I'm going to give up

despmama · September 2013

DS is a terrible baby. Always has been. He won't sleep- he's up 4 to 7 times a night and I'm the only one who can comfort him. He cries all the time and is never happy. If I'm home I spend easily half my time comforting him. He is nearly 5 month old. His percentiles are in the high 80s.
I ebf and I want to quit. I need a break. I cannot pump at home because he is so needy and I truly feel like I'm the only one dedicated to bfing him. Daycare and H are being unsuportive.
I have the opportunity to take a job that will increase my home time and I don't think I can take it, because I can't deal with him. I feel like a terrible mother because I don't really want to spend time with him. My house is constantly a mess and I'm lucky to get meal cooked without him melting down.
I'm stressed, but definitely not depressed. I love my baby, but he's taking everything I have.

LisaLisa1980 · September 2013

First, I'm very sorry this is happening to you. That must be so hard!

Can you get outside help?

What have you tried? What are his interests? Does music calm him? Is he a vocal or more active baby? Do you take him out to socialize? Walks??
Is he colic? What does the dr say?

despmama · September 2013

He's super active. Nothing calms him consistently, except feeding, and that doesn't always work. I wear him, we've gone to the chiro, we go outside. Music works sometimes.

The doctor said colic, and told us at his 4 month to start ferber. Which I'm not a fan of, but I've tried it and it doesn't work.

pinottoparenthood · September 2013

If you need to,stop breastfeeding, stop! You have done it for five months and that is awesome. You need to take care of yourself, and it sounds like you need more support, which you could get if others could help with feedings. It doesn't make you selfish or a bad mom to meet your own needs as well as those of your baby. Don't feel guilty. Do what you need to so that you can be a happy and healthy mom! Your baby will be completely fine.

EmilyStL · September 2013

Have you tried any dietary eliminations? I had a friend with a baby like this and it turned out she had major food sensitivities.

despmama · September 2013

What did your friend eliminate? I'm mostly lactose intolerant (severely limiting my intake) what is next?

jlpev · September 2013

I also ebf and its exhausting sometimes. I'm not familiar with Ferber method but if your Dr suggested it then it might be worth trying again.
I do ebf except dh does give her formula once every couple days. It gives me a break. I dont have time to pump,feed and entertain my 2.5 year old DS.
However to get DD to take a bottle I had to feed her a bottle all day until she got it.
Do what works for u. Happy Momma, happy baby!

jlpev · September 2013

Have u tried placing the baby in the carseat on top the dryer or washer? Sometimes that helps colicky babies. Have they checked for reflux?

despmama · September 2013

Been there, done that

I've researched reflux, and no one seems to think its possible for him. He was spitty at one point, but isn't any more. And he's gaining like crazy.

singingmama13 · September 2013

I'm so sorry you're going through that!!!

My daughter has reflux! She vomits a LOT! BUT.. there is such a thing as silent reflux where they don't throw up, but they ARE in pain. I don't know.. maybe you might want to look into that if you think he might have reflux? That could be the reason he is so fussy and can't sleep.

Also, I agree with other mamas.. you shouldn't feel guilty if you stop BF. You have given him a great start in life by BF as long as you have.

I think if it's causing you this much stress, so much so that you'd rather not spend as much time at home with your baby.. that maybe you should try formula? Happy mom = happier baby I think!! You need to take care of you, in order to take care of him. He'll be fine on formula and you could definitely reclaim some of your life back!!

Whatever you choose to do, will be the right thing i'm sure!!! Good luck!

candlequeen · September 2013

jlpev said:
I also ebf and its exhausting sometimes. I'm not familiar with Ferber method but if your Dr suggested it then it might be worth trying again.
I do ebf except dh does give her formula once every couple days. It gives me a break. I dont have time to pump,feed and entertain my 2.5 year old DS.
However to get DD to take a bottle I had to feed her a bottle all day until she got it.
Do what works for u. Happy Momma, happy baby!

