Upset my sister thinks it's unfair I'm pregnant

Lexii2385 · October 2013

So this is my first post on here... I'm a FTM and I'm super excited. My family my SO's family are all so excited and happy for us except my sister. She is 2 years older then me and has a 4yr old daughter. When she found out I was pregnant she cried for days and said it wasn't fair. My sister miscarried about 1 1/2years ago and has been trying for about 2 months. Every time I try to talk about anything related to my pregnancy she gets a nasty attitude.. It hurts me because I'm nervous and scared about things and want to share it with her and I look to her for advice. I just wish she would be happy for me. I understand she wants to have another baby and I wish she would get pregnant quickly but I don't think it's right that she makes me feel horrible. The other day someone asked in front of me to her why she doesn't want to tell my niece yet and her response was "I don't want her to know because then il have to hear about it everyday! And I don't want to here about my sisters pregnancy everyday" that really upset me and it makes me feel horrible. I just want to share this with her and for her to just be happy for me but i don't know what to do. Had to get this out.. Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated

avidkeo · October 2013

ouch that's really hard. to me its obvious she is having a hard time dealing with her loss and the fact that she hasn't conceived again. and she may have had other losses that you dont know about.

I would say try to sit down with her non confrontational and explain that you are scared and want to be able to talk to your big sister about what you are about to go through. She will either understand, or she wont. If she continues this behavior, you just have to keep reminding yourself that she is dealing with her own issues, and it isn't personal. Big hugs to you and congratulations!

porterlove525 · October 2013

I'm sorry that your sister doesn't seem supportive. It's very difficult to understand how she may be feeling or to understand how/why she could possibly be mad or upset unless you've been in her shoes unfortunately.

Surviving a miscarriage is a very difficult thing for anyone who has to suffer through one. It can be especially hard for someone who has gone through a loss to watch anyone close to them get pregnant easily, have a baby, etc. I don't doubt that your sister doesn't love you and wouldn't be happy for you under different circumstances, but I do think you need to tread lightly with her.

Miscarriages are tough, they suck, and they rip you to pieces and it can take a very long time to get out of the angry stage of the grieving process. My guess is that your sister is still there and it has to be hard for her, especially now that she is trying again. My only advice is to take a step back, let your sister know that you love her, care about her and understand if she needs space. I don't think it's fair to be pissed at her. She will come around I'm sure, she just needs time and support.

porterlove525 · October 2013

And congrats on your pregnancy! It is an exciting time.

Lexii2385 · October 2013

Thank you! I try to be sensitive to her and not go into details about everything unless she asks. I've wanted to talk to her but I just feel like she will get nasty with me. Her comments are what really get to me. "It's not fair my sisters pregnant, I should be the pregnant one, she's not even married,etc" I understand she lost a baby and honestly if I could Change spots with her I would. Not that I don't want to have a baby or anything but I don't want her to be upset. She has always been selfish with everything in our lives and always had to one up me or have what I have. ISo sometimes I have to remind myself this is who she is...When she was pregnant both times I was the first to know and shared in everything with her even when she miscarried I was there through it all with her. I'm going to try and find a good time for us to talk and hopefully she will understand how I am feeling and maybe be able to explain to me how she is feeling and not continue to give her negative comments

Teresa1896 · October 2013

I would give her a bit of space. It's really hard to hear about babies and pregnancy when you're grieving your own loss. It doesn't mean she's not happy for you- of course she will be- but you need to give her time to get over her own feelings of sadness and grief. Try not to take it personally, because I promise it's not you.

Congrats on your pregnancy!

knotty-girl · October 2013

I think you have to detach with love on this one. You can't be co-dependent and take it personally. It sucks that you don't have her support, but she is obviously still really hurting from her m/c.

I am sure your sister IS truly happy for you but she is also feeling a little sad for herself. I think this is a normal reaction. When u was TTC (and having a hard time at it) I would get really sad/mad/distraught over people's Facebook posts. You know like thinking, "what!? She's about to deliver again? Didn't she just have a baby!!? It's not fair!"

