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Advice needed

Doubletrouble12Doubletrouble12 member
in Blended Families
My 7yr old SDs spend the week with us every other week. Come home on Friday leave to go back to BMs the following Friday. I am off every other wknd which falls on the wknds they are home. I feel like before they are even home I get stressed out about the wknd and them being there. I've thought about trying to see a counselor to talk. I also have 1 yr old DDs. There is alot going on when my SDs are home.  Any advice?? Anyone else in a similar situation? Thanks!
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Re: Advice needed

  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Can your DH see if you can swap weekends with BM?
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • Doubletrouble12Doubletrouble12 member
    Possibly or maybe even trade weekends at work...I just feel like I"m trying to get away from them if I do that though. Does that make sense? I really would like to enjoy it or look forward to them coming home. 
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Try work first andmaybe save the drama with BM. Do NOT feel bad about this. If you are stressed out you arent doing anyone any favors grinning and bearing it.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • CurlieWhirlieCurlieWhirlie member
    I get stressed out about the weekends my SO's boys are with us, just because they're super hectic and there's never any downtime for me. I don't feel that way about weekend time with my own DS, because he's mine. I think it's normal to feel like that. We aren't family, so to a certain degree we feel "on" around each other. Social rules are different.
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    I've been with my DH for over 5 years and I still get a little bit of anxiety the day that SS is coming over. It is because we are used to our routine and our house being a certain way. When SS comes over the entire dynamic feels different and it feels like it is more work for me, during a time that is supposed to be relaxing. Don't feel guilty about doing whatever you need to in order to feel more at ease with the situation. You definitely have to schedule some down time for yourself too.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    What have you done to work on the issues within the house?  

    Is it because you have more to do when they are there?  Then have your DH take on more of their care.  

    Is it because they are overly loud?  Then ensure that you have me time every day they are there. 

    Is it because you have to totally throw your schedule out the window?  Then tell DH that you will no longer play disney land and that you will continue with your usual routine with just some added special time, not just all about them. 

    Now, unless the kids are totally rude to you, I am not saying you step back all together.  But you can and should be able to work with your DH on coming to a more cohesive weekend house before you start avoiding them.  

    Because AVOIDING THEM is only pushing the actual problem aside. 
    file:///Users/Ilumine/Desktop/Family%20Portrait%20for%20gift.jpg
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  • WahooWahoo member

    How easy it is to switch times at work? 

    I don't think you should feel guilty.  I can't tell you how many posts I read on FB when school was about to start and moms (bio-moms) were saying "Just get these kids into school already!" or when there is a snow day and they are saying "are you KIDDING ME?!?"  Because they need to get things done and get back on schedule.  These are people who love their kids and would do anything for them, who run around like maniacs with sports and activities and volunteering at the school, but who need their kids out of the house for peace / quiet / ability to do work, etc.

    Maybe you can make a schedule that works so you can get out of the house and get things done.  The girls can spend some quality time with their father without you, while you run errands, get a pedicure, get a cup of coffee with a friend.  Maybe start a new tradition "Pancakes with Daddy" and they go out for breakfast or he makes them pancakes or eggs or whatever while you get out.

    Don't let it fall on you to make all of the arrangements and be available 24/7.  I know as women we tend to plan things, but your H is a big boy and can care for his 7 year olds on his own for a few hours. 

     

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    Agree with PP that its totally normal to feel "on" when the step kids are around and it can mess with your usual schedule sometimes. I'm not sure making a permanent switch at work is the best move bc then that's an obligation you can't get out of and you could miss opportunities to do whole family things, but I definitely suggest finding a way to have you time amidst the commotion of step kids being at your house too.
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  • Doubletrouble12Doubletrouble12 member
    I appreciate all the input! I do feel like it's just alot more work when they are there and I think one of the main reasons is it takes time away from me spending time with my 2 DDs that are 1.  I appreciate those that said I shouldn't feel bad about feeling this way, it helps to know that others have felt like this before.  I'm going to try to schedule more "me time" and hope that helps some.  Hopefully as they get a little older and more self sufficient it will help also.  
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    I am all for switching your times on the weekends they are there if you are seriously stressed out and if you feel like it's detrimental to a healthy household. But if you can figure out a way to distress or maybe make sure your husband is taking on a lot of the parental responsibility, without switching weekends...I'm all for that too. 

    I am also a proponent for counseling if you feel you need it.  Sometimes a little perspective and help trying to figure out what is really stressing you and learning new ways to cope with it are good.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • twister22twister22 member
    Ilumine said:
    What have you done to work on the issues within the house?  

    Is it because you have more to do when they are there?  Then have your DH take on more of their care.  

    Is it because they are overly loud?  Then ensure that you have me time every day they are there. 

    Is it because you have to totally throw your schedule out the window?  Then tell DH that you will no longer play disney land and that you will continue with your usual routine with just some added special time, not just all about them. 

    Now, unless the kids are totally rude to you, I am not saying you step back all together.  But you can and should be able to work with your DH on coming to a more cohesive weekend house before you start avoiding them.  

    Because AVOIDING THEM is only pushing the actual problem aside. 
    All of this. I think it's fine to take a break every now and then. But to avoid them on the weekends all together? What if you switched weekends at work for just one weekend? That way you have one weekend "off" when the SKs aren't there. And if you need to do this a few times a year, so be it, there's nothing wrong with that. But just avoiding the SKs all together on the weekends just doesn't seem right.
    image
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  • Doubletrouble12Doubletrouble12 member
    I totally agree twister22, I feel like if I switch my wknds I'd be avoiding them. Plus I do like to do family things with all of us and it would be really hard to do that if I switched wknds. That is a good idea maybe switching ocassionally.   The counseling may help as well. It's nice just having someone else to talk to. DH doeesn't really understand where I'm coming from exactly.  
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  • twister22twister22 member
    ascott1125 said:
    I totally agree twister22, I feel like if I switch my wknds I'd be avoiding them. Plus I do like to do family things with all of us and it would be really hard to do that if I switched wknds. That is a good idea maybe switching ocassionally.   The counseling may help as well. It's nice just having someone else to talk to. DH doeesn't really understand where I'm coming from exactly.  
    I think switching occasionally and counseling would be great. It would be good to talk to a neutral person. Also, make sure to take some "you" time. Even on the weekends the SK's are there, if you need a break then take one. Go get a pedicure with a GF on a Saturday morning, or our to dinner with a GF on a Friday night.
    image
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