I can not believe the nerve of BM

cole2144 · September 2013

On Friday, SD came home from kindergarten with a project she had to do, the project was to make a collage or drawing of her family. DH sent BM a copy of the instructions in SD`s backpack when she went there on Monday along with a note asking if she wanted to do the project together since he felt SD should do one project including her whole family. The project was due today.

He never heard back other than her yelling he did not tell her Friday and we got SD yesterday and she told him all about her family project that she made at her mom`s and everyone who was on it (her mom`s family only). Also her mom did not send the collage with her to our house so SD could turn it in today. So we made a collage at our house yesterday to represent our side of her family.

BM texts my husband last night and demands that he come out of his way to her house this morning to pickup the project, again no mention about it only including her family. Also she has kept SD`s dance bag to make sure he will come by. She also did this for the first day of school, she refused to send the school supplies (provided by the school) to our house so DH would have to take SD there in the morning rather than just asking him to stop by or meeting him out front of school to walk SD in together. Uhh no, you could have sent the project with SD like you should have, you could have dropped it off last night at our house. DH tells her she will have to drop it off at SD`s school in the morning (she walks by the school every day to take the train to work).

This morning she sends him a nasty email telling him what a horrible father he was for not doing what she told him. BM makes me want to scream

+just+j+ · September 2013

Shes still trying to manipulate him. Good for your husband for standing his ground and not bowing to her.

When dd has this kind if a project i want her to include everyone. Everyone. Its ridiculous to deny any family she has in her life. We have heard this kind of story before here. I wonder hiw common it is in the schos for teachers to see this kind of crap being pulled by petty parents. So sad.

Wahoo · September 2013

If she holds the dance bag hostage just buy a leotard and tights at target. Good for your DH for standing up to her.

cole2144 · September 2013

Wahoo said:

If she holds the dance bag hostage just buy a leotard and tights at target. Good for your DH for standing up to her.

We are this weekend, it will just make life easier.

Lavender P · September 2013

Agree with the PPs. It's all about control and forcing DH to do what she wants. My SS's BM did the same thing with his stuff. She would make sure to have his soccer shoes and equipment so that he would just have to sit there and wait until she showed up. Then she would make a big production of getting him dressed. DH just bought him another pair of shoes and clothes so that SS didn't have to wait on his mom to get there. I think your BM and mine are sisters...

JessH1474 · September 2013

I think we might have the same BM....haha! I don't understand why these women are so petty!!! I'm glad your DH stuck to his guns about picking the items up, if she's anything like our BM she makes demands but would laugh in DH's face if we ever made the same type of demands to her.

cole2144 · September 2013

She called my husband screaming like a lunatic saying she is filing for custody and telling my SD what an a**hole my husband is.

Littlejen22 · September 2013

Ditto the above. Don't give in and she will hopefully lose interest. But if SD did not have the project to hand in I think you guys were wrong to only includ DHs family and for SD you could have included both sides and had her hand it in today. I also think sending it to BM on Monday to do instead of either doing it yourself or telling BM on Friday was wrong. I would hope most parents would start this project when assigned and the teacher gave it on Friday so she would have the weekend plus to do it and now BM only had Mon and Tue to do it but you guys had more time. And lesson learned if you want something done right them do it yourself. Doesnt DH know BMs family enough to not need tons of help?

cole2144 · September 2013

Littlejen22 said:

Ditto the above. Don't give in and she will hopefully lose interest. But if SD did not have the project to hand in I think you guys were wrong to only includ DHs family and for SD you could have included both sides and had her hand it in today. I also think sending it to BM on Monday to do instead of either doing it yourself or telling BM on Friday was wrong. I would hope most parents would start this project when assigned and the teacher gave it on Friday so she would have the weekend plus to do it and now BM only had Mon and Tue to do it but you guys had more time. And lesson learned if you want something done right them do it yourself. Doesnt DH know BMs family enough to not need tons of help?

SD is in kindergarten, this is not a high school project. All she had to do was make a photo collage or draw a picture. We waited to do ours until after we passed the info to BM because if she would consent to doing one project she could have sent pictures to our house or left us some space to put our pictures in. We do not have pictures of her family to include on the one made here and BM really would have flipped shit if we did not turn in the one she made even if we included her side on the one here. SD did the one here yesterday and it did not take long and came out super cute. BM had two days and she did not have to do the project on her own. SD should have did one.