Also when I told my one of my GFs about this pregnancy, I thought she'd be happy and excited for me. Instead she was just like, "But I thought you got your period?" Questioning it. Not exactly the reaction I'd hoped for. It irritated me, but then I realized that she was going through that happy-for-you/sad-for-myself thing. She's a 46 year old divorcee with no children who lives alone. I think she wanted to be happy for me, but it probably triggered something in her. So I realized it was about her and not me, and stopped taking it personally.

You certainly don't have to downplay your excitement and enthusiasm (and shouldn't) but try to have a little empathy, and she'll come around.

joyfullyfound · October 2013

Aw, I'm so sorry

A big sister's support and opinion really means so much, and I completely understand why it's so upsetting for you. She's obviously hurting from her past miscarriage and the anxiety of trying to conceive, which I can sympathize with, but her attitude sounds like it really sucks. She should get control over her emotions and keep them in check for your sake... her comments in particular sound pretty cruel.

I think about if I lost this pregnancy, and my sister announced she was pg shortly after..... I'd be green with envy and unable to bear anyone talking about it around me. It would be so, so painful for me. That said, she'd never know it... I make a huge effort to be excited and supportive of her.

For now, I think you just need to give your sister space, and don't bring up your pregnancy unless she brings it up. It doesn't sound like talking about it with her is doing you any favors anyways. She needs some time. And, you know, once she conceives she'll feel a whole lot better about everything, so hopefully that happens soon. Otherwise, she'll come around in time.

deidremaria · October 2013

I'm so sorry for your sister's loss. I can totally get that TTC can be hard sometimes but that's no reason to blatantly he unhappy for your little sister. She was able to make her daughter so she should at least be happy for that. I mean some people never have children on their own. She can try different fertility methods (If she isn't already) but I think its kinda mean and selfish of her. She should be happy for you and share this experience with you. I understand its hard for her but you shouldn't have to put your reproductive endeavors on hold until she conceives. I really hope she comes around and also that she conceives.

sueann911 · October 2013

deidremaria said:
I'm so sorry for your sister's loss. I can totally get that TTC can be hard sometimes but that's no reason to blatantly he unhappy for your little sister. She was able to make her daughter so she should at least be happy for that. I mean some people never have children on their own. She can try different fertility methods (If she isn't already) but I think its kinda mean and selfish of her. She should be happy for you and share this experience with you. I understand its hard for her but you shouldn't have to put your reproductive endeavors on hold until she conceives. I really hope she comes around and also that she conceives.

Until you have ever been through infertility or a miscarriage, I suggest you never ever talk about how another person reacts or feels with it.

The grief of infertility and MC is just that. It is grief. You can't turn if off and it can sneak up on you at any moment. You think she has been TTC for 2 months but I would almost promise that she's been trying for longer. Even still, she still has that loss on her mind. Because I promise you she is thinking if she ever does get a BFP again that she will be terrified of another MC.

If you want support you need to find it somewhere else. You may be able to talk to her, but I would bet that she already feels guilty for not being completely happy for you. The jealousy of others when you're dealing with IF or MC is overwhelming. And honestly, I have felt the exact same feelings that she is expressing. When I would see a pregnant teenager of or know of unmarried friends who were pregnant, I felt the same way. "Why is that person who didn't want that child pregnant, when it is all I want in this world?"

It's a natural feeling and if you talk to her about it, don't expect her to change her ways. I wouldn't have.

It's something she has to deal with. It's not your issue. It's hers.

There is nothing more painful than someone who didn't want a child to have an unplanned pregnancy and then want to talk to someone with IF, TTC for a while or someone who has dealt with a MC.

To the previous posters who said she was acting like a bitch, I would say if you've never been through IF, fertility treatments, MC, etc, then you have no idea about the mental anguish that it includes. Please don't ever try to belittle their feelings. To an outsider you look at them and their fertility treatments and you think well they will automatically get a BFP. That's completely opposite of what happens.

sueann911 · October 2013

deidremaria said:
I mean some people never have children on their own. She can try different fertility methods (If she isn't already) but I think its kinda mean and selfish of her. She should be happy for you and share this experience with you. I understand its hard for her but you shouldn't have to put your reproductive endeavors on hold until she conceives.

