When to call the Grand-Parents?

2andThru · October 2013

If this is posted elsewhere- sorry, link it if you like. I didn't see it in the Third Trimester boards.

We've got about a month left till baby is due. So far so good, she's been an easy pregnancy. We're tying up loose ends and packing bags and what-not and have posed the question "when do we call everyone when I go into labor?"

1. I have good relationships with my family all around. However, my mother has been somewhat overbearing (and I use that term loosely to avoid venting). She's made the comment that she "Better be the first to hold her," which you all know is not happening, and we've decided my father will actually be the first. Needless to say she won't be holding a leg

2. My Mother in Law lives about an hour away and will most likely wait a few days before coming over to meet the baby. Which is fine with me.

3. I only want my husband in the delivery room when it's THAT time but I'm not sure of a good point to kick everyone out, or if we even want them in there to begin with.

What I'm wondering is how you did it? How do you make you're family feel included and informed but make your wishes VERY clear and avoid delivery room drama while preserving the "moment" for you and your husband and new little family? Since this is our first, I have no idea what MY temperament would be. But let's pretend that I'll be rather agitated with anyone other than my husband. Our first instinct is to go through labor, deliver and THEN call everyone...to be fair. This would be AFTER we've had baby bonding time and everyone is settled back in and comfortable. As a side note, we're leaving out friends...they can come to the house later.

JaysonandKristin · October 2013

Everyone is free to visit when we call after LO has arrived, and *I* am comfortable.

Phone calls will be made to announce her birth, and follow up calls with invites to visit will be made as soon as I am ready.

tjheld · October 2013

My plan is to only call the grand parents once we are ready to see them and once the baby is here. My MIL has asked NUMEROUS times to be in the delivery room with us. And every time that gets brought up I just usually say "I am not trying to offend you but Tory and I only want us int he room and no one else." Although that gets repetitive as I feel like i have to tell her that a lot I hope that she does get the picture.

My co-worker has said that I could tell her "she wasn't in the room when the baby was conceived your not going to be there when the baby is born."

Good Luck!

agfox92 · October 2013

Have you made a a birthing plan yet? I haven't filled it out but printed off the fill in the blank one they have on here and read through the questions. You can put when you want people to be let in and how many and all of that. I'm a FTM also and don't want to hurt families feelings but during labor, I want it to be just my DH and me. We will call each set of parents on the way to the hospital so they know it's time but I don't want anyone in the room until my DH and I have had time with the baby and I can get back to at least a somewhat presentable state.

2andThru · October 2013

Fortunately my MIL is FANTASTIC! and completely respectful at all times. She will NOT be an "issue" during birth or any other time during raising our kiddos.

I've printed a Birth Plan template just to have, and it DOES include a section about visitors. However, besides deciding who stays and who stays out...and banning all mirrors and peeking (husband doesn't want to look down there) LOL. I'm banking on the fact that whatever we decided (with the help of all of you) in advance, and whatever "plan" we've offered to our parents, would be respected and followed by said parents. I think we're ultimately of the opinion of no new faces till after we've bonded and had our fill of her. I, especially, want my husband to have as much time as possible since it will be his first chance to truly be with her. Thanks for making me feel like it's "OK" to keep family out

TREDgirl · October 2013

We will call and let them know after me and the babies are fine and when they can come visit. We want time to ourselves to bond and start nursing right away. In addition I will most likely be having a CS so factor in recovery time and all of that. I have made it VERY clear that no one is to be waiting in the waiting room while I am in labor and delivering, hence if I go into labor naturally we won't be telling anyone.

roo1oo · October 2013

I pretty much told DH he can tell family when we're admitted, and they're free to come to the hospital and wait in the waiting room but no one comes in to visit until we're both ready after LO is born. Basically, he's to suggest that they all wait for the call that LO has been born and then give us 6 or so hours.

2andThru · October 2013

I like both of those. Personally if I was going to be a grandmother I wouldn't want to sit in a waiting room for 12+ hours anyway...I think KNOWING my family is in the waiting room would make me all the more anxious and in a hurry. If I knew no one was pacing 6 doors down, I'd be more relaxed. So let's say we arrange with our families ahead of time to call when I'm in labor but that it doesn't give anyone a ticket to the waiting room. We'll call once she's here, and then let you know when visitors are welcome with obvious respect to certain family members first. Those three calls mixed in with updates on how labor is progressing should make everyone feel informed and included but not stress me out with knocking on the door and wanting to get a glimpse of my cervix...

m88bloom · October 2013

My plan is to shoot a text to family and close friends when I go into labor and then probably a picture of LO w/ details like time, weight and name (we're not naming him until he arrives) later. I have also already made it clear to everyone that guests aren't welcome right away. I would like some family bonding time before hand and probably some rest.