EBF means a baby gets mommy's milk and nothing else. If your DH gives your baby formula, then you aren't exclusively breastfeeding. Sorry hun

EmilyStL · September 2013

despmama said:

What did your friend eliminate? I'm mostly lactose intolerant (severely limiting my intake) what is next?

Well, dairy was the big one, also soy. She couldn't have ANY dairy or soy, including trace/hidden in processed foods and whatnot. Her DD can't have fructose either, but I don't remember if she eliminated that from her own diet. Her DD did have silent reflux.

themarquis0 · September 2013

Okay, let me tell you about colic (as the mom of a formerly colic-y baby).

A baby with colic cries a lot and seems miserable much of the time. They want to be held/rocked/entertained 24/7. They seem agitated and uninterested in interacting or cuddling with caregivers. Colic is worse in the evening and usually a baby starts out as a newborn seeming fine but starts to get worse and worse starting at about 2-3 weeks, peaking at 6-8 weeks. I think this pretty much sounds like your LO.

Colic is *not* due to pain or stomach aches or reflux (though of course a baby with colic can sometimes ALSO happen to have reflux or something else). They used to think colic = stomach pain, but this has been disproven by a bunch of studies. Instead, it is thought to be what is called 'neurological immaturity', which just means that some babies are extremely sensitive to sensations and have trouble 'integrating' them or making sense of them. So for a baby with colic, really normal sensations like the feeling of clothes on her skin or the stomach gurgling or normal everyday sounds are all just 'too much' and cause the baby to be unhappy and angry (yes, angry! On MRI studies they have found that colicy babies have the anger areas of their brains light up when fussing/crying!)

Okay, so that's colic -- what can be done about it? I hate to tell you, but the only cure for colic is time. By about 3-4 months or so, most babies' brains mature and they get over their colic. Personally, I found my baby's colic to be distressing, horiffic, and to negatively impact my relationship with her. I'm not surprised you seem angry and unhappy in your post -- that's how I felt too. Day in and day out having an angry little person scream in your face no matter what you do is psychologically traumatizing. We tried a bunch of stuff -- probiotics, reflux meds, etc., really nothing works. But by about 3.5 months, we saw a different baby emerge. NOw our LO is delightful (still pretty high energy/high needs) but happy, engaged with us, loving ... just wonderful.

That being said, there are some things that can help. There is a book called 'happiest baby on the block' (or watch the dvd) that is very helpful and describes simple interventions such as swaddling, rocking, 'shushing', etc. These techniques are great for colic. Another thing you should consider is making sure you don't have PPD (not saying you do but you sound pretty down in your post). Talk to your PCP and start some meds if you do because they'll better help you deal with the fussiness and be a better, happier, mom.

Best of luck -- it is *rough*! This will pass in time.

pinottoparenthood · September 2013

candlequeen said:

I also ebf and its exhausting sometimes. I'm not familiar with Ferber method but if your Dr suggested it then it might be worth trying again. I do ebf except dh does give her formula once every couple days. It gives me a break. I dont have time to pump,feed and entertain my 2.5 year old DS. However to get DD to take a bottle I had to feed her a bottle all day until she got it. Do what works for u. Happy Momma, happy baby!
EBF means a baby gets mommy's milk and nothing else. If your DH gives your baby formula, then you aren't exclusively breastfeeding. Sorry hun

Why are we splitting hairs over this? Sure, you're technically right... But obviously @jlpev is doing the very best she can to give her baby the best nutrition she can. Who cares what she calls it? I just feel like this comment is a little unnecessary. I feel lucky that I have never needed to give formula, but I'm not going to be all sanctimonious about it.

themarquis0 · September 2013

I agree -- that was unnecessary.

FWIW, our LO had breastfeeding issues (helped tremendously by a lactation advisor) so in her first few months she had occasional bottles of formula when my partners' supply couldn't keep up. The ped and lactation consultants officially called our LO 'exclusively breast fed' (and didn't really consider those occasional formula bottles to count for much since LO's main source of nutrition was the breast). So there.

