Rainbow Birthday Party (Sig warning and sensitive topic!)

Petunia844 · September 2013

I hope you ladies don't mind I post here... I know it's been forever and most of you probably don't even know/remember me... but I don't know who else to "talk" to. This last weekend was my rainbow's birthday party and I was expecting to get emotional, but I totally lost it. When we were singing happy birthday with about 50 of our friends/family around and I should have been laughing at my little baby eating his cake I totally lost it and tried to hide my face in my husband's chest. I just kept crying when people were coming up to hug me and I felt like a few of them knew what was really going on but most of them thought it was happy tears... I wish it had been.... I was just SO SAD. I'm so sad that I never get to sing to Peyton, I'm so sad he doesn't get to be there for his brother's birthday in the way I want him there, I'm so sad that for his birthday next month we can only visit the lake where his ashes are and not throw him a huge party. I've been doing really well lately, but it was just so so sad... and then on top of it I was sad to be sad on such a happy day. Don't me wrong, I couldn't be more grateful, I couldn't. Other than the meltdown it was a perfect day... but isn't just so damn unfair that all of our perfect days will always be bittersweet and not perfect??

I just had to vent to people who really truly know why I was crying.

angelsnight · September 2013

Ticker warning

I have no experience in this yet, but I get it. I'm so sorry you felt so sad. I'm in the very beginning stages of getting my rainbow's nursery together, and while I'm so thankful to be in this situation, I know it will be sad as well. That should be my angel's room, those should be my angel's things. We didn't have a lot, but we had some clothes, both new and hand me downs for our angel, and I can't decide if I should use them for my rainbow if they're the same sex. It makes me sad to pack them away forever, but it makes me sad to use them for my rainbow as well. I hate that every happy occasion is also tainted with the sadness of our losses as well.

Big hugs to you!

Petunia844 · September 2013

Thank you. FWIW, we had a boy after our boy and we chose to give him his brother's things... it makes me smile whenever he uses them. It's sad though because he's now outgrown any clothes that were for his brother, but he still has toys/books/blankets that were for him and I love that he uses them. I feel like it's a way for them to "play together."

Noethola · September 2013

***Siggy warning***

I agree, its so sad that now even happy moments are tinged with sadness. Memories built on top of memories that should be, but aren't. It absolutely sucks. I have yet to experience this exact situation, but I know it will be hard. Big ((hugs)) sweetie.

OSUWifey09 · October 2013

***SIGGY***

When DS turned 4 last year, I bawled my eyes out when we sang "Happy Birthday" to him. I had imagined spending his birthday with both of my boys, not just one. I know it's not the same as what you experienced, but I can sorta kinda empathize [is that even the right word? maybe?].

It's definitely unfair that all of our happy moments will probably always be tinged with a little sadness. So, so unfair. Lots and lots of hugs coming your way.

Doublegreen · October 2013

Petunia844 said:

Thank you. FWIW, we had a boy after our boy and we chose to give him his brother's things... it makes me smile whenever he uses them. It's sad though because he's now outgrown any clothes that were for his brother, but he still has toys/books/blankets that were for him and I love that he uses them. I feel like it's a way for them to "play together."

Bless your heart. I love to see mothers of rainbow children talk about life after the tragedy and your blog is just beautiful and uplifting!! And I'm sorry that you and all of us will have to battle two extreme feelings of emotions at our childrens birthday parties.

When I lost Warren, I felt that the only way I would feel significantly healed is the day I bring home a baby. But as I read other blogs and posts, I see that we are forever marked by our angels. I'm just looking forward to time relieving me of the frequency of my meltdowns at the moment. (I spent a few minutes in the middle of Target the other day after coming across the Halloween costume aisle)

I hope that in time, you will find that balance where you can celebrate your child's milestones and remember your angel without being overwhelmed by your emotions.

jbranden12 · October 2013

((HUGS)). I am terrified of Anna's birthday in January. All of the emotions associated with the traumatic day she was born as well as missing our Patricia. I might just shut down.

Heatherhah · October 2013

petunia-- I know I will be the same exact way in November when my rainbow turns one. It hurts to think that we missed the milestones with our angels and it seems to get worse with me when my rainbow does all new things. Its like Sydney is just missing so much and she should be apart of this all. Just like I know you feel the same about Peyton.

Hugs!!

