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When to get professional help? (with a little venting)

AliW220AliW220 member
in Blended Families
This deals more with divorce, than blended families. But since many of you ladies have dealt with divorce, I figured you all were a good group to weigh in on this.
I am less than a year away from marriage #2. I'm beyond excited to have my life sorted out with a driven, supportive, wonderful man.

But I still feel those scars from my first marriage. I was with my ex from age 16. It feels like the unhealthy relationship has programmed my brain - most of it dealing with intimacy. For example: my first reaction to any compliment about my looks from FI is that he's trying to get me to sleep with him. I have done well with recognizing that I'm resorting to old defense mechanisms, but I can't seem to shake those initial reactions.
I also occasionally have dreams about my ex, about him abusing me, forcing himself on me. That is probably the most disturbing that I wish I could stop.

The idea of seeing a counselor seems silly to me for my situation. It's almost 2 years since my divorce, I'm not depressed or seriously struggling. But I also want to put my best foot forward in this new relationship, and not let issues from my past create rifts in my current relationship.

My real question is: how do you determine when to get some professional counseling to work through past relationships? Has counseling been effective to putting the past aside, or was it really just time that helped heal?

TIA.

Me: 29  DH: 33
Married April 1st 2017 <3
DS #1: May 2009 
DS #2: Jan 2012 

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Re: When to get professional help? (with a little venting)

  • suburbanstepmomsuburbanstepmom member

    In my experience many individual therapists (and couple's counselors alike) offer a free "consultation," both for your benefit and for theirs. That way you can discuss this exact concern with them - along with any other concerns like cost, scheduling, to go alone or with your fiance, ect.

    I'd suggest maybe researching some folks in your area and then going to a consultation. That may answer a lot of your questions. After my last relationship (also physically abusive) I went to individual counseling for about 1 year, and my SO and I now are also looking at doing couples counseling to help with some things also. I've found it incredibly helpful.

    Good luck!

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  • ambrvanambrvan member
    Coming from your FI's perspective, I have not been married before DH, but my H has. And the hurts from those marriages have created some real hurdles for us as a couple in our marriage. I have often wished he would just go talk to someone at least one or twice, if for no other reason than to get an outside perspective. Trapped alone with his wounds, because he tends to wall up and not share, he reverts to old defense mechanisms and ways of thinking and expectations. It can be a real communication barrier.
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  • twister22twister22 member
    I would definitely seek counseling, because I think it is extremely beneficial and will help you to move past a lot of things with your ex, and the therapist could give you great tools to better your current relationship. 
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  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    I've dealt with abuse; emotional/mental in two relationships and physical in one. I'll just say the abuse in the second one was very short lived and unexpected after a couple years together. Talking to someone isn't likely to hurt you. When my ex and I split he wanted to put the issues of the relationship fully on my shoulders. I agreed to see a therapist however after the initial interview I was told I didn't need to come back unless I wanted to. She felt I was well grounded, knew myself and my situation very well. Not what my EX wanted to hear but it was very validating for me. If you are considering it it's probably worth going in to talk.
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