"All that matters is a healthy baby!"

DebateThis · September 2013

Here's my random post of the day.

I've seen the phrase "all that matters is a healthy baby!" pop up here and there on the board (or on 3rd Tri or elsewhere) a few times so I felt like now, as many of us are starting to deliver our babies might be a really good time to bring this up.

Please be mindful of not saying that phrase to other women. A healthy baby is NOT the only goal of a delivery. A healthy mom is equally as important, and many women who go through traumatic birth experiences feel like their feelings aren't justified or that their experiences were inconsequential or petty when people say that.

More info here: https://www.theunnecesarean.com/blog/2011/2/27/comforting-a-woman-traumatized-by-her-birth-experience.html#sthash.Ldmnq7BX.dpbs
And a good post about the emotions behind being disappointed your birth didn't turn out the way you wanted: https://theswaddledsprout.com/2013/01/31/all-that-matters-is-a-healthy-baby/

And a great post by Rixa Freeze that really gets into the illogical component of phrases like that: https://rixarixa.blogspot.com/2010/07/all-that-matters.html

I have two dear friends (other Bumpies) who've been diagnosed with PTSD due to their birth experiences. It's not uncommon, and I would hope over the coming months we can all be mindful of the fears others in our group might experience.

And for good measure: GROUP HUG!! :P

JamieCallow · September 2013

Great point! I am also guilty of saying this and since I have had a few issues I am able to see the other side now and completely agree! Thanks for the post:)

katie.725 · September 2013

Wonderful point here @DebateThis!! I think the saying is useful in vain concerns... (ie. boy/girl, weight gain, stretch marks, etc) but overall the health of mother is just as equal to health of baby, physically and mentally

alexisjo88 · September 2013

This reminds me of a discussion we had a long time ago when it comes down to DH/FI/SO having to make a decision to either to save LO or us.

I totally agree people forget that the mother's health is just important as LO.

wendy2613 · September 2013

I think this is nice and helpful, I even say that phrase but in my defense I had a very tramatic delivery.

My baby was healthy but I was rushed to the ICU, had to have a platelet transfusion. The Dr.s words to my husband were "if she had come in 2 hours later you would have gone home a single Dad".

I still stand by saying the most important part is a healthy baby. I would rather my child survive than me if it came down to it.

I'm sure this is not everyones opinion or maybe even a UO, but thats how I felt. I was depressed about the delevery for a while afterwards but never wavered my feelings on her being the most important part.

barista411 · September 2013

I completely understand the point you are trying to make and agree to a certain degree. However, I had a very rough delivery with DD and an extremely painful recovery. It would have been very easy for me to throw a big pity party for myself about how scary my injuries were and how much pain I was in. It was a completely freak complication that very rarely happens and I could have laid around and wondered why me. The only thing that helped me through the immediate injury and the several weeks after while I was recovering was that DD was there and she was safe. Whenever I would start to feel down or pity myself I clung to my daughter and rejoiced that she was ok and that I was taking the brunt of the injury and not her. So in my situation that phrase "all that matters is the baby is healthy" saved me mentally. I cling to that phrase again with this labor. I am terrified of labor and have to go into it ok with the idea that I have bare the brunt of pain and risk I may have another freak complication but I would much rather I am the one in pain than my child.

JaysonandKristin · September 2013

FWIW, I just don't touch other peoples' feelings about their children's births. But while considering a change in birth plan as a disappointment, also take into consideration the fact that some of us will not be walking out of the hospital with our babies. Some of us ALREADY have babies that haven't come home with us.
Some perspective from a mom who would have had her birth go any which way out of her control JUST to bring home a healthy child should not be overlooked.
I wish us all AND our babies health and happiness.

DebateThis · September 2013

LizB8943 said:

I can see both sides, I really can. And my opinion may be unpopular, but I think women need to be prepared for all possible outcomes to their labor/delivery, and be ready to accept those changes and move forward afterwards.

I recently read an interview with Christine Hill, who was the Duchess of Cambridge (aka Kate Middleton's) obstetric physiotherapist. Apparently the duchess took pre-natal classes, etc. with this woman. I was intrigued and ordered a copy of a book Hill has written on baby care, etc. Anyway, what struck me was the book's introduction, penned by Hill, in which she says women need to be able to put aside their feelings about the birth experience and "move on" (for lack of a better term) in order to take care of their newborn. Basically, don't allow yourself to get so hung up on your disappointment with labor not going the way you wanted (whether you had to resort to pain meds, or needed a C-section, etc.) that you forget that the most important thing is taking care of this tiny, helpless, brand new creature that is 100% dependent upon you. (She says it much more eloquently than I am!) That perspective had not occurred to me previously, but I think Hill is really onto something.

