Heartbroken... mom left state to have the baby.

Singledad23 · October 2013

Greetings all. Wish I had some happier news to report, but I recently found out that my ex/BM moved back to her family home to have our baby. I hadn't heard from her in several months, and I guess this explains why. The due date passed a few weeks ago, and I don't know if the baby was born healthy, what her name is, or when if ever I will get to see her. The mom, her family, and her friends refuse to respond to me in any way, despite the fact that I have been continually offering to help in any way I can. I spent the last 6 months getting ready to be a good father- I have piles of baby clothes and supplies, took classes in newborn care and CPR, and reading every book I can find about parenting. I am absolutely prepared to be a terrific father to this child, but my ex and her family are completely shutting me out. I think the fact that she has no money and no job drove her home, but I'm worried that problems with her mental and emotional health were big factors as well.

I'm completely devastated. I'm a few weeks into a paternity leave that I arranged months ago, and I'm talking to a lawyer to explore my options. My goal was for us to co-parent our daughter, 50/50 legal and physical custody, but that seems impossible now. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation? I know I can still establish paternity, but it seems like my options are incredibly limited from there.

Any advice or words of support would be much appreciated. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

Sad_dad

pinitbaby · October 2013

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm not quite sure what to say as far as what you can do except keep trying to get in contact with her? You have a right to see the baby but if your name isn't on the birth certificate then that might make things a lil difficult so be prepared for things like that.
I'm sorry I can't help more but you should take pride in yourself that you're a father who wants to be there! Keep your chin up and good luck to you

Monkeybird84 · October 2013

I'm sorry you have to go through this. A father who makes every effort to be the best father he can be should never be excluded from his child's life. I wish my son's sperm donor had your attitude. Keep your chin up and follow your lawyer's advice. Even without your name on the birth certificate, I would think the state would establish paternity if you file. You would have to file in the state where the baby was born, though.

inthelost · October 2013

Keep talking to the lawyer and establish paternity. I agree with monkeybird that any father that makes every effort to be a part of his child's life should never be excluded from that child's life. I also wish my daughter's "sperm donor" had the same attitude that you did. Don't be afraid to fight for your rights! I'm sorry you have to go through this and I wish you all the best.

CoIvie · October 2013

that is just stupid!!!! There's women like us who wish we had someone like you and there's women like her who take it for granted! I have no advice but I'm sorry to hear that. Like the ladies above said, listen to your lawyer.

20thirteen · October 2013

Also, don't forget, if you have documentation of this girl's impaired mental ability, show it to your lawyer. Even if you are only interested in 50/50 custody, the court needs to know if she is mentally stable. Sorry to hear, you sound like a great guy, I wish you all the luck in the world.

Much love and good vibes sent your way.

babymama619 · October 2013

That's really too bad. I was thinking about your original post just the other day and wondering how it turned out. Is definitely keep dealing with the lawyer and pursue paternity establishment. However I think you're right that it will be hard, at least at this point to work out a 50/50 arrangement, unless you're willing to move to where she is.

Hopefully though the lawyer can get you access to your little girl if you are willing to travel. Even though it's tough the BM is keeping you out if the loop, it would be unreasonable to expect a newborn to travel to be with you, or even for the baby to be away from her mom at this point.

Again, I'm sorry this is playing out this way, but hopefully in the near future you will get to meet and hold your LO.

Singledad23 · October 2013

Thanks all. I posted on the 'new dads' page too, but it's helpful to get some perspective from moms too. I'm trying to be patient and thoughtful about my approach, but it's hard when I think about missing my little girl's first few weeks of life. I have started writing letters to her- I don't know if anything will ever come of them, but I'm hoping it will help me feel connected and maybe I can give them to her someday.

It's also good to hear even very sympathetic moms pointing out that a newborn shouldn't be travelling a lot, and time with her mom is incredibly important. I totally agree, and it's really important to me that my daughter has tons of mommy time, even if mommy is treating me like crap at the moment. So I'll get on a plane to go see her if I have to, though that's such a pain, plus it's incredibly expensive. I actually think if my ex would just talk to me for five minutes, she would be really surprised at how reasonable my requests would be. So step one is to open up some line of communication, and that's what I'm focused on now.

And really, thanks to everyone who took the time to write me a note. Every little bit of support helps.

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