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Blended Families
Ilumine
member
Just when I think BM is out of our lives....
Ilumine
member
So a little background for the newbies: When my DH and BM divorced, DH got residential custody of SD and BM got residential custody or SS and they BOTH HAD LEGAL CUSTODY when it came to the usual things like medical, religious, educational etc decisions. There was even a clause that stated that residential custody could be changed with the agreement of the two parents.
BECAUSE DH was a product of divorce and because he was military, overseas and had seen crappy military divorces he was VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY clear about how the CO was written up in regards to visitations.
They alternated who had the children by school vacations. SO odd years DH gets Christmas and the first part of the summer and BM gets Thanksgiving, Spring Break and the second part of the summer. The receiving parent was to pay or drive the transpiration for their holiday. So on odd years, DH would only have to pay for getting SS for Christmas and the Summer and BM would have to pay to get SD on T-day, SPring Break and her Summer.
SD graduated from high school and went off to college in 2006, so she no longer falls under the CO.
In 2008, BM sent SS to live with us. She could no longer control him. When we first got him, DH did NOT change the CO, which just needed BM to send some notarized form into the State. Even when BM called him up in a panic the first time she did not get his DFAS allotment for CS (even today, I am not sure how he stopped the allotment without an official piece of paper) and bitched him out about that and the extra check he sent to pay for SS's internet/cable, he did not do anything.
But when we got our orders for Germany the next year, I FORCED HIM to get it done. BM waffled a bit, but after having SS for the summer outburst or two she happily signed off the switch in residential custody without every asking for any type of change in the visitation portion.
Now the first summer comes along and even though it is BM's responsibility for paying for SS to fly home, his therapist and our marriage counselor thought it would be a very good idea to have him go back to see what life would be like living with his mother (that was always SS's threat and DH would always coddle the kid instead of just ignoring it or following through and sending his ass back). DH was very very very clear with BM that he would pay for the summer visitation because they were no longer alternating children and he wanted to be fair, but that he was not going to pay for anything else. We still have the emails.
So when the next Christmas rolled around (an even year), he did not buy the ticket. Not only was it NOT his responsibility to under the CO, not only was it morally it was not the right thing to do, but our finances just could NOT handle an almost $3000 ticket when we just spent $1500 for the summer trip and would be spending another $1500 to send him back in the summer.
And yes, BM threw a fit while on the phone with SS. This was the first time DH ever was open and honest with SS about the CO, CS and the strained relationship with BM. He laid it all out to SS = that the CO stated that it was up to BM to pay for transportation, but since we were overseas we paid for the summer trip and that Christmas was on her, that DH TOLD HER THAT before the summer trip and that if SHE did not save the money up (that is always her excuse, except she always has money for things for herself, like time shares and cruises and new cars) that was on her.
IN the end she never once paid a cent to have SS fly back to visit her for any of her visitations - she missed two christmases, T-days (and overseas they got the whole week) and springbreaks.
FF to last night. SS comes out and asks DH if he can take the car to his mothers for T-day AND Christmas. SS said "well she told me that she gets two Christmases to make up for Germany.
My FFC - I lit into SS even before DH could inhale a breath to speak. I said something along the lines of "Seriously? You DO know that your father and I never KEPT you from her, but that she CHOOSE not to exercise her visitations, RIGHT? Because when SHE gave you up, not once but twice there was going to be some trade-offs and one of them being the transportation of your ass. And since she didn't save the Child Support she was supposed to pay us for YOU and still doesn't pay, then that is on HER. But she is not OWED anything. If ANYTHING, she owes US $200 a month for the last 5 years and the cost of the three international plane tickets."
My really FFC "You will be 18 in couple of weeks. So we really cannot stop you from seeing her. But we can and will not enable you. SO no you cannot use the car to drive up there. If she wants you on "our" (I did really exaggerated ringer quotes) Christmas, then let her come and get you. But I am betting dollar for donuts (I love that phrase) that she won't drive to pick you up because it will cost her TOO much in gas. Because that $100 dollars is SOOOO much money compared to our THOUSANDS."
I know I was harsh. ANd to be honest, part of me really just wants to send him up there since my holiday is already going to be sucky because we are stuck here and I just do not want to tempt fate that he is going to make it worse with a temper tantrum.
