TTC, looking ahead and trying to plan. Current working moms, advice?

Kyselova · October 2013

I know it's one thing to assume you know what'll work out after you have a baby, but for me I always like getting first-hand accounts of what can actually happen. Everyone's different, yes, yes, and I know a baby could throw those nice, thought out plans straight into the trash. I'm pretty sure nothing predictable with a new little bundle of joy!

So.

Hubby and I are TTC, and we both work and go to school. What we are considering is switching off semesters for who takes online and who goes to class, and having me be a (mostly) stay-at-home mom. We talked about me working 2 days (on his days off), but I feel guilty for not bringing in as big a paycheck! I know I'll have my hands full with baby, but the guilt is still there.

Like I said, I'm just thinking ahead, trying to get some major things (like work and money) sorted out before *woop!* !there's baby!

So, current working mommas, based on your experience, what's worked for you? What do you think of our plan? Are we dreaming, or could it actually work?

MamaAllison · October 2013

Agree with PP. I am so glad I finished grad school (which I did while working full time) before I had a kid. I really can't imagine doing a whole lot of anything after working all day and then caring for DD. Most nights DH and I crash into bed soon after we put her down. What you've proposed isn't impossible, but it definitely sounds far from ideal!

Kyselova · October 2013

Thanks for the insight, def gives me stuff to reconsider!

DTNZ4Ever · October 2013

I'm so glad we both finished grad school before we had DS. DH works 5 days a week I work 4 days a week. I like having that extra day with DS plus it is a day less of daycare. I love being a working mom. It makes me a better mom I have never felt like I missed out on anything with DS. I really couldn't be a SAHM I would go crazy but that is me.

Stephorse · October 2013

I was in middle of finishing my master's when we found out we were expecting. I'm a teacher and had been working for a couple years for the same district. I postponed my final project until the spring and took a three month maternity leave (via FMILA) and it was wonderful. I went back to work in Jan, and it was hard at first, but it worked out. My master's was all online so I was able to complete the project by May and still work and take care of LO. It was tiring though at first, but I'm so glad I stuck it out and finished it. My DH doesn't have benefits, so I had to work to not only bring home more money, but also benefits. Now I am starting a new job and won't be able to take as much time off. I will only take the 6 weeks off since we can't afford for me to be on leave longer than that since I won't get paid at all this time.

I would suggest taking a hard look at your finances. What can you afford to do? Can you afford to stay home? Would you still have benefits? Who would watch your LO when you went to work those couple of days? Is it even worth going to work for those couple of days? If we could swing it I would stay home for the first couple of years into both kids are in preschool and then go back to work, but it's not possible for us. Take a look and see what you can handle.

Kyselova · October 2013

We do have family right down the road who (being very excited to be grandparents even before it's happened) let us know they are very willing to watch the LO when we need it. But I don't want to have to keep dropping off LO to family members, and from what I've heard, depending on the job, it's almost cheaper not to work, then dish out a lot of money a month to daycare. Glad to see you all have gone through the school thing, it's my main concern. Online classes seem to be the way to go, and I'm thinking of just really upping my class load to get it knocked out quicker, so I don't have much to finish when LO gets here. I'm headway done, so it shouldn't be too hard to turn a year and a half left of classes into a year, hopefully!

Kyselova · October 2013

*halfway done

And with my job, I make commission, so it does help. Just glad to see how other people have gotten through it, so I have a better idea what I'm faced with when it happens

jf198400 · October 2013

You didn't mention how old you and your husband are, or how long it will take for both of you to finish. DH and I both just have our bachelors and had our first child at 25. Now we are realizing it would have been much easier to get our masters If we had done if before kids. I can't imagine going to school now with working FT and kids. My BFF has 2 kids and did her masters online and now just has one semester left. It's doable but far from ideal. If you don't have much school left, I'd really try to hold of TTC a little bit longer.

Kyselova · October 2013

I think that's the biggest debate, is if I should work. As far as finances go, we have money set aside for everything at all times, so we aren't paycheck to paycheck like some people our age. We both wanted to be independent so we have been working hard to get that way. School... we both have about a year and a half left, if we only did 4 class a semester, which was why I was planning on maybe taking a heavier load next semester and maybe over the summer, to get the bachelor's knocked out of the way. But it's a good point, anyway, you all bring up. Schools kinda (really) a big deal. I'm just happy I'm almost done.

C12H22O11 · October 2013

Honestly, if I were you, I'd wait until you both are out of school. DH and I both work FT, and I can't imagine trying to add school to that mix, since arguably, school is harder to deal with. There's studying and tests and knowing you have to be on your game. A baby will make that 10X harder. Obviously, I don't know about your age or fertility status, but waiting until you are absolutely able financially and emotionally available to commit to a child is always what I recommend.

financialdiva · October 2013

Others bring up great points, but it sounds to me like you want to SAH rather then work. If you can afford it and want to do so, then go ahead, but keep in mind how difficult it will be to start a career 5 years( or however long you SAH) after you graduate.

