Christmas

es6 · October 2013

So DH and I went over Christmas lists, I know its a little early but I like to be done before Thanksgiving to avoid the lines. Here is my dilemna: I have 2 DSDs. Their mother has no visitation. BM's family comes around on birthdays and Christmas. During Christmas they get more presents because of BM"S side of the family, they get presents from their maternal grandma and maternal grandpa, they are divorced so each one gets them a ton of presents, then maternal siblings and then if their BM decides to get them anything. DH does not allow BM's side of the family to take them anywhere where he is not present because they would take them to their drug addict BM so they come to our house 2 separate times to give the girls their presents, normally when I am at work during winter break, so my DD and our DS are there. I am not complaining about them getting presents from their family at all. Do you think it would be okay if I kept a few "extra" presents for my two, so when the girls get something, they can open a present and not be left out? Or a "few" extra presents under the tree? I haven't figured out what is best yet. This will be the second Christmas since we have the girls FT. I just remember my DD crying about how the girls get so much more than her. We try to be fair to all the kids but I can't help what others do. Hope this makes sense. Please tell me I am not crazy!

Hopeforthebest · October 2013

It is never too early for Christmas talk..and I don't know about you but in a BF I think it applies even more so.

Personally I think it is okay to do whatever you feel comfortable with. Sorry I know that is not very helpful advice.

SimpleJane · October 2013

I think on of the reasons BF are hard is because it is never going to be 'fair'. Personally, I would get all of the kids equal amounts of presents and not even factor in that SDs may be getting more from their other family. I don't think you really need to make up for that.

I don't think there is really a wrong answer here though, so do what you feel is best for your family. Just know that if you spend your time trying to even out every Christmas and birthday it adds a lot of unnecessary stress. My guess is as they get older the gifts from BM side will dwindle anyways.

es6 · October 2013

Thanks! My DD has given up a lot since I married DH(IMHO). She was an only child, then she had 2 step-sisters half the time, then 2 yrs ago, we got them all the time. Then, baby brother came along 17 months ago. I used to take her away for a weekend around her birthday to celebrate, DH says because we can't afford to do it for all the kids, I had to stop doing it for her. His suggestion was to get her a few extra presents. I told him that that was just more stuff she didn't need, I had been taking her away for her birthday since she was 2(she is 10 now). So that is an on-going battle. Then she sees the girls get more for their birthday, more for Christmas, more from DH's parents(a whole different story). So, I just don't know what to do. I can only tell her life isn't fair so many times(of course I say it nicer than that) without feeling bad for her.

es6 · October 2013

I think I am just having one of those days. I can only imagine how my kids feel watching their sisters open present after present time after time. It probably sucks. Maybe a third option would be for their BM's side come when I am off and I could take the other two away so they don't have to watch.

SimpleJane · October 2013

I think it would be a really great idea to take your two and do something special while SDs open presents. I bet they would really enjoy that time alone with you!

edit to add: dinner and a movie with mom or a visit to the salon for a mani pedi is way more fun and memorable than getting a few extra presents. It also doesnt take anything away from sds since they will be enjoying family time and presents with BM family.

SueBear · October 2013

Why not make "an outing with mom" one of her extra gifts? Around the holidays there are often many shows (Nutcracker, White Christmas, A Christmas Carol). Or if she is outdoorsy maybe skiing or tubing.

I agree that you should take your kids away. It's one thing to not get exta gifts - it's another to have it shoved in your face. This is somehting you can put your foot down on - your H probably does not like being with BM's family, but that doesn't mean you need to stick around, especially when your kids are hurt in the process.

fellesferie · October 2013

For background, I have an 8-yo DS from a previous marriage and a 3-yo DD with DH. We have sort of a similar set up where DS will go off with XH or xILs and come back with a pile of new toys and presents.

When DS is gone with XH, we sometimes try to do something special with DD. We'll either go to the aquarium or maybe let her pick out a new book at the bookstore. We don't try to keep things equal as much as turn a time when we're missing DS into a positive time where we can focus on DD. When DD is off spending the night with grandma/grandpa, we do the same with DS (try to focus on time with him).

I love Jane's idea of a mani pedi or a movie. If you have the funds, you might think about doing a 'kids birthday trip' thing once a year to celebrate all of them. I love to travel (and so do the kids), so we do this. Last year we just took a day trip to go sledding. But as the kids get older, I would definitely make it a long weekend type event.

twister22 · October 2013

Background: BD & I have an almost 5yo DS, and DH & I have a 9mo DD, and plan to have several more kids together. DS can see BD EOWE.