But this is where he gets his attitude about life. BM is an entitled bitch and DH was so worried about not trashing her, he let himself and the real world get trashed. Not gonna do it anymore.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Just when I think BM is out of our lives....
I mean Jesus. I know your SS is a problem but you lit into him for just relaying something BM said? He wasn't even being an asshole this time 8-|
I'm in the minority here, but good for you for letting him have it. I agree with PP that maybe you could have phrased it a bit more diplomatically, but we all slip up once in awhile.
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In my situation my older SK's can see through BM trying to play one parent against the other. DH and BM's situation is a lot different too.. the one I never vent about bc she never sees her kids or calls them anyways.
My mom just went through something similar with my youngest 1/2 sibling and his BD. BD wants nothing to do with him unless it's convenient for BD or my mom pays him (BD). Youngest sibling is 15 and he now knows how it really is.
I can't imagine how frustrating it could be with that distance. I guess my point is, I'm in between. Does SS just go there and believe everything BM says and just give you guys hell the whole time he is home? I would just think that at that age he could see through the BS.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
and who exactly am I? Lol
Lol a regular popular poster
You screwed up this time but like I said we all do. And yeah it sucks to be the person doing all the work and the other person being put on a pedestal. I rember how excited SD would get when her Mom would send her a package in high school with little kid food-type lip glosses and teen beat-type magazines and a $5 gift card to Starbucks all things that were age innapropriate and SD would not use and she would be so grateful because her Mom did not have the money! Hey, in the 6 years she lived with us her Mom did pay for HALF of one winter coat! It sucks!
*** siggy warning- losses mentioned- everyone welcome *****
Me: 36
DH: 42 (w/ 2 children from prior marriage)
Us: TTC for our 1st together since August 2013
1st BFP: November 2013 (m/c at 7 wks)
2nd BFP: February 2014 (m/c at 6 wks)
RPL Panel started in March 2014
3rd BFP: May 2014 (m/c at 5 wks)
4th BFP: June 2014 (CP at 4 wks)
RE appt in June 2014 (all RPL panel tests are normal...it's likely egg quality due to my age and borderline DOR)
Baseline AFC: 8 follies
2 IUI cycles (July and August 2014- both BFN)
IVF #1 w/ ICSI & PGS- October 2014 (AFC: 8 follies; ER Oct 20: 5R/3M/2F; the 2 only made it to day 3 and stopped growing before biopsy)
key supplements: DHEA (25mg- 3x/day); CoQ10 (300 mg/day) ISWTE believer here!
IVF #2 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS- AFC: 13 follies! 10R/6M/6F- 5 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET scheduled for February 2015 delayed in order to do one more ER in hopes of getting at least 1 more normal embryo
IVF #3 EPP w/ ICSI & PGS: 7R/5M/5F- 2 biopsied for PGS- 1 normal embryo
FET #1 April 23, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred - BFN
FET #2 June 30, 2015: 1 PGS tested embryo transferred- BFP!!
And while I think a lot of the way you do things is too planned by the book (can't think of a clearer way to say it), I get it that that is who you are, and I think overall you generally have tried to do what is best for SS. And I'm glad you have seen that your feelings towards yH at whatever time can influence your actions toward SS. Because likewise, I am sure that tensions between you and yH also affect the way SS acts toward you.
I also am glad to read that you all aren't just mean to eachother. Lol. I would love to know more about your trips to the beach and water gun fights. Because sometimes we/I get the wrong idea that your life is nothing but screaming, yelling, and ultimatums.
FWIW, I think that SS adding about the car ahead of time is actually a positive. For one, he was taking some initiative and he was planning it out. All of which are things you have tried to teach him. Oh, and he asked instead of assuming our demanding. Look at the positives.
And I will restate it that people will still call the regulars out but people are always going to be nicer to people they "know". And also nicer because no matter what one of the oldies say we will know they are not MUD or a troll so I think it makes people word themself nicer. This is probably the harshest I ever remember people being to you exceptions two specific posters from the past that had issues with anyone with problem situations but if I newbie posted this the comments would have be ruder.