Anyone else's boss being an asshole about their pregnancy?

Charleyrose · September 2013

So yesterday I told my boss I was expecting. I wanted to give her as much notice as possible as I am a dance instructor for her, and my due date is March 31st. The problem with this is the recital is in April so naturally she is FREAKING OUT. I was a bit annoyed when she used the word "burden" and said she had to find another teacher. I plan to have my students ready for their recital and would only need someone to come in and run the dances at the very end. I explained to her I planned to work until 2 weeks before my due date unless a Dr. put me on bed rest. I doubt this will happen.....I am young, in excellent health, and my mom had 4 kids all went smoothly. So here is my question. She seems to be alluding to the fact of letting me go, or at least taking my modern dance classes away. Is this illegal? I was reading about discrimination online and it said if the place of business employs 15 people or more that is when this is illegal, but because this is a small studio with less than that for the teaching staff, I have a feeling I have no rights here. I am also pissed when she kept saying I wish you told me sooner. I was like, ok lady, I just heard the heartbeat last wednesday, and just told you the following Monday. Jesus, you would think me giving her 6 months of notice would be respectable. Best part, the dragon lady has 3 kids. I wonder if she asked her employers prior to getting pregnant if this was ok with them.

Avion22 · September 2013

Give her some time to come around. I get the feeling that this was just her gut reaction, and she was speaking out of surprise.

I'm not really sure about the legal part, but I know it has to do with the number of employees.

I think your best bet is to sit down with her in a few days (or maybe a week) and address some of the fears that she mentioned. Tell her that you plan to prepare for the recital as much as you can, and get your students as ready as possible. If she gets weird again, you might just remind her of whatever info you get regarding your legal rights.

tammimetzler · September 2013

Yikes! Sorry you had to go through that.

I used to work at a dance studio (as office manager, not dance teacher) and know how nutso recital time gets (and how it can turn even the most sane people, like the owner of the studio I worked at, into raging lunatics because they want everything just right!). The last year I worked there, one of the dance teachers went on maternity leave right before the recital and the world didn't come crashing down. I get the concern, as everyone works so hard all year to put on a stellar recital but also think, as Avion22 mentioned, that she was probably just trying to process. I would also suggest giving her some time to digest this info, and in the meantime looking into the laws in your state so you know your rights, if she does try to fire you. You would think after having 3 kids of her own that she'd know this kind of stress is the LAST thing you need right now!

Hope all turns out well.

Charleyrose · September 2013

Thanks girls. The other thing that is so annoying to me, is I have my own dance company and I have produced 4 full length concerts on my own. I have no assistants, no nothing. I do EVERYTHING. My work is done one month before our show. I clean the dances, turn the dancers away from the mirror so they are ready for stage. My backup plans and lists, have backup plans and lists. My girls are always ready, always organized and prepared. I guess it just bothers me that she just assumes I can't do my job anymore just because I am pregnant. She even had the nerve to say to me, well I worked until the day before I delivered. Good for you lady. I am sure lots of people have! LOL! People have been having babies since the beginning of time lol!

abbyful · September 2013

I used to dance. Do you have multiple ages in your studio? The studio I danced at was ages 3 through college. The high school and college girls would be extra teachers or stand-in teachers for classes of younger girls. What age do you teach? Couldn't the studio owner have one of the older girls shadow your class for a couple months as an assistant and then take over for the last month? Seems to me your boss is making this out to be a much bigger deal than it actually is.

Abclyons · September 2013

It would be illegal for her to fire you based on the fact that you are pregnant. I was terminated from my last job about a month after I told them I was pregnant with no reasoning. All of a sudden they were unhappy with my performance but I had no write ups or disciplinary actions against me. When just a month before I told them about my pregnancy I was put up for a promotion. Needless to say I sued them and won so it's not always a waste of time. So if they do fire you, my advice is to find a good employment law lawyer.