Littlejen22 · September 2013

Sorry, that makes sense!

cole2144 · September 2013

wendilea said:

And these are the types of BMs who later tell the high school that your DH is dead. Christ, we had to do a family tree, and I just emailed Dink and he sent me pictures.

Nothing she does would surprise me. See what you did is how things should be.

cole2144 · September 2013

wendilea said:

Yeah, he is pretty good about cooperating with school stuff, and I do list him on the school paperwork. So we co-parent well in that aspect. It's just when he has to, you know, SEE his kids, that he slacks off.

BM1 told the HS DH was dead. Imagine their surprise when he called from the grave.

Yeah that is terrible, I can`t imagine not seeing my children especially. The situation is not funny at all but I can imagine the shock the school had when they heard from him.

Hopeforthebest · September 2013

wendilea said:

Yeah, he is pretty good about cooperating with school stuff, and I do list him on the school paperwork. So we co-parent well in that aspect. It's just when he has to, you know, SEE his kids, that he slacks off.

BM1 told the HS DH was dead. Imagine their surprise when he called from the grave.

Did they actually say...OMG you are alive...Mrs. So and So said you were dead? AND how did your DH react? Did he contact her?

Hopeforthebest · September 2013

wendilea said:

They said "Oh, um, we didn't realize SS had a father still." We had to send in the CO and other documents to prove he really was the dad. This all came after SD1 was announced as "the daughter of SF and BM" at graduation, while DH was sitting in the stands. He confronted BM, she says the kids told the school that silly little lie and she had nothing to do with it.

JFC with these people!! (meaning the parents that blame kids, alienate kids, etc).

I fully expect his sort of shenanigans when DH's little ones get older, that is why I asked.

Sorry he has to continually be hurt by them.

nattyncbride · September 2013

I'm sorry every thing turns into a struggle or a confrontation. How exhausting.

cole2144 · September 2013

nattyncbride said:

I'm sorry every thing turns into a struggle or a confrontation. How exhausting.

Thanks, it`s so exhausting. We try and take it day by day because if you think about the next 12 years of dealing with this shit, it makes you want to run for the hills.

ambrvan · September 2013

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM.

In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words.

Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

twister22 · September 2013

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM. In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words. Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

cole2144 · September 2013

twister22 said:

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM. In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words. Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

I know we are not one big happy family but I feel sad for SD that she has to do two projects when all the other kids are doing one. SD makes comments that she wishes we could all live in one big house together. She still has hope that her family can all get along and it kills me that BM is the only thing standing in the way of that.

twister22 · September 2013

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM. In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words. Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

I know we are not one big happy family but I feel sad for SD that she has to do two projects when all the other kids are doing one. SD makes comments that she wishes we could all live in one big house together. She still has hope that her family can all get along and it kills me that BM is the only thing standing in the way of that.

Really cole? Would you do joint Thanksgivings, Christmas', and family vacations with BM and her DH and kids?

If you just mean BM is in the way of a civil relationship, that I would agree with. But if you're thinking you guys can act like one big happy family for SD, that's just silly.

I don't think doing two projects for this is really any extra work. If DS did this project, he could do it one of two ways - one big sheet of paper that he glues 7 people on, or two smaller sheets that he glues 4 people on in one and 4 people on in the other.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

I'm so sorry Cole. We had this same issue when K was in Kindergarten. First there was a Family Book that they worked on during class and BM wouldn't allow K to include me, my kids or any of my family members. K was really upset and we let her make a Family Book at our house and made sure she included ALL sides of her family (BM's included).

Then there was the Family Board debacle. We tried to work with BM so that K would only have to do one project (similar to yours, the kids needed pictures) but BM made it impossible. First she complained that there were too many people on the board, so we suggested cutting Aunts, Uncles and Cousins. But since that is all the family BM has, she refused to cut out any of her family members. She seriously went through and counted how family members she had on HER side and tried to tell DH that's all he could include. So we tried. We played her game to make it easy on K and then we get a text on Friday telling us to do our own Board to turn in Monday. K spent her whole weekend with us working on it. But she was pretty happy working on it with us and was really proud to turn it in. And the one she did at our house? Yeah it included BM and her side if the family. Because that's how K wanted to do it and it was HER project. BM was pissed but K was happy, and that's who matters.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM.