Snapdragon750 · September 2013

Breastfeeding is good for babies, but having a happy, less stressed out mother is REALLY good for babies.

despmama · September 2013

Thank you all for the help!

I took the weekend, cleared some major things off my plate, gave the baby a few bottles of formula and slept on the couch for two nights.

He CIO after two wake-ups (one each night). I hated to do it (that's why I had to sleep on the couch) but he just wouldn't be comforted, and after his 3rd wake up in 2 hours, it happened. He slept for about 4 hours after that.

Last night he woke up once, I fed him, put him back in bed and he slept for 6 hours.

I think we've turned a corner. Maybe I won't be "ebf" but if a bottle of formula is what it takes to get some sleep, I think it is worth it!

Snapdragon750 · October 2013

Nicb13 said:

despmama said:

Thank you all for the help!
I took the weekend, cleared some major things off my plate, gave the baby a few bottles of formula and slept on the couch for two nights.
He CIO after two wake-ups (one each night). I hated to do it (that's why I had to sleep on the couch) but he just wouldn't be comforted, and after his 3rd wake up in 2 hours, it happened. He slept for about 4 hours after that.
Last night he woke up once, I fed him, put him back in bed and he slept for 6 hours.
I think we've turned a corner. Maybe I won't be "ebf" but if a bottle of formula is what it takes to get some sleep, I think it is worth it!

I'm glad things are a little better but with what you were saying in your post, despite denying being depressed, I'd get some help. Thinking those things about your baby and your situation aren't healthy so you should probably talk to someone. GL.

Unless she's holding back, I think the only help the OP likely needs is a good night's sleep and someone else to be able to feed her baby once in awhile. Obviously OP if you have negative thoughts toward your baby after that then get some help, but honestly I wasn't getting that vibe from you in the first place. I think it sounded like you love your baby, but you're overwhelmed. I know we're all watchful of PPD around here, but it IS possible to be stressed out without having PPD.

Ardmhs83 · October 2013

themarquis0 said:

Okay, let me tell you about colic (as the mom of a formerly colic-y baby).

A baby with colic cries a lot and seems miserable much of the time. They want to be held/rocked/entertained 24/7. They seem agitated and uninterested in interacting or cuddling with caregivers. Colic is worse in the evening and usually a baby starts out as a newborn seeming fine but starts to get worse and worse starting at about 2-3 weeks, peaking at 6-8 weeks. I think this pretty much sounds like your LO.

Colic is *not* due to pain or stomach aches or reflux (though of course a baby with colic can sometimes ALSO happen to have reflux or something else). They used to think colic = stomach pain, but this has been disproven by a bunch of studies. Instead, it is thought to be what is called 'neurological immaturity', which just means that some babies are extremely sensitive to sensations and have trouble 'integrating' them or making sense of them. So for a baby with colic, really normal sensations like the feeling of clothes on her skin or the stomach gurgling or normal everyday sounds are all just 'too much' and cause the baby to be unhappy and angry (yes, angry! On MRI studies they have found that colicy babies have the anger areas of their brains light up when fussing/crying!)

Okay, so that's colic -- what can be done about it? I hate to tell you, but the only cure for colic is time. By about 3-4 months or so, most babies' brains mature and they get over their colic. Personally, I found my baby's colic to be distressing, horiffic, and to negatively impact my relationship with her. I'm not surprised you seem angry and unhappy in your post -- that's how I felt too. Day in and day out having an angry little person scream in your face no matter what you do is psychologically traumatizing. We tried a bunch of stuff -- probiotics, reflux meds, etc., really nothing works. But by about 3.5 months, we saw a different baby emerge. NOw our LO is delightful (still pretty high energy/high needs) but happy, engaged with us, loving ... just wonderful.

That being said, there are some things that can help. There is a book called 'happiest baby on the block' (or watch the dvd) that is very helpful and describes simple interventions such as swaddling, rocking, 'shushing', etc. These techniques are great for colic. Another thing you should consider is making sure you don't have PPD (not saying you do but you sound pretty down in your post). Talk to your PCP and start some meds if you do because they'll better help you deal with the fussiness and be a better, happier, mom.

