Advice please

Kebert618 · October 2013

Long story short...and may sound petty.

LO is my parents first grandchild. My patents have been divorced for 20 years and my mom just got remarried last year. (They all get along- we do holidays with both parents at the same time)
Well my mom has been referring to her husband as Grandpa (only been married for 1 year, and only been together for 2 years!)
It bothers me that she refers to him as Grandpa. He also doesn't have any kids of his own, so I get she wants him to feel included.
But it really bothers me! I feel like grandparents earn their title and I also think it bothers my dad.
Any other name suggestions for moms husband, besides Grandpa?My mom is REALLY sensitive so I want up be careful bringing it up.
TIA

natsko · October 2013

Can't relate but they are married so I can understand why she would say it. When my niece was little she couldn't say grandpa so she started calling my fil goompa, maybe wait till your lo gets older and just grab onto the first thing she tries to say, that way it cute and endearing and with your dad keep saying grandpa

MynaBird · October 2013

Does your dad want to be called Grandpa? If he does, I hope your mom and her husband would understand and respect that, especially if they all get along. We called my dad's dad Papa (Firstname) -- maybe something like that would work?

LEMSA · October 2013

We call my moms husband "papa first name" and my dad Grandpa first name. If my dad marries his GF, they will probably call her Miss first name, although that wouldn't really be correct. It's just what my nephews call her now.

LBib · October 2013

Nothing established now is set in stone until LO starts talking. When LO begins talking she may come up with a unique name for him, regardless of what the adults refer to him as. You can also help encourage any unique names she comes up with at that time under the guise of finding something that us easier for her to say.

My Mom's FI just this year became Grandpa first name with our 2 yo. I've gotten to know him better over the last few years and feel like I can tolerate Grandpa' now whereas I don't think I could have when DS was first born. He is Poppy with his 'real' grandkids so I don't feel that I am taking anything from them either. However, I did sit down with him and say that if he is going to be called Grandpa he better act like one, luckily for me he fully agreed.

Curls218 · October 2013

I agree with pp that since they're married it makes sense that she'd call him that. My grandfather remarried years ago and we all call her by her first name, but the youngest generation calls her great-grandma. And ftr, DS had two "grandpa"s since that's what my dad and FIL both were bring called by their other grand kids. They also have the same first name which only makes it more confusing!

Other terms - papa, pop pop, gramps

SarahinMD · October 2013

We do not refer to my father's wide as Grandma...just by her first name as we do for other adults. My dad died this past summer, but they had been married for eight years. Since I was out of the house when they got met and got married, plus she and I do not get along, it seemed weird to me to do otherwise. We just refered to her that way and neither of them ever said anything. BTW, I don't refer to her as a Stepmom, but rather my fathers wife. If we were to have done otherwise, we'd do grandma (last name) as we do my dad and dH's parents (his parents are too formal for us to have done first names). Now that dad is gone, I fount we'll have really any contact with her and I'm glad DD 1, then, didn't get into habit of the title.

MyBaby2013 · October 2013

We have been referring to my step dad as G-Pa. But He has been in my life for 10yrs. Do what you are comfortable with since it will bother you more than it will ever bother LO. They will catch on to whatever they hear or feel.

Limo526 · October 2013

My dad is remarried and we call her grandma Kathy. My mom is mom mom dad Is pop pop il's are grand mom grand pop.

mommabmb · October 2013

What about Opa or something that's another language for grandpa? (Opa is German- do you have any heritage to pull from?)

This let me say, "hey- wouldn't Opa be cute since you are German and it would help LO differentiate?"

BlondieBia21 · October 2013

My mom's parents are divorced. Both got remarried but my grabdma's new husband died before I was around. My other cousins just called him Paul. My grandpa remarried when I was 5. I wouldn't call her grandma and I cried their whole wedding. I thought since he was marrying, that that meant grandma isn't my grandma anymore. I called his new wife Betty until I was 12 until I learned it upset her that I didn't call her grandma.
With all that being said, I think it should be the kids choice. I know lo is just a baby, but all the grandparents need to understand that once lo can talk, what they prefer to be called probably won't matter. If your moms new husband acts like a grandpa to lo and that's the relationship he forms with him/her, than you should accept him as the child's grandpa. For the time being, I'd honestly say something to my mom that you are trying to be fair and until the bond is formed, you'd prefer the relationship not being forced.

