Community› The Bump Message Boards› Blended Families
Blended Families
New Discussion

Termination of Rights

JEMmom2012JEMmom2012 member
in Blended Families
Hello. I have not been on this web site in a while so I will explain my situation.

I am a step mom of two wonderful children (I will refer to as the twins). I met their dad when they turned 2 and we got married when they were 3. I became involved in their lives when they were still 2, and moved in with their dad. (I know it was way too fast... Live and learn I suppose) Last year my husband and I had a daughter as well.

The twin's mom did see them on and off until they were 6 years old. Sometimes it was every weekend for a month or two then it would be 3-4 months before she showed any interest. We have always reached out to her, we have driven then to her, and facilitated visits. She used to see them for just a couple of hours at a time. I believe she did do three or four overnights. 3 years ago she had a son with her current husband. Since then she has slowly stopped coming and has not been to see them in 1.5 years. She has not called to check on them, written letters, sent messages on FB (she used to). We even put up that my SD was having spinal surgery in dec and no response. (She is friends with my husband and his mom on FB so she would have surely seen the post) She does not pay child support, we never made her because we really just wanted her to see them because we felt they needed to have their biological mom in their lives.

Recently they have started asking more questions. They are almost 8 now. They know she lives too far to walk (she did not have a license for a while) but they also know its not "far away". It's about 45 min. She post on her FB statuses about being in our area all the time now that she can drive again. (Hopefully she has a license) We are trying to be fair but honest. We don't want to lie... But we also don't want to tell them she just doesn't want to see them.

We have decided it is time to change the custody agreement. She technically had 50% custody although we do have primary physical custody. She can have say in things such as school and medical care per the custody agreement. Right now if anything were to happen to my husband they would go to her. As you can see this is a huge issue since she does not even know them. We spoke to the lawyer about termination of rights but I wanted to check here and see what information you all have on that.

So, long story short:

What can you tell me about termination of rights? (We are in NC)

I don't think she will terminate so what is your advice about custody agreements. What should we cover? Any advice on where to start?

If your still reading: you are amazing!!!

Report Reply to Post

Re: Termination of Rights

  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    If you spoke with a lawyer then he should have been able to tell you all that is possible and not possible. Many states no longer allow a parent to terminate their rites. I suggest that your husband establish a will stating his wishes and you are established ad a legal guardian if you have not already.

    I would pursue every legal course of action that is on your power to prevent this from happening. You sound like ypu are doing that so follow your lawyers advice.

    Good luck!
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • JEMmom2012JEMmom2012 member
    Hello.

    Thanks for your reply! The lawyer did give us some information. He said it has been greater then 6 months so we could try for termination of righst. However the courts will give her a lawyer.

    I guess I was more asking is it worth it? Does anyone have personal experience with a similar situation. Should we just go into with a plan to adjust the custody agreement?

    We are having a hard time right now. We want what's best for our children however we don't know what that is. we do know that their mom coming in and out of their lives like this seems to be having a negative effect. I don't know anyone in a similar situation.
    Report Reply
  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    Yes. Its worth it woth a bio parent like that. Fight for your kids.
    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
    Report Reply
  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Ditto J. Worst case it makes her step up which it sounds like is something that would make you happy.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
    Report Reply
  • JEMmom2012JEMmom2012 member
    Thanks everyone!

    I do believe it will force her to step up... Though not for long. Unfortunatly I belive she has moved on. Its something hard to grasp... how a mom can do such a thing. A change in the custody agreement will certainly be happening no matter what.

    My husband and I would like for her to give up her rights... Then I could eventually adopt. Though we want her in their lives she has showed it not beneficial to them, and her coming and going is actually detrimental. At this point we want them to have something stable and permanent.
    Report Reply
  • Littlejen22Littlejen22 member
    Know your states laws. Go after termination if not possible then go for hange of custody and child support because it is for the kids and not you. If you get CS and do not need it put it away for college, a car, extra curricular a which can be expensive, etc. Good luck.
    Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
    Report Reply
  • JEMmom2012JEMmom2012 member
    Thanks littlejen. Funny you mention that as I'm sitting in cheerleading class right now. We could certainly use CSS for this!!!!
    Report Reply
  • twister22twister22 member
    I would go for termination of rights. Have the twins had any counseling? Can the therapist provide a written statement about the positive affect it would have on their life for BM's rights to be terminated and for you to adopt them?

