Need advice - crazy neighbour (long)

alinafed · October 2013

OK I will try to keep this brief but I've been wanting to ask for a while. I live in a townhouse (attached on both sides) with perfectly lovely neighbours on one side and a total freak on the other side. Our bedroom shares a wall with his bedroom and I am really nervous about what will happen when the baby comes. I plan to have the baby sleep in our room for at least a month or two while I am doing lots of feedings overnight. Here is the situation (trying to keep it brief):

He had mentioned the walls weren't super thick and because we had hardwood we would need to be quiet in our room from 9 pm when he goes to bed. A couple times we must have woken him when our dog threw up in the middle of the night or whatever, and in retaliation he would blast talk radio at 3 am. Then things got a bit crazy, he told us off for putting streamers up for a birthday party in the backyard because they touched his fence (we thought it was shared) and then he parked as far as possible towards the middle of the driveway so we couldn't get in our car to teach us a lesson about not parking evenly.

At this point we tried to take the high road and smooth things over with cookies and a really friend letter saying we had good intentions and really wanted to have a good relationship. This worked for a bit... then the complaints started again. We offered to insulate the bedroom wall, doing all the work and paying the whole cost ourselves, and he said there was no point, it was our hardwood floors that were the problem. So since that solution wouldn't make him happy, we were like ok eff it he is just crazy. Our other neighbour told us as much, that he asked the people who lived in our house before to move their kids' bedrooms away from his side of the house and that he complained about the kids running up the stairs which is "behaviour for the playground" (whereas on the other side, his other neighbours told him off and he never bothered them again). He also told us when we had kids we would need to have a conversation with him about how to get them to respect their neighbours.

So last week, I accidentally knocked a bottle of face cream from my bedside table onto the floor at 10 pm (well before the bylaw of 11 pm but he sleeps at 9 or 930). I thought I heard thumping on the wall, and sure enough the next day he confronts me and asks what we "keep" dropping on the floor at night. I told him it didn't matter before the by-law of 11 pm (cuz I'm sick of his complaints about stuff at 9 pm). He came back and said both my husband and I were extremely rude (by this point I was walking inside the house cuz I didn't want to get into an argument).

I really don't know what to do re. baby. I don't think he realizes that I'm pregnant. I have found he already snoops into our business and asks us very personal questions about what we do in the bedroom at night (creepy) so I don't know if I should volunteer the fact that we are having a baby (i.e. makes him think it's his business). But I am really nervous thinking about January. I can only imagine how he will retaliate if he hears a newborn crying through the wall every two hours overnight and has had no prior warning. What would you ladies do? I am pretty stressed about the situation - I keep thinking of worst case scenarios like him thumping on the wall all night, calling by-law on our dog in retaliation (our dog is pretty quiet but how can we prove that? He alarm barks at the doorbell usually 2-3 barks so what if he can get us in trouble for that), or worst case what if he calls child services and makes up lies about us (friend said he knew someone this happened to)? I really think he has some social issues so I just don't know how far he is willing to go or what we should do.

What would your advice be - let him know ahead of time about the baby? If so how (he is really hard to see in person, he avoids us and sits in his car or closes his garage if he sees us). The neighbours who have known him for a while (they don't like him either) say a hard line is best with him. I think we learnt that the hard way from when I baked him cookies and tried to be nice (after he had blocked my car on purpose) and then he really upped the complaints thinking he could demand whatever he wanted. So definitely whatever I do it has to be something that takes a firm line and doesn't imply that I'm a pushover who will accept parenting advice from him.

Thanks for listening to this huge long rant ladies. I have asked everyone I know IRL but I want some advice from fellow moms-to-be.

ChuggingWater · October 2013

Do you rent or own?
Did I miss that part?

Unknown · October 2013

This content has been removed.

ChuggingWater · October 2013

Nor would I volunteer the information that you're going to have a baby. Won't that be obvious?

BrittNR · October 2013

I would tell him, that home is yours to do what you like and a baby is going to make noise. If he doesn't like it that is his problem and he is more than welcome to move. I'm so annoyed for you! I definitely would stop playing nice, that obviously doesn't work. It's time to find your inner bitch and let her handle it! Lol

ababymaybe · October 2013

He sounds like a nut job. I would not engage. IME there is NO appeasing crazies like this. He sounds bitter for whatever reason and honestly a little unbalanced.

I would be polite to him but very aloof. Civil but that is it. Don't get sucked into conversations about this stuff or worse, confrontations with him.

You can try white noise in the baby's bedroom. Truth is he will have to deal and I think the HOA would agree. Life happens. If you are not being unreasonable (parties at 3am) then I would not even worry

The advice to document his bullying is excellent and I would also do that.

sugarland726 · October 2013

Holy macaroni, this guy is a nutter. Nothing you are doing is outside of the rules or normal home noises. I say to be firm now so that he backs off from noise complaints now. I am not keen on telling him about the baby because it feels like none of his business (since he tries to make everything his business). But on the other hand, I almost want to send him a return receipt letter telling him that you are expecting in January and noises will be increased, but still less than the rules prohibit, so he should consider making alternate plans. I'm appalled for you.

