difference of opinion regarding DC

slc63433 · October 2013

Hey all. I just wanted to get some others viewpoints on this issue. It's a hot button in our household. We have a just now 12 week old and I just returned back to work full time. My last four weeks of maternity leave, my MIL was watching DS 2x/week while I worked part time. I had a lot of concerns with this as our schedule wasn't being followed for feeding and sleeping, requests for use of the pacifier weren't being followed. Plus she lives over an hour away so I never saw DS until 1 hour before his bed time. Plus, MIL makes me feel guilty for wanting to work and not be a SAHM for DS, that sending my child to DC is an awful thing--DH doesn't see these things.

So DH and I agreed to trial daycare. Well...DH is greatly opposed to day care, saying he is just not comfortable with it--he would prefer I stay home or MIL watches our little man. He feels that because our son is not extremely talkative, he "is not getting noticed" or that the providers are "short" with my husband at dropoff. DH has stopped in to check on baby 1x and I have called a few times. DS is always happy and doing what the other children are doing. Littleman is always clean, fed and happy when I do pick up. Personally, I do not understand what DH is saying, as hard as I may. We are both on different ends of the spectrum.

So my question--I am not comfortable with a nanny in our home. I am planning to go part time come the new year but want to continue to keep DS in DC part time for socialization, structure and all the benefits. Are there other options for care that we are overlooking? Suggestions for me to look at this differently??

jf198400 · October 2013

I had my mom watch both of my kids in the past. I trust my mom and was very happy when the kids were little. As they got older I was not happy with the nap schedule my mom had them on or the foods she was feeding them. It was putting strain on my relationship with my mom. DC had been great for my kids, they have so much fun there. Since you are already having issues with mil and are happy with the DC, I would keep your LO there. I think your DH will come around to it if he spends more time seeing what they do there. As your LO gets older, he will really benefit from the socialization and education.

aeh72 · October 2013

Have you talked with your husband about why he feels your LO is "not being noticed?" Has he seen an instance where DS has needed some type of attention and was ignored, or is it just his fear that that might happen? If you, personally, are otherwise happy with the DC situation DS is in, I would talk through your husband's concerns more before you switch to another situation. Maybe DH has some questions for daycare that he feels have not been fully answered yet and you could meet with them again to talk through those questions - not in the sense that there are problems but more like, now that we're starting to settle in, we realize there are a few things we'd like some more information about.

Re: daycare being short with him - what does that mean? That they are rude? Or that they only give him a quick rundown of DS's day because they are trying to do the same with other parents picking up/dropping off. Are there things he feels like he's not had the opportunity to ask/tell them?

It sounds like your DH has a bias against DC to begin with so talking through his concerns in more detail and maybe scheduling a time to talk with DC again could help alleviate some of his concerns. And, keep in mind, the concerns might just resolve themselves over time too. When you leave a 12 week old at dacyare, there really isn't a whole lot to their day - you want to know if they ate, how many diapers, what their general mood is, and any anomalies to a normal day. As they get older, you generally start to hear more about the things they are doing during the day because they are actually doing more.

Re: care from your MIL - 1 hour away for daycare seems way too far for my liking. If you were to switch back to her, could she come to your house?

GreenMonkey1 · October 2013

My DH was anti-daycare at the beginning, but we cannot afford for me to stay home (I carry the benefits). We have DS in DC three days a week and with my Mom/MIL the other two. My husband has really softened to DC (our little man is 14 months) and now sees it really is the best option for our family at this point in our lives. So your DH may come around in time when he sees how your son is progressing.

We have problems with MIL watching DS and have had to have several talks with MIL about issues regarding schedule, safety, etc - not minor stuff - things like you cannot leave scissors laying out on a table in the room where an extremely mobile toddler plays. I know moving forward having DS with MIL will not last, we'll see if this arrangement makes it to when we have kiddo #2.

Maybe sit down with DH and both write a pro/con list about DC. Sometimes we just need a stark look at both sides of the coin. I would (personally) ask DH to shut down the guilt trip from MIL regarding you working, that isn't getting anybody anywhere except down a dark path towards a tricky relationship.

jd614 · October 2013

We were in a very similar situation. I had my mom and my MIL watching DS from 15 weeks until about 7 mos. Out of no where my mother in law told us she couldnt watch DS anymore so we started scrambling for alternative care and i was adament about having a nanny. My husband really would prefer day care. We interviewed 4 nannies, who were very qualified, but for one reason or another i just couldnt get comfortable with any of them, and neither could DS. We went to look at 2 day cares and one i just fell in love with and felt comfortable from the start. They email me pictures every day and DS is smiling and laughing in all of them. That is really what sold me (DH was already sold). I think if you are going part time as it is like your husband wants, that should be a good compromise for him to keep your child in day care part time. Then you are appeasing both of you. Another option could be an in home day care, or maybe a nanny share?

