How to motivate boyfriend?

Cassie3333 · September 2013

My boyfriend is about to graduate from college with a bachelors (in the humanities field) in a couple months, but he hasn't started looking for jobs yet. He has heard all these horror stories that it's hard to find a job right away, and even though I heard the same, I started looking about 6 months before I graduated and lined up a job to start one month after I was done (although I have a graduate degree).

I have no doubt that he can find a job after he's done, but I really think he needs to start looking now! He doesn't know what career he wants, so even if he could just decide on a field, I would be happy!

The problem is I can't bring it up to him without making him feel depressed and hopeless that he's not going to get a job by the time I need to take off work to have the baby. How can I encourage him without making it seem like I'm nagging him?

lvlichelle · September 2013

After reading the title to your post the first thing that came to mind was "with sex". Then I read your post and realized that it would be near impossible to motivate him with sex to start looking for a job.. or at least I am not creative enough to think of a way how.

Anyways, I think that if you push him to do something he is not ready to do.. then he may start to have negative feelings towards you about it.. Guys like to make their own decisions without their woman telling them when to do it. I understand your reasoning behind wanting to hurry up the process, with the baby coming and all. In my opinion I wouldn't push him. Maybe you could say something in form of a question to get him in the mindset of thinking about his future career.

Right now probably the only thing that is on his mind is "I am going to be a dad".

Cassie3333 · September 2013

Lol I wish I could use sex! We haven't really had a change in that, it's still pretty regular

I definitely agree with you and I've been keeping my mouth shut about it, but all my friends are saying I need to do something already! Ahh I don't know..

lkharkins · September 2013

When my husband and I moved out of state for my work and my husband was forced to make a career change, he was the same way. My husband is 38 and never learned how to put together a resume or really job hunt. A lot of his reluctance to talk about his situation had to do with his fear of not knowing how to do something. I finally worked that out of him, helped him put together a good resume, helped him apply for jobs and prepped him for interviews. At first he took a crap job until he was able to land the job of his dreams.

My suggestion to you is, try talking with him not about finding a job, but about why he gets depressed and hopeless when talking about his future. Get to the root of the problem and help him work through it.

crystaljoanna · September 2013

My husband was motivated to start looking for a job senior year when I was accepted into law school. I think it was the idea that I'm moving on with or without him.

You're definitely in a different boat. He is going to hit a moment - whether it is talking to fellow students, when you start making big baby purchases, etc. where the need will hit him. Be patient. Do some job searching about the careers that will be open to him and casually mention them. I'm not sure what type of career he is after with a humanities major, and he might not either. Some brainstorming might be a good idea so he starts to feel motivated and develop a direction.

SassyFlats · September 2013

lkharkins said:
My suggestion to you is, try talking with him not about finding a job, but about why he gets depressed and hopeless when talking about his future. Get to the root of the problem and help him work through it.

Do this. Don't nag, and ignore pressure from your friends to do so. Your BF might be scared, uncertain, distracted... You won't know until you speak to him in a way that shows him you care about how he's feeling and what is going on in his head.... Not just about the end result of finding a job.

Mcsweets · September 2013

I really don't think you should mention it. Maybe just if you talk about it, just be positive and say "When you have your kickass job as a ______, we can do XYZ".... I know you want to help, but as the other have said, it can be taken as disrespectful and honestly kinda controlling.

My DH graduated with a pharmaceutical research degree, and it took him 2 years to find a job in his field. He ended up taking a risk with a temp spot and they kept him around.

I think you should direct your attention elsewhere, and let him handle this "baby"

clo1982 · September 2013

I think I'm going to be in the minority here but the guy has a baby on the way...sitting around feeling sorry/depressed/anxious for what 'might' be doesn't work. I know job hunting can be scary and the fear of rejection is definitely very real but truly, you can't be rejected if you don't go out and try...that's great and all but you also can't get HIRED unless you put yourself out there! If you are able to support your lifestyle after baby on your salary alone, that is great, no need to push; however, if that is not the case, or if you think you may resent him for procrastinating (which is truly what he is doing) I think a bit of tough love may be in order. If he is getting out of college on a normal schedule, ie 21 or 22 years old, he is still fairly young so I get the fear...searching for a first job is scary, no doubt... but the flipside is he made the very grown up decision to be a father so the normal allowance for that goes out the door in my opinion. The potential for rejection doesn't magically go away once you actually graduate and have that degree in your hand...I think he should put on his big boy pants and get his a** out there! I may be a bitc* but I'd have a major issue if someone was not looking for employment because they got sad when they thought about not being employed. He is correct in one respect...he will 100% not be employed at the time of graduation if he doesn't get out there and look.

kstar83 · September 2013

I dunno maybe I have an unpopular opinion. SO take it for what its worth, just a different point of view. For most things I would totally agree with the above suggestions. HOWEVER, assuming your BF is the father? there is financial responsibility that needs to be considered as well as insurance.