    You can show BM that you plan for a termination of rights for her, and if she doesn't agree to it then you can show her the proposed custody plan - which would include her paying CS, 50% of all medical bills, 50% of extra curricular activities, etc. Since she doesn't want to play an active role in their lives, I doubt she would be happy with financial contribution, and maybe the thought of that would be enough to have her just sign over her rights.
    image
    Report Reply
  • MommaMeg21MommaMeg21 member
    I posted on here awhile ago about having my DD's bio dad terminate his rights. I got alot of heat about wanting to do that.
    Well, my husband and I went ahead with it. Our lawyer told us first to contact bio dad and ask where he stood on the idea. He also said not to use CS as a weapon but the well being of DD. So after not speaking to him in over 3 years I called me and went straight to the point that DH wanted to adopt DD. Bio dad said yes in two seconds and I said thank you and that was it. the convo was no more then 1 minute. It was sad that he didn't even pause to think. But DH and I were so happy! Since he agreed the lawyers sent out papers he had to sign and then DH and I went in front of a judge and it was made offical.
    If bio dad didn't agree we were ready to go to court to terminate parental rights on the grounds of abandonment. Our lawyer said the longer it has been the stronger the case. And then it would be in the hands of the judge!
    Every case is different though! But if this is what is best for the kids do it!
    BabyFetus Ticker
    Report Reply
  • +just+j++just+j+ member
    MommaMeg21 said:
    I posted on here awhile ago about having my DD's bio dad terminate his rights. I got alot of heat about wanting to do that.


    I remember you.  And I just re-read that post. I don't see anyone giving you heat.  We all pretty much said similar things to you as we did the OP in this post.

     

    "he offered her the world. she said she had her own" - poet Monique Duval
    Report Reply
  • JEMmom2012JEMmom2012 member
    Twister- I showed my husband your post. He agreed completely and asked me to save the advice. Thank you. Honestly we never considered going for CS before and not 50%. I guess my worry is that she would expect 50% of the time with the kids. Unless she were to change a lot and stay that way for a long time we would not be okay with that. I hope that makes sense. It's not that we don't want them to be with their mom... But due to her history we don't trust her to have them that much, or to have that much say in their lives, and I know they would not be comfortable. Is it possible for us to have full custody and her have visitation and her still be expected to pay child support? I suppose if she actually did was she was suppose to we would be willing to add more visitation years down the road.

    I do think that forcing her to face the monetary reality of children (cs) would make her consider her decision to be in their life much closer. Currently she can say she's going to do something and never follow through. I suppose it also be easier for the courts to see follow through or lack there of if she does not pay child support.

    They are seeing a therapist due to the questions and feelings they have been having. Sometimes we just don't know what to say. That's a whole other post.

    MommaMeg:
    I really wished she would just say okay and let me adopt. I know through distant relatives that she has been telling people we are keeping the kids from her. I think her pride is too big to just give up her rights. I am so glad it worked out so well for you!!!


    I agree we need to do what's best for the twins. It's a fine line... I had parents who were in and out of my life. It never gets easy and I just don't want to see then go through all of the pain I went though.

    Thanks for all of the advice!
    Report Reply
  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    In my state in your position you'd just file for abandonment and move forward from there. They do a newspaper as for a certain period of time as public notice and then a judge hears the case Chou have to have a spouse willing to adopt but you are. In your position this is what I would do.
    Report Reply
  • JEMmom2012JEMmom2012 member
    Earthandfire: I have heard of that. However, would that still happen if we knew how to contact the mom? We know where she lives and she is still on FB. My mom had a son and he was in foster care until she "got clean". Well that took longer than expected and they moved and did not tell her where (she had visitation). Eventually when she found the child again the parents has adopted him... I guess that's what they did.

    Part of me would love this idea... Just to be done. However I still kind of feel like she needs one more chance to step up. I just can't imagine not seeing my kids (SK or biological kid). I guess I'm hoping to never have to tell the kids their moms not coming back. Ugh... What a sad thought.
    Report Reply
  • EarthandFireEarthandFire member
    A lawyer would be better able to answer for your state. When I discussed it I knew where my GD is (still do) but was not required to contact him directly about it. Ultimately you could allow BM back into your children's life at any point in time if you do this. There isn't a restraining order that goes with it. This is about how the law views you. Right now you have no rights and BM has all the rights. If heaven forbid DH passed you could get custody but the court could deny it and give it to BM who knows nothing about the DC you share. This will ensure if something happens you, the person they know and who is intimately knowable about there needs, will have the right to be there for your children and you can still give BM visitation. You may even be able to work it into the paperwork if that's what you want. You can let whomever you wish have whatever relationship with your kids. You'd lose any CS but your not getting that now anyway. You have to do what you think will be best for your children. Each situation though similar is unique of course.

    From a child who's GD abandon them, what's really important is knowing its not your fault. Someone else put a name to it in another post but kids blame themselves for parents fights and parents abandoning them. My mother really didn't talk about it. She still won't. It was my dad who brought my GD back into my life. Growing up I thought his actions had everything to do with me. They didn't, obviously, but that's not how I saw it then and that was something I had to come to terms with later but before the GD showed back up. My Dad rocks.
    Report Reply
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"