, and enforcing rules for behavior/ conduct. To me, these are non-negotiable priorities and anyone caring for a child is expected to understand that and act accordingly. I naively assumed that this was common knowledge to any adult who wasn't raised by wolves. Apparently, that is not the case.

I know you are furious, but if you come at him guns blazing, with a stack of car seat literature, he will most likely get defensive. If your night class is only one hour, 2 nights a week, I would just tell him very specifically what he is supposed to do during that time and what you absolutely do NOT want him to do. Next time he has an "emergency" tell him to wait patiently at the house, like a grown-up, until you come home and then he can leave to go save his buddy's cat from a tree or whatever.

Flamingemu · October 2013

auroraloo said:

Stasi said:

Another suggestion. If you can swing it, maybe invest in another carseat (or enough car seats) so each of your cars has a seat in it 100% of the time. This is, if he's unwilling to budge on the matter.

Or just leave the car with carseats and take his to class?

This is where I am at too.

Also, take a breather. Then, sit down when the kids are asleep and calmly explain why you are bothered, what constitutes an emergency, and why he couldn't have waited an hour. Isn't that dinnertime anyway?

watercolor5 · October 2013

auroraloo said:

Stasi said:

Another suggestion. If you can swing it, maybe invest in another carseat (or enough car seats) so each of your cars has a seat in it 100% of the time. This is, if he's unwilling to budge on the matter.

Or just leave the car with carseats and take his to class?

This makes the most sense to me, too. If being lax about carseats is your biggest complaint, just make sure that he's never with a vehicle without them already in and properly installed. Asking him to follow current state safety laws regarding your kids shouldn't be too much to ask, but make it so he'd have to go out of his way to NOT follow them.

ifwisheswerefishes · October 2013

auroraloo said:

watercolor5 said:

auroraloo said:

Stasi said:

Another suggestion. If you can swing it, maybe invest in another carseat (or enough car seats) so each of your cars has a seat in it 100% of the time. This is, if he's unwilling to budge on the matter.

Or just leave the car with carseats and take his to class?

This makes the most sense to me, too. If being lax about carseats is your biggest complaint, just make sure that he's never with a vehicle without them already in and properly installed. Asking him to follow current state safety laws regarding your kids shouldn't be too much to ask, but make it so he'd have to go out of his way to NOT follow them.

I would never leave H without carseats, what if something happened to one of the kids and he needed to take them to the ER? Ambulances take time, yo.

This is what I do because I am the worrier. DH is an EMT so he's just as anal about car seat safety as I am.

I am so sorry that this happened. I would be out of my mind LIVID at him!

Stasi · October 2013

auroraloo said:

watercolor5 said:

auroraloo said:

Stasi said:

Another suggestion. If you can swing it, maybe invest in another carseat (or enough car seats) so each of your cars has a seat in it 100% of the time. This is, if he's unwilling to budge on the matter.

Or just leave the car with carseats and take his to class?

This makes the most sense to me, too. If being lax about carseats is your biggest complaint, just make sure that he's never with a vehicle without them already in and properly installed. Asking him to follow current state safety laws regarding your kids shouldn't be too much to ask, but make it so he'd have to go out of his way to NOT follow them.

I would never leave H without carseats, what if something happened to one of the kids and he needed to take them to the ER? Ambulances take time, yo.

Agreed. Having to buy 3 convertible car seats wasn't fun (one for each of our cars, one to leave with the babysitter, who occasionally takes DD out, plus has kids of her own in school and might need to get them in an emergency). Parting with that much money hurt, but not having to stress about it is worth it.

Hyaline · October 2013

He make a giant fucking mistake, and I'd be livid. That said--I don't think I'd have an issue trusting him if that problem was addressed. Yes, he used poor judgment, but if this is the one time in 3 years of having children together he's used poor judgment, I'd fix the problem and move on. Buy enough carseats so that this will not ever be an issue again.

This wasn't an emergency, but if there had been one, it's not like the kids would magically have been safe in the car without proper seats because it was a real-mergency and not a man-mergency, you know?

hmp1 · October 2013

We make sure the car seats stay with the kids. When we have a babysitter, we always leave the keys out for our other car in case there is an emergency. Either leave the seat or buy another.

I would be livid too and even more upset that he brushed off my concern. DH didn't do any of the research for car seats but overtime he has become informed by me having conversations with him. He actually enjoys when people say something about James rf, he has the tools to have an intelligent conversation about it and is never swayed by someone else. I think your DH needs to feel more comfortable with your parenting decisions so he doesn't feel pressured by a friend that does something different. And know the laws. A 3 year old has to be in a car seat in our state, and I bet all states.

eshee8198 · October 2013

I'm sorry. That sucks. When DD was around 8 months old, DH feel asleep on the couch with her while I was at an event. They were both asleep on the couch, sitting next to each other, when I got home. I freaked the F out at him. It's hard to sit back and not judge your spouse's parenting when you think it puts your kids at risk. I'd have a calm, honest conversation with him. to be fair, if it was me, I tend to also give him statistics. Like, "it bothers me, because I was just reading about how x number of kids xxxx each year. And I love DD very much, so I can't help but worry that xxx will happen." And then I cry to let him know I'm serious. But DH also knows that I'm anxious by nature, so hearing how it affects me is more impactful to him. I think it's just the guy "I'm invincible" thing. Sorry, I'm more rambling that I am helpful. I'm sorry. It's a shitty thing to deal with.

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