I went through a period of a little over a year after I got layed off from a job where both MH and I worked, and he had to stay to pay our bills, even though they fired me. Sometimes we have to do things we don't love or that scare us to take care of our families, if only for a little while. I was looking for a specific job, but it did take me a year to find another one, and an across country move.

My point is just that he needs to get his act together a little bit, or at least headed in the right direction. Maybe look at job description in a hobby that interests him? Send him the links and just talk about (none threatening) over dinner or something? Just if that sounds interesting to him, if he would want to work in that field etc. Maybe not tell him to apply, but offer to help shape a resume or point in the direction of career services if he wants it? Gradual steps over time?

I dunno, maybe my advice is shit, but I understand why I would be freaking out a little at this situation.

bumpuser9058414 · September 2013

I'm with @Clo1982, my first response to your title was "he has a child on the way, how much more motivation does he need?" Try not to nag but try to encourage him to start looking at what is out there now so that he has an idea of what is available and what interests him.

clo1982 · September 2013

I will add since I already threw my not-so-nice point of view out that the job doesn't need to be a total dream. It needs to provide a paycheck and/or get his foot in the door at a good company. I'd say a vast majority of people are not madly in love with their jobs and, if the stars aligned, they would be doing something else. You can either work your way into your 'dream' job, or you can work WHILE you search for it/identify it/whatever. Both are better, more mature options than sitting around trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up while not contributing to your growing family.

Alright I'm going to take my grumpy, corporate brainwashed self elsewhere

:P

Cassie3333 · September 2013

Thank you all for your responses! I'm definitely leaning towards pushing him to be more proactive. To answer your questions, yes he is the father, he is going to be 29! in a month (I'm 27) and he has had jobs in the past, but I encouraged him to quit so he could go to school full time and start his dream job, or at least find one he didn't hate! Of course this baby is definitely a surprise and not exactly the best timing, I kind of feel guilty for encouraging him to quit and then putting all this pressure on him. But then I feel pressure to not take more than 6 weeks off and work as much as possible.

SassyFlats · October 2013

My DH is stuck in a job he doesn't love right now, and when he mentioned going back to school I was pretty freaked out. We have a baby on the way, now is NOT the time to start over!

However, we discussed why now isn't the best time for that and what he can do in the meantime to make things more bearable at work. For MH, having a sort of 5-year plan to build up his resume and experience with this company and then get OUT has really helped. I made it clear that I support him and want him to find something fulfilling that he loves, but that we need to do it on a more realistic timeline and with an actual plan... Not just a "hmm I think I should go back to school and get another degree in something else just when life is about to get turned upside down by a tiny human."

There's a delicate balance between nagging/tough love/supportive partnership. It's not always an easy balance to find.

crystaljoanna · October 2013

He's 29?! That kind of changes my advice. I would definitely sit down with him and develop a plan. Is he possibly dealing with depression or something else that could interfere with his motivation? Maybe seeing a counselor might be a good idea if if continues for another month or two.

How to motivate boyfriend?

Re: How to motivate boyfriend?

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would You please hold them on Your lap and tell them about me?

BFP #4 6/26/13, EDD 3/8/14, Delivered @ 40w6d
Bethany Elizabeth born on 3/14/14 @ 6:48am weighing almost 8lbs 1oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches.

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How to motivate boyfriend?

Re: How to motivate boyfriend?

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about You, but since I didn't get the chance, would You please hold them on Your lap and tell them about me?

BFP #4 6/26/13, EDD 3/8/14, Delivered @ 40w6dBethany Elizabeth born on 3/14/14 @ 6:48am weighing almost 8lbs 1oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches.

Choose Another Board

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BFP #4 6/26/13, EDD 3/8/14, Delivered @ 40w6d
Bethany Elizabeth born on 3/14/14 @ 6:48am weighing almost 8lbs 1oz and measuring 20 1/2 inches.