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How do you deal w tantrums???

monkeypants23monkeypants23 member
in Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
Holy tantrums! DD is 17 months old and she has several a day - mostly over when she doesn't get what she wants- she wants to go outside but it's raining, she grabs my glasses off the table and I take them away from her, she doesn't want me to change her diaper, she tries to open a cabinet she's not allowed to... Etc etc mostly I just walk away- I tell her when she's done she can come play w me- am I doing the right thing? Does she understand me? I was under the impression that you're supposed to ignore tantrums, not feed into them. What do you do? I just started reading happiest toddler on the block and there's a whole different approach of talking toddler language and respecting their feelings!??!?! Hmmmmm
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Re: How do you deal w tantrums???

  • vintagejjanevintagejjane member
    When DD starts acting up with a tantrum, I always say "No, you cannot do/have X. I love you, but you cannot do/have X." Then I walk away if she continues. She usually forgets about it after 2 or 3 minutes then comes back to me and we always snuggle afterwards. It works for us, and I think it's different for every child. Some really respond well if you ignore the tantrum, others respond well if you try and talk it out with them. I'd try both for a couple times and see what works.
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  • jasminelorraine20jasminelorraine20 member
    I pick and choose my battles with DS. If he's opening a cabinet that he's not supposed or dropping his cup on the ground, I tell him "No!" or "You know that's not ok, stop it!". If starts throwing himself on the floor, screaming, or hitting- I put him in "time out" in his crib (which he hates) and once he's done screaming, I go in the room and have a soft spoken conversation with him (letting him know why he can't do certain things and that screaming is not ok) and let him out. He's usually pretty good after that.
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  • tbmadeamistaketbmadeamistake member
    I tell C that whatever got taken away/stopped is not something she's allowed and that she shouldn't scream about it.  I tell her I love her and I go sit nearby, where she can see me, and pretend to be involved in something else.  After a few minutes I go and sit down really close and inevitably she'll crawl over and climb on for a hug.  When she's calmed down, I again say that we can't do XYZ and leave it at that.  It works really well for us.

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  • MooOinkMooOink member
    We haven't read any books or anything so I don't know if what we do is best. But mostly, we can sympathize with how frustrating it is for toddlers, they can't communicate what they want, they don't understand why they can't have something, etc. if we were in that position we would be upset to.

    So wen DS does melt down, we don't give in and give him what he wants, we try to redirect and if that doesn't work we sit on the floor with him and hold him right and just hum or tell him "it's okay, it's okay. I know you want that but we can't play with that." Or whatever the situation is. He hasn't had a tantrum longer than a minute yet, so it works for us.

    As cheesy as it sounds, we just love him through it.
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  • preggersin2011preggersin2011 member
    That book is more about how to communicate. If you tell your LO it is time to come inside for dinner/bed and they throw a tantrum well that's not miscommunication that is welcome to toddlerhood!!! I 100% ignore those
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  • blu-eyedwifeblu-eyedwife member
    I think it depends on what the tantrum is about.  Often I ignore the tantrums (like when my guy didn't want to put his blocks away tonight before bath).  Sometimes I use redirection (like when he wants to go with DH to walk the dog).  And sometimes I give hugs (like when he gets really frustrated/upset about a situation an gets himself ramped up to hysteria).  WIth your examples:
    *she wants to go outside but it's raining - redirection.  "I know you want to go outside, but it's raining.  Let's color instead!"

    *she grabs my glasses off the table and I take them away from her - redirection.  "Those are mommy's glasses and not for playing.  You have play sunglasses, let's go find those."

    * she doesn't want me to change her diaper - ignore/bribery.  "We have to change your diaper, but afterwards you can go back to playing."

    * she tries to open a cabinet she's not allowed to. - redirection.  "We don't play in the cabinets, let's get something from your room instead."
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  • MsLsMsLs member
    So DS has just started tantrums and not to hijack this post but how does everyone deal with tantrums in a public place or when you aren't at home and can't redirect or go get a toy?
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  • jloveskyjlovesky member

    We are trying to avoid using "No" and "Stop" as that tends to provoke the undesired behavior in our house but I know everyone is different. We have been trying to rephrase things and say them in as a calm a tone as possible :) ex: When he hits one of us or tries pulling my hair I will look at him and say "You know you need to be nice, don't pull my hair." It seems to do ok for us! Best of luck to you, those tantrums can be a killer!

