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My new philosophy

SusanH.SusanH. member
in Blended Families

I am the step mother of a 20 year old. He is in college and his father and I are footing the bill for it .  (not complaining)

We no longer pay CS.  When we did, BM told us she would need 1/2 of co-pays for dr. (our half 12.50) when she took him. We never asked her for half when we took him.. Fine...whatever....

Well, now that he is off to college apparently he is  "ours'.  She pays for nothing. Not even a text book. No dr. bills - and those are racking up since he injured his foot.

I have decided this:  He is "my" child.  If I had given birth to him, we'd be paying his bills, so I will just pretend she doesn't exist.  It is working for me so far.

At some point in time- and I really think it has arrived- my son will realize who he can count on. 

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Re: My new philosophy

  • Lavender PLavender P member
    First, simply paying for things does not make someone a parent. Second, your SS is 20 and legally an adult. BM is not required to pay for him or support him, and maybe she doesn't have the means to. I think if she can help and doesn't that is crappy, but that is her choice. Just like you and DH are choosing to pay for college and books. You can't get upset that BM made a different choice then you. Supporting a child who is now an adult is not an obligation. I think it is great your SS has you and DH to help out but I don't think that turns you into a martyr.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • CFjo2010CFjo2010 member
    Lavender P said:
    First, simply paying for things does not make someone a parent. Second, your SS is 20 and legally an adult. BM is not required to pay for him or support him, and maybe she doesn't have the means to. I think if she can help and doesn't that is crappy, but that is her choice. Just like you and DH are choosing to pay for college and books. You can't get upset that BM made a different choice then you. Supporting a child who is now an adult is not an obligation. I think it is great your SS has you and DH to help out but I don't think that turns you into a martyr.

    This.  Especially the bolded.

    DH and I pay for K's insurance, co-pays, extra dental work not covered by insurance, etc.  That doesn't make BM any less of a mother.  It just means her priorities are screwed up.  BM is completely hands-off when it comes to K's healthcare and doesn't take her to any Dr appts or dental appts.  Again BM is still K's mother, just a mother with messed up priorities.

    That being said, you are in fact a parental figure to SS.  I think it's great that you and DH are able to support SS and make sure that his healthcare needs are met.  But you would still be a parental figure even if you weren't footing all the bills.
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  • IlumineIlumine member
    Uhm  seriously?  You are squabbing over a grown ass adult?  

    YOU decided to pay for his college and medical expenses.  Just like it was YOUR choice to not ask for repayment of those medical co-pays.  

    Personally, I do not believe in paying for the college expenses of my children (step or bio).  I am a pragmatist; it doesnt make sense to put my ONLY 20 year in the future retirement finances in jeapordy when my children have 50+ years to pay off those debts. 

    Or maybe she doesn't have the money to pay for his expenses right now.  

    Or maybe she knows something about HER son and his abilities that makes her believe that his education is not such a sure bet.  

    Or maybe she is sitting there laughing her ass off over YOUR need to play martyr over a 20 yo man.  

    Whatever the reason for HER behavior, the question is, why are YOU so upset over this. 
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  • cole2144cole2144 member
    Maybe his mother is trying to teach him to take responsibility for himself. Maybe she is trying to teach him to be a man, which is what he is now.
    No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
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  • JessH1474JessH1474 member
    I don't mean for this to sound harsh at all b/c I think it's awesome that you are helping him through college, but at some point your SS has to realize the HE has to step up and take responsibility for himself.  I defintely understand trying to help him out if he has a serious medical condition that requires ongoing medical care, but if it's just taking care of copays and such when he's sick or needs to see a Dr, there's really no reason he can't pay these on his own.  This is the approach we plan to take with our kids, we will help as we can, but it shouldn't be expected at that age. He's defintely old enough to make his own money and help out with his own expenses, if not pay for them completely. 
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    If you have the means to pay for his college tuition - FANTASTIC.  I think it's great. And great for BM too.  Whatever your husband paid for child support - I GUARANTEE YOU, did not cover all of her expenses. 

    I think she's entitled to sit back and take a break and as a previous poster stated, please allow her son to become a man and learn to take care of himself. Try not to hinder that too much or he'll be expecting you to continue to pay his way when he's 30.  Trust me.  I just unloaded an XH and 2 ungrateful adult ex stepchildren (one early 20's, one damn near 30 at the time) who thought it was our job to pay their way in life and put a roof over their head so I know how easily this can be assumed and taken advantage of by kids and young adults these days in this generation of entitled brats.

    Please allow your stepson to become a man and learn to take care of his own bills and life.  

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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