Karla CS · October 2013

I think you really need to get down to the nitty gritty and find out some more details about what he feels isn't working. Maybe he needs to take some time from work and spend an hour observing the daily routine at your DCP to get him more comfortable.

Regarding not getting attention because he's not a huge talker, DD has always been relatively quiet unless she's around one of us. I worried she wouldn't get enough attention, and always would tell her that if she has to cry to be held, then she should cry! (And yes, I know she can't understand, but it still made me feel better to tell her.) At the end of the day though, she gets plenty of attention. Most of the time when I pick her up, she's either playing with one of the other kids or being held by one of the DCP's. She's never in the swing (our center only has one, and they rarely use it), and is constantly being engaged. I feel like with my mom or MIL, watching her in either of our houses, the TV would be on constantly, and they wouldn't spend nearly as much time interacting with her.

slc63433 · October 2013

Thanks guys! Lots of perspectives I hadn't thought about.

@aeh72...I think its my husbands fear of DS not getting enough attention. He noticed this AM a little girl crying to her dad about not leaving her because she said the DCP were mean to her--my husband took that to heart. I'm not sure of the circumstances, but know this is another small detail my husband in finding wrong with DC.

In regards to thinking that the DCP were short with him, he feels they just don't talk to him. He doesn't want to call to check up on DS because "they just don't like me." He denies having more questions for the DC and it may just take time.

@greenmonkey1...I've had that conversation with my husband regarding my MIL. She says things when we are alone, away from DH. DH does not believe that her intentions are snarky or that its even inappropriate for her to be asking. Per DH, I should just continue to listen to her suggestions and roll with it; its not meant to make me feel guilty.

But thank you everyone for the suggestions. Sounds like we should just have another good heart to heart conversation about the topic, including MIL. Its just been such a rough road the last 12 weeks as we adjust to parenthood--I dread that conversation AGAIN!

ss265 · October 2013

OP, I think PP have made great suggestions regarding the day care. The only other suggestion I have is that if you do try and explore alternate care, maybe get DH more involved in that process? (if he wasn't involved in the process of picking this DC)

Regarding the MIL comments, to me it sounds like you yourself already feel guilty about not staying at home which is why your MIL comments bother you. There's a thread further down where people have discussed reasons why they actually prefer to work rather than stay at home. Maybe check that out?

TheBorg7of9 · October 2013

I have always thought that it is better to have daycare watch my baby than my MIL. No offense to wonderful grandmothers, but day care providers are more educated and experienced in childhood development than my MIL. Plus, they are up-to-date on how things are done now (for example, no blankets in the crib etc.) Personally, I really do trust a daycare more than an elderly relative to care for my kids. They know what they are doing. Also, you can give them instructions without hearing flack back from them. Finally, her living an hour away would be a deal breaker for me.

slc63433 · October 2013

@ss265 DH was involved from the beginning as we toured multiple facilities. Thank you for your observation of me feeling guilty. I do not feel guilty for working or daycare, and maybe guilty is not the right word. She just irks me in that its not her place. I read that thread about preferring to work--I posted in it--and I agree with a lot of it.

slc63433 · October 2013

I think my MIL does rub off on DH quite a bit. She gave up her career to raise her children and seems to have that mindset as her other DIL's have quit their jobs as well to raise their children. I am not like that and its hard for her to understand that. However, my husband also fell in love with my independence and drive so its hard to see that mindset rub off on him/show up and have that conflict.

But agree wholeheartedly, an hour drive is too far for all of us--especially DS. I do love working and I think DC is the best for little man. And it makes our time together so much more special when I am working. I was so unhappy on maternity leave thinking about diapers and feedings, etc. It's so refreshing to see so much support!

laurakaz13 · October 2013

Wow, really? Daycare has been amazing for us. DD is the most social, happy kid on the planet. She loves her teachers and all her friends there, learns so much, thrives in a creative, fun environment and we're all so happy.

I would never choose older grandparents over the socialization and learning environment DD experiences everyday. I would also never want to be a SAHM, and I couldn't care less what other people's opinions are on the subject.

Maybe you just need to look at other daycares. Of course your LO will not get all the DCP's attention all the time. That's a good thing. It teaches independence. Your DH is being close minded, probably based on his mother's antiquated opinion that you need to SAH b/c you're the woman.

Bottom line, it's none of her business.

