Acceptance

preggersINschool25 · October 2013

How do you know when you have reached acceptance? I find myself jealous of parents with typically developing kids and asking 'why me' a lot. I feel like I have accepted my situation, but it doesn't make me any less sad. If you truly accept your SN kid does the sadness go away?

I am on antidepressants and see a therapist.

ToastieSimons · October 2013

I don't think it ever fully goes away. For me, it slides into the background and rears it's ugly head when I am having tough times. But for the most part, I see my children and everything they are doing, not what they're missing. I see how hard they're working and every ounce of progress they've made. And when I see parents of typical kids, I just see them as other parents.

It takes time to mourn the child you dreamed of. And every stage comes with new things you're missing out on.

JoJoGee · October 2013

I would say I have accepted it. But, the sadness, the jealousy, the anger (see my post below) still seems to come in waves.

But, over time, I have found that the bitterness comes less frequently, and doesn't stay with me as long as it used to. I've found that I've even been able enjoy the good parts while I'm feeling down and out (something I wasn't able to do 1.5 years ago).

For me, what's helped the most is being kind to myself, and recognizing my feelings are neither good nor bad. It's me saying, "Yes, I am jealous/angry/sad. My feelings are legitimate." Somehow, embracing my bitterness allows me to let it go. And, it gives me the opportunity to embrace the good. (Of course, talking about this now, helps me realize what I need to do in regards to the post I just made... But I digress).

In addition to all of this, those closest to me have gone through a lot in the past couple of years. My niece was institutionalized for psychological issues, my best friend began having marital issues, my cousin just got out of a very abusive marriage, and my grandfather was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. And so, I'm slowly realizing that no life is perfect, everyone goes through shit at some point. And, the best we can do is try to enjoy what we can.

nomadica · October 2013

I can so relate to everything you all have said.

I thought that I had accepted it, but with the onset of new atypical behaviors and the realization that DS's autism is not as mild as I thought, I'm in a really bad place again, as bad as when he was first diagnosed. I feel like I am kind of cycling through the stages of grief. I guess it's two steps forward, one step back? The thing that makes me the most depressed is that I'll never get to a place where the hurt and sadness don't creep up.

Auntie- I only have one child too and feel that being a grandmother is also unlikely for me. That hurts. So even as an older adult, when my sisters and friends start becoming grandmothers, I'll still feel that hurt. Ugh.

bumpuser511563 · October 2013

I think I am awfully close to jealousy and not accepting the autism.

We had fair day on Tuesday and I took time off to go with DS and his daycare. I decided to meet up with the daycare before we set off.

During breakfast, a 4 year old little girl in DS's class told me DS doesn't listen, takes toys and chairs away. She asked me why DS talks the way he does and I told her he is still learning. I noticed DS's classmates were having conversations amongst each other. I got sad and hurt.

After our field trip, I left DS at the daycare for a few hours.

When I came back the same little girl said bye to DS when I went to pick him up. His other classmates said bye to him, too! So here I accepted the autism.

I know I will be cycling through it all again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week. This will be going on and on throughout DS's life.

lite-bright · October 2013

I'll be honest, it's easy for me right now because DD1 is doing well. The times it has been hardest are when she can't manage in a class or activity very well because her differences were so obvious. I still cringe when I think about the sports class in the mirrored room, or the six-week summer camp last year with a staff that had no clue.

The sadness sneaks in in other ways, though. I look at my three-YO and how much EASIER everything is for her, and it will never be that way for DD1 and that makes me so sad sometimes. DD2 knows her classmates names without having to go over pictures of them for weeks. She can join in a group of kids at the playgroup so naturally. With DD1, I feel like we have about 15 minutes before the "I don't like you"s start and I have to be ready to intervene because she just doesn't get the nuances and annoys other kids.

If she has a good day, it's easy for me to have a good day. When she has a bad day, it can hit me really hard because it brings up so much more emotions/worries than just what's going on that day.

Rachel Sonnier · October 2013

I have lots of ups and downs, with this and I think it's because we are stuck in this "no mans land" with a bunch of small separate neuro diagnosis, but without an inclusive dx. His OT and SLP have both told me that although we know that he has deficits in X Yand Z, not to be surprised if we walk away from the neurologist and dev ped without a comprehensive dx to explain it all.
When he's doing well, I'm doing really well. But when he's struggling socially, behaviorally, in pain, not sleeping, having frequent sensory meltdowns, I tend to get really weighed down in it. When I see him struggling to use his hands to do daily tasks, being unable to smile on command for a photograph, looking confused while interacting with peers, or failing to recognize close family members, I get really sad for him. I don't see that going away.
Then often other people say "they don't see it" and "he seems fine." So, I tend to try to cling to that for a while, but it never lasts.

Assembly_Reqd · October 2013

i don't think I"ll ever get there.

Making friends with the mommies at Nate's school for the deaf has been pretty helpful though. i encourage anyone to find a group of SN parents to hang with, even if the Dx's aren't quite the same. You have people to commiserate with and there are children whose struggles are different than your child's that can also give you perspective.

I had a funny convo with one of my friends who was looking at an NT preschool for her son 2 days a week to help him with expressive communication. She came back to our parent group and said "hey, did you guys know that three year olds have conversations and shit? Like REAL back and forth conversations with each other???" We got a real chuckle out of that.

I thank God he is deaf. every day.

mommytoconnor · October 2013

I feel like I have accepted it and I always see the good things he is doing and how he is progressing and am truly proud of him. Then I will feel judged by another person out in public and it really pisses me off. My son has SPD so nothing visible to clue people in, but god forbid a 3 year old have a tantrum and someone will give you a dirty look or a nasty comment and I really get irritated and often times will find myself snapping back at them with not so kind words, which doesn't help but sure makes me feel better, aweful I know, but I am human. It's hard because we all feel judged by others and should it bother us, no, but does it , yes. We think it reflects us on parents and we need to know it doesn't. We often times have a lot more on our plates than typically developing kids and I take opportunities when I am out with or without my son and I see a parent struggling to not judge and give a little compassion. You never know what that child has going on or if they are special needs. I think we all accept to a point but sometimes that green monster of jealousy will rear it's ugly head and we have a pity party for one wishing we had a typically developing child. Keep you chin up and know that you are not alone.

d.f · October 2013

You know, I think in a basic level I've accepted it. In a hey this is our life and DS is awesome we just need to get him he tools and skills to be his best self. Then new issues crop up or there's a glaring ly obvious something or other (recent behavioral problems). And I'm all dude he's FIVE and I'm already exhausted how the heck am I going to keep up this level of parenting over the long haul. Or a second income would be really nice but how the hell will I stay engaged with his teachers and keep up on his needs or advocate without that information. (Then I feel grateful that I have the option of staying home) I think part of my ability to accept is that while I don't have a crystal ball and there's always the threat of co-morbids or more difficult behaviors etc popping up I'm relatively optomistic about his future.

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