February 2013 Moms
eriannc22
member
I like cookies.
Feeling burnt out...
eriannc22
member
Anyone else feeling worn down after 7 to 8 months of infant care?
I try hard to be positive and remember that this is only temporary, but I feel so overwhelmed by my high needs baby sometimes. I extended my maternity leave to be home with him and from day 1 he's been incredibly fussy and hard to please. He still needs to be nursed to sleep most of the time and at night I can barely sneak away to go get some things done or spend time with DH. He is still waking up every two hours at night and nurses so much I wake up more empty than full. He can't sit and play by himself for longer than 5 minutes and must be constantly entertained. Nothing keeps him happy for long. I spend all day running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make him happy and can barely get 1 minute to brush my teeth or make lunch. He doesn't like the stroller, doesn't take a bottle, can only last 15 or so minutes in the car. He doesn't crawl or seem to have any desire to crawl. He wants to be held so he can stand all day.
When he was really little DH could hold him for naps or rock him to sleep at night. But since about 3 months DS wants nothing to do with him. Within 2 minutes of him holding him he flips out and screams hysterically. DH also doesn't lift a finger to help out around the house. (We fought about it yesterday to no avail.) My mom comes once a week to hold him and that's the only day I get things like laundry done. I baby wear but can't pull clothes in and out with him. And he gets pissed if I'm not constantly in motion while wearing him.
I just thought it would be a little better by now, but it seems worse than ever. I know he has a tooth growing but it's been two weeks and he's still extremely fussy and clingy. I just feel overwhelmed. People keep saying it's my fault that I need to just let him cry. I don't feel like I'm coddling him, he's just a baby. But it's so hard when even DH acts like the fussiness is my fault.
Anyway...thanks for reading. I go to mommy groups and baby story time and see my friends with babies and feel like no one else's babies act like DS. No one really understands when I try to explain. I just wish he would calm down a little.
I try hard to be positive and remember that this is only temporary, but I feel so overwhelmed by my high needs baby sometimes. I extended my maternity leave to be home with him and from day 1 he's been incredibly fussy and hard to please. He still needs to be nursed to sleep most of the time and at night I can barely sneak away to go get some things done or spend time with DH. He is still waking up every two hours at night and nurses so much I wake up more empty than full. He can't sit and play by himself for longer than 5 minutes and must be constantly entertained. Nothing keeps him happy for long. I spend all day running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make him happy and can barely get 1 minute to brush my teeth or make lunch. He doesn't like the stroller, doesn't take a bottle, can only last 15 or so minutes in the car. He doesn't crawl or seem to have any desire to crawl. He wants to be held so he can stand all day.
When he was really little DH could hold him for naps or rock him to sleep at night. But since about 3 months DS wants nothing to do with him. Within 2 minutes of him holding him he flips out and screams hysterically. DH also doesn't lift a finger to help out around the house. (We fought about it yesterday to no avail.) My mom comes once a week to hold him and that's the only day I get things like laundry done. I baby wear but can't pull clothes in and out with him. And he gets pissed if I'm not constantly in motion while wearing him.
I just thought it would be a little better by now, but it seems worse than ever. I know he has a tooth growing but it's been two weeks and he's still extremely fussy and clingy. I just feel overwhelmed. People keep saying it's my fault that I need to just let him cry. I don't feel like I'm coddling him, he's just a baby. But it's so hard when even DH acts like the fussiness is my fault.
Anyway...thanks for reading. I go to mommy groups and baby story time and see my friends with babies and feel like no one else's babies act like DS. No one really understands when I try to explain. I just wish he would calm down a little.
I like cookies.
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Re: Feeling burnt out...
My first bit of advice is to get a carrier that lets you wear him on your back. As a mother who tends to create very high needs babies, it's the only way I make it through the days. The baby gets to feel like I'm holding her all day long, she can nap as she pleases back there, and I get to do what I want with my arms. Everyone wins. Do it!!
My second bit of advice is going to sound harsh, but I mean this with love, so please don't take offense. I think part of the feeling of being burned out has to do with our expectations of motherhood. Society would have us believe that having baby is rough for a few months and then they are supposed to start sleeping perfectly and your life pretty much goes back to normal with the added bonus of a cute baby to play with. That isn't how it works and I wish people would be more realistic about it. Having a baby changes everything. Your life is no longer your own. You don't really get the luxury of having your own life, at least for the first few years, because your life revolves around the baby and what they need. I know people are going to disagree with me and say that you can have it all - your own life and a perfectly content, sleeping baby - but I truly disagree. The only way I see that possible is to do extreme training early on, where they CIO, or to have a ton of help around you that bears some of your mothering burden.