Another thing, some people don't have children and a lot of that is not their choice. They would give everything to be pregnant, but for some it will never happen. Fertility treatments are not always the answer and please don't belittle them by thinking it is a fool proof way to get a BFP. Financial infertility and secondary infertility are real issues. Dont even mention that adoption is the next option. It is not always an option and it should never be seen as a catch all method to having a child.

ETA: Just because she has one child, it does not erase the desire to grow your family. Your comments are asinine and ignorant.

Teresa1896 · October 2013

deidremaria said:
She was able to make her daughter so she should at least be happy for that. I mean some people never have children on their own. She can try different fertility methods (If she isn't already) but I think its kinda mean and selfish of her. She should be happy for you and share this experience

Please, for the love of sweet baby Santa, do not ever say any of this to someone who's had a loss. Ever.

She is not being mean. Or selfish. She's grieving, and every mention of her sister's baby is just rubbing salt (unintentionally of course) in her sister's wound. The whole situation sucks, but a bit of empathy and compassion goes a long way.

closer2home · October 2013

I am in a similar boat. My younger sister is 25 and single and desperately wants to get married and start a family. Ever since announcing our pregnancy she's acted like a huge brat and has an ongoing meltdown about how she feels lonely and left behind.

I have mixed feelings about it. I totally understand her perspective and want those things for her too, but her reaction stung. Why can't she set those feelings aside and be supportive? No one is trying to ruin her life.

That said, our relationship means a lot so I am doing my part to make time for her and let her take the lead on any baby talk. Like PP suggested I've found other places of support to draw from until she comes around, and she will.

Your sister will too, no doubt. Happy thoughts to you both and congrats!

deidremaria · October 2013

sueann911 said:

deidremaria said:
I'm so sorry for your sister's loss. I can totally get that TTC can be hard sometimes but that's no reason to blatantly he unhappy for your little sister. She was able to make her daughter so she should at least be happy for that. I mean some people never have children on their own. She can try different fertility methods (If she isn't already) but I think its kinda mean and selfish of her. She should be happy for you and share this experience with you. I understand its hard for her but you shouldn't have to put your reproductive endeavors on hold until she conceives. I really hope she comes around and also that she conceives.

Until you have ever been through infertility or a miscarriage, I suggest you never ever talk about how another person reacts or feels with it.

The grief of infertility and MC is just that. It is grief. You can't turn if off and it can sneak up on you at any moment. You think she has been TTC for 2 months but I would almost promise that she's been trying for longer. Even still, she still has that loss on her mind. Because I promise you she is thinking if she ever does get a BFP again that she will be terrified of another MC.

If you want support you need to find it somewhere else. You may be able to talk to her, but I would bet that she already feels guilty for not being completely happy for you. The jealousy of others when you're dealing with IF or MC is overwhelming. And honestly, I have felt the exact same feelings that she is expressing. When I would see a pregnant teenager of or know of unmarried friends who were pregnant, I felt the same way. "Why is that person who didn't want that child pregnant, when it is all I want in this world?"

It's a natural feeling and if you talk to her about it, don't expect her to change her ways. I wouldn't have.

It's something she has to deal with. It's not your issue. It's hers.

There is nothing more painful than someone who didn't want a child to have an unplanned pregnancy and then want to talk to someone with IF, TTC for a while or someone who has dealt with a MC.

To the previous posters who said she was acting like a bitch, I would say if you've never been through IF, fertility treatments, MC, etc, then you have no idea about the mental anguish that it includes. Please don't ever try to belittle their feelings. To an outsider you look at them and their fertility treatments and you think well they will automatically get a BFP. That's completely opposite of what happens.

