How are your in laws?

bebe11 · October 2013

I've had constant struggles with my in laws, including my H's brother's and their wives.

A little backstory for me, about 6 months after I got married my H and I went through a rough patch. It was mostly defining boundaries where we struggled the most, and of course communication. Before I moved into my H's house, he didn't care who came and went, and I think everyone in his family (and BM#1) had a key to the house. I am more of a call me before you stop by kind of person. Well BM#1 (ss's mom) would just stop by whenever, if SS needed to pick something up and he used his key to come in. My H worked nights at the time and we lived in a shady area, so someone rattling the door knob is a little scary. So I asked my husband to talk to BM and ask if she could send me a text before she stops by, and well let me just say it got blown out of control by BM. She at first was totally fine with it, but then turned it into me saying that my SS needed to ask for permission to come over when he never used to....blah blah blah. She literally cried to my MIL and my MIL told her how horrible I was for asking this. So since this point, I've been somewhat distant with my in laws. There is a lot more to it, but I don't want to write a novel.

I've really tried to get past all of this, but I still have a hard time liking them and enjoying spending time with them. My H knows this and I will suck it up every so often and go with him to their house for dinner or a family party. I usually drink wayyyy too much, because it is the only way I can get through it... lol but really, I guess I want to try to improve the relationships, more for my H than for me personally. But how do I let this shit go? I know that BM plays the victim all the time, so they feel sorry for her, and she uses them to watch my SS all the time (which they enjoy having him). I think my real issue is that I resent BM for causing these issues and I resent my in laws for not seeing through it. At the end of the day, still I am the bad guy and I don't know how to move forward with this, or if I even should.

What ticked me off was that my H was checking his emails and my FIL sent a bunch of group emails to family, and BM was on that distribution list, but I was not. I feel so imature even being annoyed by it.

SueBear · October 2013

What ticked me off was that my H was checking his emails and my FIL sent a bunch of group emails to family, and BM was on that distribution list, but I was not. I feel so imature even being annoyed by it

I would not be too annoyed by this...presumably your H would tell you whatever information he had in his email, and BM and your H do not share a house anymore. As SS's mom, she is still privy to family information, esp. because she is a gatekeeper for SS.

Drinking in excess would not be a way to win me over. In fact, I have a relative who constantly drinks too much (and I enjoy my wine as well, but am only a social drinker), and I can't stand her (not only because of the drinking). In general, I don't like hanging with people who drink in excess.

Do you know your ILS do not see past it? How did you find out that MIL said you were horrible to BM? From BM? Take what she says with a grain of salt. Look, if they see more of SS because of BM, they know that they have to keep her good side in order to see more of their grandchild. That doesn't mean they like her more, but she has more leverage in the relationship and they don't want to rock the boat.

bebe11 · October 2013

SueBear said:

What ticked me off was that my H was checking his emails and my FIL sent a bunch of group emails to family, and BM was on that distribution list, but I was not. I feel so imature even being annoyed by it

I would not be too annoyed by this...presumably your H would tell you whatever information he had in his email, and BM and your H do not share a house anymore. As SS's mom, she is still privy to family information, esp. because she is a gatekeeper for SS.

Drinking in excess would not be a way to win me over. In fact, I have a relative who constantly drinks too much (and I enjoy my wine as well, but am only a social drinker), and I can't stand her (not only because of the drinking). In general, I don't like hanging with people who drink in excess.

Do you know your ILS do not see past it? How did you find out that MIL said you were horrible to BM? From BM? Take what she says with a grain of salt. Look, if they see more of SS because of BM, they know that they have to keep her good side in order to see more of their grandchild. That doesn't mean they like her more, but she has more leverage in the relationship and they don't want to rock the boat.

The emails from my FIL, are not about family, they are just jokes or forwards, basically nothing to do with anything.

As for drinking at the family events, I am a mild drinker compared to my MIL and SIL's, one of my SIL's with 4 kids is a loud obnoxious drunk. I don't get obnoxious drunk, I rather have a few glasses of wine, when normally I would have none

BM did tell me that my MIL said I was horrible, so I asked my MIL if what BM said was true and she said YES. I know what you are saying as far as rocking the boat, but it isn't like that. BM NEEDS my in laws to be availible for SS to go over there. And this happened a while back, so it's just something that I have a hard time forgetting about. The whole family dynamic is just off to me.