Good luck on the overbearing mother and just remember that the less you say no and set boundaries the more she will want or think it's ok to control the situation.

2andThru · October 2013

With respect to nurses and doctors, I think they'd appreciate the time to do what they do without all the eager hands as well

redfallon · October 2013

OP this sounds like your best bet:

"Our first instinct is to go through labor, deliver and THEN call everyone...to be fair."

NL105 · October 2013

We told our family (my parents, his dad) that we will call them when it's okay to come visit.

aesisson88 · October 2013

My plan is to go med free so I will be laboring at home as long as I can. We will call both sets of parents after we have been admitted to l&d because they really want to sit in the waiting room. (Idk why, they just do) then after baby is here we will contact the other important people.

mplesset23 · October 2013

SarahHenningfield said:

If this is posted elsewhere- sorry, link it if you like. I didn't see it in the Third Trimester boards.
We've got about a month left till baby is due. So far so good, she's been an easy pregnancy. We're tying up loose ends and packing bags and what-not and have posed the question "when do we call everyone when I go into labor?"
1. I have good relationships with my family all around. However, my mother has been somewhat overbearing (and I use that term loosely to avoid venting). She's made the comment that she "Better be the first to hold her," which you all know is not happening, and we've decided my father will actually be the first. Needless to say she won't be holding a leg
2. My Mother in Law lives about an hour away and will most likely wait a few days before coming over to meet the baby. Which is fine with me.
3. I only want my husband in the delivery room when it's THAT time but I'm not sure of a good point to kick everyone out, or if we even want them in there to begin with.
What I'm wondering is how you did it? How do you make you're family feel included and informed but make your wishes VERY clear and avoid delivery room drama while preserving the "moment" for you and your husband and new little family? Since this is our first, I have no idea what MY temperament would be. But let's pretend that I'll be rather agitated with anyone other than my husband. Our first instinct is to go through labor, deliver and THEN call everyone...to be fair. This would be AFTER we've had baby bonding time and everyone is settled back in and comfortable. As a side note, we're leaving out friends...they can come to the house later.

First of all, I was convinced it was just going to be me and DH in the room. Right before I was ready to start pushing (which took 2 hours btw) I decided I wanted my mom with me too. The nurse took care of getting everyone out of the room for me before I was ready to push. Nobody in my family made a big scene. I didn't even know until after DS was born that there were something like 10 family members in the waiting room. DH didn't want a million people coming in to see the baby right away so he made it clear to all of them.

You really have no idea what mood you'll be in. I don't think you'll be agitated. In fact, I had a weird sense of calmness before my LO arrived.

deltagirl79 · October 2013

It depends on your family and how they will react to being told you want them to leave. With DS we called and MIL & FIL came down to the hospital at 10:30 and hung out until midnight. Since it was so late when we got to the hospital I was surprised that they drove down. I was cranky and felt bad but I wanted them to go.

This time they'll know because they will have DS but we won't be calling anyone to visit until we are ready.

WashingtonQueen · October 2013

My mother was called the very second I knew I was in labor. I wanted her and my brother there for both births and they have a 3 hour drive to my house.

My in-laws were called when there was a calm moment. Both times that ended up being when DH was on his way to pick up the babysitter. If my in-laws lived closer and/or planned to come down I would have made DH wait to tell them until after the baby was born.

agentkitten75 · October 2013

Dh and I are very close to our moms and brothers, so we will call them once i go into labor. They are all about an hour or two away and we don't expect them at the hospital since i only want my DH in the room. Everyone else gets a text or call when the baby arrives.

ELauren88 · October 2013

We called all our parents when I thought I was in labor. My mom was in the room with us, and it would not have bee fair if we hadn't told the IL's, too.

We didn't leave for the hospital for 9 hours, so when we finally went, everyone came with us. I had a waiting room full of people, who patiently waited to come meet my baby after our bonding time.

My wishes were known, because that's what I told people when they asked, and I communicated with my nurses. I had no birth plan, but remained "in charge" of my birth experience. Basically, MIL knew she wasn't welcome in the delivery room, because she was not invited. I couldn't stop other people (siblings, grandparents, friends) from being called, and decided not to fight it when push came to shove.

