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Freaking out *Vent*

jazelisejazelise member
in 3rd Trimester
I've lived in Seattle pretty much my entire life. My closest family members are here, my friends are here, Im comfortable here.
I had my daughter (from previous relationship) here and my family has been in her life since day one.
My fiance and I met here. He doesnt have any family except his dads side of the family who he rarely has contact with except for his aunt.
He was sent here when he was a teenager from Arizona because he was leading a horrible lifestyle there. He continued this life style till he met me.
He's 22. So he's been away from his mom, sister, brother and grandparents (those closest to him) for about 4 or 5 years. 
We get married in 2 weeks. And we're expecting our first child together in Dec 2013.
He wants to move to Colorado where his mom, sister and brother are. Mind you, he and his moms husband do not even get along.
I understand he wants to be closer to his mom, and wants her in our sons life, but why do I need to abandon my family, my friends, my whole support system?
My daughters father would never agree to us moving so it would be a nasty fight between he and I. 
But that aside. I just dont think its a good idea to move. Everything I know is here. I know ill be unhappy there but it seems he is trying to guilt trip me into moving. We wont be moving for a while because Im not picking up and moving while pregnant or while our baby is a newborn. 
Why do I need to separate my daughter from my family who she has strong relationships with?
Right now its just an argument. And I dont think he's being very fair. 
What do I do? :( 
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Re: Freaking out *Vent*

  • kujess1kujess1 member
    I think if I were in that situation I would say hell to the no.
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  • VegasGal1978VegasGal1978 member
    I agree with PP, you need to communicate and not let it build to an arguement. Every relationship will require communication and sometimes compromise. Listen to his side and try to understand where he is coming from. He should also listen to yours. In the end you should make the decision that is best for everyone, not just one of you. Good luck.
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  • bargainbabe75bargainbabe75 member
    I agree with everyone else. There's plenty of time for rational discussion and keep that communication going. Just one tiny little question which might be worth thinking about a little though. Why would you have the right to be surrounded by your family but not him?  

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  • lilybeth12lilybeth12 member
    are there any financial reasons for his argument, yours?  For us, moving closer to my family would mean a complete change of culture (liberal-> conservative) and fewer career options.  Even if I wanted to those two things would mean it's a non starter.  
    It may help to calm things down if you take it away from the emotional (his family vs yours) and into the logical.  
    honestly, i grew up far from family on both sides, but the gps that made an effort calling and visiting were still very present in my life.  I think you could also find people on this board who live close to family, but hardly see them.  proximity =/= presence.  
    we're looking forward to skyping with my parents and grandparents often, the addition of video is awesome.
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  • aessary03aessary03 member
    Um I'd tell him hell no. If he was leading such a horrible life down there, why would he want to go back to it? Can his family come for a visit? I'd encourage that instead. Moving sounds like a really bad idea. Mostly for you.
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  • jazelisejazelise member
    bargainbabe75 said:
    I agree with everyone else. There's plenty of time for rational discussion and keep that communication going. Just one tiny little question which might be worth thinking about a little though. Why would you have the right to be surrounded by your family but not him?  
    That is my whole dilemma. I want us to be near his family. They are amazing supportive people. He wasn't considering the battle in court my daughters father and I would have to go through. He said, and I quote, "That's not my problem". Which made the discussion much more heated than it was before. The problem isn't that I don't want him to be surrounded by his family, I just would like him to think about the steps it would take to get there. Money, a place and new job. The battle in court. Our newborn. His young step daughter (my daughter) 
    All he thinks about is "lets up and move" but not what it takes to move to another state. ya know. 
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  • Liz4444Liz4444 member
    jazelise said:
    bargainbabe75 said:
    I agree with everyone else. There's plenty of time for rational discussion and keep that communication going. Just one tiny little question which might be worth thinking about a little though. Why would you have the right to be surrounded by your family but not him?  
    That is my whole dilemma. I want us to be near his family. They are amazing supportive people. He wasn't considering the battle in court my daughters father and I would have to go through. He said, and I quote, "That's not my problem". Which made the discussion much more heated than it was before. The problem isn't that I don't want him to be surrounded by his family, I just would like him to think about the steps it would take to get there. Money, a place and new job. The battle in court. Our newborn. His young step daughter (my daughter) 
    All he thinks about is "lets up and move" but not what it takes to move to another state. ya know. 

    By marrying you, these things are becoming "his problem". I could understand his position if you both had no other responsibilities, however, that's not the case. You can be told by the courts that you can't move, what is he going to do then? Move without you?
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  • jazelisejazelise member
    Liz4444 said:
    jazelise said:
    bargainbabe75 said:
    I agree with everyone else. There's plenty of time for rational discussion and keep that communication going. Just one tiny little question which might be worth thinking about a little though. Why would you have the right to be surrounded by your family but not him?  
    That is my whole dilemma. I want us to be near his family. They are amazing supportive people. He wasn't considering the battle in court my daughters father and I would have to go through. He said, and I quote, "That's not my problem". Which made the discussion much more heated than it was before. The problem isn't that I don't want him to be surrounded by his family, I just would like him to think about the steps it would take to get there. Money, a place and new job. The battle in court. Our newborn. His young step daughter (my daughter) 
    All he thinks about is "lets up and move" but not what it takes to move to another state. ya know. 

