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Sorting out my thoughts

SnowflakeBride06SnowflakeBride06 member
in Secondary IF
Recap on my SIF story: While TTC #1 suffered a torsion the first month and lost my right tube. Conceived DD naturally 3 cycles later but had wonky cycles. Uneventful pg until delivery and suffered an emergency c/s with major wound infection (probably have scar tissue).  Never went back on BC, condoms occasionally once AF returned and got serious about TTC a year ago.  M/C in December and nada since.  IF testing says possibly PCOS and otherwise unexplained SIF. Oh yea I have got dx with Lupus PP.

Its not like I expected the first IUI to work but typically at the end of every cycle where I know its BFN, I wonder if TTC #2 is right for us.  Each month DD gets older, more manageable and fun. But with TTC and IF I am reminded through playdates, other mommy friends and preschool that most of her cohort has siblings already or will soon.  

It makes me feel like a failure that I can't give DD a sibling and at the same time I am greatful that I can give her all my time and attention.  Then of course I start worrying that if I have 2 it will change the dynamic etc. and thus starts my cascades of doubts that all would be erased if I got a BFP and had another baby that I would definetly love and cherish like my DD.

Ack.

DH has been pretty supportive. I know that its a rollercoaster for him too, he oscillates between being content with a family of 3 and wanting another baby.  I think right now, he'd do what I want as far as more treatment.

So, I have decided if this cycle is BFN then I will go ahead and do IUI#2.

My questions are:
1.Do you ever have doubts about having #2 after each month when it doesn't work?
2. Do you think there is an age gap that is too large or am I just overthinking it? Clearly we are in agreement we want more but has anyone thought about a stopping point if treatment isn't working?

Thank you for listening to my vent/rant and offer you a cookie and a glass of wine for your time!


 6/09 right tube loss (fallopian torsion) 12/09 BFP #1 (DD born 9/10)
8/12 dx Lupus (ANA+/APA-), 12/12 BFP #2  natural m/c 6w 2d 
TTC#2  since 9/12  50mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #1 Beta 10/4=BFN
                             50mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #2 Beta 11/1= BFN
                                  100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #3 Beta 12/26=BFFN
100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #4 Beta 2/14= BFFN
Took a LONG Break
Lots of Luck and Love BFPB for life KOFMKG
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Re: Sorting out my thoughts

  • roughkatroughkat member
    Ugh.  I know exactly how you feel.  So many people with kids DS's age have babies now, and it's hard to see.  And I struggle with feeling like, thank goodness we can provide all this time and attention to our son (or, when he's being tough, thank goodness we've only got one!), and then feeling like I so want him to have siblings, especially since he may never have cousins.

    As to your questions,

    1)  yes, absolutely.  Every month.  But we haven't reached the point yet where the sadness of trying and failing has passed the sadness of not trying at all.

    2)  Not sure.  My husband and his brother are 6 years apart and are very close.  And my father and his sister are 9 years apart (4 kids, he's the oldest, she's the youngest) and they've become close as adults (not as kids - he was in college when she was 7).  Every month that passes I try to think about how much more independent DS will be, how much more helpful, etc.  I try to make it a positive.

    It sucks, is the conclusion.

    TTC #2 since 1/2012

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  • SnowflakeBride06SnowflakeBride06 member
    Thank you @roughkat I am sorry you are in the same boat but it is comforting that I am not alone.

    I guess I wonder about spacing the most because my sisters and I are triplets with no other siblings and DH and his sister at 18 mo apart. I wouldn't say we are super close if you can believe it and I do feel like the age difference will help her give the demanding kid she is/has been.

    I don't always think that the notion of having kids closer together ensures siblings are close and I hope that she could be close to her sib even if the gap was bigger than it is typically in this generation.

    DH and I are going to keep trying and he even said this morning that he wants to.


     6/09 right tube loss (fallopian torsion) 12/09 BFP #1 (DD born 9/10)
    8/12 dx Lupus (ANA+/APA-), 12/12 BFP #2  natural m/c 6w 2d 
    TTC#2  since 9/12  50mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #1 Beta 10/4=BFN
                                 50mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #2 Beta 11/1= BFN
                                      100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #3 Beta 12/26=BFFN
    100 mg Clomid/Ovidrel IUI #4 Beta 2/14= BFFN
    Took a LONG Break
    Lots of Luck and Love BFPB for life KOFMKG
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  • AlmostWrightAlmostWright member
    You are definitely not alone. I find myself thinking more lately about when it is time to stop and what it would be like with only DS. Right now, we still really want another and are not ready to give up but it feels like we are getting closer to that point, especially since we are not sure yet about moving to IVF if IUI doesn't work.

    I do really appreciate all the extra time and attention we have been able to give DS. He is a great kid and so much fun (not that I am biased or anything!), and we are able to do a lot with him. He can usually have the attention of either parent he wants, we can play the games he wants, and we can gear our extra activities to him, all of which would definitely change with another. Finances would also change with another so could affect vacations, extras, etc. I can only hope that even with all the changes, he would stay as happy as he is now.

    I worry about the age gap a lot. I don't know when it is too much. And if we do decide to stop treatment at some point, does that mean we stop trying on our own? Or do we keep trying without help and hope? We are unexplained at this point so I guess there is always a small chance it would work on our own, but I don't know at what point we just say we are one and done and actually prevent. I can't imagine preventing when we really wanted more children but I guess at some point we would probably decide we are just going to be a family of 3.

    Sorry, I think I am really just adding more questions. I really wish I had answers!


    DS born Jan 2010

    TTC#2 since Nov 2010 with breaks for DH cancer tx (remission!)

    Tube with hydro removed Feb 2013

    BFP 11/11/13 IUI#2 clomid+trigger+prometrium

    Beta #1 14dpIUI=106; Beta #2 16dpIUI=287; Beta #3 20dpIUI=1158

    5w6d 1 hb 109 and 2nd smaller sac; 7w0d 1 hb 125 and confirmed vanishing twin

    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • MrsMegan922MrsMegan922 member

    I have felt all of those things and ask myself the same questions. I think it is completely normal. It is such a huge rollercoaster all of the time, and I think we are perfectly normal to question as months continue to go by.

    BFP #1 7/31/09 - m/c 8/22/09

    BFP #2 4/15/10 - DD born 12/31/10

    TTC #2 since July 2012

    BFP #3 9/24/12 - m/c 10/15/12

    Dx PCOS/LPD 5/2013 - Rx Metformin (1500mg) and GF diet

    BFP #4 6/10/13 - CP 6/12/13

    8/2013 Rx for low dose Naltrexone

    9/2013 DH's SA showed low motility/morph/viability

    10/2013 Lap removed multiple areas of scar tissue adhesions and opened blocked tube.

    BFP #5 1/24/2014 - EDD 10/3/2014

    This could be it! Grow baby!

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