Charleyrose · September 2013

GhostMonkey said:

Charleyrose said:

So yesterday I told my boss I was expecting. I wanted to give her as much notice as possible as I am a dance instructor for her, and my due date is March 31st. The problem with this is the recital is in April so naturally she is FREAKING OUT. I was a bit annoyed when she used the word "burden" and said she had to find another teacher. I plan to have my students ready for their recital and would only need someone to come in and run the dances at the very end. I explained to her I planned to work until 2 weeks before my due date unless a Dr. put me on bed rest. I doubt this will happen.....I am young, in excellent health, and my mom had 4 kids all went smoothly. So here is my question. She seems to be alluding to the fact of letting me go, or at least taking my modern dance classes away. Is this illegal? I was reading about discrimination online and it said if the place of business employs 15 people or more that is when this is illegal, but because this is a small studio with less than that for the teaching staff, I have a feeling I have no rights here. I am also pissed when she kept saying I wish you told me sooner. I was like, ok lady, I just heard the heartbeat last wednesday, and just told you the following Monday. Jesus, you would think me giving her 6 months of notice would be respectable. Best part, the dragon lady has 3 kids. I wonder if she asked her employers prior to getting pregnant if this was ok with them.

Oh, to be this ridiculously naive.

None of those things guarantee or reduce your risk of bed rest.

Oh to be this ridiculously rude

Charleyrose · September 2013

BBnut said:

Kimbus22 said:

She was just pointing out that it's naive to assume that you'll have no issues because you're young and healthy. Plenty of women who no prior issues end up on bed rest for months. Is is likely? Probably not. But don't make all of your plans assuming it'll be smooth sailing. Being pregnant is great practice for having a kid. You realize you have almost no control over anything and you hope for the best.

This! No risk factors doesn't mean you'll make it to 38 weeks smooth sailing.

I understand exactly what she was saying, I just think she could have been nicer about it. I have been on this site a very short time and so far I have seen countless snarky comments to people's posts. I guess I am just disappointed and annoyed by that. Everyone should remember they were all pregnant for the first time once. If you have a personal experience or advice to share, you should do so in a supportive way especially given the fact that in reading this post you can imagine what a stressful week I have had already.

Charleyrose · September 2013

GhostMonkey said:

Charleyrose said:

BBnut said:

Kimbus22 said:

She was just pointing out that it's naive to assume that you'll have no issues because you're young and healthy. Plenty of women who no prior issues end up on bed rest for months. Is is likely? Probably not. But don't make all of your plans assuming it'll be smooth sailing. Being pregnant is great practice for having a kid. You realize you have almost no control over anything and you hope for the best.

This! No risk factors doesn't mean you'll make it to 38 weeks smooth sailing.

I understand exactly what she was saying, I just think she could have been nicer about it. I have been on this site a very short time and so far I have seen countless snarky comments to people's posts. I guess I am just disappointed and annoyed by that. Everyone should remember they were all pregnant for the first time once. If you have a personal experience or advice to share, you should do so in a supportive way especially given the fact that in reading this post you can imagine what a stressful week I have had already.

Then go to another site. There was nothing rude about my response. Grow up. You are in for a rough life if you get butthurt that easily.

LOL! Wow, you're right, you don't seem like a rude person at all. Have a nice day

MNgirl326 · September 2013

Whether you like it or not, being pregnant can be a burden on your employer. You could go on bed rest, the amount you will be able to do will reduced as you get bigger, you will need someone to replace you for maternity leave, and if you nurse you will need a place and time to pump. That's just reality.

Hopefully she will come around, and I agree she didn't handle it with the best professionalism, but to be naïve that EVERYONE is always going to be as excited for your pregnancy is you are is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

msronzio · September 2013

abartow said:

Whether you like it or not, being pregnant can be a burden on your employer. You could go on bed rest, the amount you will be able to do will reduced as you get bigger, you will need someone to replace you for maternity leave, and if you nurse you will need a place and time to pump. That's just reality.
Hopefully she will come around, and I agree she didn't handle it with the best professionalism, but to be naïve that EVERYONE is always going to be as excited for your pregnancy is you are is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I don't think anywhere in the OP does she state she expects her to be more excited. I think she said something along the lines of, is 6 months not enough notice for my asshole boss and is this illegal.

I guess I'm in the minority here, being the only one who'd be offended in this thread if my boss called my unborn child a burden.

My only advice is it sounds like she was just trying to process it. Dance is of the arts so it's going to already be a highly stressful job. I don't count OP as naïve on account of the fact that she runs her own sideshow. But that's just me

I'd say start looking for other work just in case. It's better to do it now when you're not showing. Maybe you will get lucky and find another employer who is flexible and understands? I wasn't so lucky.

