WWYD RE:Pics of SK's

Pamelacake · October 2013

I'm not trying to come off as a spiteful B of a SM but I need some advice. and I will try to keep this short =/

Last Sunday when BM called to talk to SD's (mainly 5yo SD as usual) she told 5yo SD that she would like to have me take some pictures of her in her Halloween costume. I wasn't sitting in when 5yo SD was on the phone with her, I usually only do this when 7yo SD is on the phone due to the really bad screaming match they had over the phone a couple of months ago, in case SD needs to be directed for being too rude and she usually does (she has every right to be IMO but it is what it is). I do still record the phone calls for the counselor.

5yo SD comes out of the bedroom from talking to BM and says something about putting on her costume for pictures but seemed unsure about exactly what she was asking for. I hadn't listened to the recording and figured it would be easier to send a quick text since it was already 9pm.

So I sent a short text saying " (5yo SD's name) came out and said something about pics of her in her costume?"

I got an extremely rude response back from BM's FI "So what if I asked for pics of them @ Halloween? I AM their mother!!!! What's the problem!?"

My response "There isn't a problem, I wasn't being rude at all. I simply asked a question about pics. I don't think I was causing a problem by doing that since I would be the one taking them in the costume. I wanted to be sure that's what she was asking about as (5yo SD) seemed unsure. I already have pictures printed out for her but haven't seen her to give them to her. Be rude all you want. Have a good night"

I do have pics printed out for her, sitting here collecting dust. I printed pics out for her before on more than one occasion and they eventually ended up in a frame or in a book for SD's if I already had a copy framed. I am a picture freak and SD's are camera hams.

I want to give her pictures but I am on the fence. BM has been telling people since DH and I got married that she has full custody of SD's and DH never sees them, won't pay C/S and all of that jazz. DH has a lot of family where BM lives and word gets around so he is always confronted with questions of why she says this when SD's were never with BM.

The most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in a while was a couple of months ago, a girl that I went to HS with and is on my FB, contacted me about SD's. She volunteers a lot at a place called the caring center in the town that BM lives in. She asked me about SD's and if BM ever saw them. (I post pics of SD's on FB but have never mentioned our BF situation) This was right after I was awarded legal guardian. BM went into that place last February and told them that she had full custody and no support so she could get assistance with bills, food, clothes, toys and appliances. They keep a list of things that people go in there and get, she asked me if BM had given any of these items to SD's and asked me if we even lived in that county. Both answers = NO. I was almost in tears and wanted to pay the place for what they had given her!

I had full intentions on sending her pics of SD's on Halloween. But wasting my ink on duplicate pictures, I don't think will be happening anymore. I kind of feel like.. if she wants pics of them she can come and see them when she is supposed to and take pics then.

Am I being bitchy for thinking this way?

Cupcakes for anyone who made it through all of that

Pamelacake · October 2013

pic fail!

cole2144 · October 2013

If BM is welcome to come see the girls and take pictures for Halloween and she chooses not to then that is on her. The same thing with regular pics, you don`t make the effort to see your kids, you don`t get the pics.

Hopeforthebest · October 2013

Ok I may be feeling unusually soft today as we finally had a decent moment regarding our BM so take my comments with a grain of salt....

This is the same woman that sent Ramen noodles to her kid if I remember correctly. I don't know, maybe you do...but does she even own a camera?

I think it wouldn't kill anyone to print a picture out. Not saying go out of your way or anything but you said you were already planning on it so.....yeah so my vote is to just do it and don't make this more drama ridden than it needs to be.

KendraL86 · October 2013

I say send the pictures. You don't have to print them. Maybe just send them in electronic format so she can have them printed on her own if she chooses to?

It seems like there are much bigger battles to have with BM. Save yourself the drama of pictures and use your energy toward the bigger things.

danac2010 · October 2013

I agree about just sending them over email. We do that for BM because she never takes SD to get pictures so Santa, Easter, etc is done with us. We send her the link to the pics or just send her a few and if she wants to print them out that is on her dime. I would tell her that you will email/text her some pics after Trick or Treating Halloween night. I would go out of your way before that.