My mother has had infertility issues and loss and I grew up right next to her struggling with. She lost my baby sister when she was 7 months pregnant. I know it is extremely painful and difficult for a woman to lose a baby but i just think that it's not ok for any woman who loses a baby to make a woman who hasn't feel like they are wrong for being pregnant. I never try to downplay a woman's loss but I honestly think that everyone deserves sensitivity, not just people who experience infertility and loss. I am incredibly sensitive to women who experience loss and totally get that grieving is different for everyone but at the end of the day my biggest belief is fairness and I do NOT believe that a woman who does not have trouble conceiving should be treated like they've done something wrong when they get pregnant. I'm so sorry if any of my comments offend anyone about this issue but I do believe I have a right to feel however I want about any issue. Again I am not trying to downplay anyone's struggles.

moonsparkles · October 2013

I agree with the above poster. Totally agree. The right thing to do, even if you aren't happy for someone else who is pregnant, or are jealous for whatever understandable reason, the right thing to do is to pretend to be happy for them.

deidremaria · October 2013

sueann911 said:

deidremaria said:
I mean some people never have children on their own. She can try different fertility methods (If she isn't already) but I think its kinda mean and selfish of her. She should be happy for you and share this experience with you. I understand its hard for her but you shouldn't have to put your reproductive endeavors on hold until she conceives.

Another thing, some people don't have children and a lot of that is not their choice. They would give everything to be pregnant, but for some it will never happen. Fertility treatments are not always the answer and please don't belittle them by thinking it is a fool proof way to get a BFP. Financial infertility and secondary infertility are real issues. Dont even mention that adoption is the next option. It is not always an option and it should never be seen as a catch all method to having a child.

ETA: Just because she has one child, it does not erase the desire to grow your family. Your comments are asinine and ignorant.

I think you guys are taking my thoughts the wrong way. I'm not trying to be insensitive toward the OP's sister but I think that counting your blessings sometimes can help. I know that already having one child may not be enough for some, I get that it doesn't mean she shouldn't want to expand her family but if she has no other options (as hard as it is) there has to be a point where coping comes in and she counts her blessings. I really don't mean any of this in an insensitive way.

moonsparkles · October 2013

I took it the way you meant it.

deidremaria · October 2013

sakm said:
I agree with the above poster. Totally agree. The right thing to do, even if you aren't happy for someone else who is pregnant, or are jealous for whatever understandable reason, the right thing to do is to pretend to be happy for them.

To be perfectly honest, if it were my sister and I I'd tell her that I know she's struggling with it and to take all the space she needs from me until she can embrace my pregnancy. But I would honestly distance myself from the whole situation rather than have her around me pretending to be happy because she'll have lots of bottled up feelings.

ohbaby4 · October 2013

My sister got pregnant as soon as she started trying, right in the middle of my infertility issues and multiple miscarriages. It hurt and I cried about it often when I was by myself or with my husband, but I was nothing but supportive and happy for her when I was around her and the rest of my family. IMO I think your sister should be supportive of you and your happiness, but if she's not there yet, I would suggest not talking pregnancy with her. She probably still needs some time to deal with the fact that you are pregnant and she's not. Like others said, I think you should find other people to share in your pregnancy happiness, and just be there for her during her grieving time.

deidremaria · October 2013

lia619 said:
This is probably a UO but I can definitely see the point with it being hurtful to the pregnant person. It hurts when a sister cannot be there to support or even seem interested when you were/are there for her. I would never downplay or dismiss the feelings of someone who has dealt with or is dealing with IF or a loss, but that does not mean it doesn't hurt the other person.

With my sister, I told her and she didn't have any reaction. It hurt. I didn't want to tell her because we are so close and I knew she was having trouble trying to conceive and I didn't want to hurt her. Now, she is also pregnant (yay!), but she expects me to be there when she wasn't for me. It's hard and a bit awkward. I try to put it past me but it's like my pregnancy doesn't matter to her. It's difficult to constantly be the support but not getting anything in return.