MNgirl326 · September 2013

msronzio said:

abartow said:

Whether you like it or not, being pregnant can be a burden on your employer. You could go on bed rest, the amount you will be able to do will reduced as you get bigger, you will need someone to replace you for maternity leave, and if you nurse you will need a place and time to pump. That's just reality.
Hopefully she will come around, and I agree she didn't handle it with the best professionalism, but to be naïve that EVERYONE is always going to be as excited for your pregnancy is you are is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

I don't think anywhere in the OP does she state she expects her to be more excited. I think she said something along the lines of, is 6 months not enough notice for my asshole boss and is this illegal.
I guess I'm in the minority here, being the only one who'd be offended in this thread if my boss called my unborn child a burden.

My only advice is it sounds like she was just trying to process it. Dance is of the arts so it's going to already be a highly stressful job. I don't count OP as naïve on account of the fact that she runs her own sideshow. But that's just me
I'd say start looking for other work just in case. It's better to do it now when you're not showing. Maybe you will get lucky and find another employer who is flexible and understands? I wasn't so lucky.

I meant excited as in happy for you and not thinking about how its going to effect themselves. Yes, 6 months is plenty of time, but that doesn't mean its not a PITA for the employer. Also, many times, not all the times, but many times, the employer bends over backwards for the pregnant person and their needs, and then the person ends up deciding to stay home or got to more part time and the employer has to find some else. The employer has to legally do things for you, but that doesn't mean they be happy about it.

MNgirl326 · September 2013

Also if she talking about finding a replacement for various classes, it is possible (I know it is hard to believe that you aren't the first person ever to be pregnant) that maybe she has been through this before and has a little bit of clue what she is talking about.

Right now sure it feels like you can conquer the world, expcept for M/s but as your belly gets bigger, your feet get more swollen and the weeks drag on, your motivation, desire and ability to do your job get less.

I remember, my principal started puling me from things and responsibilities and I remember thinking, I am just pregnant not an invalid! I remember arguing with her that I could still do things and she was like, ok, if you insist.

Guess who was in her office a few months later with her tail between her legs asking to be relived from various responsibilities. Me. I had RLP so bad I could hardly walk, my 5 '2 frame had a giant belly and I could barely reach over to pick up a marker so lunch duty became a huge issue and I simply couldn't do all the things I wanted to because I was pregnant.

Yes, the dance director may not have handled things in the most professional way, but my guess is she is just thinking down the road and trying to cover all her own bases and needs.

MrsRachelRamsey2012 · September 2013

I feel your pain! I lost my job a few weeks ago shortly after telling my employer i am pregnant. I worked at a small clinic for the last year with less then 15 employees. The employer laid me off because of "lack of work" but kept the new girl i had been training all summer! It has been tough to deal with but i realized there is not much i can do because there is no way to prove they laid me off because of my pregnancy. Don't let these negative comments get to you. This should be a happy time in your life. If they do get rid of you just remember your everything happens for a reason. Good luck.

starskristen79 · September 2013

I am sorry you are going through this. That does stink! I hope she eases up on you. I do not think someone calling your baby a burden must have been very easy to hear, especially in our hormonal first trimesters!!! I do agree that you cannot prevent anything bad from happening, but I didn't think you were out of line for saying you don't foresee any problems. Good Luck!

Charleyrose · September 2013

Thanks everyone, I actually have 3 jobs, so if I lose this one it will not be the end of the world. However, I was planning to use all my income from this job to be able to take 3 months off when the baby is born. I am self employed so if I am not working, I am not making any money. The dance studio is closed in the summer, so I had planned to be back to work that Fall. We will see what happens. My co-worker had warned me that the director can be very difficult and dramatic and gossipy, so if things escalate, I don't want to work for someone like that anyway. I just want to enjoy this special time in my life and I don't need all that negativity and drama surrounding me. You know? I just mostly wondered if the law still covered me in a company of less than 15 people, but it sounds like nobody really knows the answer to that.

railroadRN · September 2013

Did your doctor say you had to stop working 2 weeks before your due date? Most doctors advise to continue working up until your due date unless instructed to do otherwise. Maybe the additional 2 weeks you are adding before the recital are what is frustrating to your employer.

