Husband been a total a** this pregnancy :( sorry, long vent...

Pink714 · October 2013

My husband has been completely insensitive and selfish my whole pregnancy. During this pregnancy, his job forced us to move, meaning I had to quit my job and nursing school

I stay at home with our 3 and 5 year olds and he will not lift a finger to help me do anything unless I've become a raging lunatic begging for help. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, he will take time off work to go hunt with his dad (which he's never done), but is too lazy on the weekends to take our son fishing, which he's been promising him

I feel like he is rebelling or some stupid crap. I'll ask him to do little household tasks for me and get "I'll do it tomorrow" which never comes. I stopped trying to talk to him about this because he just gets defensive and says that if I showed him some attention (sex), he's be more willing to "help" me. My issue is this...I am huge, in a lot of pain, have to take a daily blood thinning shot, and have two kids who fight constantly to take care of! What he doesn't realize is that his behavior and selfishness makes me want nothing sexual to do with him. And these are his kids and his house and his excuse of "I just don't DO dishes" is about to get him cut off forever! Can anyone relate? Did anyone's husband become a selfish a-hole during their pregnancy? I never expected this from him, ever. But he doesn't even seem to care that I cry almost daily because I'm so overwhelmed and hurt

mcgeeva · October 2013

Finnaroo said:

DH would be read the riot act if he acted like that. I'd be livid and would seriously consider leaving him. "I'm not helping you until you put out"? Douche. In the meantime, hire a cleaning service. If he throws a fit, tell him that you told him that you needed help and since he was unwilling to do so, you hired someone. I wouldn't hold back on the communication, though. I'd tell him that his lack of any kind of help has made you resent him and intimacy is the last thing that you want to do, because of how exhausted you feel and also because you resent him. Don't bring it up when you're fighting. Pick a time when things are neutral.

Mine was never an @hole about helping me with things. But I agre with all of this. I would hire a cleaning service, mabye a babysitter to get out for a day for yourself (I'm sure you need it) and if he didn't get his @ss in gear it would be time to make him figure his sh@t out. I may not do things like others would but I would tell him sorry this saturday I will be going to my parents, friends something where he is on his own all day with the kids. No ifs ands or butts so he can see what you go through daily. And if he still doesn't clean up his act I would suggest going to see a therapist because if it's bad now, when baby comes your going to be pulling your hair out. I had to go see someone with my husband when our son was 6 months old - we have inlaw issues that effect our marriage big time. Either way..just a thought

beck41982 · October 2013

I am dealing with the same thing with my fiancé! The only time he pays attention to me or does ANYTHING for me is because he wants sex! Even though I am huge, sore, and uncomfortable I still try to accommodate him but Im getting really tired of it. We have 3 other children(from different relationships) and he will not help me! On top of all this he is constantly asking me to rub his feet, his head, his back, etc. Im tired of rubbing on him. I wouldn't mind a back or foot rub every now and then, but the only way I get that is if I "go to the bedroom" after. As far as when I cry or get upset about any of this it just seems to irritate him and we wont speak for a day or two.

Pink, I totally feel your pain. My first pregnancy(that I went through all alone) was way better than this! Hopefully when they see their new baby things will change and they will want to help!

mcgeeva · October 2013

beck41982 sounds like you need to take your man to counseling as well. And STOP Doing things for him!! Your not helping your situation by just doing everything to help him and waiting on him hand and foot. He should be taking care of you. I am not sure why so many people think people change after a baby comes. Yes men can feel more connected to the child because they did not grow it for 9 months, but as far as changing them..they are who they are. Has he always acted like this as well? He sounds like a peach

Pink714 · October 2013

My first one he was great, my second one he traveled m-f, so he helped a lot on the weekends. I seriously don't know what is going on. Since we had to move, I have no friends close and family is hours away

I'm really thinking of not putting up with this crap anymore. I don't deserve to do everything myself and if I'm going to, I might as well be by myself

I don't know what MUD is? If this week isn't any better, we'll be having a little chat. I'm scheduled for induction in 11 days. I'm going to have enough on my plate with 3 kids...thanks for the input

mcgeeva · October 2013

Yeah take care of that asap then.