I'm sorry

moonsparkles · October 2013

deidremaria said: I agree with the above poster. Totally agree. The right thing to do, even if you aren't happy for someone else who is pregnant, or are jealous for whatever understandable reason, the right thing to do is to pretend to be happy for them. To be perfectly honest, if it were my sister and I I'd tell her that I know she's struggling with it and to take all the space she needs from me until she can embrace my pregnancy. But I would honestly distance myself from the whole situation rather than have her around me pretending to be happy because she'll have lots of bottled up feelings. I agree with you. I would distance myself also, if my sister was acting like that. The poster below you seemed to have it right. But I agree that the best course of action for the starter of this thread would be to not talk pregnancy with her sister.

deidremaria · October 2013

sakm said:

deidremaria said:

sakm said:
I agree with the above poster. Totally agree. The right thing to do, even if you aren't happy for someone else who is pregnant, or are jealous for whatever understandable reason, the right thing to do is to pretend to be happy for them.
To be perfectly honest, if it were my sister and I I'd tell her that I know she's struggling with it and to take all the space she needs from me until she can embrace my pregnancy. But I would honestly distance myself from the whole situation rather than have her around me pretending to be happy because she'll have lots of bottled up feelings.

I agree with you. I would distance myself also, if my sister was acting like that. The poster below you seemed to have it right. But I agree that the best course of action for the starter of this thread would be to not talk pregnancy with her sister.

I agree that it's the best course of action too but it still doesn't make it fair for everyone. The OP may be able to find support from other people but she may also be hurt by the fact that she might really want support from her sister. She may want some pregnancy advice from her sister that she can't get because of the loss.

sueann911 · October 2013

deidremaria said:
I can totally get that TTC can be hard sometimes but that's no reason to blatantly he unhappy for your little sister. She was able to make her daughter so she should at least be happy for that. I mean some people never have children on their own.

There is no getting around that your original statement is asinine and ignorant. There is no other way to take this comment if you have ever dealt with IF, MC etc. Like I said before, unless you personally have dealt with it, then you have no fucking clue, even if you were around someone else as close as your mother experiencing IF.

You're belittling her struggles and MC by saying her other child should make up for the pain of not having other children or losing a child by MC.

Basically you're saying that she needs to cope with it and be positive. So in other words, you're telling her to get over her grief, loss and pain.

Rrrrrachel · October 2013

Op I'm really sorry I'm sure that's disappointing and hurtful

. I'm not sure there's anything you can do other than give her space to figure her feelings out.

deidremaria · October 2013

sueann911 said:

I can totally get that TTC can be hard sometimes but that's no reason to blatantly he unhappy for your little sister. She was able to make her daughter so she should at least be happy for that. I mean some people never have children on their own.
There is no getting around that your original statement is asinine and ignorant. There is no other way to take this comment if you have ever dealt with IF, MC etc. Like I said before, unless you personally have dealt with it, then you have no fucking clue, even if you were around someone else as close as your mother experiencing IF. You're belittling her struggles and MC by saying her other child should make up for the pain of not having other children or losing a child by MC. Basically you're saying that she needs to cope with it and be positive. So in other words, you're telling her to get over her grief, loss and pain.

As insensitive as it may seem, coping is one of the steps of grieving. I am in no way trying to get around anything that I've said. I know that grieving is different for everyone but at some point coping has to happen. If you never cope you have sadness in you forever. My mother coped. That baby was not her only loss. she lost my baby brother 11 years before that and another baby in between. She coped. She never made other women feel bad for being pregnant, she eventually coped. Call me what you like, curse me out as much as you want but coping has to happen. That is not downplaying someone's struggle.

Rrrrrachel · October 2013

Free advice: the phrase "she should at least be happy for that" is one you should avoid. HTH!

deidremaria · October 2013

Rrrrrachel said:

Free advice: the phrase "she should at least be happy for that" is one you should avoid. HTH!

You're right. I should have used different words.

sueann911 · October 2013

deidremaria said:

Rrrrrachel said:

Free advice: the phrase "she should at least be happy for that" is one you should avoid. HTH!

You're right. I should have used different words.

-----
Yes, your words should have been completely different. I suggest something less insensitive and more insightful.

deidremaria · October 2013

sueann911 said:

Rrrrrachel said:

Free advice: the phrase "she should at least be happy for that" is one you should avoid. HTH!

You're right. I should have used different words.
----- Yes, your words should have been completely different. I suggest something less insensitive and more insightful.