In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words.

Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

I know we are not one big happy family but I feel sad for SD that she has to do two projects when all the other kids are doing one. SD makes comments that she wishes we could all live in one big house together. She still has hope that her family can all get along and it kills me that BM is the only thing standing in the way of that.

Really cole? Would you do joint Thanksgivings, Christmas', and family vacations with BM and her DH and kids?

If you just mean BM is in the way of a civil relationship, that I would agree with. But if you're thinking you guys can act like one big happy family for SD, that's just silly.

I don't think doing two projects for this is really any extra work. If DS did this project, he could do it one of two ways - one big sheet of paper that he glues 7 people on, or two smaller sheets that he glues 4 people on in one and 4
people on in the other.

I think when it comes to projects that are supposed to depict the FAMILY, everyone needs to suck it up and play nice for an hour or two so that the child only needs to do ONE project. I mean seriously, it's not hard to play nice for an hour if you genuinely have the child's best interests at heart.

cole2144 · September 2013

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM. In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words. Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

I know we are not one big happy family but I feel sad for SD that she has to do two projects when all the other kids are doing one. SD makes comments that she wishes we could all live in one big house together. She still has hope that her family can all get along and it kills me that BM is the only thing standing in the way of that.

Really cole? Would you do joint Thanksgivings, Christmas', and family vacations with BM and her DH and kids?

If you just mean BM is in the way of a civil relationship, that I would agree with. But if you're thinking you guys can act like one big happy family for SD, that's just silly.

I don't think doing two projects for this is really any extra work. If DS did this project, he could do it one of two ways - one big sheet of paper that he glues 7 people on, or two smaller sheets that he glues 4 people on in one and 4 people on in the other.

I said she was standing in the way of us all being civil, never said we would be a big happy family. Though it actually is possible for some people to do so, my parents for one. We all have had Thanksgiving together, gone out for my dad`s birthday dinner and other things like that. My parents including my step-mom consider themselves friends. I know this will never happen in our situation but it is possible.

EarthandFire · September 2013

cole2144 said:

I said she was standing in the way of us all being civil, never said we would be a big happy family. Though it actually is possible for some people to do so, my parents for one. We all have had Thanksgiving together, gone out for my dad`s birthday dinner and other things like that. My parents including my step-mom consider themselves friends. I know this will never happen in our situation but it is possible.

My family is like yours. We haven't done the vacations but family events, holidays, birthdays, even weddings my mother goes to for my father's SC. It's what I hope for my kids.

twister22 · September 2013

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM. In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words. Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

I know we are not one big happy family but I feel sad for SD that she has to do two projects when all the other kids are doing one. SD makes comments that she wishes we could all live in one big house together. She still has hope that her family can all get along and it kills me that BM is the only thing standing in the way of that.

Really cole? Would you do joint Thanksgivings, Christmas', and family vacations with BM and her DH and kids?

If you just mean BM is in the way of a civil relationship, that I would agree with. But if you're thinking you guys can act like one big happy family for SD, that's just silly.

I don't think doing two projects for this is really any extra work. If DS did this project, he could do it one of two ways - one big sheet of paper that he glues 7 people on, or two smaller sheets that he glues 4 people on in one and 4 people on in the other.

I said she was standing in the way of us all being civil, never said we would be a big happy family. Though it actually is possible for some people to do so, my parents for one. We all have had Thanksgiving together, gone out for my dad`s birthday dinner and other things like that. My parents including my step-mom consider themselves friends. I know this will never happen in our situation but it is possible.

That situation is VERY rare, and is the exception. When a BD & BM split/divorce, it's for a reason. I think I do a pretty good job playing nice with BD, being flexible, and encouraging a relationship between DS & BD and a relationship between DS & his sister from BD.

However, I'm not going to do shared Thanksgivings, Christmas', and family vacations. Holidays aren't just about the child that BM & BD had together. Holidays are about all the family. How unfair is that to my & DH's kids, who have no relation to BD? How fair is that to my family and DH's family who we have traditions with, to just say "Forget you guys, I'm hanging with my ex." It's just weird, and I think in most situations, it's crossing a line.

