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Late Term and Child Loss
lrichmond86
member
capture your grief day 7
lrichmond86
member
Day 7. You Now: Where are you in your grief right now? How are you feeling? How far have you come? Are you wrestling with anything? Is your heart heavier or lighter now?
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Re: capture your grief day 7
Brooke Elizabeth born Feb 17, 2013 grew wings May 9, 2013 @ 11 weeks & 4 days old from SIDS
Day 7: You Now (no picture today =()
I would say I am at a "good" place in my grief now...I had a MMC a few months after I lost Bunny and honestly didn't know if I was going to be able to crawl out of that hole...I felt so kicked when I was already down. For months I really had a hard time imagining another pregnancy that didn't end in a loss...over the past month those fears (while still lingering slightly) have been calmed. God keeps putting the phrase in my head, "I don't have to carry that today."
As for now...before I got my suprise BFP with Bunny, I was going thru a very difficult time...I honestly didn't know how I was going to get thru it...then I got pregnant. When we lost her I really feared things going back to how they were before but they didn't...I truly emerged a stronger person. I look at the world and life so differently now...I am forever thankful for her and the ways that she truly gave me back my life. I kept telling my therapist that I was the saddest I had ever been but the healthiest I had ever been.
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!! One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15
Everyone Welcome.
But I've learned that it's ok to be happy. It's ok to smile during the storm.
Most days I'm doing well, but then will have very difficult moments where a trigger gets pulled and I lose it. Truly , most of the time I can think of Leah, Rachel and Gabriel and SMILE! I was even able to talk about them and smile and not completely breakdown (progress)
My heart is definitely heavier in good and bad ways. It's heavier because it's taken on more - I'm loving more - than I knew possible. But it's also heavier because the weight of missing them is so much.
But like I said - I know it's ok to be happy, that's why I chose a picture of Andy and I smiling on vacation this summer. We can still love, still smile, still breathe, still stand through this storm...
My grief is still raw. It is still new and I am still learning how it is going to settle in my life. Most days I feel good. I feel happy that there are so many things I can be thankful for in my life. I don't know how far I have come. Sometimes I think I'm really not processing all that has happened.
At the moment I am wrestling with my own choices in life. How do I want to move on from here? Am I going on the right track? Maybe I need to change the direction of my life? I definitely feel a little lost sometimes.
This is NOT an easy one to share for me on my page. Yes, I posted links to this picture before but never actually posted a picture of myself like this. I am flawed, I am broken inside, but I am also proud of my scars and imperfections, and mostly I am proud of being a mother to all my children. Having my rainbow (Miles) is helping me heal, and his pure joy brings a smile to my face daily.
Where am I now in my journey? That's complicated. I have good days and bad like everyone, but even my best days have something missing. I appreciate life more, and I know I take less for granted. I am stronger as a woman, but I am also a more worried mother. I am who I am, and I am learning to accept that.
Photo Courtesy of the 4th Trimester Bodies Project
It has only been a month since we said Goodbye to Domenik. I'm working on accepting what happened and letting go of the anger. I am definitely hoarding A LOT of anger. I think I have come a long way because I can smile about him everyday! Feeling are never the same. Some days are better then other because my little monster is always on my mind!