It was actually really nice to have everyone there at the hospital, I was quickly annoyed with visitors once we were home.

Though, this is just what worked for us!

Dreamingmommy4 · October 2013

DH and I have discussed this and we are having 2 other "support" people in the labor and delivery room with us from beginning to end; my mom and sister-in-law. It was my decision to have them and DH agreed. We will call and inform DH's parents and my dad when I am in labor, but I don't want anyone at the hospital other than those 3 until after baby girl is born. After she is born and we are comfortably settled into the mother and baby recovery room DH and I will have his parents and brother, and my dad and brothers come down to meet her. No one else is allowed to come to the hospital. We may or may not make birth announcement phone calls from the hospital, most likely we will wait until we get home. Then once home and settled, we will arrange for family and friends to come visit, starting with grandparents (or great-grandparents rather). If friends or family get upset about this, too bad.

zou bisou · October 2013

I think we called grandparents and let them know when we were on our way to the hospital. Then after baby was born, we let them know when we were ready for visitors.

2andThru · October 2013

2andThru · October 2013

BrittAnnie19 said:

Never feel guilty to want privacy during your birth. No one has a right to intrude. There's nothing selfish about it. Birth and those couple of hours afterward are an incredibly intimate time of bonding for a new family and there's no reason even the most eager of grandparents can't wait to see the baby.

If you plan to call family in advance and let them know you're in labor, I might warn them ahead of time that you may be turning cell phones off so you and DH can focus on the task at hand, but you'll update when you're available. Luckily this wasn't my experience, but I've heard plenty of stories of cell phones ringing off the hook when a momma is in labor and it's really not necessary for them to know the state of your cervix.

This made me feel a lot better about our current plan. Thank you! And you're right, no one needs to know the status of my cervix. And I hadn't even thought about cell phones yet. I just assumed we wouldn't have them handy. But my mom WOULD be the one to call every 20 minutes...God love her...

Kfran84 · October 2013

FTM here- my mom is pissed that she is not invited to hold my leg and help birth my child for me. Oh well. She also expressed that she would like to at least be waiting in the waiting room. Um, no, thanks. We want the first two-three hours to ourselves.

So we are calling after the baby is here. My parents are 3 hours away so even if they speed up here like maniacs, I still get my quiet time. My MIL is awesome and will come up when we say okay.

We have figured out that there is no good way to keep them in the loop and keep our privacy, those things are mutually exclusive. We choose our privacy.

mkenney12 · October 2013

With my first pregnancy I just had my husband in the room with me at all times. I had to chuckle with the over bearing mother part..here's a little story from my experience. I did not tell my mom I was in labor until we were heading to the hospital. I told her directly to STAY HOME until I knew I was progressing and if they would keep me. I knew I was in full blown labor but I did not want her there yet. Well, we get all settled in and they are making sure i'm dilaiting and I never hear back from my mom. I tell my husband, How much you want to bet she is outside in that waiting room? Low and behold, 10 minutes later a nurse comes in and says,, "Umm...your mom is here..." Great. So she brought food and basically threw it at my husband and at that time only 1 person was allowed in Trioge with me so he had to leave and there she was. I let my husband eat and kicked her out. She kept trying to come into my maternity room once I was admitted but I kept having to tell her she has to leave. Ugh I love my mother but she stresses me out and that was the last thing I needed. Finally she got the hint when I yelled at her to GET OUT!

THIS time around, however, she is my only babysitter for our little boy so she will be at home with my son so I won't have so many interruptions! We plan on having them come over once the baby is born. But we want to have some time with out little girl before we call in the ranks.

babymama619 · October 2013

My hospital only allows the coach (YH) and one other person in The L&D room at any given time. However you don't need to let them know that it could only be you and YH

I'm a fan if waiting until after delivery to tell people only because I don't want calls or texts asking if she's here yet.

My coach and my mom will be in the room with me. My dad and sister will come after I'm in the pp room. That's it. You can also ask the nurses to limit visitors or visitor time.

I'm not having many visitors because my time in the hospital is time for me to learn to nurse with help...and bleed out a bit.

bmqcmg · October 2013

We will only be telling my mom, my dad, and SOs mom when I go to the hospital. My mom and SO will be in the room with me and my dad will be watching DD if it is not during DDs dad's time. We will ask that SOs mom wait until she gets a text or call from us closer to time of LO coming before she heads up to the hospital and she knows that she will not be coming into the room right away.