I think that when we change our expectations to something more realistic, it makes it more manageable. If I sit and think about everything I want - to get a night of sleep without anyone touching me, to go out with some friends for a night, to even take a relaxing bath in peace without someone knocking on the door because they need me - I start to get negative. But when I try to remind myself that all of this is normal and is what I signed up for when I started having children, I can't really get down about it. It is what it is, and I'm going to pull up my big girl skirt and get it done.
It DOES get better. I promise you. It's a phase - a natural one - that every mother goes through. Anything worth doing is going to be hard. God never promised that this journey would be easy. He just promised that in the end it would be rewarding.
I don't know if you are a woman of faith, but if you are, cling to it right now. I wouldn't make it through most days without prayer and the support of my Father. I need His patience and wisdom and strength every minute of every hour in order to keep from falling apart, it seems. But when it starts to get hard - when I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and I feel like I haven't had a moment to myself in years - in a strange way it makes me feel closer to Him. I remember the sacrifice that was made on my behalf, the reward that I am promised for raising children for Him, and it makes my burden right now feel much lighter.
I realize that all of that means little to you if you aren't a believer. Ignore me if I sound crazy
Finally, please give yourself grace. This is the hardest job in the world. I don't care what anyone says. When you're doing it RIGHT, this is the hardest job in the entire world. Cut yourself slack. Let yourself stay in your jammies all day. Let the kids stay in theirs. Let the laundry pile up and the dust accumulate, and put the unnecessary tasks of hold for as long as you need to. If you're feeling like you're in survival mode right now, that's what you need to focus on - surviving. Take a nap with the baby if you can, go to bed early, or do whatever else you need to.
Just remember (at the risk of sounding like one of those really annoying STMs), you WILL look back on this phase one day and beat yourself up for wishing it away if that is what you are doing. These moments when they are babies are just so precious. Find a way to enjoy it. If it means lowering your expectations for yourself, and especially your baby, do it. They won't be this little forever. I promise!
OP, I can sympathize. My baby isn't as high needs as yours seems to be. She does all of those things but she can play by herself for closer to 45 min once or twice in a day. But since she hates being left in the pack m play and is crawling I can't just walk away to do the dishes. In the ergo i have to be moving so I can pick up around the apt but dishes and folding laundry are a no-go. She likes to hang out with DH but only I can put her to sleep since she only nurses to sleep.
My mom and in laws are too set in their routines to come over and help and my dad is in another state. Other relatives are too busy too. I have a friend who comes over once a week for a few hours and that helps. I'm not planning on going back to work at this point until the spring. We need my income to save money but it is too heartbreaking to try to get DD to sleep without me. She is too bonded to me at the moment and because of how precious babyhood is and how neglected I felt as a child I do not want to leave her at night to back to work.
I often day dream of a traditional communal life where al of the women in a village are there to help the new mothers but the reality is that even in that situation there is still a lot of work to be done. In that fantasy I am used to it though and so adamwife's words rang true for me. I have to get used to this and I was never prepared even being a nanny for a while on my early 20's was not adequate preparation. I didn't k ow how hard it would really be or how stressed out I would be all of the time!
But I know that the personal rewards are great. No matter how my relationship with DD changes in the future if I can let motherhood change me I will be a better person for it. If I resist the challenge of motherhood I become negative and loose out on a great gift: an opportunity to be more than I was before motherhood.
I want to have more kids but before I can even think about thriving with a full plate o motherhood I have to learn how to survive with my first taste o motherhood.
Some of what I have written may not pertain to your situation but I wanted to commiserate and share.
Also, you sound like you are doing a great job and I know your child will be thankful for it when he is old enough to understand (which may not be until he becomes a father himself but still). An Internet pat on the back, thumbs up and hugs to you!
If such a thing as husband/daddy boot camp existed though, I'd be signing up DH to go. I'm looking forward to DS's daddy only phase someday.
I like cookies.
As far as DHs go - mine was pretty worthless with #1. In fact, he's still pretty worthless with the teeny babies. But he is wonderful with toddlers. Once they are big and sturdy and he can roughhouse with them, DH sort of takes over for me and the kids feel like a lot less work. Maybe your DH will be that way too!