Maybride2 · October 2013

We started TTC 9 months before I was set to graduate with my masters degree. Being pregnant, working FT and going to school FT - even online - was hard, no way would it have been possible for me to do it with an infant. I had peers drop out of the program after having a baby. I think that if you truly want to finish school, do so before TTC. It will be much, much harder to do after. As for being a SAHM - if you guys can afford it (though, I have to question how financially secure you are if neither of you have college degrees yet.......could you really afford to support a 3 person family with your husband's income? Do you know what diapers cost? What type of health insurance do you have?) then go for it; but know that trying to get a job later on down the road, with no college degree and being out of the workforce for awhile, will be damn near impossible. You'll be competing with teenagers for entry level jobs in customer service - which is ok, as long as you realize that and are ok with it.

JJ_13 · October 2013

I would recommend you take the heavier load in the next couple of semesters and then try to get pregnant. I'm assuming age/fertility is not a factor here. Going to school AND working AND having a baby sounds awful to me. I think you can do one or the other, while having a baby, but not both.

Since you only have a year and a half left, and pregnancy would last half of that, I'd take heavy loads the next two semesters and then try to get pregnant and finish up school while you're pregnant. I would NOT try to get pregnant until the point where you know that you can finish school BEFORE the baby comes. Then, once baby is here, you can evaluate if you want to stay home or work. Either way though, you'll have the degree which is important to me - and it sounds like it is to you too.

KKCARLS · October 2013

If you are both going to school, are either of you working the jobs you'll be working after you graduate? Before bringing a baby into the mix I would want to know the financial situation that you'll be working with if it is going to change after graduation. If you both (or your H, since you want to be SAH) plan on finding your career type of job after graduation, I would wait until that is official since job hunting may take longer than planned.

Also there is another post trending on this board about making weeknights easier. Read it to see how little extra time working moms have and see if you think you'd be able to fit in studying time. Also if you think you would be able to SAH and do online classes, look for posts on this about being a work from home. Most people say if you work at home you must have a babysitter or you will get nothing done tending to your baby's needs.

Kyselova · October 2013

Well in regards to a career in my degree.

I live in Alaska. If any of you have lived in Alaska, or traveled here, it's a wonderful place. But it can be difficult to find work you want, or applies directly to your degree. My degree? Anthropology. A lot of anthro students DO find work (yes, that contradicts my last statement, but hold on..) in a lot of workplaces dealing with Native interests, As someone born and raised here, I am basically sick of the subject. Natives are great, I know a lot of people from small villages up here, but I have zero desire of being there. So, eventually, we are planning on moving. Anchorage is the biggest city I've ever lived in (google it, look at the pop. and yes, I'm very sheltered in a lot of regards). I went to San Fran a few years ago for a Forum, and saw my first billboard, and was absolutely terrified when the cab driver went down the freeway. Hooolllyyy crap it was crazy. Anyway, career wise, I work in a grooming salon at Petco. The money can be pretty nice. It's just now getting into the "busy season" of the holidays, and I'm averaging $120- $150/day, with that about to go up significantly. Groomers make double that usually. So, it's not a bad place to work, and I'm not making minimum wage. Hubby is getting into IT, which is really nice too. So no McDonalds work for us. Now, I know there's a lot of better jobs and pay out there, but for where I live, and for the possibilities for us specifically, I'm still able to make more a day than a lot of my family and we both have good jobs. So even if I go down in my workdays, or stop working, we are still bringing in money. Right now, I only work three days a week anyway and we are doing fine.

The degree thing in general.. In my family up here (from Grandma to mom, and aunts and uncles in between), I've gotten the farthest in college, and the only one to graduate. So it was always expected of me, to get a degree, even if I don't go right into a job immediately afterward. It's important for me to at least get a Bachelors, but like I said, family was behind a lot of it too.

So that's some background, and maybe some of ya can tell me what you think? I know I'm young, but I really am getting a lot out of just this post, and hearing you all. DH and I are going to sit down soon and go over a theoretical financial plan. Saw a great post saying, lay out a financial budget as if you had a baby, then try to live on it for at least a month and see if it's doable.I really like that idea, so I'd like to start it ASAP to really get my head out of the clouds and see the reality of it all.

You all bring up the very good point of school and raising a child, and that's still gonna be the biggest thing for me to sit down and figure out too. I'm going to sit down and plan out (again, theoretical) the next two semesters to see how much I can fit in and how soon I can get it all over with. At least I'm on the downhill stroke for college, and haven't just started!