Pamelacake · October 2013

Yeah, she brought ramen noodles for 7yo SD and a bag of candy for 5yo SD.

I have printed numerous pics for her, just of the girls.. no one else was in them. It's just a huge waste of ink. I had already planned on sending her a pic to her FI's cell phone on Halloween so she would actually get it. Instead of it just waiting here for her not to show up.

She said she bought a camera to record everything that DH does when she comes to visit.. that was over 2 months ago and she has yet to come, so I don't know either.

Pamelacake · October 2013

@cole2144 that is how I feel but at the same time.. just didn't want to come off as spiteful or anything. I have put up with a lot from BM and have held my tongue.

Pamelacake · October 2013

I forgot to mention the fact that we have very good reason to believe that she has intentions on kidnapping 5yo SD. Crazy.. I know but she is just that stupid. At first I didn't think anything of it but every time BM talks to 5yo on the phone she will ask her another question about school and that is not like BM. BM doesn't ask anything like that to 7yo. When she started asking "what's your teacher's name" and what time do you go to recess" She also slips up and tells 5yo that she will get to live with her soon and ah blah blah. Usually when she does this, she will stop herself but it isn't hard to figure out what she is saying. She thinks everyone is deaf bc she is. yeah... red flag. BM doesn't know that I volunteer at the school but I am not there all of the time either.

cole2144 · October 2013

Pamelacake said:

@cole2144 that is how I feel but at the same time.. just didn't want to come off as spiteful or anything. I have put up with a lot from BM and have held my tongue.

I can not understand anyone who would not take all the time they can get with their children. I would certainly not go out of my way to make it easier on her not to show up.

Hopeforthebest · October 2013

Kidnapping?!!? Um yeah NO I change my answer. No updated pics of what the kids look like. She can carry her happy a$$ to her appointed visitation time and get the picture from Halloween. No texting updated pics to make it easier for her.

+just+j+ · October 2013

Send them via text or email.

As far as being embarrassed by her actions - STOP IT. People see thru that crap. I have had to realize it myself lately. That is a reflection of her, not you.

+just+j+ · October 2013

You also need to stop justifying yourself to her. I wouldnt have been that detailed in the response. She had proven she will believe what she wants to believe.

Pamelacake · October 2013

That is my main concern, I was going to put it last but forgot.. I was trying to not make my post so long bc I tend to do that a lot. We had to call everyplace that SD's go, give a description.. she can't even get info from their Dr's office anymore. And .. not fair to SD's but they have pretty much been on lockdown. We do things as a family and they get to go outside and play but as far as staying the night with friends or even relatives, that hasn't happened in months.

I did think of maybe a pic with a watermark across it, and then send it to FI's cell.. I know there are websites where certain watermarks can be removed so IDK. They don't have email. I know her FI goes to the library to read legal books. But I'm not sure of his computer skills if any.

Pamelacake · October 2013

I really didn't want to be that nice, J. I was just being civil for the kids. It took all I had not to cuss her out. The day before that she called 7 times with all kinds of very colorful names for me bc she was mad about going to court. and you are right.. she will believe what she wants.. I shouldn't have even responded back to it but i did that for the documentation. They tried to make it look like I was being an ass about it. I could have been but I wasn't.

Also .. I usually don't respond to BM. DH asked me to send her the text bc I am better and nicer than he is at it. I know he should handle it. But they won't talk to him at all unless it's cussing and screaming which is pointless and solves nothing. I guess my text was pointless too but I did have good intentions with it. Can't win with it.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

+just+j+ said:
Send them via text or email.

As far as being embarrassed by her actions - STOP IT. People see thru that crap. I have had to realize it myself lately. That is a reflection of her, not you.

