Anyone else struggling with their faith? (kind of long)

SA1112 · October 2013

After our first miscarriage, I was extremely angry at God and didn't understand why he would allow my baby to die. It would make me so mad when people would say it was part of God's plan. I also questioned if I was being punished for something. It took awhile but I eventually started praying and going back to church.

We then lost a second baby, but this time I tried to keep some faith. However, our testing came back with my DH having a genetic issue and I again started to really question why we had to endure this pain and struggle. I couldn't understand what lesson this could be teaching me or any good that would come of it.

We continued to go to church but it became something I was forcing myself to do, hoping that if I could show God I was a good Catholic that he would give us a baby. I stopped going after that realization and have lost so much faith.

I still believe in God but I'm beginning to think more of him as a silent observer than someone who answers prayers or changes things. When other people say 'God answered our prayers' I just think why does he answer yours and not ours or not so and so 's? I question why people who neglect their children, abuse them or don't really care about them get to have a baby while so many deserving people who could love and provide for a baby have such a difficult time.

People keep telling to keep the faith and keep praying but when I get pregnant with a viable pregnancy it's not going to be because of God's will- it's going to be because an unaffected sperm finally made it to the egg. It's biology and no amount of praying will change that. I honestly feel kind of awful for admitting all of this. However, the God I believe in is a forgiving God and I know that no matter how angry I get at him he can take it. I am just really struggling with this and I'd like to hear from others who are going or have gone through issues with their faith. Thanks for listening.

anitaflora · October 2013

***DS mentioned briefly***

Oh I wish I could give you a big hug. I have had a lot of struggles with my own faith. For me, I can't seem to shake this feeling that I'm obviously not a good enough mother to my son and that's why I haven't been given the gift of another child. I've been told that's completely ridiculous and irrational - I know this but it's hard to battle that thought anyway. For whatever reason it's there.

FWIW, I will share with you my personal belief in general about the whole issue of free will vs. "God's plan." I personally think that God has a plan for my life but it's more like a blueprint of a house. This room goes there and this one goes there and there are this many floors, this many rooms etc. etc. To me those things are set up in advance. Can't change them. But the furnishings, the color of the walls, the interior decorating is all up to me

Is that completely weird??!?! Lol maybe. But for whatever reason, that's the analogy that rings true with me. So I think it's actually already predetermined about whether or not I will really have another child or not. But the route I get there - whatever that outcome is - the route that I get there is going to vary based on my choices.

I find a lot of comfort in this. Because while it's partly in my control, it's really out of my control. It's already figured out, I just need to see what that's going to be.

It's not at all easy mind you. I said a prayer when we started trying again almost two years ago that if I got pregnant before my 39th birthday that it would be a "sign" that we should have another baby. Well I did and I had my second miscarriage. But then I thought okay, well, I still did get pregnant before my 39th birthday so what does this mean?!?! Ultimately, we've decided to just keep trying. At least for as long as we can. Because for us, we feel like well if we don't try then we do completely close the door to the possibility for God to give us another child. And we don't want to close that door. We're still hoping and praying that the end picture of our family is with two children. Whatever means that may be, the way I feel about it is that if that's in the "blueprint" of my life, that's what will be. And we're just going to keep trying and keep thinking of routes to get there.

But it's horribly difficult. I question ALLL the time, "Why are we having to go through this?!?!" "What is the point of this?" "Why did I have to go through so many losses?" "What was I supposed to learn? What was the point?!?" And I just don't know. And somehow I just try to be okay with not knowing. It's still a surprise. And there could be some really important reason I have no idea about now that I might realize many years later as to why I may never get my rainbow. And while I hate it now and am in terrible grief... I trust that there actually really is a reason I just don't know yet.

I am sorry this was so long. I hope some of what I wrote was a little bit helpful. I'm not going to tell you it was "God's plan" for you to lose your baby. I don't think that's the way it works. I will say I do personally believe, like I said that there is a Grand Plan. But I don't think it's ever His "plan" for a baby to die and for us to go through the grief and suffering of that. And if it is (because after all how do I REALLY know? I don't know I'm just spewing what I think) - if it is somehow part of plan - then there is a reason. I think I may not know for a very long time - or I may even never know in my lifetime. But if it's part of the "blueprint" then I have a very strong faith that there is a reason I just don't know or understand.

I know there are probably a ton of people that disagree with all or part of this, but I just wanted to share my thoughts in hopes that it might help. I am so sorry for all the grief you've gone through. It takes a lot of courage and strength to still maintain your faith. And I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that you are able to find some comfort in your grieving and on this journey.

Unknown · October 2013

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dajhughes · October 2013

I am so sorry you are struggling. I absolutely think its normal to question and be angry and doubt. I have so many words and personal stories I could share but I know that these questions of faith are so personal and we all have to find our own journey. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon) and I have also gone on my own path of questioning and doubt. But I've ultimately come - through some very personal experiences that I'll share in PM if you are interested - to a very personal witness that God knows me and loves me and while he can't change my mortal and imperfect body, He can give me strength above my own to get through the trials of this life. One of the leaders in my church just gave a sermon on faith last Sunday and he said "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." I found comfort in that and hope that you will find the peace and comfort you are searching for, from whatever source that is right for you. You'll be in my prayers.

carlsonbaby2014 · October 2013

Sent you a PM...((hugs))

SA1112 · October 2013

Thanks for all the responses so far! I will answer back the PMs as soon as I can.

@anitaflora thanks for sharing your thoughts... I like the idea of a blueprint which still leaves us the ability to make our own choices. I admire your faith despite the hardships you've faced and thank you again for sharing.

@ninthgirl I will check those books out. Thanks!

SoxFan777 · October 2013

For all of you who are looking for some possible answers, I found the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" really helpful... It didn't preach and/or give answers, but I thought he did a good job explaining the nature of suffering without getting overly theoretical.

Rabbi Kushner wrote it after his son was diagnosed with a terminal disorder--progeria, so I feel like he understands our position somewhat. Through all his suffering, he remains a Rabbi, although he understands faith very differently than some more traditional people of faith. Highly recommended.

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Anyone else struggling with their faith? (kind of long)

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Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

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Anyone else struggling with their faith? (kind of long)

Re: Anyone else struggling with their faith? (kind of long)

Began trying for a baby January 2012BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014

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Began trying for a baby January 2012
BFP 4.25.2013 EDD 1.3.2014 MMC 6.3.2013 D&C 6.19.2013
BFP 11.3.2013 CP 11.6.2013
BFP 3.31.2014 EDD 12.10.2014 Baby boy Carlson born 12.19.2014