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September 2013 Moms
llybeck
member
Semi-BR, differing opinions on baptism, religion is discussed...
llybeck
member
I don't want this to be a religious discussion in any way, I am just looking for advice on how to approach this and try to make this as easy as possible without anyone feeling offended. I don't have many people I am close with that are religious and I don't really know who or where to discuss this.
I do not go to church regularly at all and I was not baptized. My fiancé is Catholic and his mom is very, very concerned about getting LO baptized and also where fiancé and I are getting married. She insists that everything be Catholic and I don't know how comfortable I am with any of this. I typically go to a Lutheran church when I go and she said she would be "okay" with us getting married in the Lutheran church but that my fiancé in no way should convert. I have been to many different churches and tried to educate myself about different branches of Christianity since that is what I believe but I don't know if a Catholic baptism is the choice I would make for myself or my child. I feel uncomfortable making a huge life decision like that. The problem is that my fiancé is religious but he doesn't go to church either and when we do, he doesn't really participate, he just goes through the motions. He has never made religion a big deal and has said many times he doesn't care where we get married. Now yesterday when we were discussing this I told him I would be comfortable being married in the church if it was important to him and if he truly wanted LO to be baptized he would have to take control of that since I don't really know how I feel about that. I told him if he wanted to do that he would have to be more proactive about his religion so that he could instill those values and traditions in LO. He told me he felt bad that I didn't think he was very religious and then asked if I wanted to get baptized. I really don't know what to say, I don't want to be baptized Catholic but I don't want this to be a huge problem for us and become even more of a source of anxiety. I understand we will have to go through marriage counseling if we do get married in the Catholic church and I don't want to sit through that being uncomfortable and unsure how I feel, I don't think that is right. And how am I going to help my LO when she is old enough to understand if I don't know if I even agree with how she was baptized?
This is not a decision I am taking lightly and I'm having a hard time with where to even start in trying to figure this out. I don't want to offend my fiancé and his family but this isn't his family's choice. I don't know how to get my fiancé to understand that this isn't just something you do because your family thinks you should, these are big decisions that will affect us and our LO. I feel like his family is shaming him into making this a big deal when I don't think he really feels that way. I don't think he is understanding that this is a huge thing for me and it should be for him too. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this or has anyone had a similar experience? And I am deeply sorry if I offended anyone with my views, that is not my intention whatsoever. I feel that whatever you choose to believe in is what is right for you and I have no issues with anyone's religious beliefs, I just don't know how to feel about all of this being put on me at once. Thank you for reading all this if you made it to the end.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Semi-BR, differing opinions on baptism, religion is discussed...
Religion is a big deal to me, and I've always refused to conform to just what my parents want. I converted to Judaism when I was in my early 20's (raised in a very catholic family). My decision was a tough and unpopular one, but I stuck to it and there was zero room for changing my mind.
The most important thing you should do is discuss with your fiancé, make a joint decision, and make sure he's firm in telling his mother what you've decided and how you're going to handle this. I will say, it's best to do this before you get married. This tends to be a weird and hot button topic.
Regarding your marriage, there is no reason why you should have to be baptized Catholic in order to be married in the church. As you said, you will have to go to some counseling, and you will have to agree to have LO brought up as Catholic. If you are comfortable with that, then go ahead and get married in a Catholic church. If you are not comfortable with that and feel that you would rather not have LO grow up Catholic, then get married in the Lutheran church. It's better to make that decision now than to have LO baptized Catholic to appease fiance's mom, and then fight with her over LO's religious upbringing later.
Looking at what you have said, I would probably have LO baptized Lutheran. Then if LO goes to church with grandma and dad and decides later on to be Catholic, kiddo can be baptized in the Catholic faith later. How would fiance feel about that?
I would sit down with him and have a serious talk. Find a time where it can be uninterrupted, maybe if someone can watch LO for an hour while you get coffee. It sounds like you have two issues to work out: baptism and marriage. Make it very clear to him (and yourself) that his mom's opinion needs to stay out of the decision.
It's ok for LO to be baptized in one church and you get married in another. And it's ok to wait in baptism, as well. Like PP, I'm glad you're not taking it lightly. Baptism is a commitment to raise a child within the faith, not just a random ceremony. You both just have to work out what your feelings are. If Catholicism isn't super important to your H, but baptism is, I see no reason why you can't have LO baptized in the Lutheran church.
My family is Episcopalian. We were not baptized as children because my mom was still trying to find the right church for us/herself and wanted us to be able to choose when we were old enough. I was baptized ~5th grade.