All of this. Send a text and be done with it. Let her feel good about herself and let her brag about what a great mom she is. Her actions are not a reflection of YOU or YOUR worth.

I know it's embarrassing and frustrating when people question you about BM and BM's actions/choices. Been there, done that. But all you can do is smile and say, "That's an excellent question, maybe BM would be the one to ask". People can see that she's not involved, they know she's a hot mess.

Pamelacake · October 2013

Thanks Ladies. I think I will just text a pic or two. Maybe of them standing on our front porch, in costume with their Halloween goodies or something. She only asked for pics of 5yo but I will not leave 7yo out.

danac2010 · October 2013

What is the reason she is slightly obsessed with the younger one but not the older one?

Littlejen22 · October 2013

If SDs ask you to send pics I would email or text her a pic. I would not go out of your way but I would do it for SD. That is what I used to do.

twister22 · October 2013

No pictures for the crazy woman. Or if you do, a pic of you with the girls where it's not easy to crop you out with out the picture looking like shit. I'm a bitch like that though.

ReeseFox · October 2013

Wait, so BM is blind AND deaf? Have you mentioned that before? I'm confused.

bebe11 · October 2013

Pamelacake said:

Thanks Ladies. I think I will just text a pic or two. Maybe of them standing on our front porch, in costume with their Halloween goodies or something. She only asked for pics of 5yo but I will not leave 7yo out.

I'd text one picture, with both the girls in it.

Pamelacake · October 2013

twister22 said:

No pictures for the crazy woman. Or if you do, a pic of you with the girls where it's not easy to crop you out with out the picture looking like shit. I'm a bitch like that though.

I must admit, This crossed my mind more than a few times.

Pamelacake · October 2013

danac2010 said:

What is the reason she is slightly obsessed with the younger one but not the older one?

It's not slightly, it's well known and she doesn't even try to hide it from 7yo. She is downright mean to her on the phone. 5yo is skinny and blonde and outgoing. 7yo SD was pushed to the side her whole life. 7yo eats her emotions and was overweight. She weighed as much as 10yo DS when she was 6. BM is crap. When she was talking about paternity test.. it was only for 5yo,..the sad part is 7yo wanted/wants BM's approval so bad. SD gives her hell now. SD used to just take it.

There is so much more and so many factors it's just unreal. No legitimate reason other than she is a POS who doesn't care.

Pamelacake · October 2013

ReeseFox said:

Wait, so BM is blind AND deaf? Have you mentioned that before? I'm confused.

Yes and yes I have. bc bm would always have the excuse she didn't have the gas money to come and get the girls but I made it known that she gets a check at the beginning of each month. and I'm sorry but if you are getting a check on the first and don't have $10 for gas, if that, but she was at the bar the whole weekend.. she just didn't care. I vented about that a lot.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

I definitely agree to give a pic of both. Someone above said to take a pic of you where you cannot be cut out, I would do that with SD1 not being able to be cut out.

And totally nosey and not pot stirring I swear but was she always deaf and blind? How deaf and how blind? I would usually feel horrible for someone with those issues but knowing everything else you said I am just so curious.

Wahoo · October 2013

On top of everything else, I have a problem with BM sending SD5 as the "middleman." No matter what happens this time, in the future you need to say to SD5 "Well, if BM wanted something from me/dad, she would contact one of the adults." And ignore the request until BM contacts you directly.

I know it seems like a small and maybe petty thing, but its important to keep the kids out of the middle, especially with your BSC BM.

Also, you teach people how to treat you, and I personally would not send jack to someone who was that rude to me. She is not entitled to photos just becuse she is related to them. She is asking YOU for a favor. The girls are not benefitting in any way from their mom having their photo (something I would consider in granting a request).

Pamelacake · October 2013

@Wahoo I fully agree, the thought of SD'S Being put in the middle has bugged me a lot and has been ongoing for some time now. We were told there is nothing we can do about it when she is speaking to them on the phone. SD's just have to listen to her lies, and wait for her not to follow through.