I want SO and I to have time with LO before everyone gets to the hospital and I want DD to be one of the first to hold LO and have time with her brother or sister. With DD, I didn't have a plan and everyone came into the room right away and I hated it. I was so overwhelmed.

MamaP19 · October 2013

The thought of having family in the waiting room would stress me out like crazy. I made the mistake of telling my mom when I was going in (had to be induced). She knew ahead of time we didn't want anyone there until DD was here (and even then only the grandparents).

I was in labor 60+ hours. I actually got a guilt trip from her & the rest of my family saying how worried they were and that they were mad I couldn't bother to call. LMAO. Sorry mom, should have been calling in between the excruciating contractions to give you updates... I'm just fortunate I had my phone turned off so I didn't have the distraction of it ringing frequently.

This time around my MIL will be watching DD for us so she'll be the only one that will know when we decide to go to the hospital until after DS is here.

camedowncrushing · October 2013

We didn't let anyone know we were in labor with DD. We called the grandparents after she was born, and told them they could come the next day.

Rachelvanmid · October 2013

With my first, I decided I just wanted me and my husband in delivery. We kept family updated with texts and phone calls, but in our situation, I labored through the night. My MIL was ready to come over if me or hubbie needed anything, and we left that as an option if I felt like I needed it. I liked having the option to call family IF we needed any extra support, if DH needed a break, or if I forgot something at home... BUT I wanted to make sure we had the time to bond as a family first.

Besides, who knows what will happen, how long you will be in labor, or if you will need an unexpected C-section... I'm glad I didn't have family there waiting because I was in labor over 32 hours!:) Keep your options flexible, but most importantly, do what is most comfortable for you. Don't decide something you're not comfortable with just to make extended family/friends happy.

jknigh8 · October 2013

Honestly, I didnt see the point in having everyone hanging around the waiting room for hours on end waiting until the baby was born, AND we were ready for visitors. With my 1st, I figured, I had never had a baby before, maybe I didnt want everone rushing us as soon as she was born. I knew I would feel pressured to have them all in (both DH's and My parents and siblings live in the same city as us). So we told everyone beforehand that we would let them all know when it was time, and then call again when it was a good time to visit. That worked out well for us, and even though our parents were dying to get in there, they were really understanding and respectful. We did the same thing with DD#2 and will again this time.

mommyilene · October 2013

Personally I don't see the big deal about people waiting in the waiting room. They should know it could be hours before the baby gets here. So if they want to wait in the waiting room go for it!! I know I've spent many hours in a waiting room waiting for a LO to be born. I wouldn't have it any other way. That's how extended family who knows they can't be in the room with you shows their support to you while you are laboring.

Only hubby and my parents are going to be in the room with me. IF the hospital will allow one more person then MIL. Can go but she better stick close to my head. I'm not thrilled about her seeing my vag.

All our family lives far away so when I go into labor I'm calling my parents and it will be their responsibility to let others know. Same with in laws.

Basically my birth plan will be parents and hubby in room with me. Once baby is born they leave to give me hubby and baby time alone to get all cleaned up. Once I'm up for it then people can start coming in for visits.

2andThru · October 2013

mkenney12 said:

With my first pregnancy I just had my husband in the room with me at all times. I had to chuckle with the over bearing mother part..here's a little story from my experience. I did not tell my mom I was in labor until we were heading to the hospital. I told her directly to STAY HOME until I knew I was progressing and if they would keep me. I knew I was in full blown labor but I did not want her there yet. Well, we get all settled in and they are making sure i'm dilaiting and I never hear back from my mom. I tell my husband, How much you want to bet she is outside in that waiting room? Low and behold, 10 minutes later a nurse comes in and says,, "Umm...your mom is here..." Great. So she brought food and basically threw it at my husband and at that time only 1 person was allowed in Trioge with me so he had to leave and there she was. I let my husband eat and kicked her out. She kept trying to come into my maternity room once I was admitted but I kept having to tell her she has to leave. Ugh I love my mother but she stresses me out and that was the last thing I needed. Finally she got the hint when I yelled at her to GET OUT!
THIS time around, however, she is my only babysitter for our little boy so she will be at home with my son so I won't have so many interruptions! We plan on having them come over once the baby is born. But we want to have some time with out little girl before we call in the ranks.

And this is EXACTLY what my own mother would do. nurse - " Your mom's outside"...I'd lay even money at this point, that she's paid off at least one of the head nurses on each shift to CALL HER the second I check in, regardless of a phone call from me

Again. Love her to death!

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