Now, if it's something that's specifically about DS, and he wants everyone to go out together (me, DH, BD, BD's GF), then I'm totally game. And when I say specifically about DS, I mean things like a birthday dinner, a graduation ceremony, an awards event, a sporting thing, etc.

twister22 · September 2013

jobalchak said:

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM. In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words. Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

I know we are not one big happy family but I feel sad for SD that she has to do two projects when all the other kids are doing one. SD makes comments that she wishes we could all live in one big house together. She still has hope that her family can all get along and it kills me that BM is the only thing standing in the way of that.

Really cole? Would you do joint Thanksgivings, Christmas', and family vacations with BM and her DH and kids?

If you just mean BM is in the way of a civil relationship, that I would agree with. But if you're thinking you guys can act like one big happy family for SD, that's just silly.

I don't think doing two projects for this is really any extra work. If DS did this project, he could do it one of two ways - one big sheet of paper that he glues 7 people on, or two smaller sheets that he glues 4 people on in one and 4 people on in the other.
I think when it comes to projects that are supposed to depict the FAMILY, everyone needs to suck it up and play nice for an hour or two so that the child only needs to do ONE project. I mean seriously, it's not hard to play nice for an hour if you genuinely have the child's best interests at heart.

My point is that our kids don't have ONE immediate family, they have TWO. A family with their BM and a family with their BD. If a kid wants to draw a picture that depicts the two families as one family, then of course let them do it. I just think it's more natural and makes more sense to showcase the families as they truly are - separate.

And I really don't think it's that hard for a kid to either glue down an extra picture of them self, or to draw an extra picture of them self.

Again, if the kid wants to depict the two families as one, then that's their prerogative, as it's their project.

CFjo2010 · September 2013

twister22 said:

jobalchak said:

twister22 said:

cole2144 said:

twister22 said:

ambrvan said:

SD has had to do a project like this every year since pre-k and she has never included BM.

In pre-k the project actually fell on BM's time (when she got "supervised" time during the school week) and there was never a project done. In fact we got a letter two weeks later from her teacher about the teacher needing the "star bag" back that had gone home with BM. We did not even know SD was star of the week. I explained the situation, apologized profusely, and did a project with SD and bought a replacement bag for the teacher. SD did not want to include BM because she said she if her mom couldn't remember the project then she didn't deserve to be in it. Her own words.

Every year every this year, I have asked if she wants to include BM in her family project and she always says no because we are her family.

This is what comes NATURALLY to SD, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

I honestly don't think it's a big deal that BM didn't one to do one collage/drawing of both the families. It is two separate families; you guys are not one big happy family. SD has two homes and two families, and it makes sense to do two separate projects.

However, BM being a BSC bitch over the dance bag and sending her portion of SD's project over is just ridiculous. I'm glad you're getting your own dance bag for SD, it will cut out a bunch of the crap. I'm willing to bet BM will flip shit when DH responds "We have our own dance bag for SD now, thanks though," next time she demands he come pick up the bag.

I know we are not one big happy family but I feel sad for SD that she has to do two projects when all the other kids are doing one. SD makes comments that she wishes we could all live in one big house together. She still has hope that her family can all get along and it kills me that BM is the only thing standing in the way of that.

Really cole? Would you do joint Thanksgivings, Christmas', and family vacations with BM and her DH and kids?

If you just mean BM is in the way of a civil relationship, that I would agree with. But if you're thinking you guys can act like one big happy family for SD, that's just silly.

I don't think doing two projects for this is really any extra work. If DS did this project, he could do it one of two ways - one big sheet of paper that he glues 7 people on, or two smaller sheets that he glues 4 people on in one and 4
people on in the other.

I think when it comes to projects that are supposed to depict the FAMILY, everyone needs to suck it up and play nice for an hour or two so that the child only needs to do ONE project. I mean seriously, it's not hard to play nice for an hour if you genuinely have the child's best interests at heart.

My point is that our kids don't have ONE immediate family, they have TWO. A family with their BM and a family with their BD. If a kid wants to draw a picture that depicts the two families as one family, then of course let them do it. I just think it's more natural and makes more sense to showcase the families as they truly are - separate.

And I really don't think it's that hard for a kid to either glue down an extra picture of them self, or to draw an extra picture of them self.