GreenMonkey1 · October 2013

@slc63433 If what your MIL is saying to you about working bothers you, then I would recommend you say something. Your DH may be right in that MIL's comments are not meant to be criticisms, but they are obviously bothering you. People do not get a pass to say whatever they want regardless of how someone else feels and just say "well, I'm not trying to be critical". Maybe she is, maybe she isn't - the point is you feel bothered by the comments. It's not like she is getting on your case because you like to eat apples or something else of little weight. She is getting on your case about a decision (likely) you and DH made regarding your career and care for DS. That's kind of a big deal in my books. Like @ClaryPax mentioned, you do not have to say anything that is aggressive, just something to get her to understand the impact of her words.

Lord, I cannot imagine driving an hour to pick up DS from childcare daily! I used to drive an hour one way to work, switched jobs a little over a month ago and it has made a huge difference in terms of my mood. Do you always do the transport for DS to your MIL's or is DH involved?

slc63433 · October 2013

I have said things to my MIL regarding day care or even when I was pregnant regarding breastfeeding and other various issues. It started out me saying, " we will figure out that when the time comes", then I say "I appreciate your input, it's important me to do things this way." Finally, I've had DH talk to her about issues like this but she continues to make comments when no one is around. I don't want to be hurtful or too agressive but I should be more assertive. For example, last weekend, she said to me regarding daycare. "It would be perfect to work two days a week." I replied, "Well, I'd like to work three...". She turned around and said "Well you can work at this hospital, make more money and I will watch DS while you work because its so close to me." and proceeded to say "I would love to watch DS. Right now, the DCP are spending more time with your son than you are. That's so sad." It took everything in me to just smile and ignore the situation. Ignoring is probably the wrong thing to do but when I've been tactful and assertive, then had DH talk to her about it, I'm not sure whta to say. I need to say, "This is our child, this is how we've chosen to raise DS. Thank you for your opinion"

As for when she was watching DS, DH would drop off and pick up. We live outside of DC and I work one hour north of home, DH works 1 hour east. MIL would meet DH at a parking lot to pick up and drop off little man. Half the time she was a half hour late so that would extend my time away from my son.

cecilyandgautam · October 2013

slc63433 said:

I have said things to my MIL regarding day care or even when I was pregnant regarding breastfeeding and other various issues. It started out me saying, " we will figure out that when the time comes", then I say "I appreciate your input, it's important me to do things this way." Finally, I've had DH talk to her about issues like this but she continues to make comments when no one is around. I don't want to be hurtful or too agressive but I should be more assertive. For example, last weekend, she said to me regarding daycare. "It would be perfect to work two days a week." I replied, "Well, I'd like to work three...". She turned around and said "Well you can work at this hospital, make more money and I will watch DS while you work because its so close to me." and proceeded to say "I would love to watch DS. Right now, the DCP are spending more time with your son than you are. That's so sad." It took everything in me to just smile and ignore the situation. Ignoring is probably the wrong thing to do but when I've been tactful and assertive, then had DH talk to her about it, I'm not sure whta to say. I need to say, "This is our child, this is how we've chosen to raise DS. Thank you for your opinion"

As for when she was watching DS, DH would drop off and pick up. We live outside of DC and I work one hour north of home, DH works 1 hour east. MIL would meet DH at a parking lot to pick up and drop off little man. Half the time she was a half hour late so that would extend my time away from my son.

Could you say something along the lines of "I hear what you're saying and I've heard you make similar comments over the past week. I understand that you have this perspective but I don't want this to be ongoing sore point between us. Is there anything else you'd like me to hear on this subject before we can wrap it up for good?" Then give her the opportunity to say whatever else she has to say on the matter, acknowledge that you hear what she's saying, and you're so glad she's gotten it off her chest so that you two can now move onto more pleasant topics. Then don't tolerate any more of it.

slc63433 · October 2013

Absolutely! It's worth a shot.

aeh72 · October 2013

slc63433 said:

I have said things to my MIL regarding day care or even when I was pregnant regarding breastfeeding and other various issues. It started out me saying, " we will figure out that when the time comes", then I say "I appreciate your input, it's important me to do things this way." Finally, I've had DH talk to her about issues like this but she continues to make comments when no one is around. I don't want to be hurtful or too agressive but I should be more assertive. For example, last weekend, she said to me regarding daycare. "It would be perfect to work two days a week." I replied, "Well, I'd like to work three...". She turned around and said "Well you can work at this hospital, make more money and I will watch DS while you work because its so close to me." and proceeded to say "I would love to watch DS. Right now, the DCP are spending more time with your son than you are. That's so sad." It took everything in me to just smile and ignore the situation. Ignoring is probably the wrong thing to do but when I've been tactful and assertive, then had DH talk to her about it, I'm not sure whta to say. I need to say, "This is our child, this is how we've chosen to raise DS. Thank you for your opinion"

As for when she was watching DS, DH would drop off and pick up. We live outside of DC and I work one hour north of home, DH works 1 hour east. MIL would meet DH at a parking lot to pick up and drop off little man. Half the time she was a half hour late so that would extend my time away from my son.

