Feeling down and scared (long and venty)

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

I'm struggling. I've been sick for over a week and half now with a nasty virus and that is definitely wearing me down, but the scary feeling of hopelessness and fear that comes with infertility is also getting the better of me today. I'm on my third medicated IUI cycle. The doctor warned me that we would "need to have a serious talk" if this cycle doesn't work. I'm pretty sure that "serious talk" = IVF. I have really mixed feelings about IVF for a host of reasons and I honestly don't know if that is a path we would pursue. My thoughts on the matter swing in wildly different directions on any given day. I have absolutely zero faith that this cycle will work.

I just got back from my monitoring appointment and I had a poorer response this month than in months prior. My response is still technically fine, two dominant follicles, but one is probably too big and another two small that by the time I trigger I don't really know that either of them will be viable. Given my plummeting AMH and that my periods seems to get lighter and lighter, I feel like there is a time bomb on my ovaries and that I am either quickly approaching or already in perimenopause. Turning 36 last month hasn't helped make me feel any younger. I think it is a matter of time until I just stop responding altogether and this lower response this cycle is getting into my head as the beginning of the end. My lining was also pretty crappy at 5.5mm. I have a few days to plump it up, but I think my estrogen is low and I don't see it happening. At least not to the point it needs to be for a decent shot.

I don't even know what I am looking for with this. I just needed to get it out, sorry if it is too AWish.

I feel hopeless, frustrated, and just downright scared.

And if you've made it this far, drinks are on me.

toomanycats1 · October 2013

Aw luv, I am so sorry. I've been feeling pretty defeated lately as well, so I can relate to how scary and helpless (hopeless?) it can be. Like teetering on the edge of a cliff, and you don't know if you're going to fall right off, or remain on safe ground able to continue your planned life path. I am so sorry, but T&Ps that this IUI works out, and you don't even have to face that horrible discussion with the RE. ((Hugs)) friend!

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

HelloSweetie1 said:

Aw luv, I am so sorry. I've been feeling pretty defeated lately as well, so I can relate to how scary and helpless (hopeless?) it can be. Like teetering on the edge of a cliff, and you don't know if you're going to fall right off, or remain on safe ground able to continue your planned life path. I am so sorry, but T&Ps that this IUI works out, and you don't even have to face that horrible discussion with the RE. ((Hugs)) friend!

I'm sorry you are feeling defeated as well. I wish none of us were going through this. I guess we'll just hold on to each other. Big (((hugs))).

buggirl72 · October 2013

Big ((((hugs)))) and I hate that you are feeling this way. Is canceling the IUI an option? I know you have already spent the money on the meds but if you feel like your response is that bad, I would TI this cycle and think about one more IUI after you feel better.

More (((hugs)))

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

buggirl72 said:

Big ((((hugs)))) and I hate that you are feeling this way. Is canceling the IUI an option? I know you have already spent the money on the meds but if you feel like your response is that bad, I would TI this cycle and think about one more IUI after you feel better. More (((hugs)))

My RE just called and he wants me to do my last shot of Menopur and give it a few more days to see what happens. I'm going back in for a second monitoring on Sunday. We will see what he says then.

Amores0121 · October 2013

Big ((hugs)) to you. I am so sorry you are going through this and feeling this way. It really broke my heart reading your post. IVF is definitely a serious thing to think of...if you do not want to go that route, would you consider adoption? I hope you get over the virus quickly, I'm sure that is only adding to the stress.

EKGibs · October 2013

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. I completely understand the hopelessness. I had mixed feelings about IVF, also. (((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))))

gscoville · October 2013

I'm so sorry, and just want to offer you all kinds of ((big hugs))

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

Thanks so much for the love and (((hugs))), ladies. It means more than I can say. I think not feeling good is just adding to the difficulty of this cycle and taking a toll on me emotionally.

I just got back from my monitoring appointment and now there is concern that I have overstimmed (ARGH). I have 6 follicles. They are trying to decide if I we should cancel this cycle. Normally, they would cancel outright, but given my age, DOR, and that I have not had a positive with any of my IUIs (last one had four follicles), they are on the fence and, in part, leaving it up to me. I don't know what to do. I only saw one of the fellows this morning, but he was going to call and talk to my RE and get back to me. I have a sneaking suspicion that they are going to leave it up to me and the level of risk that I am willing to take on. I'm very conflicted.

RedTwizzlers · October 2013

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's difficult when your doctors leave things up to you, when it would often be easier just to have them decide. It's an impossible decision. Just a thought I had, is there any way to convert to IVF - take the eggs out and fertilize them, and then go from there?

((((hugs))))

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

wickedsugar said:

A little late but ((Hugs))

They aren't late! I'll still take them. Thanks, wicked.

MsAmandaPants · October 2013

RedTwizzlers said:

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's difficult when your doctors leave things up to you, when it would often be easier just to have them decide. It's an impossible decision. Just a thought I had, is there any way to convert to IVF - take the eggs out and fertilize them, and then go from there?

((((hugs))))

Thanks, lady. The fellow that I talked to called my RE and spoke to him this afternoon and just called me back. They feel that I should proceed with the IUI. Given my age, and history of failed IUIs with 4 follicles, they think the risk of higher order multiples is low (something like 5%). I'm still torn and keep going back and forth. While low, 5% is still 5%, you know what I mean?