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  • AugustSkyeAugustSkye member
    I ignore my daughter when she throws fits.

    She knows when I'm serious, too, so sometimes just snapping my fingers and giving her the "evil glare" does the trick. Haha!
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  • NYENYE member
    Do find that he ever associates the crib with punishment and does not nap or go to bed well? We have started to use the crib as time out/punishment and I am worried.
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  • LC122LC122 member
    I agree with redirection and distraction in most cases.
    We also try to empower our LO to demonstrate good behavior and manners. For example, with your glasses example, we would say "Can you give Daddy back his glasses, please? He needs those." followed by a "thank you" when they were handed over. This also works for kids not sharing/snatching toys from each other. I am not afraid to ask/tell someone else's child that my child was playing with something and to please give it back. I expect my child to do likewise. I have yet to encounter a time when this didn't work. Expect I will eventually though.
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  • traveltheworldtraveltheworld member

    DS started having major tantrums at 12 months.  We've been very consistent with our approach.  We tell him that his behaviour is not acceptable, then we start counting to 10 very slowly.  If he doesn't even try to calm down by the time we get to 10, then we remove him from where ever he is and put him on the floor and walk away and "pretend" to do our own thing.  We always make sure he can see us though.  Once he starts calming down, we go give him a hug, sing a little song and praise him for calming down.  Then we mov on.

    It may just be age but ever since we started doing this, his tantrums have gotten shorter in length.  Now 70% of the time he'll calm down before we get to 10, and the other times he'll calm down within 5 minutes after we put him on the floor.

    He was having 20 - 30 minute melt-downs before.  We tried "Happiest Toddler on the Block" method but that just upset him more.  We found that any amount of attention we give him makes him even more mad.

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  • sunnyday016sunnyday016 member
    NYE said:
    Do find that he ever associates the crib with punishment and does not nap or go to bed well? We have started to use the crib as time out/punishment and I am worried.
    We have used his crib as a time out place, simply because he won't stay put anywhere else and when he's melting down repeatedly over a span of hours I need a break from him. So far, he is as challenging to put to bed as he usually is. With bedtime, we have a certain routine. When he goes there for TO I just take him up and dump him in. 
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  • jasminelorraine20jasminelorraine20 member
    We have used the crib as a "time out" place (very rarely I might add), and it has not affected the way he takes naps or sleeps. He's never been in it for more than maybe 60 seconds anyway. He still naps and goes to bed perfectly normal. So, I don't think that's an "absolutely yes it does affect your child's sleep", I just think it depends on your kid.
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  • JayandEmmJayandEmm member
    HTOTB, Toddler-ese works wonderfully for us. Tantrums stop immediately. Ignoring his tantrums only made it worse; he would scream all day long, I'm sure. Although, ds is a very determined little man. Just like @theresat858 said, I acknowledge his feeling s in a way he can understand (short sentences) and then offer another alternative to whatever he was wanting.
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  • PseudoMamaPseudoMama member
    DS's tantrums usually stem from him not getting what he wants. I try to explain why he can't have it.

    If he is trying to drive his car down his slide - I say "No - owie (our word for ouch). DANGER" and he gets it. 
    He wanted to go outside but it was freezing and raining. I said "we go later. No outside. Cold!" Too cold!" 

    I just try to break things down into the fewest words possible so he really gets it, and he can see why I am telling him no. I guess what i'm saying is I have to convince him to agree with me. Probably not the best parenting style but whatever, it works:)

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  • amil798amil798 member
    We used to get teary eyes to a stern "NO". But it wouldn't give him clear message. We have been using the redirection method, as mentioned above. I also read this article about toddler tantrums and really liked tip 1, para 3. Coming down to his level and telling him why he can't do something has helped lately. He seems to avoiding the areas he is not supposed to go, or shakes his head NO to where we tell him not to go, or touch!
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  • plus12012plus12012 member
    I always tell DD when she starts to have a tantrum "No, not nice" these are words she uses so I feel she has somewhat of an understanding and I sit her down and walk away. When she's done she usually gets up and runs over to give me a hug.

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