Most of the things SD's are asked to tell us or ask us is ignored like asking for them to stay the night or if BM can take them shopping.. things she has no intentions of following through with but just wants to play the victim. BM is a child. BM literally gets mad at SD's and yells, screams and cusses at them for not feeling sorry for her.

Pamelacake · October 2013

Littlejen22 said:

I definitely agree to give a pic of both. Someone above said to take a pic of you where you cannot be cut out, I would do that with SD1 not being able to be cut out. And totally nosey and not pot stirring I swear but was she always deaf and blind? How deaf and how blind? I would usually feel horrible for someone with those issues but knowing everything else you said I am just so curious.

I think I recently explained this in a C/S court post but no one really believes she is deaf. I think she may be but not that bad.

She first started getting ssi in hs, her mom got it for her for learning disabilities. When she dropped out, they switched the ssi to her "being deaf" BM didn't become blind until she was giving birth to my would be SS but he died of strangulation as an infant.

She can see things from a far distance but she can't read and constantly runs into things. She can see shadows up close, I guess. But I don't believe that's fully the case either b/c when she was here for her visit, she was asking about all of the pictures on the shelves and hanging on the walls.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

Your DHs son died of strangulation? WTF?

Pamelacake · October 2013

Yes. Long Story short (ok sorry, I tried to make it short), BM wanted to give the baby to my now MIL, MIL had a name picked out for baby and everything. DH was totally against it. BM wanted nothing to do with baby and would always take him to MIL's home. When DH would go to MIL'S to pick up baby BM would throw a tantrum and leave the house for days. That was when DH got to spend time with this baby or at his mother's house. Pretty much the same with SD's. MIL had SD's for the first year of each of their lives and they were constantly at MIL's house even when they did live with DH and BM. DH had to go to his mom's to visit and take them out to do things. BM only wanted the kids around on holidays as a "show mom"

There is a lot of animosity about the death. Toward MIL as well bc baby was there when he passed. THey had baby in bed sleeping in between IL's and it was said that FIL rolled on top of baby. A different report said that when the paramedics were called they found baby by the bed, in a bouncy seat, with a telephone cord around his neck to make it look like an accident. The death certificate said accidental suffocation and that was that. no one was charged, no further investigation or anything. MIL has since admitted that the baby was in the bed with her and her husband.

Baby was also not DH's. this was known by everyone but, just like the other kids, it doesn't matter. DH and I hardly ever talk about this b/c he wishes he would have just gotten rid of BM before that happened but was in fear of losing his kids. When I moved in I found scattered pics of all the kids. I put together an album for BM of all of the pics I thought she might want. and put all of the pics of baby up in another album. There was not a single pic of BM with baby.

DH does have baby's urn as well, it is put up where no one can see, not even DH. He gets so depressed about it. BM hasn't brought it up one time. The only time she does bring up baby is to try to get someone to feel sorry for her.

The whole situation ticks me off, even at DH. I wish DH wouldn't have been so scared to get rid of BM. I feel like I knew baby more than BM just from visiting MIL's home frequently.

I am not afraid to say that I am one of those SM's who pushed DH to get an attorney for the safety of my SD's. There is so much craziness that I haven't posted on here and I can see why some people thought I was making things up BC these things are nuts but true.

At one point, BM was going through one of her many spaz attacks and called the police on DH for having drugs. BM even told the police where these "large amounts of drugs were hidden" The police came and raided the house. An officer opened the baby's urn and was digging through... BM knew what he was doing and said NOTHING, that is how little she cared. 16yo SD (16 at the time) had to go up to the cop and ask him if he knew what he was doing. She had to tell him that those were her baby brother's ashes as he had his hands all in it. He apologized and put it back. SD had to sweep up the ashes that the officer had dumped.

BM was taken from the home in a straight jacket that time bc she had made so many false accusations, she was hospitalized, again.

