DH family vent (because it's fun)

kmornelas29 · September 2013

Repost from march board

Today I took my DD to a bridal shower at my DH families house.

A lot of family was there, but also a lot of friends of the mom whose daughter is getting married.

I have NEVER met any go her moms friends, so you'd think they would have some boundaries for a strangers daughter, but they had none!

My DH is Egyptian, and culturally there family is very kissy n' huggy, which is something that I am NOT. When I see my own family we say hi n bye while walking in and would only hug n kiss if someone wanted to, but never a forced act of affection. My DH side is the exact opposite, which causes tension.

They get their feelings hurt n find it disrespectful if you don't go to each n every person to hug n check kiss each person. Not only to say hello, but to say goodbye as well. It's waaay to much for me, but as an adult I do it out of respect for his family n what they do at their family events.

When it comes to my 6 month daughter I feel completely different! I feel that when a child can consent to hugs n kisses then give it to them, but it should never be forced. If they want to they will. Then it's genuine. But don't make them.

So, at the bridal shower, my DH family kept grabbing her out of my arms, passing her from person to person, and kissing all over face. For me, that's for mommy n daddy m put immediate family only!

When I handed her to someone I felt comfortable with people would take the baby from them! Then they would go show off the baby to strangers that would touch her.

So, here is the topper of the day. Some random lady who I never met comes in the room, puts her stuff down, and grabs my baby from my DH aunt. After taking her she looks at me and goes oh I hope you don't mind. Trying to maintain my cool, I say okay just please don't walk away with her so I can see her.

When my daughter starts crying I get her to calm her n walk away. Fast forward 2 hours, when my DH dad takes her to walk her around outside. The same lady I took her from earlier grabs her out of her grandpas arms, and starts Eskimo kissing my daughter while her friend takes pictures!

I looked over and had enough! I went to grab her, and the lady had the nerve to tell me no, and hold her tighter. I told her to give me my child n walked away. She then through her arms in the air like what's her problem!?

I called my DH and told him what happened and he was just as livid. He gets mad at his family for being overbearing as well.

As an adult I cave to their ways a bit, but as her mom I feel they need to respect my ways with her a bit more. I get they mean no harm, but the constant having my daughter ripped from my arms, strangers touching her, kisses all over face is way too much for me.

Someone even went as far to tell me my daughter needed to sleep in the bed in the other room cause she can't sleep in loud noises. Are you kidding me!? I know my daughter better than anyone, and I know where she can and can't sleep.

Later on my DH called his mom to express his concerns with the situation and she said were over protective. No, I'm not over protective. I just don't like strangers rubbing their germ face on my 6 month old!

They are great n nice people, but they don't get it! I even created a "pretend tag game" on Facebook called parent peeves n listed my top ten, so they would read it and get it, but still didn't get the hint.

I just couldn't imagine taking someone's baby I didn't know, walking away, give it Eskimo kisses, and tell the parent no when they went to get their baby. Pushy much? Ergh.

Anyone else? Thanks for the vent!

Signed,
Crazy mama bear protecting her cub

PS next event she will be in a wrap, so nobody can take her!

Anjel_9@hotmail.com · September 2013

As someone who is married to a South American, and therefore his entire extended family, trust me when I say that I understand where you are coming from. That being said, you are going to have to change your attitude, or you are in for a very rough road ahead because his family is not going to change.

You are lucky to have so many family members who want to love your child. Don't make them resent you. Take advantage of the help that they'll offer, and be grateful for the affection that your baby will receive. If a family gathering gets too overbearing, just make up an excuse about needing to change a diaper or something, and go in a back room or bathroom for a few minutes to breathe and be alone with your baby. When you feel more calm, go back out there and try to enjoy all the helping hands. Good luck to you!

spring_time · September 2013

Eh, I think you are overreacting. Certain cultures are just more affectionate than others. You are going to need to get over it, or you will have a very long road ahead. Your idea about waiting until you child can choose is kind of ridiculous. When it is that ingrained in the culture, there really isn't a choice. Just embrace it (literally).

Why were you so worried about your LO leaving your sight? What do you think was going to happen to her? Again, in some cultures, a baby kind of belongs to the community. It is a great way for a child to become social. My mom calls them "church babies" Those are the babies who are passed around a community and will go to just about anyone.

The only part I find rude is the lady not giving you baby to back to you. However, she may have been reacting to your attitude as well.

