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October 2012 Moms
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Managing different parenting styles

kross605kross605 member
in October 2012 Moms
DH is a safety nazi (sorry if that term offends anyone). He is a wonderful dad, but due to a lot of loss in his life, he is incredibly over protective of the girls and ANYTHING that happens to them even if its "regular" kid stuff like a bumped head or skinned knee.

If either of the girls fall and bump their head or drop a toy on their foot or get a bloody lip etc while Im watching them, I get yelled at for not watching them closely enough. I feel like they need to experience some things (like slippery wood floors) for themselves so they learn so I give them a little more rope than he does, and like most kids, sometimes they get a bump or bruise or scratch because of it.  I personally dont have an issue with it but he has a real issue with it!

DH is the typical helicopter parent who feels that you should never let the kids go and is constantly barking at DD1 (and me) about not getting too close to the fireplace, dont run in socks, you must sit on a blanket in case you have a potty accident (thats for DD1 not me;) ) etc. I feel like he is so restrictive that he causes ME anxiety, I cant imagine what DD1 is thinking!

I want to honor his zest for safety, but I think he is a little overzealous and stifling. So I have 2 questions:
1--how do you criticize your spouses parenting style when the only criticism is that you dont like it? Its not like he's doing anything WRONG, its just a style that i dont particularly agree with and i dont think is the BEST way to handle things.
2--what do you think is an "appropriate" level of safety concern as a parent? Maybe Im too lax afterall? I dont know. 


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Re: Managing different parenting styles

  • kross605kross605 member
    mbm1983 said:
    Why criticize? I think you guys could balance each other. I have the same thing going on. I like to give her a little more freedom and hes always on her. Someone has to be the worrier.
    My issue is that he gets mad at me if they get hurt while I am giving them more freedom and acts like I am a terrible parent because they skinned a knee under my watch. If he didnt care, and took the attitude of "you do it your way, Ill do it my way" Id have no issue. But he expects everyone that watches them to do it his way and if anything happens to them, the adult gets a verbal lashing.
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  • Mrs.G123Mrs.G123 member
    It sounds like he needs to relax. Kids fall. This has never happened with him?! How often is he alone with them? Sounds like maybe it should be more!!!
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  • ChrisG83ChrisG83 member
    My husband gets more upset than I do when Ashley hurts herself. She cried for a minute then she is over it. I just keep pointing out to my husband that she is okay. We have tile floors downstairs and she has fallen backwards a couple times and yeah it's really scary but I just keep pointing out she is okay. That's really all I can do.
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  • StefanieM522StefanieM522 member
    I think its fine to have different parenting skills but I don't think it is ok to yell at you when your child scrapes a knee.  Kids are kids and stuff will happen.

                    
                   







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  • kross605kross605 member
    Mrs.G123 said:
    It sounds like he needs to relax. Kids fall. This has never happened with him?! How often is he alone with them? Sounds like maybe it should be more!!!
    I totally agree with this! He is VERY rarely alone with both of them awake and running around. He has no idea how literally impossible it is to be next to both children at all times and have the forethought and reaction time to catch them before they hit anything/fall/trip etc. In my opinion thats not a healthy way for a child to develop safety awareness anyway, but thats more of an opinion than an actual fact.

    I do as pp said and remind him that they are fine, its not a big deal, and they are going to get hurt now and again etc, but he still gets far more upset about these incidences than I would ever expect.

    I dont want to act like he's a lunatic for being concerned about safety but I do want him to see that he's being a bit over the top and unreasonable and he needs to bring both his expectations, and his reaction, down a notch. He completely thinks he is the "right" level of vigilant and I am the one that needs to step it up a notch. So how do I get him to see that really, he's kind of the crazy one?!
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  • LorMorLorMor member
    I was going to suggest this as well - have him chat to other parents. Preferably with kids of a similar age - I battle keeping one out of trouble, so two would need more arms and eyes than I have. Perhaps he also needs to spend more time with them so he can see how easy it is for them to get bumps and bruises. Also, have the two of you done a baby first aid course? That might make him feel more equipped To handle something bigger than a bump.
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  • kross605kross605 member
    LorMor said:
    I was going to suggest this as well - have him chat to other parents. Preferably with kids of a similar age - I battle keeping one out of trouble, so two would need more arms and eyes than I have. Perhaps he also needs to spend more time with them so he can see how easy it is for them to get bumps and bruises. Also, have the two of you done a baby first aid course? That might make him feel more equipped To handle something bigger than a bump.
    First aid course is a good idea. We meant to do one since I was pregnant with DD1 and its never happened.

    The root of his issue is that he is PETRIFIED of something more serious than a little scrape or bump happening. Perhaps if he understood that "serious" accidents actually are fairly uncommon for children that are reasonably supervised (not hovered over) and if he felt in control in the event of a moderately serious accident, he would feel more confident about them free roaming a little.
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  • ChrisG83ChrisG83 member
    I really don't worry about the bigger accidents until they get bigger. My stepsons and my husband(as a kid) have had some crazy things happen. Right now with our babies it's easy cause it's little head bangs on the table and pinched fingers etc. The big stuff will come later.
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  • BabyCarryingVesselBabyCarryingVessel member
    Ya know, I can somewhat relate, only I'm the crazy one in our house, and here's why... I think our overly-sensitive society has made me feel like dcfs will be called if they get a few too many scrapes and bruises. This is all in my head, but really it's just how I feel. I also feel like I have to explain how every bruise occurred, because people are always commenting. I'm just trying to offer another perspective, but you mentioned that he's been through some traumatic things, so it sounds like you understand where he's coming from at least. Yelling and criticizing you is a problem, so I hope this gets resolved soon!

     

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  • tamararachel2tamararachel2 member
    DH is very similar. He's very overprotective of DS2 and I get it because this is his first LO (DS1 isn't biologically his, but he adopted him when the sperm donor gave up his rights). Even though DS2 has been walking for over a month now, he still follows him very closely in case he falls. Even his mom tries to tell him to relax and babies/toddlers are tougher than he thinks. I let DH do his thing though. One thing I learned when I was pregnant with DS1 was to let DH do it how he wants to do it. A friend of mine told me that and she said you need to let DH learn his way of doing things. But I do agree with PPs about the yelling. Maybe talk to your DH about the yelling and like others said, let him see how other dads are. 

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  • kross605kross605 member
    Thanks for all the replies. Ill work with DH to try to tone down his response a little. I do think its gotten better over the years, from when DD1 started getting bumps and bruises to now. He used to actually yell and get legitimately angry (which baffled me) but now its more of a "talking to" like, "werent you watching her?" or "how did this happen if you were with her?" etc. Still not a shining example of spousal support, but not as aggressive as his initial responses.

    And to BCV...I always feel like I have to explain the bruises too. But Ive had several pediatricians tell me that they look for the type and location of bruises before they even consider abuse, and of course the child's behavior and demeanor is also a pretty clear indication of family issues. They know what a typical toddler fall or bump is like as compared to what another person can inflict on someone, and the location/shape etc of those marks. Which is sad for sure, but at least it made me feel better that I dont have to explain my kid being a kid to my dr!
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