Heather

Auki13 · October 2013

I am so sorry hun. It sucks. Annabelle was due a week before Lilah's birthday, so when I was pregnant I envisioned double birthday parties for my girls all the time. (My sister and I have close birthdays and always had double parties, and I loved it). Anyways... ever since losing Annabelle I have a very difficult time planning Lilah's party and both years now I have gone through the parties in a fog. I feel sooo bad that I feel like that for her birthdays, but all I can think about is how it should be a party for her AND her little sister. (((HUGS))) I totally understand and I hope that it gets easier with time...

Petunia844 · October 2013

Doublegreen said:

Petunia844 said:

Thank you. FWIW, we had a boy after our boy and we chose to give him his brother's things... it makes me smile whenever he uses them. It's sad though because he's now outgrown any clothes that were for his brother, but he still has toys/books/blankets that were for him and I love that he uses them. I feel like it's a way for them to "play together."

Bless your heart. I love to see mothers of rainbow children talk about life after the tragedy and your blog is just beautiful and uplifting!! And I'm sorry that you and all of us will have to battle two extreme feelings of emotions at our childrens birthday parties.
When I lost Warren, I felt that the only way I would feel significantly healed is the day I bring home a baby. But as I read other blogs and posts, I see that we are forever marked by our angels. I'm just looking forward to time relieving me of the frequency of my meltdowns at the moment. (I spent a few minutes in the middle of Target the other day after coming across the Halloween costume aisle)
I hope that in time, you will find that balance where you can celebrate your child's milestones and remember your angel without being overwhelmed by your emotions.

Oh, please don't misunderstand me... I DID feel significantly healed when Raylan was born, I don't want you to lose that hope. The key word though is significantly, not completely. Part of the reason the emotion at the party was SO overwhelming is because I'm not used to feeling that totally raw, angry sad anymore... I remember it very clearly, but it's not here every day. So when it does come, it's very overwhelming. I hope that makes sense.

I also feel like there was a silver lining to losing it at the party... we never had a service for Peyton so to most of these people who were there he's an idea, a person I talk about a lot but to them never existed... so I feel like seeing me like that finally made him more real to them. Nobody there didn't know I was crying for my son, not an idea of a child. If that makes sense.

a&aw12707 · October 2013

((Hugs)) I completely understand what you mean. I had this exact thought at my DD's birthday last week. Even being pregnant with my rainbow (hopefully), it still hit me out of left field that Mason should be with us. I get so used to the dull ache that when the grief hits me hard, it's startling. Hugs to you again.

Petunia844 · October 2013

a&aw12707 said:

((Hugs)) I completely understand what you mean. I had this exact thought at my DD's birthday last week. Even being pregnant with my rainbow (hopefully), it still hit me out of left field that Mason should be with us. I get so used to the dull ache that when the grief hits me hard, it's startling. Hugs to you again.

That's exactly it.

weddedwife · October 2013

Hi Petunia :-h

I understand this completely!! How you can feel a mix of emotions you heretofore thought were impossible to feel all at once. I'll probably feel just like this singing happy birthday to Violet. Wondering why we are singing to her and not Nathaniel. Feeling guilty for even thinking that. Feeling joy that she's even here at all; feeling angry and robbed of my son. In front of a room full of people who can't possibly understand.

I get it. Big hugs

weddedwife · October 2013

Petunia844 said:

a&aw12707 said:

((Hugs)) I completely understand what you mean. I had this exact thought at my DD's birthday last week. Even being pregnant with my rainbow (hopefully), it still hit me out of left field that Mason should be with us. I get so used to the dull ache that when the grief hits me hard, it's startling. Hugs to you again.

That's exactly it.

Oh yes, exactly!! So true.

Petunia844 · October 2013

weddedwife said:

Hi Petunia :-h I understand this completely!! How you can feel a mix of emotions you heretofore thought were impossible to feel all at once. I'll probably feel just like this singing happy birthday to Violet. Wondering why we are singing to her and not Nathaniel. Feeling guilty for even thinking that. Feeling joy that she's even here at all; feeling angry and robbed of my son. In front of a room full of people who can't possibly understand. I get it. Big hugs

Hi! Yes... that's it, so many conflicting emotions and guilt and sad and all those people staring at me. Ugh.

Rainbow Birthday Party (Sig warning and sensitive topic!)

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