Anywho, since I elaborated a bit more, do you think I'm on the right track with this still? Budget planning and class planning? Anything else you would write down and really look over, like the budget and classes? And for you, what is your biggest expense with a child besides DC? (btw, I'm not trying to be rude throwing in my wages up there, it's just to give an idea so you can comment what you think).

TheBorg7of9 · October 2013

You still don't really have a compelling reason why you have to have a baby before finishing your degree, or any reason at all! Why not wait another year? Not a big deal.

CutiesMommy420 · October 2013

Not a big deal... I got pregnant in GRAD school getting my masters and I planned it!!! Crazy eh? I gave birth and a week later wrote a final... My DD turned 1 and I had a masters degree (and I work full time!) it can be done if you are determined!

kristennd · October 2013

I spent 23 years in Alaska and attended UAF.

The others have addressed the school issue, so I'll just touch on one thing in your original post -- the guilt about not bringing in as much money. That is a mindset to work on before you have a baby. You'll see regular descriptions of marital conflict where the spouse who brings in more money feels that this means they contribute more to the marriage in general, regardless of who is doing more housework, child care, etc. (Even more so on the SAHM boards, of course.) It's doom for a relationship.

I'm the primary breadwinner. DH is home with LO during the day and works weekends and some evenings. Especially for that first 18 months, what I was doing in the office to bring in our revenue was a vacation compared to what he was doing at home all day, on little to no sleep. We were contributing equally to our family. The form of the contribution is moot.

As someone else already mentioned, one major downside to not being home at the same time is no one really ever gets a break, and that really wears you down psychologically. Not to mention the physical lack of sleep.

ASmallWonder · October 2013

Kimbus22 said:

I personally would not be TTC until I was done with school. I guess it's doable if you're financially able to SAH but after a day alone with my kid I'm exhausted and the last thing I would want to do is hours of schoolwork. Unless I had a really pressing reason I couldn't wait until I had my degree, I would wait. People with kids work and go to school all the time but I don't know anyone who would actually choose it. Everyone I know who's done that has done it because they had an "ooops".

Opposite schedules works for us but it doesn't for a lot of people. Keep in mind that if you're working the 2 days your H is not, you'll have very little time together. That's a big deal if you're used to having lots of time. Especially when you throw in adjusting to parenthood with it. Babies are hard on relationships and there's a huge adjustment period.

I don't think that your plan isn't doable, I just don't think it's the easiest route to take and since you're not currently KU, I'd be sure it's absolutely what I wanted to do before I went ahead with it.

To follow this train of thought (which I agree with), you'll struggle to adjust to being a family if you're never actually together as a family. It's one thing if it can't be helped but you may find yourself resenting the fact that you can never go to a pumpkin patch or see the Christmas lights together or visit family or hell, have a date night. It's tough never having time all together.

Katelobster · October 2013

My husband works FT + travel and is getting his MBA. I work 3 days a week. This is not what I would have chosen if I could have planned it. I spend 2-4 evenings a week alone with our child until he gets home at 9:30, and hours every weekend taking care of her alone so he can do homework or meet with his group. We've been doing this for 2 years and we have so little time to see friends, invite people over, get projects done around the house, go on date nights, etc. We didn't plan this -surprise baby and surprise job offer that would pay for his MBA100% but he had to start it immediately. We wanted to have our kids close in age, but there's no way we'd survive with another baby right now so that has to wait. I am also chomping at the bit to for a career change and would like to go back and become an RN, but the thought of doing work+school+small kids sounds so horrible that it will probably be a minimum of 4 years before that happens, and I'd probably quit my job entirely instead of taking up family tine to do it. So if you can't already tell where I'm going with this, my advice is to wait. You will enjoy your baby's first years so much more if one or both of you isn't constantly stressed about the next homework assignment.

KayteeGee · October 2013

I'm like @Katelobster above.
DH works full time+ and is doing his MBA - and he travels every other weekend for his MBA program and I work in a very demanding full-time job.
We have a 2.5 yo.
It's exhausting. I am completely on my own every other weekend plus his work and interview and "extra MBA opportunity" times and am pretty much the sole parent during the week and non-school weekends because he's studying, doing group calls, interviewing and networking or making up regular work. To be fair, my H is AMAZING - he still gets dinner going for us (he gets home earlier than I) and tries really hard to be as present for us as possible. But there's a reason we haven't TTC #2 until just now - because there was NO CHANCE I'd do this with a second.
Do yourself a favor and wait. Enjoy school, enjoy being married and just being a couple. I'm assuming you're young, so don't rush...

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