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At What Point....

SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
in Blended Families
Do you stop being nice and report child support arrears?

Ive kept you guys sort of up to date on XH's job issues. Long story short he lost his job of 6 years. It was a good job and he was doing well. He was unemployed for a while and then got another job. That lasted less than 2 weeks. He's unemployed again and should be starting work at a construction company tomorrow. He is 1,112 behind in CS and 200 behind in child care payments as of this week.

I'm trying to be understanding. I've let him change the schedule with the kids around his work, and then lack of work, and soon to change again over this new job. I've not bothered him about money, as I know he doesn't have much.

The thing is, I'm effing broke and I cant pay for 100% of the kids expenses much longer. I reminded him of the amount that is due via text tonight and got a screen shot of him agreeing. When I asked how long before I could expect him to pay something he pretty much said he is poor too and its going to be a while.

He has snowmobiles, a huge gun collection, along with other things he could sell to help feed his damn kids. His family is also well enough off that they could help
him if he asked.

I'm working 40 + hours right now at the
salon and doing extra hair on the side to try
to keep up. Its not enough. I'm nervous with winter coming and a house to heat. I applied for heating assistance and I know I can get help with fuel if I'm honest and report his arrears. I could probably get help with food too. If I report it though the state will go after him and our civil situation will likely deteriorate. I do not want us to be at eachothers throats. Likely at that point he would take me back to court and get a CS reduction anyway, since hes making less
money.

I just don't know what to do, or how much time to give him.
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Re: At What Point....

  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    After the second failure to pay.  He needs to know you mean business.  Get busy and start filing.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • dannie2011dannie2011 member
    I don't have any experience in this so take this with a grain of salt. If you want to avoid things going to court and your relationship going down the tubes, maybe tell him anything he can give would help as you are really struggling. Maybe just maybe he would, if not then you can go the other route.

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  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    And by the way...any amount of money is better than none.   Most judges go off of what he has the potential to make, even if he quits his job, works under the table, etc.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    I would tell him you are not able to make ends meet without him paying what he owes and ask him to talk to you about a repayment plan. I would tell him what you want him to pay extra each month but also know what you are willing to negotiate to. If he balks at starting right away tell him the only way you can heat the house this winter is if he pays or if you apply for assistance and cannot do that without reporting him which you really don't want to do and then ask what he wants you to do.
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  • rmjones15rmjones15 member
    I'm new here so not sure about the rest of your situation, but in my experience, my ex gets just as mad when he goes back to work and they start withholding (cause they take his normal amount plus arrears), so you might as well get started. I have has to learn that if he gets pissed cause I remind him of his responsibilities, it's not my problem. "Civil" includes being financially responsible, in my opinion.
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  • CurlyQ284CurlyQ284 member
    I really dont know why all states don't garnish automatically. Our CO is in Michigan and its done automatically even though we live in another state. They even figure out he has a job change before we get around to sending the paperwork and send a letter to his new eemployer.

    Report it. If you're worried about heat this winter, you can't afford to be accommodating to ExH anymore.
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  • fellesferiefellesferie member
    I would tell him today that if he's not caught up in 7 days (or 5 days or 10 days or whatever), you will report it. 

    The kids have to come first. And I agree with pp--by being this late he is not being civil. 
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  • MrsHetzelMrsHetzel member
    I think if you just tell him you're struggling to the point that you're going to apply for assistance and that requires him being reported anyway, then he'll know he needs to do something. And if he doesn't, then you go ahead and do what you need to do and just let the chips fall where they may
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  • Lavender PLavender P member
    Being civil and allowing someone to take advantage of you are two different things. If you could take care of the kids on your own without his help, then I think being more lenient is understandable. However, if you are struggling, the kids aren't able to be taken care of the way they need to be and he hasn't made any changes to his life to help his kids, then it's time for civility to go out the window. I would tell him he needs to provide a certain amount by a specific date or else you will do what you need to for your kids.
    "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." ~ Lao Tzu
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  • SimpleJaneSimpleJane member
    Thanks for the replies. I needed some encouragement. I think I'm going to talk to him and just tell him if he isnt paying regularly starting when he receives his next check then ill have no choice but to report it so I can get assistance. Honestly I don't even care if he doesn't pay back the arrears, although I wont tell him that, I just want him to start paying on time moving forward.
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  • +just+j++just+j+ member

    I wouldn't warn him you're going to report.  At THE MOST I'd simply ask, "When do you anticipate making payments again, and how do you plan to get caught up?"  Some states will help him by just pulling more out, or the complete amount to get him caught up.   If he gives you a realistic answer and misses that date - report it. Don't warn him. Don't clue him in.  Just do it.

    And don't worry about making things rocky. If your relationship is rocky enough that you are worried about it, I'm sure if it isn't this - it will be something else you say or do.

    He needs to know that you're not going to sit back and take it and by simply filing, that way he knows going forward you're not going to dick around and you mean business.

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
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  • AlwaysForgetful AlwaysForgetful member
    Be civil and let him know that you are really struggling and that you need to apply for assistance.

    If they go after him, it is out of your hands. I know in my area they don't. It takes over a year for them to be interested (and it is a joke even then) in going after a non paying parent. If he gets a letter from them, tell him that it is on the state not you. You needed help so you applied for help. That is it.

    Sorry your relationship may deteriorate. I know how important it is to keep it going for the kids. Still, the kids need to come first. I played that "game" with the ex. Gave him chances to help, he never helped and eventually I got so far behind that it was hard for me to catch up myself. Don't do that. Get the help since you can see you will need it now.
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