Bueno1234 · October 2013

That's was too long. Make your posts shorter.

kmornelas29 · October 2013

spring_time said:
Eh, I think you are overreacting. Certain cultures are just more affectionate than others. You are going to need to get over it, or you will have a very long road ahead. Your idea about waiting until you child can choose is kind of ridiculous. When it is that ingrained in the culture, there really isn't a choice. Just embrace it (literally).

Why were you so worried about your LO leaving your sight? What do you think was going to happen to her? Again, in some cultures, a baby kind of belongs to the community. It is a great way for a child to become social. My mom calls them "church babies" Those are the babies who are passed around a community and will go to just about anyone.

The only part I find rude is the lady not giving you baby to back to you. However, she may have been reacting to your attitude as well.

I don't think a stranger has any rights to my child. At 6 months old I don't want others germs in my babies face. If I don't know the lady, she is not walking away with my child where I can't see her. Who knows what kind of person she is!

Personally, I wouldn't want my child to be willing to go to anyone. That us a red flag of "too trusting" for me.

The way I see it is, my child is not public property. Unless someone is okay with me going up and kissing them, don't do it to my child.

Even touching her hands is too much for me. I don't know if she is sick, washes her hands after the bathroom, etc. and then my daughter puts her hands in her mouth? Yuck!

I read another post where a baby actually contracted oral herpes because a family member who had it kissed their child. Not a risk I'm willing to take.

kmornelas29 · October 2013

Bueno1234 said:
That's was too long. Make your posts shorter.

It's called a vent. They're usually long.

P.S. Never said you had to read it all

spring_time · October 2013

kmornelas29 said:

Eh, I think you are overreacting. Certain cultures are just more affectionate than others. You are going to need to get over it, or you will have a very long road ahead. Your idea about waiting until you child can choose is kind of ridiculous. When it is that ingrained in the culture, there really isn't a choice. Just embrace it (literally).

Why were you so worried about your LO leaving your sight? What do you think was going to happen to her? Again, in some cultures, a baby kind of belongs to the community. It is a great way for a child to become social. My mom calls them "church babies" Those are the babies who are passed around a community and will go to just about anyone.

The only part I find rude is the lady not giving you baby to back to you. However, she may have been reacting to your attitude as well.
I don't think a stranger has any rights to my child. At 6 months old I don't want others germs in my babies face. If I don't know the lady, she is not walking away with my child where I can't see her. Who knows what kind of person she is! Personally, I wouldn't want my child to be willing to go to anyone. That us a red flag of "too trusting" for me. The way I see it is, my child is not public property. Unless someone is okay with me going up and kissing them, don't do it to my child. Even touching her hands is too much for me. I don't know if she is sick, washes her hands after the bathroom, etc. and then my daughter puts her hands in her mouth? Yuck! I read another post where a baby actually contracted oral herpes because a family member who had it kissed their child. Not a risk I'm willing to take.

It looks like you are just looking for someone to agree with you. You don't want your child to go to others? With two kids, do you have any idea how often I need to hand off one child to wrangle the other? You seriously have concerns with someone touching your child's hands? Good luck because you are going to have a long road ahead. Family can usually help out, but they tend to stop when you reproach their loving advances.

pinottoparenthood · October 2013

I, too, think you're overreacting, but at the end of the day, you're the baby's mom and you and your husband get to decide what goes on with your baby. Do you realize that no one was trying to hurt or harm your baby? I think it's kind of strange that you feel your baby needs to "consent" to hugs and kisses. Do you not hug and kiss your baby? Do the grandparents hug and kiss her? Can she consent to that? I guess at the end of the day, you either need to relax a little bit, or else you should stop going to these family functions or hold the baby yourself the entire time and just tell people that she's cranky or needs to be with mom right now. I get not wanting people kissing on and passing your baby around when she's tiny and can very easily get sick, but now I just don't think it's that big of a deal. Personally though, I love when people love my kid, so I guess that's just a difference between you and me. You're entitled to parent how you see fit, but know that some people are going to think you're being a wee bit crazy.

ebp913 · October 2013

pinottoparenthood said:

I, too, think you're overreacting, but at the end of the day, you're the baby's mom and you and your husband get to decide what goes on with your baby. Do you realize that no one was trying to hurt or harm your baby? I think it's kind of strange that you feel your baby needs to "consent" to hugs and kisses. Do you not hug and kiss your baby? Do the grandparents hug and kiss her? Can she consent to that? I guess at the end of the day, you either need to relax a little bit, or else you should stop going to these family functions or hold the baby yourself the entire time and just tell people that she's cranky or needs to be with mom right now. I get not wanting people kissing on and passing your baby around when she's tiny and can very easily get sick, but now I just don't think it's that big of a deal. Personally though, I love when people love my kid, so I guess that's just a difference between you and me. You're entitled to parent how you see fit, but know that some people are going to think you're being a wee bit crazy.