DH & don't plan on giving DD and future kids more presents because DS gets double the presents. However, DS's presents typically stay at BD's house. I think you're situation is very different. If I were in your situation I would do one of two things:

1) Take your DS & DD out of the house when the grandparents are over giving SD's presents. Take them somewhere fun/special like @SueBear suggested. Make it a fun activity, and then get them a little "souvenir" so they have something tangible from the experience. That way even though SD's will have all these cool presents, they'll have a cool memory and a cool souvenir.

-if taking the kids somewhere else isn't possible, or you don't think #1 will work, then

2) Go ahead and get them some extra presents. Allow them to open those presents when SD's are opening their presents. In your situation, I think this is fine.

KTdidit · October 2013

I think Jane's suggestion of a day out with Mom is a great idea. But I also think that 10 years old is a good time for your DD to start learning that things aren't always fair and not everyone gets the same amount of presents all the time. Yes I know this could come off to some as heartless or insensitive. Obviously I don't know your DD, but I think that at ten years old she is probably capable of understanding at least a little of the BF situation. Your SD's have two sides to their bio family as do your DD and DS.

SueBear · October 2013

kaholland4 said:

I think Jane's suggestion of a day out with Mom is a great idea. But I also think that 10 years old is a good time for your DD to start learning that things aren't always fair and not everyone gets the same amount of presents all the time. Yes I know this could come off to some as heartless or insensitive. Obviously I don't know your DD, but I think that at ten years old she is probably capable of understanding at least a little of the BF situation. Your SD's have two sides to their bio family as do your DD and DS.

I'm wondering why the OPs DD has to learn that "life is not always fair" in regards to gifts, but the SDs don't have to learn that "life is not always fair" and that unless every child in the house can go for a special trip, the OPs DD cannot go. I understand "it's not in our budget," but in her case "it's not in the budget for all kids (specifically, the H's two girls, since the 17 month old will not care).

No, es6 and her H have no control over grandparents and can only control themselves, but I can't see telling one child in the house "life is not always fair," while expecting that same child to not do something they enjoy "to be fair to the others."

Ilumine · October 2013

SueBear said:

kaholland4 said:

I think Jane's suggestion of a day out with Mom is a great idea. But I also think that 10 years old is a good time for your DD to start learning that things aren't always fair and not everyone gets the same amount of presents all the time. Yes I know this could come off to some as heartless or insensitive. Obviously I don't know your DD, but I think that at ten years old she is probably capable of understanding at least a little of the BF situation. Your SD's have two sides to their bio family as do your DD and DS.

I'm wondering why the OPs DD has to learn that "life is not always fair" in regards to gifts, but the SDs don't have to learn that "life is not always fair" and that unless every child in the house can go for a special trip, the OPs DD cannot go. I understand "it's not in our budget," but in her case "it's not in the budget for all kids (specifically, the H's two girls, since the 17 month old will not care).

No, es6 and her H have no control over grandparents and can only control themselves, but I can't see telling one child in the house "life is not always fair," while expecting that same child to not do something they enjoy "to be fair to the others."

So what do you suggest?

Because while I DO believe that the inlaws need to be fair in their gift giving (fair does not mean equal, but if you bring ONE present to the their stepgrandchild and 4 gifts for the biological children, then you are just plane mean), she cannot and should not limit what the StepKids get from their maternal family.

That doesn't seem right either.

cole2144 · October 2013

kaholland4 said:

I think Jane's suggestion of a day out with Mom is a great idea. But I also think that 10 years old is a good time for your DD to start learning that things aren't always fair and not everyone gets the same amount of presents all the time. Yes I know this could come off to some as heartless or insensitive. Obviously I don't know your DD, but I think that at ten years old she is probably capable of understanding at least a little of the BF situation. Your SD's have two sides to their bio family as do your DD and DS.

Yeah but in our family at least SD gets a lot more gifts because not only does she have two sides to her family but she also gets gifts from my family and her mom`s fiance. My husband`s parents are divorced so she gets gifts from each of DH`s parents, BM`s parents, my parents buy the same amount for each of our kids including SD and BM`s fiance`s parents. All the kids need to learn that life is not always fair. You can`t begrudge her kids a birthday trip and make them watch SD get tons more gifts than they do.