SueBear · October 2013

Sorry - I didn't mean to make it sound like you were over-reacting, just trying to point out there may be a logical explanation. But maybe it is just them.

FWIW, it is wierd and a huge breech of boundries to allow an ex into your house (or to go into an ex's house).

You don't have to be close with your ILS. Does your H see your POV? I don't like my ILS, and my H agrees with me. It makes it easier b/c I know he has my back.

CurlyQ284 · October 2013

I remember the "call before you drop by" problem. UGH I hate that the effects are still ongoing, it was such an overreaction. I'm sorry

hopanka · October 2013

It would depend on how they are treating you now. If it is awkward when you are over there and they kind of ignore you, like with the email, as if you are just someone they tolerate at the party, then i would limit the time i spend with them. For me, i feel like i have enough going in my life so i dont waste an evening somewhere where i am obviously only tolerated. So, i would stop going, personally. Anymore, i choose to limit exposure to people that make me feel bad, including family. I have pretty bad inlaws and guess what...i havet seen MIL in 10 years and FIL in 2 years. I like it that way.

CFjo2010 · October 2013

SueBear said:

Sorry - I didn't mean to make it sound like you were over-reacting, just trying to point out there may be a logical explanation. But maybe it is just them.

FWIW, it is wierd and a huge breech of boundries to allow an ex into your house (or to go into an ex's house).

You don't have to be close with your ILS. Does your H see your POV? I don't like my ILS, and my H agrees with me. It makes it easier b/c I know he has my back.

I definitely agree to the bolded. BM used to have a key to DH's place while he and I were dating and when he told me that, I refused to spend the night there or leave any of my belongings there. It just creeped me out. When he asked for the key back she threw a complete fit about it saying she needed it in case of emergencies... Um, what kind of emergency exactly? He ended up changing the locks even after he got the key back because he felt really uncomfortable by her insistence on having one.

@bebe11 how are the ILs towards you when you guys are all together? How are they towards your kids?

Nineoceans · October 2013

I would be furious. My in laws pulled the pitting bm against me stuff and dh cut them off. We have nothing to do with them. There's obviously a lot more to our story too but essentially theyre dead to us. It's much better that way

Lavender P · October 2013

When you moved in with your DH, that house became your home too. You have every right to expect people to call before coming over, especially BM. It is a huge invasion of privacy to just let yourself in someone else's home. I think your DH should've made it very clear that it was no longer acceptable without bringing you into it whatsoever. Regarding the ILs issue, it seems like they have some trouble seeing BM#1 as DH's XW. I get that they may have had a relationship with her before and should still be civil, but they in no way should be sticking up for her over you. My SS's BM used to call my MIL whenever she had a problem with DH. BM would cry and make MIL feel bad for her, then MIL would call DH and try to get him to see BM's side. MIL never liked her but would always hear her out. Finally DH told BM and his mom that he wouldn't allow his mom to play mediator, and that he and BM would deal with their issues. This helped greatly because BM couldn't try to use MIL to do her dirty work. It wasn't until BM flipped out on MIL and screamed at her that BM and MIL stopped talking. If your In Laws can't see what they are doing is inappropriate, there isn't much you can do. If your MIL even admitted she called you horrible then she isn't very concerned about having a relationship with you and I would just step back and see them on holidays. Your DH needs to either set his parents straight or accept that you will not be seeing his side of the family. He can't expect you to tolerate being treated as a second class citizen.

+just+j+ · October 2013

BM and in-laws are cut from the same cloth. And she probably gets a huge kick out of being close them knowing you are not. She's milking this.

If your DH backs you up, supports you on this 100%, then I would not worry about what these people think.

I HATE that people think that this is okay. Or expect others to just go along with it. It goes completely against social norms to just wander into another person's home. Even family. I have a close family, and we wouldn't always call prior to stopping by if it was going to be a brief visit, but we wouldn't just walk into people's homes. Knock. Doorbell. No, you don't pay the mortgage, you don't get a key. People's lives and home should have a certain sense of privacy.