You getting baptized is also a very personal choice (I think you said he wanted you to?). It should not be open to any discussion from him or anyone else. With that said, I *think* you have to be baptized to be married in the Catholic Church. I personally don't think that's a valid reason to be baptized, though.,
Thank you all for your responses, this is definitely something I need to think about further. After looking into this further, I would need to be baptized as a Christian in order to be married in the Catholic church, it appears that in rare circumstances that they will approve a Catholic to marry and non-baptized person but this is very rare. The other issue is that they typically will not marry you if you are living together unless they truly feel that you are not doing anything "immoral" together. Obviously that's out the window since we already have a child together... I don't think getting married in the Catholic church is going to really be possible for us even. I want to be married without any religious ceremony but I understand this is not just my decision, it involves my fiancé as well. I think being married in the Lutheran church may be a good compromise and from what I understand, the Lutheran church is not as strict regarding baptism.
As for baptizing LO, I really don't know what to do. This is something that my fiancé cares about but I still don't feel comfortable. We really need to talk this out and maybe if we do choose to marry in the Lutheran church, we will choose that for baptism as well. You have all given me a lot to consider and I thank you for sharing your personal experiences as well.
For us, we have decided to have a friend who is a non-denominational officiant perform a baby blessing outdoor 'service' that will include some Jesus, some spiritual, some nature, and a lot of love. If our LOs want to be baptized into a particular faith later, I'm all for it, but we're not going to go that route now for them. Our personal belief is that God doesn't care what church you go to.
IMO, if you are more comfortable in the Lutheran church, and FI is not against it (as you are with Catholicism) then go with Lutheran. Baptism is very important, and it is something that you'll want to understand later when LO asks questions. It's going to be an awkward situation if one of you Are actually against the religion.
I'm not saying choose lightly, but the same religion that you are both ok with is better than a religion that one of you is opposed to.
@msronzio, I would say I'm agnostic as well and it's very stressful in regards to LO's religion! I think waiting until she can make her own choice is the right thing to do but again, my fiancé has a say in this as well and I know baptism is important to him. I don't know why I didn't put more thought into this earlier, I guess just because people couldn't really pressure us until LO was actually here and now it gets brought up all the time. And I feel strange about the marriage counseling as well, I think you put it well by saying it seems disrespectful. I know most churches have you do it though so I am trying to stay open minded about it and go into it feeling like we will get some benefit from it.
@LBib, I think that your choice to have a "baby blessing service" is an awesome decision. I don't know how my fiancé will feel about that but it's definitely something to discuss. I feel like I don't know if it's our place to put a specific religion on our child, I want that to be a conscious decision she makes for herself, and I completely agree with you and feel that God doesn't cares what church we go to. We have faith and morals and live our lives the best we can and I think that is what is important.
I am Catholic, my husband is not. We chose to get married in the Catholic Church and we will baptize LO there because I feel strongly about it and DH just wants to support me. I don't think his mother loves our decision, but that what it is: our decision.
I think your feelings are really valid. And honestly, most churches are going to agree with you in that it is a life decision and that the parents need to be completely on board.
It sounds like you have your head in the right place in regards to your extended family, they are out of line for pushing anything especially since you are not a practicing Catholic. You and your fiance are obviously not new to this aspect of your relationship, and unless you asked for guidance from them (sounds like you haven't) they really could use some redirection of their energies towards your wedding and the baptism of your child-should you choose to do one. My personal experience is to let people know as soon as you recognize this kind of conflict so it can be resolved before plans get serious. You and your husband get to come to an agreement and only you. If it makes you this uncomfortable, I think conversations need to happen between you and your fiance until you can both be on the same page with how to handle outside opinions. My husband and I still struggle with this ourselves but the roots we have put down help a ton.
In regards to Catholic vs. Lutheran, I have to say, I am Lutheran, but I attend a Catholic church when out of town. The two are very similar, and Lutheranism is often referred to as 'Catholic light' I kid you not. But if you are unsure if you want to participate in either, that is a soul searching quest for only you. It might be a good idea to consider this.
We were married in a Lutheran Church, and had to do counseling. For us, it was not religious at all, it was more about recognizing our expectations of eachother as partners and communication.
We are going to speak to our local Lutheran church and look at actively participating and going to weekly service. After looking into it, it's not going to be possible to be married in the Catholic church because I am not baptized and I don't feel comfortable rushing into that just so we can get married. My fiance understood and respected that and said it was only important to him that we baptize our daughter as a Christian, not necessarily Catholic. I was also relieved that he said even though he was not looking forward to his family's reaction, it was our decision and not theirs.
So I think we have a good starting point and a plan to start going to the Lutheran church and eventually be married there and baptize our daughter there. And we both feel good about the decision. I feel so relieved, it helped a lot reading all of your responses!