Dishylo · October 2013

@alinafed, if you own, is it a Strata, co-op or something else? If you rent, you should talk to your landlord but it's easier if you own and you can go to the Strata council with your complaints.

Definitely agree with @wilburbud in that you should document everything. If there is something visible then take a photo ans submit it to the strata council. Do everything through the council, not directly with the neighbour. The council can and will eventually levy fines and can get authorities involved if required.

I'm so sorry you have such an ass for a neighbour!

ccip82 · October 2013

Wow, I am sorry you have to deal with this! The neighbor sounds like a total ass. I agree with everything that PPs said. Start documenting everything and to not cater to him. He is clearly thinks he can walk all over you both and will continue to do so.

alinafed · October 2013

Ladies, thanks so much. We both own, he has been there for 16 years since the houses were built, we have been there since January.

I really appreciate everyone backing me up here... when someone starts complaining you almost doubt if you are being reasonable (but I have since realized that he is batsh*t crazy!). I guess since everyone agrees there is no reason to tell him about the baby, but to keep taking a firm line, I will do that. I may also look into who I can complain to and stuff short of taking legal action.

Unfortunately you may be hearing more about this in January if he decides to escalate it, but for now I really can't thank you enough for taking the time to read that essay and respond

nicnique · October 2013

Wow! What a nut job! I am so sorry you are dealing with this and super annoyed for you. I agree with PP's. I would document everything and definitely tell him to fuck off. I hope you can file a complaint against him some how.

Dishylo · October 2013

You might also want to have a chat with your local OPP division to see what they can recommend. They might tell you everything we've already said but they might have some better advice for you. And who knows, you might end up having to call them if he continues to act like a knob! Knowing that you went in asking for advice before it all got ugly will work in your favour.

sugarland726 · October 2013

alinafed said:

I really appreciate everyone backing me up here... when someone starts complaining you almost doubt if you are being reasonable (but I have since realized that he is batsh*t crazy!). I guess since everyone agrees there is no reason to tell him about the baby, but to keep taking a firm line, I will do that. I may also look into who I can complain to and stuff short of taking legal action.

You are right, he is wrong and unreasonable. Don't doubt yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong.

vstevens · October 2013

Just adding to PPs, document everything, and complain in writing to your board / homeowner's association each time a confrontation happens. It sounds annoying, I know, but this guy does not sound like the type to back down. If you keep things in writing over the next few months, then when baby comes the backup will be there to file more formal complaints (including with the police, if necessary).

People like this scare me...but you can't get the system to work for you unless you start jumping through the hoops early and often.

OSUWifey09 · October 2013

I agree about documenting every single thing. He definitely seems like a nut job, and you guys don't need that stress [or have someone make demands about how YOU live in YOUR house]. I live in an apartment and make a fair amount of noise but follow the rules, and I never get complaints - the guy you live by is just being a jerk. I hope this doesn't escalate, but to be prepared, definitely think you should document everything you can and report it for back-up.

litzo27 · October 2013

I'm just going to repeat what PP have said but you do NOT owe him an explanation or "warning" that baby is coming. You have a right to live your life as you wish (given that you are absolutely not doing anything outrageous). You should not be walking on eggshells in your own house at 9pm. Document everything - in writing and in photos/videotape when possible. Find out where you can complain where necessary. I agree with your intuition - sounds like when you tried to be reasonable he took it for a sign of weakness. So it's your turn to take a hard line. Threaten him with harassment complaints if he keeps it up.

ac1259 · October 2013

why the heck did that guy ever buy a townhouse? Like I know most of them are well insulated but still, if you're connected to someone there is usually noise and he has no right to try and control whether or not you drop something on the floor after 9 pm. Geez, I wouldn't even feel comfortable like doing anything with him listening like that it's creepy! I have no idea what I would do if I were you but I'm so sorry that is awful:( I mean, babies definitely cry sometimes, heck my 1 year old was crying in the middle of the night last night-he's gonna have to get over that. I'm sorry you have to deal with that!

alinafed · October 2013

@ac1259: I agree - if he is a crotchety old man who hates kids why didn't he move into an adults-only neighbourhood with single family homes? I do feel really bad knowing the baby will probably disrupt his sleep a lot but at least I can console myself with the fact that we offered to soundproof the wall and he was the one against it (before he knew we were expecting though)!

cyndilouwho77 · October 2013

Omg, this guy sounds kinda creepy to me! I agree with PP's about documenting absolutely everything....He starts blasting his music at 3am, video tape the noise along with a long glance at the clock and make sure its time stamped. He parks his car crazy, take a picture and make sure its time stamped. The more solid evidence you have the better.

We live with my parents and recently went from having carpet in the bedrooms to having some rooms with stone and some are hard wood the change in the noise level is kinda crazy. Once we added a rug and some pics on the walls the noise level started to go down....its just an option as to possibly help you sleep a little better at night. Placing either a large room rug or smaller rugs in areas that might see lots of traffic.

Good Luck and I really hope this all works out....sucks to live next to a jerk!

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