Jen4033 · October 2013

FWIW - DH & I went through a rough patch after DS was born & we did some counseling. It really helped us see how both of us using the 'I'm not going to meet his/her needs til he/she starts fullfilling mine' was really just kindling for a failing marriage. It is a dangerous circle that one of you just has to decide to break. I recommend the book His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley. While we were not concerned really about any affairs happening, the essentials to recognizing & understanding your partner's needs it really well explained in this book. I had plenty of "aha' moments reading it.

My DH was more understanding our first pregnancy, but he hasn't been as much this time. However, I know he has been very stressed sine our move. He's trying to fit way too many projects into this summer on the new house than I think he should, but to him, he's doing it all for us. As much as it irks me that I'd rather he just give us his time rather than the 'perfect yard' that I think can wait til next year.. I just try to still let him know how his hard work is appreciated.

I'm thinking there must be more behind your DH's bad mood vs just not getting any. Counseling or a calm discussion between the 2 of you could help bring it to light.

beck41982 · October 2013

Yes, he was this way before pregnancy but it is worse now. Also, we are in therapy, but he only takes what he wants from it..

Pink714 · October 2013

Oh, leftie, I totally agree with you! I don't think I should have to ask for anything to be done. I think he should see the trash is full and take the sh*t out without me having to say something every.single.time! His logic is he works all day and I'm home, so I should have no problem getting stuff done...(insert side eye now) There is no mental illness in his family ( at least not diagnosed lol). I know he's stressed with work, but that's not my fault, ya know?

mcgeeva · October 2013

Have you always been a stay at home mom? If so has he always seen things at home as your job bc he leaves home to go to work?! That may be an issue in it itself.

orijinale · October 2013

Pink714 said:
My husband has been completely insensitive and selfish my whole pregnancy. During this pregnancy, his job forced us to move, meaning I had to quit my job and nursing school I stay at home with our 3 and 5 year olds and he will not lift a finger to help me do anything unless I've become a raging lunatic begging for help. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, he will take time off work to go hunt with his dad (which he's never done), but is too lazy on the weekends to take our son fishing, which he's been promising him I feel like he is rebelling or some stupid crap. I'll ask him to do little household tasks for me and get "I'll do it tomorrow" which never comes.
I stopped trying to talk to him about this because he just gets defensive and says that if I showed him some attention (sex), he's be more willing to "help" me. My issue is this...I am huge, in a lot of pain, have to take a daily blood thinning shot, and have two kids who fight constantly to take care of! What he doesn't realize is that his behavior and selfishness makes me want nothing sexual to do with him. And these are his kids and his house and his excuse of "I just don't DO dishes" is about to get him cut off forever!
Can anyone relate? Did anyone's husband become a selfish a-hole during their pregnancy? I never expected this from him, ever. But he doesn't even seem to care that I cry almost daily because I'm so overwhelmed and hurt

My husband does a more to help than he used to. BUT if we don't have sex I see whole different side to this man. Rock his world a little bit. At least he is still asking for it and not straying from his marriage. You cut the sex off when he isn't complying with requests but if you must be calculating about it. Sounds like you two have some more things going on than I read.

Pink714 · October 2013

I've stayed home since we had kids, yes. But I did work for about 6 months overnights at the hospital as a CNA to pay for daycare so I could go to nursing school. He still really didnt do a whole lot then unless I pointed crap out to him. But, his attitude wasn't like it is now. Then it was just being unobservant.

Arod1087 · October 2013

Idani said:
Your husband sounds like a douchebag. If this is not MUD you need counceling. If my husband said that kind of crap he wouldn't be my husband anymore.

All of this. Your husband is selfish and an ass.

Arod1087 · October 2013

Oh and the sex thing? Is that a fucking joke? Tell him to use his hand. I'd punch him I swear.

peitri · October 2013

No, I cannot relate because no, my DH is not a selfish asshole. I agree with PPs about you guys needing some serious counseling. Since you're already in it, maybe try going more often, because it does not sound like you have a healthy relationship in many areas of your marriage. I really hope you guys can work out your issues.

growingmybun · October 2013

I don't mean this as any sort of judgement, but how old are you guys? Perhaps, your husband is feeling like he missed out on the going out, carefree part of life and is feeling pressure to get that out of his system before he has another child? Could be totally wrong--just thinking.

cynthiasun79 · October 2013

You need support. Try a church or mommy and me support group where the ladies help eachother out. This will help you focus on you and your pregnancy. You can deal with him later.

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Husband been a total a** this pregnancy :( sorry, long vent...

Re: Husband been a total a** this pregnancy :( sorry, long vent...

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