I get it, you find me to be an insensitive bitch. But my opinion isn't changing.

sueann911 · October 2013

deidremaria said:

sueann911 said:

deidremaria said:

Rrrrrachel said:

Free advice: the phrase "she should at least be happy for that" is one you should avoid. HTH!

You're right. I should have used different words.

-----
Yes, your words should have been completely different. I suggest something less insensitive and more insightful.

I get it, you find me to be an insensitive bitch. But my opinion isn't changing.

No. My opinion is you're ignorant and you have no fucking clue how insensitive your comments are. Go tell your mom that she should have just been happy with only you as a child and she should have gotten over her other losses and put on a happy face when she was sad. I hope she smacks some sense into you.

I hope you never have a loss or ever struggle to get pregnant again. It's one of the worst things ever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

deidremaria · October 2013

No. My opinion is you're ignorant and you have no fucking clue how insensitive your comments are. Go tell your mom that she should have just been happy with only you as a child and she should have gotten over her other losses and put on a happy face when she was sad. I hope she smacks some sense into you. I hope you never have a loss or ever struggle to get pregnant again. It's one of the worst things ever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I never felt like I was forgotten about because at some point rather than be miserable for the rest of her life and try to make everyone else around her miserable my mother didn't get over it and paint a FAKE smile on her face, she coped, counted her blessings and stopped being a sour puss. How long do you have to grieve before you realize that before a loss you had a life and after a loss you should continue to live your life at some point? You're being just as ignorant as me you drama queen. My mom's losses were years ago and guess what, she was able to stop being jealous of the rest of the world, be supportive and live with what was presented to her. SHE COULDN'T MAKE ANYMORE CHILDREN! Oh and for the record, I have experienced a loss, I just don't go around using it as an excuse to be un-supportive and I don't go around broadcasting it because everyone grieves differently. I simply thank God everyday that I am pregnant now!

J&NL · October 2013

deidremaria said:

No. My opinion is you're ignorant and you have no fucking clue how insensitive your comments are. Go tell your mom that she should have just been happy with only you as a child and she should have gotten over her other losses and put on a happy face when she was sad. I hope she smacks some sense into you. I hope you never have a loss or ever struggle to get pregnant again. It's one of the worst things ever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I never felt like I was forgotten about because at some point rather than be miserable for the rest of her life and try to make everyone else around her miserable my mother didn't get over it and paint a FAKE smile on her face, she coped, counted her blessings and stopped being a sour puss. How long do you have to grieve before you realize that before a loss you had a life and after a loss you should continue to live your life at some point? You're being just as ignorant as me you drama queen. My mom's losses were years ago and guess what, she was able to stop being jealous of the rest of the world, be supportive and live with what was presented to her. SHE COULDN'T MAKE ANYMORE CHILDREN! Oh and for the record, I have experienced a loss, I just don't go around using it as an excuse to be un-supportive and I don't go around broadcasting it because everyone grieves differently. I simply thank God everyday that I am pregnant now!

Okay, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt at first but this is very insensitive to say. You don't put a time line on grieving.

deidremaria · October 2013

J&NL said:

deidremaria said:

No. My opinion is you're ignorant and you have no fucking clue how insensitive your comments are. Go tell your mom that she should have just been happy with only you as a child and she should have gotten over her other losses and put on a happy face when she was sad. I hope she smacks some sense into you. I hope you never have a loss or ever struggle to get pregnant again. It's one of the worst things ever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I never felt like I was forgotten about because at some point rather than be miserable for the rest of her life and try to make everyone else around her miserable my mother didn't get over it and paint a FAKE smile on her face, she coped, counted her blessings and stopped being a sour puss. How long do you have to grieve before you realize that before a loss you had a life and after a loss you should continue to live your life at some point? You're being just as ignorant as me you drama queen. My mom's losses were years ago and guess what, she was able to stop being jealous of the rest of the world, be supportive and live with what was presented to her. SHE COULDN'T MAKE ANYMORE CHILDREN! Oh and for the record, I have experienced a loss, I just don't go around using it as an excuse to be un-supportive and I don't go around broadcasting it because everyone grieves differently. I simply thank God everyday that I am pregnant now!

Okay, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt at first but this is very insensitive to say. You don't put a time line on grieving.