We all want 'normal', typical deliveries where things go according to the plans we've made. I just think it's important for expectant moms to be flexible and able to put aside their disappointment if something doesn't go according to plan in order to take care of their new baby. If that means talking to a close friend/family member, or a therapist, or journaling...whatever works for you in helping to get closure and keep going.

I wish you all wonderful deliveries and healthy babies:)

I think my point seems to have gone straight over your head. The points you seem to be making are exactly the kinds of ideas that cause women to not process births that are less-than-ideal. I understand you're paraphrasing a book, but "put aside your feelings/emotions and take care of your newborn" can cause some serious emotional damage, even if childbirth goes 100% perfectly for you and you're 100% pleased with the outcomes.

It's also important to note that for many women, their experiences in childbirth are so, so much more than just "disappointment" and are actual trauma that meet the medical diagnostic criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder. Of course it's completely in the eye of the beholder, so to speak, and what's traumatic to one woman might be a piece of cake to another. But please don't ever tell a woman that she needs to stop being disappointed that she didn't get a perfect birth and focus on her baby.

It's not usually about being bummed that you didn't get to deliver in a field of flowers with soothing music playing. It's about the real, HUGE range of emotions that all women go through and all women need to process surrounding childbirth. Some of those emotions and experiences are unfortunately less-than-ideal, and if not processed and digested properly can lead to real mental health concerns like PPD and PTSD. Some of these emotions even come from a place of previous sexual/physical trauma (and birth brings back a lot of old feelings and memories) - there have been more than a few women on the Natural Birth board who are electing to have homebirths because they're utterly paralyzed with fear of hospitals or any sort of physical restraint. None of those emotions should be shoved aside or ignored or trivialized or the mother made to feel as though she has no right to feel a certain way.

cagoldi · September 2013

I don't agree with the PPs that basically say move on now and take care of your baby.

That just speaks to DT's point that new mothers are made to feel that their disappointment surrounding birth is petty and should be dismissed.

This is an event many of us look forward to with anticipation for our whole lives, or at least the last 9 months. It's okay to mourn the loss of a birth experience you wish you had. It doesn't mean anyone cherishes their newborn any less.

Karadee1 · September 2013

I agree with the OP.

I just want to throw in, that in cases of post partum depression, getting over it or just moving on aren't options. There are chemical changes that happen in the brain, and women aren't able to just pull themselves out of bed and get over it. If the delivery experience leads to this, medical help is needed.

beccaxbooxbear · September 2013

My delivery with DS went far from what I expected or even wanted. I had to be induced due to low amniotic fluid which was scary to me but felt like I could handle it. From my first contraction ds heart rate kept dropping. After 12 hours his heart rate stopped recovering. I had an emergency c section. Ds was born purpleish blue. He was put in NICU for a week cause he had fluid in his lungs and a possibly pneumonia. Watching my little boy struggle to breathe and have wires and tubes all over him and being pricked every day for blood sugar and new IV locations was so hard. I wasnt allowed to feed or hokd him even though he was rooting and crying to be fed. He only got iv fluids. I felt so guilty and felt like somehow it was my fault what he was going thru. It took a long time to be emotionally ok afterwards. I struggled silently with post partum depression and anxiety. Finally at 8 weeks I got help. Every birth is precious but too often mom is forgotten. So im glad this was posted. We should never minimize someones experience.

DebateThis · September 2013

SJacques7 said:

In 2004 my birth plan never made it to the hospital as I was rushed in for an emergency csection, delivered a beautiful baby girl. In 2005 that birth plan didn't make it again as I was taken to the OR to have my dead baby removed from my body. In 2012 I had a miscarriage. In 2013 I don't give a shit about how I would like to deliver this little guy as long as he does get to come home healthy. My opinion may not be popular but it's my responsibility as a mother to put my baby before my wants. I'm not trying to minimize anybody's experience but right now we are all healthy and should recognize that our birth plans may not be fulfilled before we even walk through the l&d doors! We can't change what has happened to women in the past but we can prepare ourselfs for a better future. Don't set yourself up for failure because your delivery had to change coarse. Most importantly make sure you have a support system waiting at home for you if your coarse does change. I know my DH and I have already discussed the what ifs for this pregnancy.

I am very sorry you had that experience, but you've totally missed my point. It often has NOTHING to do with "my birth didn't follow my birth plan". And again, YOUR experience and how YOU perceive it might be totally different than someone else who's had very similar experience - and both you and another woman deserve to not have your feelings dismissed.

ranaverde · September 2013

I have to admit that, while I do want a healthy baby at the end of this, I'm selfish enough that I don't want to leave my husband a widower, or having to take care of a traumatized, physically disabled wife as well as a newborn. I know I'll love this little one to bits once she arrives, but at the moment, it's hard to imagine being willing to die or suffer lasting trauma for her. If this means people think I'm a "bad mother" so be it; I think I'm being realistic about what I am capable of handling, and what I am not.

cagoldi · September 2013

I understand the PPs saying that they value the health of their baby over their own; I'm sure a lot of us feel this way.