Lavender P · October 2013

I hate how commercial the holidays are and I hate the focus on presents. However being in a BF as a child is hard, and it shouldn't have to be so blantantly unfair. She has been through a lot of transition and it would be nice to make her feel special too. Your SDs have been through a lot of change as well but at least they have each other.

I think it is really crappy that you can no longer take her on a special trip but she has to sit there and watch while her Stepsisters get tons of gifts. I get that life isn't fair, but that is expecting a lot of a 10 year old to grin and bare it.

Anyway, I love the idea of doing something special with her while the other girls are getting their presents. You should take her to get her nails done or makeup then do a girls trip to the nutcracker and make it a tradition that you can have even when she is a grown up.

KTdidit · October 2013

SueBear said:

kaholland4 said:

I think Jane's suggestion of a day out with Mom is a great idea. But I also think that 10 years old is a good time for your DD to start learning that things aren't always fair and not everyone gets the same amount of presents all the time. Yes I know this could come off to some as heartless or insensitive. Obviously I don't know your DD, but I think that at ten years old she is probably capable of understanding at least a little of the BF situation. Your SD's have two sides to their bio family as do your DD and DS.

I'm wondering why the OPs DD has to learn that "life is not always fair" in regards to gifts, but the SDs don't have to learn that "life is not always fair" and that unless every child in the house can go for a special trip, the OPs DD cannot go. I understand "it's not in our budget," but in her case "it's not in the budget for all kids (specifically, the H's two girls, since the 17 month old will not care).

No, es6 and her H have no control over grandparents and can only control themselves, but I can't see telling one child in the house "life is not always fair," while expecting that same child to not do something they enjoy "to be fair to the others."

I never made any comment in regards to OP not being able to take her DD on a weekend trip for her birthday, nor did I day that the SDs shouldn't also have to learn that life isn't fair. Since OP said that she has been doing that with her DD for 8 years now it seems like a tradition to me. I would be curious to know what kind of trip it is, though.

I do believe that one child should never be favored over another for any reason. However I also don't think that kids should be sheltered from things that could upset them. For example, when its is one child's birthday and his/her siblings all get presents too because they get upset.

I realize that it is a very delicate situation and I honestly don't know how best to handle it because I am not in it.

piffle42 said:

I think a day out with mom is a great idea, as PPs have suggested.

Life isn't fair but that doesn't mean we can't try to lessen that blow for our kids while they're young.

I actually believe this exactly. Take DD out for a mom-n-me day. She will get special attention just for her and will also have something to talk about when SDs inevitably get all excited and want to showe her the stuff they got.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

I actually really like the idea of you taking DD out when they come. Because I am annoyed for you that you had to give up your special weekend with your DD I want to say to give DH a choice to have them come when you can take your DD out or you get your weekend back. If they get spoiled by their other family I don't think it is wrong to do something special for your DD.

But there are no wrong ways to handle this. I would think it makes more sense to give her something special when they get presents instead of more under the tree. I think more under the tree will make the step-kids feel like like DD is loved more. Giving DD something special when SDs get something makes it more equal.

ambrvan · October 2013

Honestly, your DH telling you that you CAN'T take your DD somewhere special for her birthday would make me so mad in addition to the hurt you are probably feeling over this, that I would just flat out say, "You can take your daughters it for their birthdays if you want. It's not my fault if you don't." It would get you no where but in a deep fight, but it would make me feel better. X(

I would take your kids or just your DD to do something just you and them/her when SDs get their gifts from BM's family. And on DD's birthday, I would do what you want, but I would be sensitive about making sure the SD's don't feel left out our left behind (do something when they are with friends or grandparents or your H takes them somewhere).

I totally think that kids need to learn that life is not fair and they don't get something just because someone else does, but I also think they should not have to have their faces rubbed in it. That would just breed resentment. But I also think if you are going to try to soften the unfairness for your DD, then you should be sensitive to your SDs as well, I'm regards to the birthday stuff.

Wahoo · October 2013

Do you have any family you could visit around the time of DD's birthday? Something along the lines of "I'm going on a trip to see my mom / DD's grand mom" and plan her birthday around that?

