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Blended Families
ambrvan
member
adoption
ambrvan
member
In light of all the adoption talk here recently, I just wanted to put something else out there.
My friend's FI adopted his SD from his first marriage, and he pays CS without fail and yet does not even get to see her. He adopted her when she was 9, and pays almost $500/mo in CS (rare in our area even for two children). The BM is an unemployed millionaire. She was a high end self-employed real estate agent, and when her mother died after having received a huge civil suit settlement, she became a millionaire.
She has seriously alienated the child from her adopted father. And now despite his sincerest attempts to be in her life (going to all her volleyball games that he can, calling/texting her everyday with no reply or an "I hate you" reply, inviting her to go eat dinner/breakfast often), the child wants nothing to do with him, he is stuck paying CS, and the BM is now threatening to go back to court to try to make him pay CS though college (which his attorney told him is not possible in TN) if he won't give her the money when he claims child on taxes next year.
Point is, when considering adoption, whether you're the one adopting or your spouse is, there are a lot of potential downsides to consider.
As @+just+j+ said in another post, if you were to divorce, would you seriously want the adoptive parent to continue visitation and relationship with your bio child? Would you feel the same if the divorce was on particularly hurtful terms such as infidelity?
Edited for typos and to add...
Just for the record, I am not against spousal adoption. We would like to someday be to the point where I can legally adopt SD so that it is certain what would happen if something should happen to DH. We know that is in SD's best interest.
My friend's FI adopted his SD from his first marriage, and he pays CS without fail and yet does not even get to see her. He adopted her when she was 9, and pays almost $500/mo in CS (rare in our area even for two children). The BM is an unemployed millionaire. She was a high end self-employed real estate agent, and when her mother died after having received a huge civil suit settlement, she became a millionaire.
She has seriously alienated the child from her adopted father. And now despite his sincerest attempts to be in her life (going to all her volleyball games that he can, calling/texting her everyday with no reply or an "I hate you" reply, inviting her to go eat dinner/breakfast often), the child wants nothing to do with him, he is stuck paying CS, and the BM is now threatening to go back to court to try to make him pay CS though college (which his attorney told him is not possible in TN) if he won't give her the money when he claims child on taxes next year.
Point is, when considering adoption, whether you're the one adopting or your spouse is, there are a lot of potential downsides to consider.
As @+just+j+ said in another post, if you were to divorce, would you seriously want the adoptive parent to continue visitation and relationship with your bio child? Would you feel the same if the divorce was on particularly hurtful terms such as infidelity?
Edited for typos and to add...
Just for the record, I am not against spousal adoption. We would like to someday be to the point where I can legally adopt SD so that it is certain what would happen if something should happen to DH. We know that is in SD's best interest.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: adoption
The difference with having a baby with a BSC Person and adopting a baby with one is that in most cases the step-parent that adopts the child has less of a bond. And to be quite honest usually is less vested in keeping a relationship with the child. And I really think many step-parent adoptions also happen because the step-parent feels obligated. Not saying all obviously but it happens. I think it is often the wife pushing for it and not the DH begging to adopt the child because they want the relationship to be legal.
I'm just saying, in a hypothetical situation if BM signed over rights to my SKs to DH and made a deal with her to continue visits and I adopted them and we divorced...they would still be my kids. There is no way in hell I would split time 3 ways so BM could still see them and that would be on DH to work out with BM on his time because at that point she wouldn't be MY problem anymore.
And I'm not saying a stepparent can't have a bigger bond with a child than a bio-parent. They can and I will say DD has a much greater bond with DH than her BD. If DH and I were to divorce, I would allow DD to still go visit him however it would be less than DS because DD already has to go see her BD and I'm not willing to give up more than maybe a night a month extra than I already have to.
Every situation is unique. If you have a BD/BM who takes visitation and is able to care for DC I don't really think its even a consideration. It has to ultimately no matter what be better for the child no matter how bad things get between you and your spouse. If you have a BD who can't/won't provide for themselves or a BM who's a stranger I think it's plausible to consider this because it does appear to be in the child's best interest and provide them with stability should something happen to the CP.
With a GD who's abusive, on bovine steroids and who's been called a psychopath by people who have run across him in recent years, yes I would consider adoption. My bottom line if we ever get to this is BH is the ONLY man I've ever wanted to TTC a child with. He is the only man who can be the father I expect for my children. Our eldest was a miracle for me and saved me but I didn't try to conceive with GD or feel that desire. Anything that happens between us is not a reflection on his relationship with his children, it's a reflection on the relationship between us. He tries to ensure a child that isn't his has the best care possible because that child is innocent of BM's choices. I know he loves DC1 by his actions even if they don't have as strong a bond as they could. Even so, a life with him would be better for DC1 than the alternative. I'd adopt LO2 (BH's) if given the opportunity. It won't ever happen but I would do it and never look back. I love that kid and I've spent more than few nights in tears over concerns I have for LO2 or just missing something like b-day this year because LO was with BM and she doesn't like me. BH did see LO but I couldn't. I don't see LO2 any different than LO1.
My grandparents split up over an affair. (Yeah, I've been exposed to a lot dealing with BF). They were both bio parents but my grandmother made her children choose and now they are trying to re-establish a relationship with their father and she still insists a relationship with him reflects a lack of love for their mother. Seeing what that has done makes me determined not to do that to our children. It seems like a much bigger issue for the adopter than the bio parent. What kind of person the adopter is also plays a big part. There are so many variables its impossible not to look at this on a case by case basis.
@Ambrvan: I'm surprised there isn't more law enforcement should be able to do to enforce your friend's rights.
I also think its insane that a kid could know one person their entire life as their primary father and that person could just walk away one day due to a divorce.
I think having sex with someone one night that results in a child is a terrible reason to create a lifelong dysfunctional relationship with them. If everyone can
Obviously a good person would not adopt a child and walk but unfortunately it happens. And I think that we see a lot of people come of here that do not have extreme situations and still want their new DH to adopt their kids. It is not a one size fits all answer which is why I throw out my comments because people can be short sighted...about many things not just this.
I also don't think that meeting a new great guy allows you to rewrite history and give your kid a new Dad. And don't get me wrong, there are many situations where I think step-parent adoption should be allowed like Ambrvan. But I do have fears that even when it is a great idea that often the bio-parent changes their mind when they split eventually especially if there are no other kids involved then they don't want the adoptive parent involved.
I was adopted by my SD when I was 7. My mom had been married to him for about 3 years and he cheated on her multiple times throughout their marriage, they separated when I was 9.
My dad never paid child support, and I visited my dad (SD) when my brother (not my moms child) was visiting. I eventually went to live with my dad when I was 13 & I have a close relationship with him to this day.
Granted, this isn't typical but it's definitely helped me understand how to look at my own situation with my DC.
(My dad had been in my life since I was 2, but I did know my biological dad and his family, I lived with them from the time I was 18 months until I was 5).
He is not doing it for any reason other than as a gift two the kids, who are 16 and a few months shy of 18. There really is no point to this adoption other than they want to get rid of their abusive BD's last name (he has had no contact nor paid CS since he disappeared from their lives after the divorce). It was a request that the kids had talked about between themselves and then approached their mom and her FI and requested it.
My friend knows where BD is, the kids no where he is, and despite their attempts to reach out to him at first, he wants nothing to do with them. My friend contacted him about an addition and he was more than happy to let them go because he didn't want to pay for them.