Count your lucky stars on the emails and texts. That sounds like a lotta garbage you don't need any way.

At family gatherings - grin and bear it. Be nice. Do all you can to hide your annoyance and loathing. Act like you like them not to win them over, but for your SS's sake. Think of it this way - you need to show and teach him how to act properly because they sure as hell are not.

CurlieWhirlie · October 2013

Lavender P said:

When you moved in with your DH, that house became your home too.

THIS. This is the most important element, here. This is YOUR HOME. Your request is not unreasonable, it doesn't sound like you asked for them *not* to come over, just to give you a heads-up. For crying out loud!

However, I totally feel you on the ILs seeming to take BMs side over yours. SO and his ex were together 20 years. Married 15. Miserable for at least 10, unbeknownst to his parents because they don't have a good relationship where they, you know, talk about feelings and stuff. When SO left her a couple of years ago, his entire family treated it as the great American tragedy, she fed off of that and played up the victim role. They don't like having a divorced couple in the family. It doesn't fit with their perfect image of how their family should be. It has nothing to do with me, or him, it's completely about them and their perception of the world. But it still hurts!

I'm just saying, try to remember that this isn't about you, it's their problem. And you can't change them. You can only control yourself.

Ilumine · October 2013

Eh, my MIL is a passive agressive bitch. The classic "that is just who and how I am" persona.

DH knows this and is quite happy to let me deal with her when she gets into my lane. She has finally figured out that I WILL call her out each and every time she oversteps my boundaries.

HOWEVER, I think this works because we are thousands of miles away. I honestly do believe that if we were closer, she would ramp her ass up to gain Alpha Control. Which is why I actually told DH NO to moving to Maine.

JessH1474 · October 2013

DH does not speak to his mom or sister at all (he never knew his Dad). They are horrible people and have done unforgivable things. He has not spoken to them in almost 2 years and our lives are so much better because of it.

blessedinthewest · October 2013

....

bebe11 · October 2013

Sorry I posted and didn't come back, I'm home with a sick kid again.

To answer a couple questions. My in laws act fine around me, and they treat my bio kids good. I do limit the amount of time I spend with them. My husband didn't see it for a long time, I had to always point out certain behaviors for it to sink in. His mom will text him once a week to come over for drinks or dinner and he usually doesn't even reply.

xmaryrickx · October 2013

You asked MIL if she said you were horrible, and MiL said yes. Am I reading that right?
If so did you follow up with any questions?

ambrvan · October 2013

When you figure out the whole calling before they drop by situation, let me know. Same problem here.

bebe11 · October 2013

xmaryrickx said:

You asked MIL if she said you were horrible, and MiL said yes. Am I reading that right? If so did you follow up with any questions?

You did read it right. Keep in mind this was a couple of years ago, when all this started. MIL tried to justify it by saying that DH's house has been SS house since he was a baby and he should have the right to come and go as he pleases, just like my kids do. It really made no sense because at the time SS was 12 years old and we didn't live within walking distance to BM, so he would clearly need a ride. My son at the time was 18 and yes he would come and go, but he also lived at the house 100% of the time. It really was ridiculous!

Mkherren12 · October 2013

Coming from the perspective where my x-il's are a big part if my life and do still consider me a daughter. This also really bothers xh's wife like it bothers you.

I think your husband should talk to his family and ask them to try and keep thinks separate. Meaning they are rubbing bm in your face when they include her in family emails and not you, they "take her side" in disagreements that they have no business being in.

What seems to have worked for us is that my x-il's do keep all communication separate. When xmil was hospitalized I got a call from her sister letting me know cause her husband was busy but once he started sending out updates he just sent them to me separately. I let family decide what they were do and then I found time after they are gone to go see her.

I do use them to babysit but xh is not really in the picture and does not regularly take dd. Xil's are good about asking for sleepovers on what would be his weekend. Also dd has Down syndrome and they know and understand her better than all the other potential babysitters so they are the nest choice when it comes to that.

