A technical question on blending family

bakingkitty · October 2013

Back Story: I have a 1 year old girl whose father has nothing to do with her. I had my iud put in this past decmember and have been seeing a guy since april.

Fast Forward: I recently found out I am pregnant and we are in the decision process of what to do and finding out if this is, indeed, a viable pregnancy. We can't figure out how to blending our family together would work. Obviously, I have my child and now would have his child. We cannot get out of his lease to move into a bigger apartment together (he has a mere 500 sq ft bachelor pad) so how would visitation work? I am in a 2 bedroom apartment approximately 4 miles away. He has no children from any other relationship and this would be my second.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

+just+j+ · October 2013

However you want it to. What do you do now? Why would it change? So you pay on the "bachelor pad" until the lease is up and then move in together, buy a house, whatever.

Can he sublease it?

I guess I don't understand if you're dating why you're concerned about "visitation"? Are you broke up? If that's the case - lawyer up and work out a Court Ordered visitation/co-parenting plan. Family lawyers are experts at walking you thru everything.

ambrvan · October 2013

I am unclear about what you are asking?

Are you and BD2 together currently? You said BD1 has nothing to do with your child, so I am assuming when you mentioned visitation, you mean between future LO and BD2?

If this is what you are asking, I would think the best thing to do is just continue life as normal. Perhaps he can sub-lease his apartment if moving in together is, indeed, what you want to do. Otherwise, more overnights at your place to help once baby arrives. If you don't think this relationship is for the long haul, I would still implement a CO with 50/50 custody and visitation. That way if things go south, you have something to go by and it protects all parties (you, BD, and baby) if you suddenly have a blow up fight and someone thinks they are going to try to withhold the child or abscond with them.

If you and BD2 have a good relationship and you can see him being a RESPONSIBLE father (responsible as a father regardless of your personal feelings for him), then I see no reason not to agree to 50/50 legal and physical custody. If you believe he will be less than responsible and not deserve 50/50, then I would assume you would not want to continue an intimate relationship with him.

Also, good luck with everything as far as pregnancy goes. I also have an IUD, and I can't imagine finding out that I'm pregnant (I know two people who have gone through that) and then worrying about whether or not the pregnancy is healthy.

Wahoo · October 2013

A lot of this depends on your relationship....if you are still together, if you see yourself having a future together.

When is his lease up? You do realize that you will be pregnant for several months before you give birth, right? And that a newborn can sleep in your room while it is young, and your children can share a room, even if your second is a boy, for a year or so. So you have plenty of time before you need to worry about more space in your apt.

If you do not plan on being with BD2, there is no reason an infant can't be in his apt. while it is young...provided you are not nursing. After a while, you can even pump breast milk and send it over with BD2.

bakingkitty · October 2013

He has 14 month more on his lease. These are more his questions than mine. I get what he is saying by not wanting to pay for an apartment that he is not staying at. I know that he is confused (which is confusing me) about his role in my child's life. We haven't had this talk because it was not something that had to fully come up yet. I know that he will be a good father and I know that he wants to have children. I guess I don't know how blending families work. This is my first time dealing with any of this.

Nineoceans · October 2013

From the very sparse details you have given it sounds like he does not want to "blend" with you.

He's "stuck" and can't live with you because he doesn't want to pay rent on an apartment he's not living in so instead of subletting or breaking his lease hes just going to continue to live separately. Does that make sense to you? He doesn't want to be a family with you.

You need to slow down. Two kids under two is a lot for any relationship to withstand. Even strong, stable married couples who have known each other for decades struggle with life with two very small kids. I cannot even imagine what two people who have only been dating for 6 months will fare through something like this.

If I were you I would see an attorney to be sure your child support documents are ready and be prepared to be a single mom of two very little kids.

SimpleJane · October 2013

Honestly, it sounds like he is confused and doesn't necessarily want to jump into living together and playing family.

Talk to him as things progress and see what he thinks visitation should look like. Does he want to stay in this relationship and just sleep over most nights at your place? It doesnt sound like he does.

Consult a lawyer. Its usually free. They can give you good advice on what to get in order just in case.

Amores0121 · October 2013

How far along are you? Do you have a history of loss, since you are talking about if this is a viable pregnancy or do you say that b/c of the IUD?

bebe11 · October 2013

Have you seen a doctor yet? I would honestly wait and find out about your pregnancy before you stress about living situations.

If it came down to it, most apartments will allow you to break a lease, sure they might be a fee involved but it can be done.

+just+j+ · October 2013

Can I make a recommendation? Don't move in with him, or marry him until you both know for sure you are good together. Don't do it just because you have a child together, but you should however work on a schedule or plan for you to share care and him spending significant time with you and the baby to bond.

I don't think it's such a bad idea for him to keep his apartment as long as he doesn't completely bail on you as a parent and a partner. But if after a year, you find that you two just don't work...you both aren't stuck in a difficult living situation.

Yes, it sucks he has 14 months on his lease and he'll be paying for something he isn't in, but I say sublease it, and see where you're at in a year.

As far as where he fits in your first born....he should ease into it if he's feeling overwhelmed. But if you two are serious and he really does love you and see a long term. possibly permenant, marriage type relationship, start working on his taking over the daddy role and parenting her as well.

EarthandFire · October 2013

I think Bebe11 makes a good point about seeing a doctor before you start stressing. Once you do that, if I were you my first step would be to look at your relationship with BF. Get a solid bearing on where it is and where it is going without LO factored in. I wouldn't try to rush anything because LO is coming. You don't want DD to get attached then lose him. I would sit down and discuss expectations on how LO will be raised and look at some finances together. Probably not all this at once but as you can. Though your romantic and parental relationships are not mutually dependent they aren't independent either. You can co parent however without being romantic. I think not having a solid foundation for your romantic relationship can make it harder later if you stay together. You shouldn't force a commitment between you and BF either of you aren't ready for. He'll have commitments to LO but let your romantic relationship grow naturally without rushing it.

Logistics: Look into sub-leasing his place. Then you know when you're ready to live together, which doesn't have to be now, what your options are. Assuming you're in the first trimester, he could have as little as 5 mo left on his lease by the time LO arrives.
Most states have standard visitation scheduled. If two parents get along and are in a relationship a CO isn't necessary BUT it may be better to set one up if you're unmarried while you're getting along rather than waiting in case your relationship becomes irreconcilable. You can always exceed the CO's specifications. BF could visit every night if you want. Without a CO it's really up to the agreement you both come to and what works for your family.

twister22 · October 2013

Nineoceans said:

From the very sparse details you have given it sounds like he does not want to "blend" with you. He's "stuck" and can't live with you because he doesn't want to pay rent on an apartment he's not living in so instead of subletting or breaking his lease hes just going to continue to live separately. Does that make sense to you? He doesn't want to be a family with you. You need to slow down. Two kids under two is a lot for any relationship to withstand. Even strong, stable married couples who have known each other for decades struggle with life with two very small kids. I cannot even imagine what two people who have only been dating for 6 months will fare through something like this. If I were you I would see an attorney to be sure your child support documents are ready and be prepared to be a single mom of two very little kids.

From what little we have to go on, it unfortunately sounds like Nineoceans is right.

First and foremost, find out if this is a viable pregnancy. If it is, you and BD2 need to sit down and map out what you see your future looking like. What are BD2's expectations? Does he just want to visit LO a couple times a week? Does he want LO half of the time with overnights? Somewhere in between? Does he see you guys staying together?

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