I'm sorry so long I get emotional about this too because SD's have also had near death experiences while in BM's care.

Pamelacake · October 2013

Wanted to add... DH is now totally against the pictures at all.. BM didn't call last night and I already had a pic on the phone ready to send to her of 7yo SD's honor roll award for the first 6 weeks of school. DH says BM doesn't deserve it and to just leave it alone.

I will not send the honor roll award pic as he asked and bc I printed all of them out for her last year and she was not interested in them at all. I think I will send one pic with both SD's in it and maybe DH or myself in the pic. Not sure yet. Who knows if she will even have contact between now and then.

Lavender P · October 2013

Im so confused... If she is blind then why would she need gas money to pick up SDs? Wouldn't someone else be driving her or take public transportation? Also, not to be insensitive but would she even be able to see the pictures of SDs? Also, if BM is supposed to be deaf then how does she call you guys all the time and talk to the girls on the phone? Is she pretending her disabilities are worse then they really are?

Pamelacake · October 2013

Lavender P said:

Im so confused... If she is blind then why would she need gas money to pick up SDs? Wouldn't someone else be driving her or take public transportation? Also, not to be insensitive but would she even be able to see the pictures of SDs? Also, if BM is supposed to be deaf then how does she call you guys all the time and talk to the girls on the phone? Is she pretending her disabilities are worse then they really are?

BM has always had people driver her around. For the latest months it has been her new FI. She has full access to a van that will take her where she needs to go due to the disabilities but she refuses to use it now, even for court. BM does still drive herself at times, She almost ran DH's cousin off of the road in the middle of her city maybe 5 months ago. and I saw her driving while waiting at SD's dentist's office as well. She has a license that says she is valid to drive but it's just old, She isn't supposed to drive at all. She even has a car with a car payment to make. BM didn't need it and was going to let it go but FI drives it every place now b/c "the brakes are bad on his vehicle"

I noticed that BM did strain to see the pics on the walls and shelves, she said she can't see close distance. She even thought that a picture of my 14yo DD was a pic of 7yo SD and it was a 5x7 and they look nothing alike.

And the deaf part, that's why I say no one believes she is really deaf, BM doesn't do a very good job of pretending when it comes to talking to SD's on the phone. She will not be interested and pretend to not hear anything 7yo SD says but with 5yo she is on it and responds quickly.. with 7yo, the only time she hears what she says is if it has something to do with me, DH or anything about our home, then she will be interested in asking questions about us. BM hears what she wants and I do think she may have a hearing problem but not near as bad as she claims. BM was told years ago it could easily be fixed with a hearing aid.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

Man she sounds so much worse than you have even implied before no know that people like her exists but man.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

Pamela, I really hope that you take care of yourself too. You have had a very hard life and are so busy looking out for everyone that I hope you have outlets.

Pamelacake · October 2013

Thank You I really do appreciate that. I do speak with a counselor but most of my communication is with kids. LOL. I have cut all negativity and anyone who brings it for no reason out of my life and I feel so much better.

I also think that's why people thought I was so nutso on here because the stuff is crazy and I was using TB as my outlet so I sounded crazy. If I was reading it, I would have probably thought the same.

And I didn't want to come off like I was just here to bash BM so there's a lot, a whole lot.. I don't post about. I just wanted to keep having faith in her and thinking she would change. I know I can't do that anymore. I do feel bad for her b/c she really is missing out on a lot. But that's on her not me. =/

Pamelacake · October 2013

@Lavender P I forgot to mention that BM's gas money excuse is invalid in the first place. BM doesn't come to her visits b/c FI isn't allowed to stay. BM has made that very clear but tries to play it off like it's bc of gas money. That's how much she really wants to see SD's.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

Unfortunately when we don't share enough it can make us sound as crazy as if we share too much!

And I think you realize this now or are starting to but I now get why you want to help people and see the good in them because no one was doing it for you but you have to look out for you and the kids first. And unfortunately not everyone is deserving of help.

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