Last time I saw her alive

Heatherhah · September 2013

Today 2 years ago on September 27th I saw my sweet Sydney alive during an u/s to check her weight. She hated the monitor and I rememeber telling the tech she hates it as she kicked it off my belly. She was so strong as we got the she is perfect and looking good speech.

Then 3 days later I delivered her sleeping how does that even happen? She was healthy and fine then nothing on the 30th. This is such a messed up time for me.

Heather

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · September 2013

Big hugs sweetie! None of this is fair or makes any sense!

JessicaG220 · September 2013

I'm so sorry you're feeling crummy. It's only been 5 months for me, but I feel the same way. Sometimes I get lost in the "why" and "how" of it all. It's especially hard with all of the pregnancy announcements that surround our lives... Hugs to you, hun.

Heatherhah · September 2013

Thank you ladies!! Time makes things some what easier but when it comes to the 2 year mark it has hit me so hard this year.

meli1025 · September 2013

**sig warning**

(((HUGSS))) Keeping you in my thoughts. It really doesn't make any sense and it's so unfair. I'm just starting to realize that the anniversaries bring back all of the "why's" again, as if it just happened. As I approach my one year, I'm having a hard time as well and asking myself a ton of questions all over again.

TwinkleTor · September 2013

I'm so so sorry... This made me tear. I think about how I'm going to feel on the day we scheduled our babyshower (10.12) and my EDD (12.8). I know those two upcoming dates are going to be rough days for me. I even dread winter starting, because I always referred to Domenik as my "winter baby". Again I'm so sorry! ((Hugs))

jbranden12 · September 2013

((HUGS)) makes no sense.

princezjk · September 2013

It doesn't make any sense. So many (((hugs)))

schulme2 · September 2013

I'm so sorry. This sucks. No one should have to go through any of this or have these awful anniversaries to dread. Hugs to you!

Mrs Nice · September 2013

(((Great big squishy hugs))) I'm so sorry Heather. I can understand the anger. I had a "perfect" ultrasound the day before Ian died. It really isn't fair but I am so thankful for that last u/s because I got to "see" him alive one last time. I hope these next few days are gentle on you.

tuscanbride2007 · September 2013

(((HUGE HUGS))) it just isn't fair!

Noethola · September 2013

***Siggy warning***

Thinking of you Heather! T&Ps!

Doublegreen · September 2013

It's like I'm reading my own story. My baby was big, strong and beautiful and gave everyone that touched me a good thump. He was supposed to be here!!!

This is going to sound selfish and dark as hell, but I cant help feeling this way: It doesnt seem fair that while my pregnancy was easy going and well planned in the most part, I had family members that had difficult pregnancies (or got knocked up by some guy that they don't even like) this year manage to bring home their babies. While I'm grateful for them and love my new family...at the same time...I am just SICK that our firstborn little champion was the one that DIDNT MAKE IT! It is not fucking fair!!!!!!! And I cant be bothered to answer those family members on my cell and listen to their words of comfort or even look at their children right now on Facebook. I hope that this feeling will pass soon because I'm not liking myself right now, but really...what the fuck!?!?

shandorfml2 · September 2013

Big hugs!

shandorfml2 · September 2013

Doublegreen said:

It's like I'm reading my own story. My baby was big, strong and beautiful and gave everyone that touched me a good thump. He was supposed to be here!!!
This is going to sound selfish and dark as hell, but I cant help feeling this way: It doesnt seem fair that while my pregnancy was easy going and well planned in the most part, I had family members that had difficult pregnancies (or got knocked up by some guy that they don't even like) this year manage to bring home their babies. While I'm grateful for them and love my new family...at the same time...I am just SICK that our firstborn little champion was the one that DIDNT MAKE IT! It is not fucking fair!!!!!!! And I cant be bothered to answer those family members on my cell and listen to their words of comfort or even look at their children right now on Facebook. I hope that this feeling will pass soon because I'm not liking myself right now, but really...what the fuck!?!?

You're not alone. I have family members who keep getting knocked up (I say that because they aren't trying, and shouldn't have children). IRL seems like everyone else's babies are fine. Not fair at all ((((hugs))))

Heatherhah · September 2013

Doublegreen said:

It's like I'm reading my own story. My baby was big, strong and beautiful and gave everyone that touched me a good thump. He was supposed to be here!!!

This is going to sound selfish and dark as hell, but I cant help feeling this way: It doesnt seem fair that while my pregnancy was easy going and well planned in the most part, I had family members that had difficult pregnancies (or got knocked up by some guy that they don't even like) this year manage to bring home their babies. While I'm grateful for them and love my new family...at the same time...I am just SICK that our firstborn little champion was the one that DIDNT MAKE IT! It is not fucking fair!!!!!!! And I cant be bothered to answer those family members on my cell and listen to their words of comfort or even look at their children right now on Facebook. I hope that this feeling will pass soon because I'm not liking myself right now, but really...what the fuck!?!?

I get it trust me. My SIL and BIL decided at the hospital seeing my dead baby they wanted to get pregnant and guess what exactly a month later they were pregnant and had a baby girl. Talk about hard. But I have since gotten passed that it has been 2 years today for my Sydney and it is still so damn hard but the anger does go away a bit. Hugs!!!!

Doublegreen · September 2013

Heatherhah said:
I get it trust me. My SIL and BIL decided at the hospital seeing my dead baby they wanted to get pregnant and guess what exactly a month later they were pregnant and had a baby girl. Talk about hard.

I wouldn't know how to take that, especially if they announced it to you as if it is something that was supposed to make you feel better. I'm trying to look back at my life as to how I reacted whenever other people delt with tragedy. For the most part, I just gave them my condolences and left them alone until I felt more comfortable around them.

neptunebljc · September 2013

My DH has the exact same feeling. I try not to think about it because it hurts more, but he is visible angry when we are out and he sees people with babies who he feels don't deserve them as much as we do. I think it is very normal feeling.

My SIL and a good friend both had a very easy time conceiving and pregnancies, however both of them take on an extreme amount of guilt when difficulties arise for me. That makes me more frustrated, I don't want to help them their feelings, I want help with mine.

Doublegreen said:

It's like I'm reading my own story. My baby was big, strong and beautiful and gave everyone that touched me a good thump. He was supposed to be here!!!
This is going to sound selfish and dark as hell, but I cant help feeling this way: It doesnt seem fair that while my pregnancy was easy going and well planned in the most part, I had family members that had difficult pregnancies (or got knocked up by some guy that they don't even like) this year manage to bring home their babies. While I'm grateful for them and love my new family...at the same time...I am just SICK that our firstborn little champion was the one that DIDNT MAKE IT! It is not fucking fair!!!!!!! And I cant be bothered to answer those family members on my cell and listen to their words of comfort or even look at their children right now on Facebook. I hope that this feeling will pass soon because I'm not liking myself right now, but really...what the fuck!?!?