This.

Pearls+Oysters · October 2013

Wow. I don't like strangers kissing DS on his face but I don't mind family doing it. Germs are what make babies' immune systems stronger, in the end. And it just sounds like you're making a big deal out of nothing. So your DH's family loves your DD and want to hold her and show her off? Get her out of there, fast!

...

Count your lucky stars you didn't marry into a Latino family. Boy oh boy you'd be going for restraining orders by now!

mhickey426 · October 2013

At my dd's baptism (4mo old) I told my parents and inlaws that I was only going to let them hold the baby. She was little and I did not want her being passed around to the 100 ppl at the party. We have very large families. I flat out said no to my aunts and other who asked to hold her. When I explained why they all understood. After the party was over my stepmother sent me pictures. Included in the pictures was 2 of her sister holding the baby. I was livid!!! Not only did she go against my request which I had every right to say as her mother but she also made me look like a jerk to people. People at the party didn't know that I was not the one who let her hold the baby. After telling my blood relatives no she lets her sister my step aunt hold her. I know it is all family but I am just trying to make a point. People are aggravating and are going to do what they want to do regardless of what you as the mother say or want. It is not right but that is just how people are. You either have to make the decision to be more stern, have you dh say something or just try and get use to it.

jensriot · October 2013

I am really curious why you don't want people holding your baby? It's your kid, your say, but what's with all the uproar? People love to hold babies because they are so sweet and amazing. These people aren't baby snatchers and they're not pinching the kid. Why not appreciate the break and mingle instead of spending the event pissed off? I mean this in the least snarky way possible, a genuine question.

ebp913 · October 2013

mhickey426 said:

At my dd's baptism (4mo old) I told my parents and inlaws that I was only going to let them hold the baby. She was little and I did not want her being passed around to the 100 ppl at the party. We have very large families. I flat out said no to my aunts and other who asked to hold her. When I explained why they all understood. After the party was over my stepmother sent me pictures. Included in the pictures was 2 of her sister holding the baby. I was livid!!! Not only did she go against my request which I had every right to say as her mother but she also made me look like a jerk to people. People at the party didn't know that I was not the one who let her hold the baby. After telling my blood relatives no she lets her sister my step aunt hold her. I know it is all family but I am just trying to make a point. People are aggravating and are going to do what they want to do regardless of what you as the mother say or want. It is not right but that is just how people are. You either have to make the decision to be more stern, have you dh say something or just try and get use to it.

This is so weird. Why would you have a party for 100 people that is FOR YOUR BABY and not let anyone hold them? So incredibly odd. If you didn't want people to hold or be around your baby you shouldn't have a party for them where you invite 100 people.

spring_time · October 2013

mhickey426 said:

At my dd's baptism (4mo old) I told my parents and inlaws that I was only going to let them hold the baby. She was little and I did not want her being passed around to the 100 ppl at the party. We have very large families. I flat out said no to my aunts and other who asked to hold her. When I explained why they all understood. After the party was over my stepmother sent me pictures. Included in the pictures was 2 of her sister holding the baby. I was livid!!! Not only did she go against my request which I had every right to say as her mother but she also made me look like a jerk to people. People at the party didn't know that I was not the one who let her hold the baby. After telling my blood relatives no she lets her sister my step aunt hold her. I know it is all family but I am just trying to make a point. People are aggravating and are going to do what they want to do regardless of what you as the mother say or want. It is not right but that is just how people are. You either have to make the decision to be more stern, have you dh say something or just try and get use to it.

I have no words for this.

You had a party, with 100+ people, in honor of your daughter, and did not let people hold her??? I bet you had no problem cashing their checks.

kmornelas29 · October 2013

Idani said:

JenS2203 said:

I am really curious why you don't want people holding your baby? It's your kid, your say, but what's with all the uproar? People love to hold babies because they are so sweet and amazing. These people aren't baby snatchers and they're not pinching the kid. Why not appreciate the break and mingle instead of spending the event pissed off? I mean this in the least snarky way possible, a genuine question.

