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Applying for a job without telling DH?

Nechie122Nechie122 member
in Working Moms
A former colleague of mine flagged a job at her new company that is seemingly perfect for me ... the only problem is it's located halfway across the country.

I'm tempted to apply on a whim and see what happens. For all I know, an out-of-state address will get my resume immediately tossed.

However, if I mention it to DH it would be a Whole Big Thing and I'm not sure it's worth having the whole "future" talk over a whim.

If it were you, could you in good conscience apply without telling your DH? I just feel like there are so many steps between hitting send on a resume and actually, you know, relocating our family.

Just curious to see what others think.
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Re: Applying for a job without telling DH?

  • QueSrahQueSrah member
    No.  It's one thing to contemplate taking a new local job on a whim, but it really is a Big Thing to take a new job halfway across the country.  And even if you're doing it for the experience and just to see if it could happen, what they might offer, you still have to let your DH know.  What happens if you get an in-person interview?  Do you spring the trip on him as, "oh, I applied for this job a few weeks ago on a lark, and was surprised that they actually want to meet me"?  That might turn into an Even Bigger Thing, because it could come across as you planning a move without him.  If nothing else, tell him you want to apply just to see and that it doesn't mean you actually plan to uproot the family without getting his buy in first.
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  • thedashthedash member
    No. I would tell him my reasons for applying. Even if they are just to learn more about how competitive I am and what kind of salary I could get offered. If I found out he applied to something in another city without telling me I'd be annoyed and wonder why it was a secret.
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  • Karla CSKarla CS member
    If you're seriously considering taking the job, you would be uprooting the whole family, and that needs to be discussed in advance. 

    If you're not seriously considering taking the job if you were offered it, you're wasting the interviewers time or potentially risking your friend's political capital if she's offering to recommend you.
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  • Nechie122Nechie122 member
    All good points. I would seriously consider taking it ... but DH would probably be resistant. I know that, which is probably why I'm scared to mention it. I guess that means I should pass on applying for now.
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  • *sparky**sparky* member
    Nechie122 said:
    All good points. I would seriously consider taking it ... but DH would probably be resistant. I know that, which is probably why I'm scared to mention it. I guess that means I should pass on applying for now.

    I would at least bring it up to him if it's something you think you would consider.  I would not apply without mentioning it first for the reasons others brought up.  You don't want to get into the process, have your DH be upset that you applied without telling him and say he has no interest in moving, and then have to go back to your former colleague to tell them you really have no interest in pursuing the job.  Then everyone is upset!

     

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  • sugarbear0524sugarbear0524 member
    I don't keep secrets from DH. I just don't. Especially about big things.

    If you think the discussion about the possibility of applying to the job would be bad, can you imagine the discussion about you going cross country to the interview (once he found out you applied without discussing it with him)?
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  • Virgo17Virgo17 member
    I would definitely mention it to DH.  The truth is, you do need to have a discussion about the future if you plan on applying for it.  You don't need to have details pinned down of course, but a general idea of what the salary would need to be to make it worth it, what DH would do for work or if he would work, etc. 

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  • aeh72aeh72 member
    If it's a job that you would truly consider taking if offered it, then yes, you do need to talk to your husband about it before even applying.  It is a "whole big thing" to up and relocate your family and (I'm guessing) your husband to potentially have to change jobs too.  Have the big discussion now - about this job and any other possiblities to move in the future -  and decide together what you want for your family.  Then, when these types of opportunities come along, you'll know if it's an option for you or not, and there shouldn't need to be any drama or arguments about it if you're both abiding by the decision you made together.
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  • Nechie122Nechie122 member
    Thanks again, everyone. My intention was not to hide anything but more of a question about when it becomes "need to know," i.e. why worry him if there might not be anything to even worry about? Sounds like I have my answer!

    We've certainly discussed relocating. It's actually not so much an "if" question, but a "when" question. But he really likes his job so I can't see opening this conversation without it being, "Well, is this job better for YOUR career than my job is for MINE?" He's not a jerk about it, but I hate that talk.
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  • groovygrlgroovygrl member
    Is there any way you can call and inquire more about it before applying? In that case I wouldn't tell him until you had more info & some solid reasons for applying that you could run by him before applying.
    MH is our primary breadwinner & does not consult w/ me before doing informal phone interviews or talking to recruiters about jobs that are not in our immediate area and it doesn't bother me. If he wants to formally interview & keep the process going & it is in a place that we have not already agreed that I/we would be willing to move, I would expect to have a conversation. However, relocation is a reality in our lives & we've already moved twice for his jobs so I am already in the mindset of this being the situation.
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