I never put a timeline on grieving. I said at some point coping has to happen. Just because someone has coped does not mean that they stopped loving the person they're grieving. I know it may not be a good analogy but lets look at losing a grandparent that you are close with. You may grieve for a long time or a short period of time. But there comes a point where you accept the loss and remember your grandparent for all of the good times. You don't stop feeling bad that you lost your grandparent. You just accept it. I know it isn't the same for miscarriage. I'm just trying to explain my opinion. At some point during the grieving process you cope and accept your loss. It happens sooner for some and later for others but holding on to a loss isn't healthy.

Rrrrrachel · October 2013

Stop digging.

twinklemoon · October 2013

Sorry to hear she is not supportive at this time. (Notice I said at this time) she will come around eventually. I know that it may be hard for you to not be able to share the updates of your pregnancy, but for now that's what you'll need to do. But at least you got to vent on this board for now.

I know I would have. We as human beings can't control other peoples emotions but we sure can try to control our selves and do just that. Try not to take it personal ( I know easier said than done) but it's the best you can do. Another thing is ( now this is tricky) call her out on it. Tell her how you feel. Were you there to support her when she had her MC? Remind her of it. It is not like you are throwing it in her face that you were but simply a reminder. Sometimes we forget what others do for us. And when we are reminded, we snap out of it and realize we have been total jerks/inconsiderate/etc. tell her your intentions are not to rub it in her face. See what happens.

nicole mackenzie · October 2013

My sister has wanted children forever. She planned on getting pregnant right after her wedding. Unfortunately the marriage was not meant to be.

And now her little sister is pregnant.

I told her separate ( and first ) from the rest of my family because I knew it would be painful for her. No she isn't grieving the loss of a child but grieving the loss of the dream to be a mother. ( at least for the forseable future)

I'm giving her space and not really talking about it with her. I know she's happy for me, but I also know that it probably hurts. Especially knowing my brother is TTC now too.

Add in the pain of miscarriage and I'm sure OP's sister is beside herself.

Give her time and space and hopefully she will come to a point where she is able to share in your happiness.

JulianneJacks · October 2013

OP- I am sorry you are in this situation. As other posters have mentioned your sister is grieving. Although she is hurting you I would try to take the upper road and support her as much as you can. This may be by giving her space.

However, if she keeps making comments about how you don't deserve to be pregnant as much as she does because you aren't married I think you have every right to tell her that while you understand she is grieving she is WAY out of line. I would also mention that you hope she will be able to get over the fact that you aren't married and love her niece or nephew as much as she would had you been married when you conceived.

JulianneJacks · October 2013

nicole mackenzie said:
My sister has wanted children forever. She planned on getting pregnant right after her wedding. Unfortunately the marriage was not meant to be.

And now her little sister is pregnant.

I told her separate ( and first ) from the rest of my family because I knew it would be painful for her. No she isn't grieving the loss of a child but grieving the loss of the dream to be a mother. ( at least for the forseable future)

I just wanted to say that you are so awesome for being so thoughtful about how your sister is feeling.

thomas930 · October 2013

deidremaria said:

J&NL said:

deidremaria said:

No. My opinion is you're ignorant and you have no fucking clue how insensitive your comments are. Go tell your mom that she should have just been happy with only you as a child and she should have gotten over her other losses and put on a happy face when she was sad. I hope she smacks some sense into you.

I hope you never have a loss or ever struggle to get pregnant again. It's one of the worst things ever and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I never felt like I was forgotten about because at some point rather than be miserable for the rest of her life and try to make everyone else around her miserable my mother didn't get over it and paint a FAKE smile on her face, she coped, counted her blessings and stopped being a sour puss. How long do you have to grieve before you realize that before a loss you had a life and after a loss you should continue to live your life at some point? You're being just as ignorant as me you drama queen. My mom's losses were years ago and guess what, she was able to stop being jealous of the rest of the world, be supportive and live with what was presented to her. SHE COULDN'T MAKE ANYMORE CHILDREN! Oh and for the record, I have experienced a loss, I just don't go around using it as an excuse to be un-supportive and I don't go around broadcasting it because everyone grieves differently. I simply thank God everyday that I am pregnant now!

