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March 2014 Moms
Melissa72777
member
Wishing things were different...bit of a vent (LONG)
Melissa72777
member
My stepdad (who is pretty much my dad) was diagnosed with biliary cancer 2 weeks after I found out I was pregnant. Since that time he has been undergoing chemo but due to side effects from the chemo he has suffered 2 strokes and had bleeding on his brain. Luckily he sustained minimal damage to his brain from the strokes but going forward with the chemo the doctors need to walk a fine line and consistently monitor his blood levels and brain activity.
He is not in excruciating pain but has occasional pain in his stomach and also has a very bad back so he seems constantly uncomfortable. The worst is that he is in a major state of depression. He doesn't want to try to do anything. Some days he won't even shower or get dressed. He breaks into tears constantly. He doesn't want to see any of his friends. And he takes his anger about the situation out on my mom.
My mom on the other hand is completely stressed out and going into her own state of depression (she has suffered from depression for years too). She works full time and when she isn't working her entire time is spent doing nothing but taking care of my stepdad. Even after she makes him something to eat or makes sure he showers/dresses she will not leave the house other than when she has to go to work. If he is just sitting in his chair watching tv or napping she just sits there and watches him or she will ask him every 5 minutes if he is ok. She is completely scared and paranoid he is going to have another stroke or something else will happen to him (which I understand). She is also a control freak by nature and it's driving her crazy that nothing she can do can fix him. She is also crying a lot and feels at the end of her rope.
Ok so now here comes my vent...THIS SUCKS AND ISN'T FAIR!!!! Ever since he was diagnosed it has been difficult to talk to my parents about my pregnancy. If I bring it up to my stepdad he starts to cry and says he hopes he is still here to see the baby. Then he says even if he is still here he doesn't know what condition he will be in and if he will be able to hold the baby and do things a grandfather should do. My mom on the other hand tries to put up a front that she is excited yet anytime I try to get her to go somewhere with me to look at stuff for the baby or call her for advice for things going on with my pregnancy she doesn't have time or the conversation becomes about how difficult things are with my stepdad and how she doesn't know what to do.
I am an only child and have always been extremely close to my parents. I always thought when I got pregnant we would all be super excited together and that is not what is happening at all. I feel guilty talking about it with them because I feel like it makes them sad every time I do. I also don't want to be like "oh everything is fantastic with me cause I'm having a baby and who cares about your problems". Because of all of this I have been having a really hard time feeling the excitement that I thought I was going to feel about this baby. Don't get me wrong I am very happy to be pregnant and DH & I tried for a long time for this. I can't wait to meet my child but I wish I was able to just have this be a joyous time without this black cloud hanging over us.
I know this has been a long post and probably sounds like a pity party but thank you for reading this.
He is not in excruciating pain but has occasional pain in his stomach and also has a very bad back so he seems constantly uncomfortable. The worst is that he is in a major state of depression. He doesn't want to try to do anything. Some days he won't even shower or get dressed. He breaks into tears constantly. He doesn't want to see any of his friends. And he takes his anger about the situation out on my mom.
My mom on the other hand is completely stressed out and going into her own state of depression (she has suffered from depression for years too). She works full time and when she isn't working her entire time is spent doing nothing but taking care of my stepdad. Even after she makes him something to eat or makes sure he showers/dresses she will not leave the house other than when she has to go to work. If he is just sitting in his chair watching tv or napping she just sits there and watches him or she will ask him every 5 minutes if he is ok. She is completely scared and paranoid he is going to have another stroke or something else will happen to him (which I understand). She is also a control freak by nature and it's driving her crazy that nothing she can do can fix him. She is also crying a lot and feels at the end of her rope.
Ok so now here comes my vent...THIS SUCKS AND ISN'T FAIR!!!! Ever since he was diagnosed it has been difficult to talk to my parents about my pregnancy. If I bring it up to my stepdad he starts to cry and says he hopes he is still here to see the baby. Then he says even if he is still here he doesn't know what condition he will be in and if he will be able to hold the baby and do things a grandfather should do. My mom on the other hand tries to put up a front that she is excited yet anytime I try to get her to go somewhere with me to look at stuff for the baby or call her for advice for things going on with my pregnancy she doesn't have time or the conversation becomes about how difficult things are with my stepdad and how she doesn't know what to do.
I am an only child and have always been extremely close to my parents. I always thought when I got pregnant we would all be super excited together and that is not what is happening at all. I feel guilty talking about it with them because I feel like it makes them sad every time I do. I also don't want to be like "oh everything is fantastic with me cause I'm having a baby and who cares about your problems". Because of all of this I have been having a really hard time feeling the excitement that I thought I was going to feel about this baby. Don't get me wrong I am very happy to be pregnant and DH & I tried for a long time for this. I can't wait to meet my child but I wish I was able to just have this be a joyous time without this black cloud hanging over us.