Sigir · October 2013

i can totally relate. My dc and I were on our own for a while, and we used to do some special things together. Now, w my dh those things have become an issue and it drives me crazy. We have found ways to compromise over time and it has gotten better. but I can relate. Back to your original question, I would take your child out when your schildren get the multiple gifts, I agree w the others. good luck

es6 · October 2013

Thanks everyone. I was just having a day where I felt nervous for my child. It was one of my DSD's birthdays and their BM's side comes around(only around birthdays and Christmas). BM's dad and son came over to give DSD presents yesterday. I thought it would be really uncomfortable but it wasn't too bad(still uncomfortable though). My DD played with BM's other son the whole time. It was kind of strange but said nothing. I probably am going to take my kids out when they come around for Christmas though. Again, thank you everyone for the ideas.

+just+j+ · October 2013

Honestly...I think you need to tell the grandparents the situation and to please limit the gift to one and if they feel the need to spend more - please start a college fund in their name.

As their parent, you have the right to ask this and any reasonable person will understand and abide by your wishes if you put it politely and respectfully. If they refuse, then the kids should donate the toys to a good cause for children who were not so fortunate at Christmas. And you should tell the grandparents/family this.

If they don't abide by your rules - then TOUGH NOOGIES. Your home. Your children. Your rules. It's not like they go without.

mom2one · October 2013

Your kids have their MOM and that is the best present. IMO it would be wrong to buy them extra stuff.

Sigir · October 2013

tifanico said:

ambrvan said:

Honestly, your DH telling you that you CAN'T take your DD somewhere special for her birthday would make me so mad in addition to the hurt you are probably feeling over this.

This is exactly my thought. I don't know how would I react if I remarried and my husband will tell me that I couldn't do something that it was some sort of tradition with my daughter. I understand that money might be tighter because there are more kids to support but you don't have to go far or spend a lot of money.
I've btdt and I can tell you, its very hard and causes a lot of strife in a couple. We had a lot of big fights about it our first year. By now it has calmed down, and he is a lot less controlling and more understanding about it. But what do I do, honestly? I have a separate bank account (not secret, but I get the statements, not dh) that I use to do special things w my dc and I. We don't do the level of things we used to, but we still do things just the two of us that I don't think dh would necc agree w 100%, and that is ok. I use a small segment of my money to fund these special things.

Sigir · October 2013

i don't know why my reply is stuck in the grey box, sorry! I have so many issues on here when I use the ipad!

Lavender P · October 2013

mom2one said:
Your kids have their MOM and that is the best present. IMO it would be wrong to buy them extra stuff.

Yes but her DD doesn't have her dad. I don't know what that has to do with anything in relation to getting presents at Christmas and not feeling resentful or sad toward her Stepsisters.

Littlejen22 · October 2013

Mom2One, you find it fair for her DD to have to sit and watch her step-siblings get presents from multiple people not one but twice but not her her DD to get a special day out with her Mom when it is happening? And if the SKs have their Dad and the DD has her Mom then they are equal and the OPs family buys equally for the kids so her DD never gets the spoiling.

I did say above that I don't think her DD should get more under the tree though.

Ginlyn0 · October 2013

My thoughts would be to take your BKs out of the house when the maternal grandparents are over gift giving if it's a big deal. As a kid in a blended family, I watched my brother open presents from his BM's side while I opened none. It was not a big deal.

In our BF, at Christmas if we don't have DD or my SKs on Christmas that year, DS opens all but 1 present on Christmas so that the day after Christmas when the other kids are opening he has one gift. That's how we do it at our house, but we go back to MIL's and my parents on the day after and he watches the kids open their presents there and doesn't have presents to open because he already opened his. He will never know any different than this is life because of the blended family.

I will be the opposite of what a lot of people say about "special birthday trips" because coming from a house with lots of kids, I think it's different than coming from someone who might have a few kids. Can your family afford to for each kid to go on a special birthday trip for a weekend? If not then I don't think it's fair to continue that. If so and your DH chooses not to do the same with the other kids, then fine. When you blend a family, things change and everyone makes sacrifices. I used to buy DD whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted it. I spend a lot on my nieces and nephews for birthdays and holidays (basically bought for them like they were my kids). There was no way I could continue in that manner once I had more children to think about. Now, I'm not saying no special trips ever but if you do a special trip for one kid, something special should be done with the others at another time (doesn't have to be with you can be your DH). We do that all the time in our house by taking the boys certain places and the girls other places.

My DD went from being an only child for 5 years to being big sister to 3 kids over night and now big sister to 5 kids (counting her sister on her dad's side). Her life has changed dramatically, but I don't think for one minute she would choose to go back to being an only child.

Want a personalized experience?

Christmas

Re: Christmas

Choose Another Board

Search Boards