Best of luck -- it is *rough*! This will pass in time.

VERY well said!! Couldn't agree more! I also had a colicky baby and all of this sounds soooooo familiar to me that it is scary. I also was diagnosed with PPD at 7 months PP as well!
What you are going through is hard, very hard. That is even an understatement. A lot of people that haven't dealt with a colicky baby doesn't know the "normal" calming stuff doesn't work for these babies! The ONLY thing that calmed my son was to be constantly attached to my breast! I mean...ALWAYS! It drove me mad! Didn't help my DS was also tongue-tied! Triple whammy, I know! It was tough, but I did continue to EBF for 7 months, then continued to BF until he was 9 months with some solids added in. Ultimately, I had to give it up at 9 months PP because I was losing my mind. My supply was great and my sons behavior was 100% better, it does get better...their is a light at the end of the tunnel. However, I was already damaged by PPD/PPA. I know I have him a great start in life and you did too! Try not to feel guilty!
If you want to continue to BF then try to find some support from the LLL. They are very helpful! If you don't want to, then don't...you can always find donor milk if you wish to.
Do something about this now, take care of yourself before things turn real bad. Speak to your doctor.
Good luck!

Ardmhs83 · October 2013

Ardmhs83 said:

themarquis0 said:

Okay, let me tell you about colic (as the mom of a formerly colic-y baby).

A baby with colic cries a lot and seems miserable much of the time. They want to be held/rocked/entertained 24/7. They seem agitated and uninterested in interacting or cuddling with caregivers. Colic is worse in the evening and usually a baby starts out as a newborn seeming fine but starts to get worse and worse starting at about 2-3 weeks, peaking at 6-8 weeks. I think this pretty much sounds like your LO.

Colic is *not* due to pain or stomach aches or reflux (though of course a baby with colic can sometimes ALSO happen to have reflux or something else). They used to think colic = stomach pain, but this has been disproven by a bunch of studies. Instead, it is thought to be what is called 'neurological immaturity', which just means that some babies are extremely sensitive to sensations and have trouble 'integrating' them or making sense of them. So for a baby with colic, really normal sensations like the feeling of clothes on her skin or the stomach gurgling or normal everyday sounds are all just 'too much' and cause the baby to be unhappy and angry (yes, angry! On MRI studies they have found that colicy babies have the anger areas of their brains light up when fussing/crying!)

Okay, so that's colic -- what can be done about it? I hate to tell you, but the only cure for colic is time. By about 3-4 months or so, most babies' brains mature and they get over their colic. Personally, I found my baby's colic to be distressing, horiffic, and to negatively impact my relationship with her. I'm not surprised you seem angry and unhappy in your post -- that's how I felt too. Day in and day out having an angry little person scream in your face no matter what you do is psychologically traumatizing. We tried a bunch of stuff -- probiotics, reflux meds, etc., really nothing works. But by about 3.5 months, we saw a different baby emerge. NOw our LO is delightful (still pretty high energy/high needs) but happy, engaged with us, loving ... just wonderful.

That being said, there are some things that can help. There is a book called 'happiest baby on the block' (or watch the dvd) that is very helpful and describes simple interventions such as swaddling, rocking, 'shushing', etc. These techniques are great for colic. Another thing you should consider is making sure you don't have PPD (not saying you do but you sound pretty down in your post). Talk to your PCP and start some meds if you do because they'll better help you deal with the fussiness and be a better, happier, mom.

Best of luck -- it is *rough*! This will pass in time.