I know this has been a long post and probably sounds like a pity party but thank you for reading this.
Melissa
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Wishing things were different...bit of a vent (LONG)
Little Man arrived 3/28/14 at 10:32pm
9 lb 1 oz & 21 3/4 inches
My MIL has stage four cancer and has for several years. What we have found helping her stay positive and out of depression is trying to include her in as much as possible. The days she gets chemo and several days after are hard on her so we'll bring food over and have a picnic at her house or bring her items that we just bought to get her opinion. On days she's feeling better, we will go out somewhere with her. We talk about fun stories about our LOs now and talk about the future children. She really likes that.
Cancer is hard on everyone. I understand why your mom doesn't want to leave his side and I understand why your step dad is depressed and angry. I also understand why you are sad and wished things were different. Hugs to you and I hope he gets better.
RIP Dr. Irving Fishman - 10/1/19-7/25/10 - thank you for holding on for me.
You made my wedding day complete.
Your mom and stepdad are going through a lot right now, and you are an only child. Don't take this the wrong way, but only children sometimes feel like the world revolves around them moreso than children with siblings, simply because they never had to share their parents' attention with siblings. It sounds like you are doing the best you can right now given the situation...but based on your experiences so far, maybe "bonding" over baby with your mom and stepdad is just not in the cards right now. Sucks, but maybe you can talk to friends or other family about it for now.
I'm 16 weeks, so working on the assumption you are about the same, that means your SD has only been going through chemo, strokes, etc for the past 2 months. That may seem like a long time, but 2 months is not a lot of time to adjust to all the bad things that are going on for him.
Stay strong for them and maybe offer to help them with something (I know, like we don't have enough to do already with our own homes!!). Go over to their house one day and do some laundry or clean up their kitchen, as I'm sure the state of their house has suffered from this trauma. That will give you an excuse to see them and hang out with them.
As you get further along, your bump will grow, and there will be no denying this baby is coming. Some ppl, esp men, are "out of sight out of mind" creatures. Your SD has so much on his plate that thinking about this baby is too much right now. But as time passes and he gets used to chemo and seeing you grow, his outlook will become sunnier.
My husband and I were with him every single day through those four months. They were hard. During that time I lost my job, started my own business, and we had to move due to the loss of income. Those four months were the longest months of our life. My husbands dad never remarried and my husband was an only child so everything fell on him.
Your mom is in a state of hell right now and she likely doesn't want to leave your step dad's side. It's a normal reaction. And while hearing about the baby might make your stepdad sad because he is afraid he might not meet your LO my guess he is also very happy to see what new item you bought or your current ultrasound picture. My FIL loved to talk about our future children - which was pretty difficult for me because I had lost hope it would even happen.
Hang in there. This does suck and it isn't fair. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
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I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. Maybe look at things this way. Every living thing is a miracle and gift from God. Your baby is a miracle. Your stepfather, everyday that he wakes up is the gift of another day. Everytime he smiles or the time you all have together is a gift and a miracle. Worrying is understandable but every second they worry they are missing out on something miraculous, as simple a thing it may be. The unknown is scary, disease is scary, the thought of being alone is scary but I think not living the miracle and gift of life is even scarier. Enjoy the people around you and inside you. Will be thinking of you!
My dad died of cancer when I was 7 weeks pregnant with B. I didn't tell anyone when I found out that time was used to say goodbye to my dad and to support my mom. Your parents world is spinning upside down right now. Give them sometime to digest what is happening in their world. Talk about your pregnancy but don't expect them to do be able to dedicate all their attention to it. They probably are crazy excited for you!
I also just wanted to address the comment about me being an only child. I DO NOT expect my parents lives to revolve around me. I didn't expect that before my stepdad got sick and I absolutely do not expect that now. What I meant was that I had hoped I would have been able to share the whole experience of me being pregnant and the preparation for the baby with my parents and based on how things have been going so far I feel like I can't. Unfortunately I do not have any other family than my parents and my husband. I am not very close with my in laws and I am the first of my small group of friends to get pregnant. My husband tries to be there for me but he doesn't really know what to say or do. My mom truly is my best friend and the person I have always talked to about everything. And because of how much my mom means to me as does my stepdad I feel like I just have to be there for them to help them deal and my feelings/experiences (including any joy) have to be kept hidden to protect them.
It is hard to write every detail of the situation in a single post so I just wanted to clarify some stuff. The while point of me venting on the board is really because I feel like I can't share my feelings with anyone else. Again thank you for listening.
Melissa
Chemo is rough along with all the other emotional things. Just try to put your baby and happiness on the back burner for now when you are talking to them for now since it seems to just upset them. I think they are, of course, very happy for you....but it is just too much right now with all the bad stuff they're dealing with
They will come around and in the mean time you have to be there for them and support them...they'll be more likely to return the favor when you REALLY need it when baby gets here in the flesh!