Eta- if your mom doesn't understand, you could point out that you don't call her new husband dad, so why would it be grandpa? You could say that it's not because you're grown, it is because the bond and relationship isn't there.

leah0712 · October 2013

MyBaby2013 said:
Do what you are comfortable with since it will bother you more than it will ever bother LO. They will catch on to whatever they hear or feel.

Exactly this. My FIL remarried pretty quickly after my MIL passed away, and I've been super uncomfortable with the whole thing. So when it came time to find a name for step MIL, I needed her to choose something that wasn't grandma because we wanted to refer to my MIL with that name, even though she's no longer with us. Just have a conversation with the parties involved, and be honest yet gentle about how you feel. GL.

BlueJewelM · October 2013

While the situation may be weird, I think it's just a outcome that must be accepted with today's blended families?

I wouldn't say anything, but I don't necessarily believe grandparent is a term you "earn" as you said. Now, if my mother has been with multiple men and paraded each one as "grandpa" it would piss me off and I would say something. But if she thoughtfully and genuinely loves and is building a life with her new partner that she and I trusted, I would have no problem having an additional grandparent figure to love and care for my child.

I'm sure it's an adjustment for him too? But I think it definitely depends on the relationship you have with your mother and her partner. Most friends of mine in similar situations call their "step grandparents" (or LOs step grandparents) Gma or Gpa "first name" as well.

nnikki10 · October 2013

Grandpa feels very formal to me. I would love to have DD call my parents nana and papa.

Maybe ask your dad if there is a less formal version he would like to be called first. Like calling him papa and then your mom's husband could be grandpa.

If that doesn't work just refer to mom's hubby as his first name.

Soleil3 · October 2013

If your dad wants to be called grandpa, maybe bring it up that he gets a different name, like pops or papa or something.

As for the "earning it" part, I think you may have some control issues to work out. Also assuming this isn't her 14th husband, he is her step-grandparent, and the name really isn't hurting anyone.

V&G101808 · October 2013

I understand not wanting to call him grandpa... In the same situation I feel I'd probably react the same way.

I'd tell your mom that you're going to call your father grandpa and maybe together you can think of another nickname for her husband.

Or, the less direct approach would be to just assign him a nickname and start calling him that in hopes everyone follows along...

amandarins · October 2013

My parents are both remarried. I waited to see what my mom and dad referred to them self as and went from there. Dad and stepmom are grandma and grandpa and mom and stepdad are Grammy and grampy. I'd say your bio parents get dibs on the title, if your dad wants Grandpa then really he's the one that earned it. Just tell your mom that to eliminate confusion for LO, you have to come up with different grandparent titles for everyone, so since dad is grandpa then your DH can be pop/paw/papa or whatever. If she freaks, just remind her that it's not about her.

Kebert618 · October 2013

Thanks girls. He really is a nice guy and loves LO so I don't want to be disrespectful in any way. He baked and decorated 200 cookies for my shower and has acted as another Grandpa towards LO.
I'll talk to my dad and see what he prefers, then my mom. Both of my parents are so sensitive and I feel like I'm always tip-toeing around their feelings.

BelhurstBride · October 2013

Meh. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. LO is going to come up with a name for everyone and what ever that is will stick.

BlueJewelM · October 2013

Kebert618 said:
Thanks girls. He really is a nice guy and loves LO so I don't want to be disrespectful in any way. He baked and decorated 200 cookies for my shower and has acted as another Grandpa towards LO.

Wow he sounds like a great guy! How lucky your LO is to have to many loving "family" members!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

ericamdorr · October 2013

Neither of my parents have remarried but when I was young my grandmother remarried and we called him Proxy Pop.

RoosterMemphis · October 2013

How big of a deal do you want to make this? I mean, if you are willing to go down swinging, then go for it. But I would instead try to look at it as a positive thing, rather than a negative thing. What's best for the child? Do you think your LO will care whether or not he calls himself grandpa? Your kid is loved by so many. Titles or no titles. It really doesn't matter.

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