    By marrying you, these things are becoming "his problem". I could understand his position if you both had no other responsibilities, however, that's not the case. You can be told by the courts that you can't move, what is he going to do then? Move without you?
    When he said that, my hormones took over and instead of explaining the repercussions so he would understand, I blew up. Later, after I calmed down we talked again and he said he understood where I was coming from and said he would very much support me in going to court for that request, and would stand by me through whatever decision was made about moving my daughter. He knows I would never move without her if the judge disapproved. 

    I also had to remind him what he was getting himself into when making the choice to be with me since I was a two for one package. My daughters father wasnt in the pic so I know how frustrating it is for him that we have to take into consideration the now court ordered parenting plan between he and I.

    BrittAnnie19- I agree he can be very childish. He is younger, hasn't been in a long term relationship before me, and I have a daughter so it was a lot to deal with all at once. Thats no excuse for his immature response. Though, he is an amazing man, he's great with my daughter and I have no doubts he will be amazing with our son. His parenting is nothing I am worried about or if he'll be a good husband. He provides for us and makes us very happy. We're secure and have a great relationship.
    I feel as though his stressful work situation may be the main factor in how he reacted. We live in WA so the weather sucks 90% of the time. 
    After our argument, sitting down and weighing our options really helped the situation. We decided we would first address the main issue, court for the parenting plan and he was very supportive of that.

    Thank you all for your honest views. It really does help to get on here and vent
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  • jazelisejazelise member
    lilybeth12 said:
    are there any financial reasons for his argument, yours?  For us, moving closer to my family would mean a complete change of culture (liberal-> conservative) and fewer career options.  Even if I wanted to those two things would mean it's a non starter.  
    It may help to calm things down if you take it away from the emotional (his family vs yours) and into the logical.  
    honestly, i grew up far from family on both sides, but the gps that made an effort calling and visiting were still very present in my life.  I think you could also find people on this board who live close to family, but hardly see them.  proximity =/= presence.  
    we're looking forward to skyping with my parents and grandparents often, the addition of video is awesome.
    Changing jobs and finding a place out there would be added stress to having a young daughter and newborn. I brought that to his attention and he admitted he was only thinking of the basics, being near his family. 
    It'd take a few years just to prepare to move. Finding new jobs, a place, schools for my tot, a supportive group of friends since I know no one out there. It'd be a long process, and he realizes we aren't ready to focus on wanting to move.

    Skype is definitely a good idea and we've made arrangements to do so more often. 
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  • zou bisouzou bisou member
    Right now you have option A - stay put or option B - move.  Shift your mindset out of that.  Think of options C, D, or E as compromises.  For instance, if he wants more time with family, plan out trips to Colorado often as reasonable for you or just him and baby.  Or make arrangements for his family to visit you.  Plan Skype calls.  Just keep thinking up alternatives.
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  • orijinaleorijinale member
    Sounds like he is running from an inner issue that he isn't talking to you about. If you will be his wife in December, he should be doing whatever it takes to make you happy not telling you that your family situations dont matter. My question is did he say that or is that what you heard? Anyway, ask questions. Probe his head. You will have to find the REAL root of his issues because something in the milk ain't white.
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  • greenmama2013greenmama2013 member
    Don't do it! Stay with your support system--you're going to need it with a new baby.
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  • RachelvanmidRachelvanmid member

    That is asking a LOT for you and your daughter.  I don't know the situation with your daughter's father, how involved he is, or anything, but you need to think about long term also.  Depending on the custody situation, that could mean sending your daughter to WA to spend the summer with her dad.  Would you be prepared to do that?  A custody battle in court is ugly and it can hurt the kids.  His comment of "not my problem" not matter how frustrated/stressed, should be a red flag to straighten out before either of you move ahead. 

    When I married my husband, we were both under the same understanding that his daughter from a previous relationship, would be just as involved in our family as our biological children would be in the future.  She shares time between our home, and his ex's.  While she is young, unless some drastic career opportunity came up that would benefit our family, OUR family would come first... including her.  We have committed to staying in our area to raise our family, including her.  When we got married and I became a step-parent, I committed to her also, and her "problems" would now be mine also.  Every family is different, but don't jump into anything without being certain of the long term consequences. 

    Court is ugly, and it's great he wants to "support you going to court".... It is usually most difficult for you and your daughter and he is asking a lot for you 2 to go through that for his desire to be by his mom.  There are compromises without uprooting your daughter so quickly.

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  • janeneojaneneo member

    My only question, is his relationship with his Mom as an adult, more important than your daughter's relationship with her dad while she is still growing up...?  He had is Mom when he was a kid, she won't have her Dad.

    I think the answer lays with the quality of Dad she has, and if he has the ability to be a loving, supportive, role model.

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