Am I being pouty or is she being rude?

fmb2011 · September 2013

Long story short, I told my MIL I'd love to throw SIL a baby shower, she said great and suggested it be a surprise at SIL's house. Ok, I think a surprise at her house is weird but if that's what she thinks would make her happiest, I'll work with it. Two days later, SIL starts a "baby shower" board on Pinterest and ten minutes after that, Ml calls and tells me "etiquette says we shouldn't surprise an expecting momma so I told her and you can talk to her about the shower now". So I text SIL with "hey, no planning your own shower

I got this, we'll have fun" blah blah then she comes back with I need to see your ideas so I can approve them. WTF? So I explained to her in my experience the person being showered doesn't help out or do anything and I wanted to throw this party for her not with her. So she told me thanks for he offer and declined. I'm so bothered/hurt by this. Should I just have shown her what I was thinking of? Or is she really the spoiled brat I felt like she was acting like demanding to know what I planned?

lexusolsen · September 2013

Approve them? Yeah no. You handled it fine. I would try not to take it personally. Think of all the time, money, and headache she saved you. It seems like she would I have made the whole process difficult.

julie1122 · September 2013

This is totally not you. She is a acting like a controlling brat no offense. I could never imagine saying that to my host. You are in the right. Accept her decline. Less headaches for you!

EastCoastBride · September 2013

While I see nothing wrong w/ the hostess running basic ideas by the MTB just to make sure the overall "vibe" is what they want - I think you dodged a bullet here. For her to expect "approval" rights for a party YOU are throwing on YOUR dime.... um, no.

This is such an entitled attitude that really has reared it's ugly head in recent years.

KatFCo · September 2013

While I would have run some things by the MTB, I think any woman that uses the word "approval" is going to be a major pain. I think you have a right to be hurt that she was so rude, but spend your time thanking your lucky stars you got out of it early.

I bet you anything she ends up throwing her own shower, with or without someone else as a front.

EastCoastBride · September 2013

Maybe she'll come here and post about how her SIL offered a shower but refused to give her approval, so she said no. We'd set her straight...

fmb2011 · September 2013

I'm so glad you ladies agree with me! I did have one theme in mind that I showed my MIL but after talking to SIL (doing the sneaky investigative work to start planning) I found my original ideas wouldn't have been her style, no big deal I just started looking for other things that matched what she had talked about. And they were things that she ended up pinning to her baby shower board coincidentally but I still didn't want to "run things by her for her approval". There is no doubt in my mind she will throw her own shower. She did her bridal shower and used her friend as a front and it was awful. My SIL was basically walking this girl through the party telling her how to play the games. I felt embarrassed for her but I don't think it ever occurred to her how bad that looked. I think my disappointment comes more from the fact I don't have any sisters or close girlfriends but I love party planning so I felt like this was my one big opportunity to throw a nice party for my "sister".

fmb2011 · September 2013

Sorry, bumping from my iPad...that last post looks awful. I swear I had paragraphs!

mcgeeva · September 2013

Wow what a princess. Forget that consider yourself lucky your done with her shower. She is rude and doesn't deserve a shower at that. Let someone else deal with her PITA self.

RibbitGrl930 · September 2013

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were exactly right in that the MTB should not be active in the planning of her own shower, save the hostess asking for occasional input like her favorite foods or such. She is a brat for expecting approval rights. I'd say you dodged a bullet.

notkateanymore · September 2013

She's a brat. Be happy she declined.

deltagirl79 · September 2013

I agree, you dodged a bullet. She sounds like a total brat.

BallSox · September 2013

"Oh, I'm sorry you don't want me to throw a party in your honor, but thanks for saving me the time, hassle and expense of doing so!"

What a tool. (Her, not you)

Meery82 · September 2013

Ditto to all PPs. She's ridiculous.

Michelle N · September 2013

you should suggest she come visit the baby shower board on the bump for some help planning

neverblushed · September 2013

Wow -- your SIL has no idea how this works, does she! No wonder you're upset! I think you have 2 options here, and which you choose depends on your relationship with your ILs.

1. The gentle, diplomatic way: Let your MIL know, in very neutral terms, what your SIL said. Suggest that since SIL has a specific vision for what she wants her shower to be, maybe it would be better if the two of them plan it. If you are still feeling like you want to participate at all, offer to pay for the cake or something. If both MIL and SIL are clueless about etiquette, then they can plan it together and you're basically off the hook. If MIL understands SIL's blunder, it'll be up to her to set her daughter straight.

2. The more blunt, brutal way: Tell your SIL that since she clearly knows what she wants and has a specific vision, that you'll be happy to back out and let her and her mom plan it. I'm sure something will come up in your life on that day that will prevent you from attending, but you'll send a nice gift along with your MIL.

ETA -- I misread the OP. I didn't realize she declined you throwing the shower! Wow! Yes -- bullet dodged.

MrsLillyG · September 2013

what a brat.

cinderin · September 2013

Be thankful she declined.

SparkySharky · September 2013

Funny. I had this exact same scenario with my SIL. Three of us offered to throw her shower, but she insisted on throwing it herself b/c she wanted complete control.