Okay, I was giving you the benefit of the doubt at first but this is very insensitive to say. You don't put a time line on grieving.

I never put a timeline on grieving. I said at some point coping has to happen. Just because someone has coped does not mean that they stopped loving the person they're grieving. I know it may not be a good analogy but lets look at losing a grandparent that you are close with. You may grieve for a long time or a short period of time. But there comes a point where you accept the loss and remember your grandparent for all of the good times. You don't stop feeling bad that you lost your grandparent. You just accept it. I know it isn't the same for miscarriage. I'm just trying to explain my opinion. At some point during the grieving process you cope and accept your loss. It happens sooner for some and later for others but holding on to a loss isn't healthy.

---------------
So, according to you, 18 months is a long time and she should just get over it. Because that's pretty much what you keep saying.

You claim that you aren't putting a time line on grieving, but you are. A close friend or family member getting pregnant when you are going through something like this can actually set back your progress in the acceptance phase of grieving, but that doesn't mean that she wont be happy for her sister in time. She probably just needs a little space.

Edit for formatting. I'm mobile quote screwed up

cnk459 · October 2013

I'm sorry your excitement is being dampened by your sisters attitude. I'm sure that's pretty hurtful, and also, unfair to YOU. I hope she comes around and can be there for you, or at minimum, keeps her hurtful, snide comments to herself.

I mean really, if you can't say something nice, then just say nothing other than congratulations.

I also read your follow up post (which others seem to have missed), where you say this is a long term pattern of behavior between you and your sister. That basically tells me that she has a selfish streak, and/or is highly competitve with you, and this situation is bringing that out in her.

FWIW: IMO.. her previous loss and/or her currently TTC, do NOT give her a "free pass" to be a bitch to her sister. The comments you describe are just simply bitchy, hurtful comments and 100% uncalled for. Just because you are still in a grief process does NOT mean you get to trample on everyone around you. That is just wrong.

A better response from her should have been something like "wow.. I'm a bit surprised by your pregnancy, but, please know, I'm still struggling with my loss and trying to get pregnant, so I need a little space to process this". But I love you and I really hope your pregnancy goes well.

Why would that be so difficult? It wouldn't to be if that individual had the ability to think about others feelings as well as their own. I'm sorry, but she seems incredibly selfish and thoughtless.

I would put some distance (especially with any discussion relating to your pregnancy). YOU ARE pregnant, and you shouldn't have to deal with that unnecessary stress/anxiety.

(and before anyone attacks ME... I have had 5 "late term" losses so I know how painful it is, and the fear/anxiety when you TTC again!! I GET how hard it is to go through a m/c.... however, that does NOT give you the right to be a hateful witch to the people who love you!! It's not a "pass" for bad behavior!!!)

At minimum, it is not too much to ask for her to cut out the snide & intentionally hurtful remarks. If she can't, then she shouldn't say anything about it at all. Tearing down her sister and her pregnancy is NOT going to be the solution for the issues SHE is experencing in her TTC journey!!!

Avion22 · October 2013

It's not just a "timeline on grieving." Remember that grief isn't a straight line, it's a roller coaster. Some people cope well much of the time, especially as time goes on, but certain things (triggers) bring that loss right back to the forefront. Anniversaries are a big one for me. They always bring the loss right back to the front of my mind. With miscarriages there are loss dates, due dates, milestones....it can be really hard. Just like for a loved one's death you grieve their loss date, birthdate, and other special memories. For someone dealing with infertility, it can seem like every period brings a sense of loss and failure.

OP, it's possible that your sister is dealing with loss anniversaries, due dates, stuff like that that just makes it harder for her to deal with your pregnancy. I agree that she has said some hurtful things, which isn't really cool, but the best thing you can do for her and for yourself right now is to tell her that you love her and care about her, and know she loves you too, so you want to give her some space right now.

Grief of any kind can be so very difficult.

Upset my sister thinks it's unfair I'm pregnant

Re: Upset my sister thinks it's unfair I'm pregnant

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