I'm curious as well. I truly cannot wrap my head around this. Even when I was a FTM I let people hold my child.

To be clear, I don't have a problem with family holding her. I have a problem with them kissing all over her face, and them carrying her over to strangers where they take her. I would never hold someone's baby without the parents permission.

When strangers are rubbing their face in my child's and I have no idea who they are, it's too much for me.

Some suggested not bringing her. Not an option. She EBF and doesn't take a bottle.

I guess being more stern and explaining expectations is my only chance.

She did end up getting sick after that too

the reason I'm so against it.

If family wants her I welcome the help, but don't kiss and breathe All over face, and especially don't give my child to someone else! Give her back if u are done. If I give my child to a family member than I'm fine with them taking her, but I'm nOT okay with them giving her to aunt janes sisters friends cousin.

jensriot · October 2013

I do understand your concern over germs, but it happens and your kid will be stronger for it. You can try to set rules for who is in the accepted baby holding group at get togethers, it's your choice. You should also be prepared to be known as the overprotective bitchy mom that won't let people touch her baby. I am NOT saying that you are. I AM saying that people will think you are.

kmornelas29 · October 2013

JenS2203 said:
I do understand your concern over germs, but it happens and your kid will be stronger for it. You can try to set rules for who is in the accepted baby holding group at get togethers, it's your choice. You should also be prepared to be known as the overprotective bitchy mom that won't let people touch her baby. I am NOT saying that you are. I AM saying that people will think you are.

And this, I am fine with! Lol Thanks for a truthful, yet, respectful response! Lol

kmornelas29 · October 2013

Pearls+Oysters said:
Wow. I don't like strangers kissing DS on his face but I don't mind family doing it. Germs are what make babies' immune systems stronger, in the end. And it just sounds like you're making a big deal out of nothing. So your DH's family loves your DD and want to hold her and show her off? Get her out of there, fast!

...

Count your lucky stars you didn't marry into a Latino family. Boy oh boy you'd be going for restraining orders by now!

I am actually half Latino, and my side of the family doesn't even do that. Middle eastern families are way worse! From experience! Lol

=Lee=B · October 2013

* edited my horrible spelling (baby in arms)!

Baby will let you know if she is overwhelmed...which I suppose is a sort of consent.

This reminds me of the time I was about 12yrs old and my mom and I were babysititng my little cousin who was about 7 months. We went to pick up forms at the swimming pool, which happened to be in a seniors home. We walked in the lobby and instanty my cousin was plucked from my arms and was swarmed by a dozen senior ladies and was passed around. We stood there with out mouths hanging open. In the moment it was like "ummmm, woahhh" but after a few mintues it was just halrious. These ladies were in heaven with a baby to hold for even a couple seconds.

Soon enough she was back in our arms and everyone went on with their day. With a lot of old ladies much happier.

If it truly bothers you...I would suggest a wrap/carrier. My daughter loves hers and feels safe and secure in there and is safe from germs.

We are happy to pass our 7 month old around but we keep an eye on her and if she is getting overwhelmed we take her back and calm her. If she is calm and content then all is good.

There is not too much you can do...it sounds like this is how the family functions and it is not an inappropriate or malicous manner. Either avoid large groups of them or let your baby run the show and if baby is happy pass her around, if baby is upset/overwhelmed keep her to yourselves (again a wrap may be needed to prevent her getting slurped out of your arms!).

aeh72 · October 2013

The way you describe this whole scene, it sounds very chaotic and almost as if you felt you had no control over the situation (my guess, but maybe I'm wrong, is that you're over-dramatizing it a little because you're so upset). But, you did have a control - you're her mother. You could have easily said, in a nice way - "oh, she tends to get a little overwhelmed with lots of people holding her, so we're going to take a little break." Even if that's not true, it would help you regain some control and you're own composure. That said, if you know DH's family is like this, you either need to not bring your LO to these large functions, which I think would be a disservice to her and an overreaction on your part, or you're just going to find a way to feel comfortable without alienating your in-laws (e.g., taking breaks or using a "wrap" within reason but not as "shield"). Don't let something that is done with love on their part become a big drama or conflict.

DH family vent (because it's fun)

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