What's also funny is that she hosted my baby shower and after initially asking for my help and input, she decided she didn't want any feedback at all. Not that she said this. After the 3rd email (and several hours of my time working on the things we'd discussed) of "Oh, did we talk about that? I don't remember" - I got the hint. She ended up throwing the exact same shower for me that she threw for herself. Not that I can complain - good company, good food, and in the end - GREAT BABY!

P.S. At her shower, I got my first brush of filling out my own thank you envelope and witnessed the baby clothesline request (which is the one thing I asked that she not do for mine).

Stffhappns · September 2013

SparkySharky said:

Funny. I had this exact same scenario with my SIL. Three of us offered to throw her shower, but she insisted on throwing it herself b/c she wanted complete control.

What's also funny is that she hosted my baby shower and after initially asking for my help and input, she decided she didn't want any feedback at all. Not that she said this. After the 3rd email (and several hours of my time working on the things we'd discussed) of "Oh, did we talk about that? I don't remember" - I got the hint. She ended up throwing the exact same shower for me that she threw for herself. Not that I can complain - good company, good food, and in the end - GREAT BABY!

P.S. At her shower, I got my first brush of filling out my own thank you envelope and witnessed the baby clothesline request (which is the one thing I asked that she not do for mine).

What is a baby clothesline?

And OP, yes she's being rude.

MMason12 · September 2013

What a total bitch frankly. You shouldn't have to approve anything with her when you are hosting the shower and if she declined your shower than so be it. Watch her host her own shower, which I would refuse to attend.

SparkySharky · September 2013

Stffhappns said:

SparkySharky said:

Funny. I had this exact same scenario with my SIL. Three of us offered to throw her shower, but she insisted on throwing it herself b/c she wanted complete control.

What's also funny is that she hosted my baby shower and after initially asking for my help and input, she decided she didn't want any feedback at all. Not that she said this. After the 3rd email (and several hours of my time working on the things we'd discussed) of "Oh, did we talk about that? I don't remember" - I got the hint. She ended up throwing the exact same shower for me that she threw for herself. Not that I can complain - good company, good food, and in the end - GREAT BABY!

P.S. At her shower, I got my first brush of filling out my own thank you envelope and witnessed the baby clothesline request (which is the one thing I asked that she not do for mine).

What is a baby clothesline?

And OP, yes she's being rude.

You ask everyone to bring baby clothing for the baby clothesline in addition to the "real" baby shower gift. It's often requested in a poem on the invite.

fmb2011 · September 2013

Thanks everyone! I am feeling much better about the situation and agree I have certainly dodged a bullet on this! Especially considering if I hadn't planned it to her exact specifications I can only imagine the back lash! I'll let her throw her own party

RibbitGrl930 · September 2013

SparkySharky said:

Stffhappns said:

SparkySharky said:

Funny. I had this exact same scenario with my SIL. Three of us offered to throw her shower, but she insisted on throwing it herself b/c she wanted complete control.

What's also funny is that she hosted my baby shower and after initially asking for my help and input, she decided she didn't want any feedback at all. Not that she said this. After the 3rd email (and several hours of my time working on the things we'd discussed) of "Oh, did we talk about that? I don't remember" - I got the hint. She ended up throwing the exact same shower for me that she threw for herself. Not that I can complain - good company, good food, and in the end - GREAT BABY!

P.S. At her shower, I got my first brush of filling out my own thank you envelope and witnessed the baby clothesline request (which is the one thing I asked that she not do for mine).

What is a baby clothesline?

And OP, yes she's being rude.

You ask everyone to bring baby clothing for the baby clothesline in addition to the "real" baby shower gift. It's often requested in a poem on the invite.

Holy crap, seriously? Are these also the showers where another cute poem asks them to bring a book instead of a card?

I just can't... 8-|

blondolphn · September 2013

My friend is doing this. I offered to help (she wants her shower right after I pop my kid out so kind of limited on hosting abilities), but she is taking everything over in her own hands. Fine. Spend your own money when you can't afford your own baby stuff...

Unknown · September 2013

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Stffhappns · September 2013

@ sparkysharky Oh em gee... I can't believe that people do that!

linzerd · September 2013

Definitely spoiled brat control freak and pretty bitchy thing to do.

kristal2012 · September 2013

SparkySharky said:
You ask everyone to bring baby clothing for the baby clothesline in addition to the "real" baby shower gift. It's often requested in a poem on the invite.

That's horrible. I keep waiting for shower hostesses like this to start assigning guests a specific gift to purchase from the registry. You know, under some cutesy "Don't make me p*ssed, let's complete this list! " directive.

normandyn7 · October 2013

kristal2012 said:

SparkySharky said:
You ask everyone to bring baby clothing for the baby clothesline in addition to the "real" baby shower gift. It's often requested in a poem on the invite.

That's horrible. I keep waiting for shower hostesses like this to start assigning guests a specific gift to purchase from the registry. You know, under some cutesy "Don't make me p*ssed, let's complete this list! " directive.

Wow. I just said in another post about how I am invited to a shower this weekend and they are doing the diaper raffle and the bring a book instead of a card thing. I'm surprised they aren't doing this too. Oh and the girl is having twins. We had a clothesline at my shower but the host bought the clothes to put on it and it was more for decoration than anything.

girlmama83 · October 2013

Woah. Your SIL sounds like a control freak. I wouldn't be hurt, I would be relieved to not be the one to have to deal with her now

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