temp separation ??

silvie25mar · September 2013

I'm not too sure if this is the correct category to be posting in. But I figured I would get different responses based on experiences. I have an 18 mo old. I've been with my husband for well over 5 years and i'm looking for advice. Him and I always had a great relationship, BUT... we have always had some communication issues especially during arguements. It get's heated and I tend to hang on to things and not let things go. But it was what it was and we got through it. We got married and got pregnant right away, had a great pregnancy but from the moment I did get pregnant my hormones were off the wall and my sex drive went from 10 to 0. This lasted almost from the moment I was pregnant to a few months ago, so almost 2 years. After I had the baby, I had some Csection complications, high blood pressure...lots of things that I wasn't prepared for (who is) and these things kind of took me for a loop and gave me some sort of PTSD subconciously and I ended up realized later on that I had PPD/PPA. My main and only focus was my baby, and I kind of forgot about my husbands needs along the way.

He pointed these things out to me, butI was selfish and ignored them hoping it would go away. The arguements got worse and I changed. It was only about 2 months ago that I really started coming out of my PPD/PPA on my own, and decided to get some help for it. about a month ago, we had our last huge arguement which was kind of the straw, and for the last month it has been tense, akward, and negative. Over the weekend, again with my own selfishness and desire to push an arguement he said he needs space and time away from me to get himself together. Obviously I was terrified, devastated because this wasn't what I wanted and angry. I was begging that I would change, and he was saying that he's heard it all before and doesn't believe me and that this temporary separation will allow him to see if I am willing to make a change, but that nothing is garunteed.

He did come home yesterday and I tried to stay out of his way. We ended up having a really great conversation about our feelings with no arguing and I really felt happy with it and felt like it was productive. One of the best we've had in a long time.   But - he still left.   He said he isn't coming home tonight either.. and that we will see how it goes.   We both cried when he left.

I truely deep down am praying that he does come back, but I don't watn to push. He has made it clear not to push and ask him to come back, and I know I need to have him decide that on his own. But it hurts me so much. I'm willing to put forth the effort to change certain things about me that have always needed changing if only for the benefit of me and my own happiness.   He says i'm doing it beacuse i'm scared now... and that may be true. But maybe thats what I needed.     I don't know what to do.... Every part of me just wants to push and push and beg him to reconsider.    I haven't slept properly in 2 days.

Has anybody been through this? and was it temporary... can i fix this???    I know we love each other. I know he wants to be home with me. He just feels broken and needs to regroup and collect his thoughts. I'm just terrified that he will decide he wants it permanent.

Please help.

LoCarb · September 2013

((hugs))

Actions speak louder than words. Make sure he sees the effort you are making to save the marriage. Manifest and make a list of qualities you want to be (both to yourself and him). Also, counseling. I highly recommend couples and individual counseling. This will help both of you sort through your feelings. Do you need meds for the PPD? There is no shame using medication to feel 'normal' again.

A separation can be temporary especially if you both want to work things out.

silvie25mar · September 2013

Thank you. No I don't take meds. They were recommended but amidst the stubborness and fear i didn't want to take them. I will be starting councelling again next week and i'm actually excited about it. I think it will really help me. If they are recommended again I will consider it. Couples councelling he has never really been a fan of. I will do my individual councelling first and if things start to smooth over and he comes back I will lightly touch on it, and maybe suggest he come with me once. I really hope it's temporary. .

jd614 · October 2013

I hope it's temporary too . Marriage is such a series of peaks and valleys and while maybe you needed a kick to get there it does sound like you want to make changes . Definitely keep showing him how much you want this to work without nagging him . Maybe write him a letter , or record a tape of everything you want to say. Make sure he knows you are starting counseling to better yourself and will consider medication to take care of the chemical imbalance you are likely experiencing from hormones as well. Ask him what you can do to make him happy . And maybe you need something from him in return and that's ok too. It takes 2 to tango after all. Good luck to you... I hope your husband finds his way back home if that's what is best for your family .

2-Step · October 2013

I'm sorry to hear this, but it sounds to me like you are working hard to get on track. I agree with writing or recording your feelings, then put them away and down the road you can listen to them again and see if they are worth sharing later on. It will help you get things off your chest without nagging. Counseling will help with that too.

It sounds like you understand the role you can play to make this better and it sounds like he wants it to be better too. Keep going with your counseling and consider meds. Maybe set up a daily or weekly talk with him to show him your progress without nagging? Anything to keep the lines of communication open will be good.

EMOmamma · October 2013

First off - you were sick (pregnancy then PPD) - I'm betting your vows included "in sickness and in health" if you had cancer your H wouldn't be harping on you for not paying attention to him enough, or not enough sex.

Second - you're making it sound like everything is your fault. It's not. Maybe you were so focused on the baby b/c he wasn't helping enough in the evenings. Did he plan dates and arrange for babysitters to spend more time with you? Has he been trying?

My H and I have been having a lot of trouble the last few years. So I'm not pretending to be some expert on good marriages or anything but I just want to say what your post conveys to me.

We're doing a PPD checkin on the parenting board if you want post or read some other experiences.

silvie25mar · October 2013

You're right about everything. I do feel like because it is such a sensitive time, and he compared it to a nervous breakdown that I have to pick and choose what I fight for. He is angry, upset, frustrated, and hurt. Not because of the PPD, but just what changed and came along with it. To be honest, I don't remember half the stuff that happened in the last year or so. I'm sure he tried to make date nights and I'm quite sure I squashed it with. It "being ready". I think control really took over during the first 12 months and I wasn't comfortable leaving her with anybody. I'm not sure why that happened.

A lot of things are my fault, but there are some that are his as well. I can't force him to realize those things I can only work on myself and my own acknowledgement as to my errors.

He did come back last week, and he has stayed. My constant need to always ask questions about his feelings instead of just letting it be has irritated him and he gets very anxious. Over the past few days he has become more of himself and while a few days ago I tried to initiate sex he said he didn't want to and was still dealing with things and didn't know if he would want to moving forward. A day or two after that we did. I was a bit hurt at that comment because I'm thinking wtf? You don't know if you ever will? I'm hoping that's the anger talking.
We were supposed to have a week off at the end of Oct To go away down south with the baby. He made me cancel that in mid September, probably best financially. But now he is saying he might just work that week now. And I'm thinking .... Why not take a few days to just be alone together. And he said we will see how it goes.

I'm just frustrated because why would he even second guess wanting to spend time together? He has gone back to more of his normal self so am I to assume if it continues things will be better by then and he will want to spend a few days together? Or am I to assume that even though he says he wants to be together and work on things, he really doesn't. Confused.

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