I know xh's wife had a hard time at first and xmil was always in trouble for talkin to me but sadly you and my xh's wife have no control over who his family is friends with. This is a person that they have probably bonded deeply with. My advice would be instead to try an create your own bonds with his family. Try not to let it bother you because it's out of your control. Until you decide that you want a relationship with his family it won't happen. You have to want it for you not for your h. I hope this helps in some way.

Wahoo · October 2013

Do you think your ILS should have "divorced" BM when your H did? Because they are allowed to have a separate relationship with her. I am friends with BILs ex-wives as well as his current g.f. Let's just say there is a reason BIL has been divorced multiple times, but all of the women he picks are nice!

You seem to not like your ILS, their relationship with BM aside, so my thought is that this is not really a BM problem, it's a "my ILS and I don't gel" problem. You are allowed not to think of your ILS as your favorite people. Just as long as you are polite and respectful and show up at a couple of major events. My guess is that you really don't want to receive the jokes that FIL sends out en masse.

You also have a DH problem. He needs to get a backbone. The fact that YOU had to put an end to BM's coming over without an invite speaks volumes. And when your MIl came rushing to BMs side, your DH should have told MIL to butt out.

bebe11 · October 2013

Mkherren12 said:

Coming from the perspective where my x-il's are a big part if my life and do still consider me a daughter. This also really bothers xh's wife like it bothers you. I think your husband should talk to his family and ask them to try and keep thinks separate. Meaning they are rubbing bm in your face when they include her in family emails and not you, they "take her side" in disagreements that they have no business being in. What seems to have worked for us is that my x-il's do keep all communication separate. When xmil was hospitalized I got a call from her sister letting me know cause her husband was busy but once he started sending out updates he just sent them to me separately. I let family decide what they were do and then I found time after they are gone to go see her. I do use them to babysit but xh is not really in the picture and does not regularly take dd. Xil's are good about asking for sleepovers on what would be his weekend. Also dd has Down syndrome and they know and understand her better than all the other potential babysitters so they are the nest choice when it comes to that. I know xh's wife had a hard time at first and xmil was always in trouble for talkin to me but sadly you and my xh's wife have no control over who his family is friends with. This is a person that they have probably bonded deeply with. My advice would be instead to try an create your own bonds with his family. Try not to let it bother you because it's out of your control. Until you decide that you want a relationship with his family it won't happen. You have to want it for you not for your h. I hope this helps in some way.

I had no issues with my in laws and my h's ex until BM made the huge ordeal over me asking her to call or text before she stops by. I would of considered us friends even. We used to talk and email often. Heck she even dated my husband's best friend (and partner at work) for a few months. Things went a little south with our so called "friendship" when BM2 had told me that BM1 was saying somethings about me to other people and things always seem to circulate. After I found out and stepped back from BM1, is when she got my in laws involved and things went south from there.

Keep in mind this was a couple of years ago. As of today, BM1 and I are "ok". We are FB friends and I run into her at places around where we live and we always say hi and hug. My riff is not with her anymore. It's just still how my mother in law acts.

bebe11 · October 2013

Wahoo said:

Do you think your ILS should have "divorced" BM when your H did? Because they are allowed to have a separate relationship with her. I am friends with BILs ex-wives as well as his current g.f. Let's just say there is a reason BIL has been divorced multiple times, but all of the women he picks are nice!

You seem to not like your ILS, their relationship with BM aside, so my thought is that this is not really a BM problem, it's a "my ILS and I don't gel" problem. You are allowed not to think of your ILS as your favorite people. Just as long as you are polite and respectful and show up at a couple of major events. My guess is that you really don't want to receive the jokes that FIL sends out en masse.

You also have a DH problem. He needs to get a backbone. The fact that YOU had to put an end to BM's coming over without an invite speaks volumes. And when your MIl came rushing to BMs side, your DH should have told MIL to butt out.

You are correct. It is an inlaw problem. My H thought my request to have bm call or text before stopping by was not justified. He still thought since it has always been this way, why should we change it. It took a lot of sessions with a marriage counselor for him to figure out that his thinking is wrong. It was not an easy road. And because he didn't stand up for me to his mother, that caused more friction. I did have a DH problem, that is 100% true!

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