Struggling

roughkat · September 2013

I think there's a reason I'm posting this late on Saturday night - maybe I'm hoping people won't see and judge.

DH and I are struggling with this. I see so many other people talk about how amazing their spouses are and how this has brought them so much closer together. I do think DH is amazing but 2IF has certainly not brought us closer together.

We were talking the other night and he said, "Don't you think that all of your stress and sadness about not getting pregnant is affecting your ability to get pregnant? Maybe you should just 'fake it till you make it'."

I tried telling him how awful that made me feel, because of course I already overanalyze everything that I do and wonder what, if anything, has made a difference. And when I told him how sad and hurtful it was, he said that's not what he meant but otherwise just really couldn't respond. And I know that's the way he is, he doesn't do well in stressful situations, he tends to shut down. But shit, to hear that this person who is supposed to be in the same boat with me may somewhat blame me because of stress and sadness that I can't fucking control just sucks. How am I not supposed to be stressed when it's me who undergoes all of the vaginal ultrasounds, tracking my cycle, feeling my heart break every time AF shows, giving myself shots, taking Clomid and suffering the side effects, and basically undergoing almost everything that's involved in "our" treatment?

I don't know what I'm looking for here. He's not a bad guy, at all, so I don't want people demonizing him. Just wondering if anyone else has had a hard time like this as well. Thanks.

annibes · September 2013

No judgment here. I am so sorry. It's so hard to hear that from others so to hear it from one of your own team is almost surreal. DH said something similar once and the only way I can describe the feeling is this: have you seen A Christmas Story? Where Ralphie hears "you'll shoot your eye out" from EVERYONE and finally decides to ask Santa because in his 8-year-old mind, Santa will understand and agree and it will be magical. He tells the mall Santa he wants the bb gun and Santa says, "you'll shoot your eye out, kid!" His face the moment he starts to think he's alone in the world is the only way I can describe the feeling.

Fortunately that movie ended well for Ralphie- hopefully we all get our happy endings, too!

kndeckar · September 2013

TicketTuesday said it perfectly IMO. I think we all must have similar husbands because I can totally see my DH saying the same thing and he probably has somewhere along the way and we've probably argued about it. We've talked about how I don't always want him to try to FIX the problem, just to listen to me! My DH pulls the whole "that's not what I meant" thing ALL THE TIME. FWIW, I got pregnant before during the most stressful time I've ever had in my life. I am way less stressed now then I was then. And of course now I can't get pregnant! WTF universe?!?!

Anyways, Good luck and hang in there!!

Jen071407 · September 2013

You are definitely not alone, and I think @tickettuesday said it perfectly. Our hubby's try so hard to understand, and to an extent they do, but like you said, when it comes down to it a lot of "our" treatment turns into "my" treatment and it's just not possible for them to experience it the way we do (and maybe that's a good thing!). My DH and I just had a conversation yesterday that relates. My cousin just announced on FB that her edd is the exact same day mine was. I told DH how much that sucks and how mad it made me that it was the same day and he instantly got defensive, like "you just can't get mad, it doesn't affect us, blah blah blah." I got angry for him not understanding why I was hurt by it, then he finally explained he gets so mad because he sees me so upset and hurt and can't do anything to make it go away. I wonder if your DH feels the same- upset because he sees you upset, so to make no one upset lets all just stop being sad/angry/hurt etc? If that makes sense?!

pettycrocker · September 2013

Uh.. yea, IF definitely did not make us closer LOL. There's been times where I really wanted to punch my H in his face for the stupid things he does- such as, not telling me when mutual friends are expecting, because he thinks that will upset me?? Well how do you think I feel when I know you are keeping it from me, because you know we are having a problem? Yea, 100x shittier. Just effing tell me. My H constantly says "It'll happen when it's supposed to happen" Wtf!?! that is the most annoying shit ever!

Now, don't kill me, because I am surely not team husband in this one :P But I do kind of believe in the whole "fake it till you make it" theory. I tell people this a lot when they are stuck in a funk. Every cycle I really try to stay super positive, but I always lose it around 10DPO once it's so obvious the cycle was a bust, then it's pretty impossible to remain optimistic, ykwim?

I think you have to do what you feel is right to cope with this mess! So if it's easier on you mentally to always "prepare for the worst" then that's just how it's gotta be, and he needs to understand that. I totally get this about IF, but I am in this with you, I don't think the SO's will ever really understand what this feels like

When I am really struggling, I will blame H for everything (because we're unexplained) so I can get away with saying "If your stupid ass sperms would just buck up and do what they're supposed to do, we wouldn't still be effing trying" to which he usually responds "Well, if your man hating vagina would stop killing off all my sperms instantly, surely I'd tend to agree with this theory" and we laugh.

Thankfully we have this little board, with ladies who really can relate to each other, and make up and awesome support system when we really need it.

KC1212 · September 2013

IF is a vicious cycle. With each failure adds to stress and sadness, the more stress and sadness = the more wonky cycles are, etc. and it all just perpetuates each other and snowballs.