Ironic that she's also keeping you from spending time with your son.

Seriously, though, I was so angry for you when I read her quote about DCP spending more time with your son. It sounds like you are not going to change her opinion about what you should be doing but for the sake of peace in the family, you may need to let certain things roll off, but that comment is not one I would ignore. Do you feel you could ever say something to her like, "I know you don't agree with all the choices DH and I have made for our family, but comments about DC spending more time with my child than I do are hurtful and seem to serve no purpose other than to try and make me feel bad. I would appreciate it if you would not make comments like that to me in the future." (And, then, if you wanted to stick it to her, point out that she too contributes to the lack of time you get to spend with your child when she is late dropping him off!).

laurakaz13 · October 2013

Nicb13 said:

slc63433 said:

Hey all. I just wanted to get some others viewpoints on this issue. It's a hot button in our household. We have a just now 12 week old and I just returned back to work full time. My last four weeks of maternity leave, my MIL was watching DS 2x/week while I worked part time. I had a lot of concerns with this as our schedule wasn't being followed for feeding and sleeping, requests for use of the pacifier weren't being followed. Plus she lives over an hour away so I never saw DS until 1 hour before his bed time. Plus, MIL makes me feel guilty for wanting to work and not be a SAHM for DS, that sending my child to DC is an awful thing--DH doesn't see these things.

So DH and I agreed to trial daycare. Well...DH is greatly opposed to day care, saying he is just not comfortable with it--he would prefer I stay home or MIL watches our little man. He feels that because our son is not extremely talkative, he "is not getting noticed" or that the providers are "short" with my husband at dropoff. DH has stopped in to check on baby 1x and I have called a few times. DS is always happy and doing what the other children are doing. Littleman is always clean, fed and happy when I do pick up. Personally, I do not understand what DH is saying, as hard as I may. We are both on different ends of the spectrum.

So my question--I am not comfortable with a nanny in our home. I am planning to go part time come the new year but want to continue to keep DS in DC part time for socialization, structure and all the benefits. Are there other options for care that we are overlooking? Suggestions for me to look at this differently??

How talkative can a 12 week old baby be?

Um, what? I didn't even notice this part. Yeah OP, 12 week old babies don't talk much. They cry sometimes, but that would be it. Your husband is being unreasonable and your MIL is being a B****!!!

mommymegan831 · October 2013

I didn't read through everything, but I'm not really comfortable with DC for infants either. I stayed home with both my kids for the 1st 6 months. My 1st went to a sitter until she was 2 where it was just her and one other kid. I wanted her to socialize more and I couldn't afford a sitter for 2, so I had to put them both in daycare when I went back after DS. I felt that atleast at 6 months he could keep his head up so he could play in an exasauce or at the table. He could also eat some table food and hold a bottle, so he wasn't totally reliant on someone else for everything. Honestly I think 1 person in charge of 4 infants (which is the ratio in most places) is not good enough. I'm sure most moms who have quadruplets have help for the 1st 6 months. Daycare was certainly not as bad as I feared, but DS has gotten sick alot more than DD ever did. Now that he's 1 1/2 I see him around the other kids, but its still mostly the kids playing around one another, not really with each other, although he does play with his sister at home so maybe there's more interactions than I see.

You have to do what's best for your family and works for you and your DH. If I were in your shoes I'd SAH, but I just don't really feel comfortable with babies in daycare and don't think they really benefit from it until probably 2. There are plenty of opportunities to socialize at the park, library, mommy and me, ect.

emberlee3 · October 2013

I would be pi$$ed at those comments and the expectation that the mother is the only parent who should make career sacrifices. Good for you for being civil up to this point. Why can't your DH stay home or cut back his days, if he and his mom are the ones who think that is so important?

I do agree with PPs about having a heart-to-heart with your DH about these issues. He is ultimately the only person besides you who has a say in who cares for your son, and it's important to be on the same page.

FWIW, I worked 80 hours/week when DS was a baby. There are 168 hours in a week, he was only in daycare for 40-50 hrs/week, so no, his teachers did not spend more time with him than his parents. Those types of comments really get my goat

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