What some are missing here is that by saying the ONLY thing that matters is a healthy baby by definition nothing else does. Many of us would agree that is the most important, but it shouldn't stop there.

The point is that while we will all celebrate the healthy arrival of our babies some of us will still have some negative feelings about what occurs during labor and delivery. For those that have had and will have experiences that they need to work through it isn't going to be helpful to just throw out the platitude that everything is fine since the baby is healthy.

Littlemama01 · October 2013

I love this post, thank you for posting it and the links, I agree a healthy baby is important of course, but so is a healthy mom!

Last night we were out for supper with my FIL, and he said something that has been bothering me all day, but I couldn't quite place why it bothered me so much..and now I realize why. Here's the scenario

He mentions how it's important for me to stay healthy these next few weeks (I'm currently 34w, don't know how to do a ticker so I can't put one in my signature)..and I agreed that yes I want to try and stay healthy these next few weeks. Then he goes on to say how his GF's grandbaby has cerebral palsy and at age 1 can barely hold her head up, and continues to describe the future of this child. Then he continued to say so you make sure you stay healthy, healthy healthy healthy (literally he said it 4 times). (when I asked further turns out the parents knew their baby would have cerebral palsy before it was born, so it wasn't a surprise at birth) I did not ask if she wasn't healthy through pregnancy, because I wasn't quite comfortable iwth the whole conversation, and my overly emotional self was saddened to hear about this child who has a lifetime illness.

It wasn't until I read this that I realized he basically was placing the blame on me if heaven forbid I have a baby with anything wrong. He would equate that to me not staying healthy or not "following the rules", or who know's what I might have done wrong...That really bothers me. I don't know if my baby will be perfect or healthy.

I don't think it's fair to hold that on the mother if it's not healthy, or if something goes wrong.

and PP who posted about being rushed to ICU shortly after baby is born, that is so scary, glad you all made it out ok!

Karadee1 · October 2013

@littlemama01 ugh I hope that's not what you're FIL was implying because that is awful.

DebateThis · October 2013

cagoldi said:

I understand the PPs saying that they value the health of their baby over their own; I'm sure a lot of us feel this way.

What some are missing here is that by saying the ONLY thing that matters is a healthy baby by definition nothing else does. Many of us would agree that is the most important, but it shouldn't stop there.

The point is that while we will all celebrate the healthy arrival of our babies some of us will still have some negative feelings about what occurs during labor and delivery. For those that have had and will have experiences that they need to work through it isn't going to be helpful to just throw out the platitude that everything is fine since the baby is healthy.

Yep. That's what the link from Rixa Freeze's blog illustrates. We ALL want healthy babies; to assume any women want a terrible outcome is a tautology. And to make assumptions/statements that the ONLY thing that matters is the baby's health ignoresthe fact that many other things also come into play in birth situations and mothers need to be able to process those emotions in a safe, healthy way without blame or dismissal.

[Deleted User] · October 2013

At the risk of sounding selfish I have to admit I am worried about myself and the delivery process. It's a given I want my baby to come first but I often think about how it will effect me. Will something go horribly wrong for MY body? Will I suffer post partum? Everyone wants a healthy baby, but I also want a healthy delivery. I always make sure to ask how baby and mom are feeling and actually once I know baby is ok I usually focus on asking how moms are doing and feeling more so. So I agree with DT that it shouldn't just be dismissed as a non issue. Lets hope we all have safe and healthy deliveries for mom and baby!

orijinale · October 2013

barista411 said:
I completely understand the point you are trying to make and agree to a certain degree. However, I had a very rough delivery with DD and an extremely painful recovery. It would have been very easy for me to throw a big pity party for myself about how scary my injuries were and how much pain I was in. It was a completely freak complication that very rarely happens and I could have laid around and wondered why me. The only thing that helped me through the immediate injury and the several weeks after while I was recovering was that DD was there and she was safe. Whenever I would start to feel down or pity myself I clung to my daughter and rejoiced that she was ok and that I was taking the brunt of the injury and not her. So in my situation that phrase "all that matters is the baby is healthy" saved me mentally. I cling to that phrase again with this labor. I am terrified of labor and have to go into it ok with the idea that I have bare the brunt of pain and risk I may have another freak complication but I would much rather I am the one in pain than my child.

I think mentally you are a warrior and this perspective is more helpful to tell someone. I am taking the pain my child does not have to bear. I like that idea.

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