This is going to come out all wrong probably but, stress certainly won't do you any favors. It has taken me over 4 years to learn that though.

I'm not claiming to be a ball of optimism and sunshine all the time but, I do think it's important to learn to cope and minimize the negative emotions as much as possible because they are toxic to our body and that is probably what your H meant, guys have ZERO tact and most are not exactly wordsmiths with delicate situations.

Anyway, IF has not brought me and my husband "closer" I do not subscribe to that theory. In fact, I would strongly argue against it and believe that it has as much validity as the "get drunk advice".

Because, men and women process and cope differently I think IF has greater chances of DIVIDING a couple.

roughkat · September 2013

Thank you so much to everyone. I agree, I'm sure it's not helpful to be so worried and anxious. I just don't know how not to be. Finances are finite, everything's out of pocket, and I'm already AMA. And I'm sure my husband didn't mean to come across the way that he did, but it's just another example of how we're not connecting well during this shitty time.

It's also nice to not feel so alone.

To top it off, I tested this morning (I wasn't supposed to test until Wednesday, but today is still 12 dpo) and I got a BFN. Fuck. Not a great weekend.

pettycrocker · September 2013

roughkat said:

Thank you so much to everyone. I agree, I'm sure it's not helpful to be so worried and anxious. I just don't know how not to be. Finances are finite, everything's out of pocket, and I'm already AMA. And I'm sure my husband didn't mean to come across the way that he did, but it's just another example of how we're not connecting well during this shitty time.

It's also nice to not feel so alone.

To top it off, I tested this morning (I wasn't supposed to test until Wednesday, but today is still 12 dpo) and I got a BFN. Fuck. Not a great weekend.

I got a BFN today too X_X b-( :ar! I'm sorry, love. This is a huge bummer

KC1212 · September 2013

I'm sorry to you both. My temp took a massive nosedive so AF is on her way :-q

pettycrocker · September 2013

At least we're all on the same cycle. This is kind of fun, but it sucks at the same time. Bah!!

`

:bz :bz :bz :bz Many bees for next cycle.

freakyfast · September 2013

I am sorry to you all (((HUGS))).

And as far as husbands go, I think they just weren't provided with that sensitive switch.

I am sorry that you feel alone, but you are not. Men just deal differently and don't know how to formulate feelings properly into words. Just the way they are built. But we have each other here and that is what this board is for. No demonizing husbands, because they must be great in their own ways, we married them right?

I think we all feel alone in this journey, because they don't deal with the changes, the lack of changes, but we are strong! That is why were born as women!

roughkat · September 2013

It's true that it's kind of nice to be on the same cycle, it would just be nicer if it ended in a BFP!

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm not sure where else to do it. This board has been kind of a lifesaver.

roughkat · September 2013

Also, lol at man hating vagina. That probably should be an official diagnosis!

KC1212 · September 2013

roughkat said:

It's true that it's kind of nice to be on the same cycle, it would just be nicer if it ended in a BFP!

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm not sure where else to do it. This board has been kind of a lifesaver.

Ditto!

I should of joined an IF board back before I got pregnant. I am in SUCH a better state mentally with this support now. I really don't know how I did it alone.

I don't think everyone on realizes what lifeline this is (for me) and in some aspects I feel closer to you ladies, who are, for all intents and purposes, complete strangers, than I do my real life friends (all fertile mertiles)

@roughkat please know that ALL of your feelings are completely normal.

MrsMegan922 · September 2013

((HUGS)) @roughkat

I totally understand - I find myself telling my DH at times "that is not helpful" when we are taking about our IF.

Men and women are just so different with this stuff. It can be tough...

AlmostWright · September 2013

I am really sorry to hear about all the BFNs this weekend.

@roughkat, as everyone else said you are definitely not alone! I also have no idea how to turn off my anxiety, especially about medical things. I feel like a hypochondriac at times. My DH doesn't always handle it well, so it does lead to some arguments. I am sure my worrying is frustrating for him and can see that later but not at the time. If you have ever find something that helps turn off the worrying, let me know!

I really appreciate everyone's support here. Thank you all!

roughkat · September 2013

AlmostWright said:

I am really sorry to hear about all the BFNs this weekend.

@roughkat, as everyone else said you are definitely not alone! I also have no idea how to turn off my anxiety, especially about medical things. I feel like a hypochondriac at times. My DH doesn't always handle it well, so it does lead to some arguments. I am sure my worrying is frustrating for him and can see that later but not at the time. If you have ever find something that helps turn off the worrying, let me know!

I really appreciate everyone's support here. Thank you all!

Wine. Wine helps.

Just kidding (sort of). Honestly, just knowing that other people have the same obsessive thoughts and worries helps make me feel not quite so crazy. It doesn't stop the worrying, but I feel more like a normal person.

And when it gets really bad, I have a pity party for myself on this board and you ladies make me feel a million times better.

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