Lurker:
VERY well said!! Couldn't agree more! I also had a colicky baby and all of this sounds soooooo familiar to me that it is scary. I also was diagnosed with PPD at 7 months PP as well!
What you are going through is hard, very hard. That is even an understatement. A lot of people that haven't dealt with a colicky baby doesn't know the "normal" calming stuff doesn't work for these babies! The ONLY thing that calmed my son was to be constantly attached to my breast! I mean...ALWAYS! It drove me mad! Didn't help my DS was also tongue-tied! Triple whammy, I know! It was tough, but I did continue to EBF for 7 months, then continued to BF until he was 9 months with some solids added in. Ultimately, I had to give it up at 9 months PP because I was losing my mind. My supply was great and my sons behavior was 100% better, it does get better...their is a light at the end of the tunnel. However, I was already damaged by PPD/PPA. I know I have him a great start in life and you did too! Try not to feel guilty!
If you want to continue to BF then try to find some support from the LLL. They are very helpful! If you don't want to, then don't...you can always find donor milk if you wish to.
Do something about this now, take care of yourself before things turn real bad. Speak to your doctor.
Good luck!

despmama · October 2013

Thanks. I had ppd with my first son, so I kniw the signs. This is "just" stress. Things are looking up all ready. The colicky post- thanks for that. I had no idea what colic really was. I hope he growns out of it soon. But the sleep is helping.

traceykent00 · October 2013

Have you tried The Happiest Baby on the Block? I have a colicky 3 mo old and we just started the 5 S's this week and it REALLY WORKS!!! He fussed off and on all weekend and Sunday evening we did the 5 S's and he conked out for an hour and a half and only woke up because I stopped his swing and undid his swaddle because I wanted him to sleep that night. Used it again last night and he calmed down, took a cat nap and woke up happy. If you haven't tried it already I strongly suggest it. I was hesitant because it calls for swaddling the baby and we haven't swaddled ours since a week after we brought him home because he sweats so much and is such a warm body, but we use a loose, thin blanket to swaddle him when he needs to calm down. Good luck! Ours was the worst between 4-7 weeks and has slowly gotten better and he will be 14 weeks on Friday. His fussiness only lasts 30-45 minutes instead of hours on end!

megandscott07 · October 2013

britt1430 said:

Nicb13 said:

candlequeen said:

jlpev said:
I also ebf and its exhausting sometimes. I'm not familiar with Ferber method but if your Dr suggested it then it might be worth trying again.
I do ebf except dh does give her formula once every couple days. It gives me a break. I dont have time to pump,feed and entertain my 2.5 year old DS.
However to get DD to take a bottle I had to feed her a bottle all day until she got it.
Do what works for u. Happy Momma, happy baby!
EBF means a baby gets mommy's milk and nothing else. If your DH gives your baby formula, then you aren't exclusively breastfeeding. Sorry hun

The "sorry hun" was the worst part of the ridiculous comment. Get over yourself.

This exactly! How rude, stay off the board if that's all you got for people looking for support and help.

Agreed! What a pointless comment.

green867 · October 2013

That totally sucks. As far as the breastfeeding thing goes, I had tons of support and I STILL had to abandon it because it was way too stressful and the lack of sleep made me feel terrible (not to mention the recurrent mastitis). Just from my experience, if it helps to drop the breast feeding and go to formula, don't beat yourself up about it. It is more important for baby to have a healthy happy mama than to get breastmilk, and if it is one less thing to stress you out that's great.

hollowstar · October 2013

First off, quitting breastfeeding is a bad idea. You'll most likely regret it when you're both (you and baby) feeling better and by then it will be too late to start again (most likely). Weaning can also trigger depression and if nursing is the thing that calms your baby the best, don't stop!

Honestly, I was feeling very similar to what you were feeling. It felt like my guy was unhappy all the time and I couldn't stay on top of housework or anything else. Days ran together and when he slept I was too exhausted and anxious (about the next time he'd wake up) to get anything done.

Your baby might really have colic and if so, take the others' advice, but you MIGHT consider PPD/anxiety as a factor. I recently started Zoloft because of anxiety and just feeling run down. I didn't feel sad at all, just overwhelmed, but I gave it a shot. I have to say, it's helped immeasurably. I'm not sure if my baby is actually happier now as well or just my outlook has changed but I suddenly feel much more bonded to him and more responsive and calm to his crying versus desperate or resentful. Just something to consider. I was surprised at how much it helped.

I'm going to give up

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