Marcilene1 · September 2013

railroadRN said:

Did your doctor say you had to stop working 2 weeks before your due date? Most doctors advise to continue working up until your due date unless instructed to do otherwise. Maybe the additional 2 weeks you are adding before the recital are what is frustrating to your employer.

I think it's not a bad idea at all to plan that you won't be able to work the two weeks before the due date and I think that that IS being more considerate of your employer. A lot of women plan to work right up until their due date and end up on bed rest, delivering a bit early, or just plain too uncomfortable to work anymore (depending on the type of job). I think it's better to be realistic about it early on that it is very likely that you won't be able to work that close to your due date so that your employer can come up with a contingency plan now as opposed to last minute.

Luckie519 · September 2013

Overall, my supervisors have been understanding, however there have been a couple of times, my immediate supervisor has given me a hard time about the schedule. Like I was scheduled for a shift and had someone swap shifts with me (basically, the time was covered and no OT) and she gave me a hard time.

railroadRN · September 2013

Marcilene1 said:

railroadRN said:

Did your doctor say you had to stop working 2 weeks before your due date? Most doctors advise to continue working up until your due date unless instructed to do otherwise. Maybe the additional 2 weeks you are adding before the recital are what is frustrating to your employer.

I think it's not a bad idea at all to plan that you won't be able to work the two weeks before the due date and I think that that IS being more considerate of your employer. A lot of women plan to work right up until their due date and end up on bed rest, delivering a bit early, or just plain too uncomfortable to work anymore (depending on the type of job). I think it's better to be realistic about it early on that it is very likely that you won't be able to work that close to your due date so that your employer can come up with a contingency plan now as opposed to last minute.

The question was if her physician had advised her to do this.

Also, if Abby Lee Miller can be morbidly obese and run dances, I think know a pregnant woman can do it. Pregnancy is not a disability.

Marcilene1 · September 2013

railroadRN said:

Marcilene1 said:

railroadRN said:

Did your doctor say you had to stop working 2 weeks before your due date? Most doctors advise to continue working up until your due date unless instructed to do otherwise. Maybe the additional 2 weeks you are adding before the recital are what is frustrating to your employer.

I think it's not a bad idea at all to plan that you won't be able to work the two weeks before the due date and I think that that IS being more considerate of your employer. A lot of women plan to work right up until their due date and end up on bed rest, delivering a bit early, or just plain too uncomfortable to work anymore (depending on the type of job). I think it's better to be realistic about it early on that it is very likely that you won't be able to work that close to your due date so that your employer can come up with a contingency plan now as opposed to last minute.

The question was if her physician had advised her to do this.

Also, if Abby Lee Miller can be morbidly obese and run dances, I think know a pregnant woman can do it. Pregnancy is not a disability.

1. I don't know who Abby Lee Miller is.

2. Of course a pregnant woman can run dances, and do lots of other physically demanding things as well. However, it's not a bad idea to think that maybe, just maybe things come up during pregnancy that are not planned and even the most healthy women are put on bed rest and are not able to do things that had planned to do/wanted to do. I am one of these women. With my first pregnancy I was due June 25 and had planned to work up until my due date or when I went into labor (whichever came first). I was put on bed rest mid-May and gave birth on June 13. It happens and it's not a bad idea to be prepared for it and for your boss to be prepared for it as well.

MNgirl326 · September 2013

railroadRN said:

Marcilene1 said:

railroadRN said:

Did your doctor say you had to stop working 2 weeks before your due date? Most doctors advise to continue working up until your due date unless instructed to do otherwise. Maybe the additional 2 weeks you are adding before the recital are what is frustrating to your employer.

I think it's not a bad idea at all to plan that you won't be able to work the two weeks before the due date and I think that that IS being more considerate of your employer. A lot of women plan to work right up until their due date and end up on bed rest, delivering a bit early, or just plain too uncomfortable to work anymore (depending on the type of job). I think it's better to be realistic about it early on that it is very likely that you won't be able to work that close to your due date so that your employer can come up with a contingency plan now as opposed to last minute.

The question was if her physician had advised her to do this.

Also, if Abby Lee Miller can be morbidly obese and run dances, I think know a pregnant woman can do it. Pregnancy is not a disability.