Again, if the kid wants to depict the two families as one, then that's
their prerogative, as it's their project.

I don't feel that kids in blended families have 2 families. The child has one family, just a very large and somewhat diverse family. When I married my husband, I don't feel that I gained a "new" family I just added members to my family. Maybe I'm just a hippie, but I don't think kids should feel like they have a separate family with BM and a separate family with BD.

fellesferie · September 2013

So I have not read the entirety of this thread.

And I want to preface what I'm about to say with this: you are not wrong to want DH/BM to coparent. YH is not wrong to attempt to coparent.

BUT... I think you guys have unrealistic expectations. You know that she does not want to work with you. You know she is pissed that you share custody 50/50. You know that she is looking for opportunities to be a pain in your ass.

Yet you guys keep acting surprised and upset by her actions.

At this point in time, just do separate collages. Have separate dance bags. Have separate school uniforms. You guys are just not right now in a place where you can share these things.

Lower your expectations. Set more reasonable goals--like right now I would think about deescalating the drama. What can you do to shut down her BS? What can you do so that there are fewer things to fight about?

Once you get out of the habit of fighting (6 months at least!) then start to think about SMALL steps towards working together.

Like I said, I don't think you're wrong to want to work with her. But I think you want something that right now is impossible.

Banana44 · September 2013

I don't feel that kids in blended families have 2 families. The child has one family, just a very large and somewhat diverse family. When I married my husband, I don't feel that I gained a "new" family I just added members to my family. Maybe I'm just a hippie, but I don't think kids should feel like they have a separate family with BM and a separate family with BD.

I totally agree with this!

If you ask my SS who his family is - he will say Mom, Dad, Ann, C and A. He has 1 family! He will also say he has 22 cousins and 7 grandparents. He is 10 and has had separate families his entire life - but to him they are 1 family.

We have done the family tree project and it has always come with problems. One year my picture was removed from it, another year pictures of his maternal cousins were put on top of pictures from DH and my families. DH and I just look at it as this - SS knows. He knows that we always try our best and we try to do right by him. As long as we stay on a path that isn't full of spite and hate - than I think we have done the best we can!

Lavender P · September 2013

I'm in the camp of 'they are two separate and distinct families.' They are connected by the child, but other then that they are in no way related. We try to be civil with BM but we would never spend holidays or vacations with her family. My DS and future kids are in no way related to BM or her kids to us. SS would be completely confused if we suggested that we are one family. He knows that we aren't, but that's okay and is a good thing. He has two families, both full of people who love him. P.S. I agree with everything Felles said!

twister22 · September 2013

Lavender P said:

I'm in the camp of 'they are two separate and distinct families.' They are connected by the child, but other then that they are in no way related. We try to be civil with BM but we would never spend holidays or vacations with her family. My DS and future kids are in no way related to BM or her kids to us. SS would be completely confused if we suggested that we are one family. He knows that we aren't, but that's okay and is a good thing. He has two families, both full of people who love him. P.S. I agree with everything Felles said!

Exactly. DS has two families, whether I like that or not, that's the reality of it. My DD and BD's DD's are in no way related, they're not sister, they're not family. That's just the way it is. DS has two immediate families. When I think "immediate family," I think the family you live with. And DS lives with two families, not one.

EarthandFire · September 2013

I think this has a lot to do with BM and BD. My parents all worked very hard to get along and put our best interest before their own feelings. That started with my mother and father. No my step-siblings are not my mother's children but if they needed help and she could offer it, she would. My SD (with mom) would help my SB (with dad) if his car broke down close to SD's house. I'm pessimistic about getting to that point with BH and BM though I really want to for our kids. For those in my family who are shared we're one big family. For us it's great and I'm sure it wasn't easy for our parents to get there. I know my SM had issues with her ex but they've gotten past them now and we see him at holidays. It's just easier with so many kids and grand kids to come to one place not three and we get to spend more time with each other. This expands to IL's too if they have the temperment. I can see how many who are dealing with the ridiculous things described on here couldn't do this and wouldn't want to but I'm thankful that none of my parents were crazy/selfish like some of the BM's and BD's you have to deal with and this is the way my family is. It's not the right way and its not the only way but it's the way I'd prefer if I could choose for my children.

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