Thank you captain obvious. Of course it is not a diability. That doesn't mean you can do everything you used to be able to do. Abby Miller runs her studio by hiring other teachers to actually show the moves and demonstrate the routines. So, your comparison is not accurate, especially if the pregnant person is the one who usually does the demonstrations.

Just because someone works till their due date, doesn't make them the most effective worker. I was due June 7th, the last day of school. My last day of work was June 4th, which was a Friday. That last week, I was a body in a classroom making sure the kids didn't run wild, but I was in no way an effective teacher. Luckily it was the end of the school year, so it was filled with lots of lets take and extra recess and then clean out our desks, but still my over all teaching went down the tubes those last couple weeks. I think it is good to plan to work as long as you can, but also be realistic that it may not happen that way.

Charleyrose · September 2013

railroadRN said:

Marcilene1 said:

railroadRN said:

Did your doctor say you had to stop working 2 weeks before your due date? Most doctors advise to continue working up until your due date unless instructed to do otherwise. Maybe the additional 2 weeks you are adding before the recital are what is frustrating to your employer.

I think it's not a bad idea at all to plan that you won't be able to work the two weeks before the due date and I think that that IS being more considerate of your employer. A lot of women plan to work right up until their due date and end up on bed rest, delivering a bit early, or just plain too uncomfortable to work anymore (depending on the type of job). I think it's better to be realistic about it early on that it is very likely that you won't be able to work that close to your due date so that your employer can come up with a contingency plan now as opposed to last minute.

The question was if her physician had advised her to do this.

Also, if Abby Lee Miller can be morbidly obese and run dances, I think know a pregnant woman can do it. Pregnancy is not a disability.

Bwahaha! Abby Lee Miller....good God, that woman is insane lol! For people who are not in the dance field, this may be hard for you to imagine, but a lot of teaching is not using your own body to demonstrate, it is hands on corrections, providing imagery, creating appropriate exercises for students to drill the progression of a step etc. I have been in the field almost 30 years, so I am used to teaching in all situations. I have had to teach through sickness, injury etc. Also, in certain techniques there are systematic exercises that are practiced the same way each class, so once the students know that exercise for example, all I have to do is call out the name and they go into the sequence. Since I am so early right now, I have been able to demonstrate everything, and in 4 months when I am huge the kids will already know through constant practice and drilling those steps we have begun to cover. I also teach pilates equipment classes privately, same thing in that field, they actually frown upon teachers who demonstrate or do the entire class with the client. You are supposed to use your voice and cues to get your students in the correct positions, hands on corrections are the most important aspect. Just thought I should mention this as I am sure my line of work is kind of foreign to people who are not dancers. As for the two week thing, out of consideration to the recital being so close, it would make sense to have the sub in place at that point as a just incase. Also, the job is over an hour from where I live and the hospital so I would rather be close by. Could I go into labor before that? Obviously. I don't decide, it will happen when it will happen.

mom2be614 · September 2013

@charleyrose To answer your original question, I'm fairly certain that your boss can give your classes to someone else without any legal recourse. Also, I sympathize with being self-employed. I'm in the same boat, and it made things tricky the first time around for me. Fortunately, everything seems to work out in the end.

Charleyrose · September 2013

mom2be614 said:

@charleyrose To answer your original question, I'm fairly certain that your boss can give your classes to someone else without any legal recourse. Also, I sympathize with being self-employed. I'm in the same boat, and it made things tricky the first time around for me. Fortunately, everything seems to work out in the end.

Thanks! Good luck to you!

LollyLawlz · September 2013

With my first pregnancy my boss made my life a living hell. He made everything so difficult trying to make me quit. All I can say is document EVERYTHING. If in the end you do get let go it's very helpful to have proof of mistreatment.

MNgirl326 · October 2013

jennish11 said:

I'm assuming people on this website are so snippity because we are all pregnant.
HAHAHA.

For the original poster, my advice would be to communicate with your boss.
Give her a few days to process the information and then ask to talk to her about it.
Let her know that you understand it's a big change but you respect her and would appreciate her support. Tell her you are willing to work with her as much as she needs in order to make it a smooth transition and will keep her up to date on any restrictions you have that effect your job.
This should help her feel more comfortable knowing you are on her side.

I used to work for a small company and people would often initially freak out over leaves/life changes like this because there isn't as much resources to cover their loss.

Good luck!

i'm not pregnant.

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