Dinner = Disaster. Every night. Any advice?

yaykarin · September 2013

Forgive the rant, but some much needed venting to proceed followed by a plea for help from you fellow wise mothers.

Yesterday I was about 4 seconds away from just taking my dinner plate into our bedroom shutting the door, letting the kids cry it out with husband and eating alone. We both work all day, get home and I go into insta-dinner mode. As I'm trying to cook, our 18 month old son is getting into every cabinet (child locks =child's play. He broke through them all) trying to climb up my legs, crying, unpacking the pantry, etc. Our 3 year old daughter is semi-occupied with Dad but already making her demands known from the other room - "I want milk!"... "I want peanuts!"... etc. I somehow manage to get SOMETHING hot and quasi-edible on the table and like clockwork every-- single --- night--- the second I sit down to finally eat - little man starts crying. Fussing. Whining. Throwing his cup on the floor. Dropping food and crying about it. And when he finally just starts eating then little miss starts whining - "I'm done! I want to get down!" (She has eaten 0 bites) I must have gotten up 5 times in the first 5 minutes since putting down my plate and both kids were still unhappy. And loudly so. As we beg daughter to eat SOMEthing and try to calm son down I wanted to just jump out the window.. And I'm not even one of those super moms who insists on the "no TV during dinner" rule. I am in pure survival mode. TV is on and visible so kids can see and eat simultaneously in hopes of us being able to get a few bites in edge wise, but still. This is our evening. Every. Single. Night. I'm just getting so burned out by it day after day that last night I could hardly eat I was so frustrated. And after putting kids down for the night I just went to bed myself, in tears.

All that to say - is this just reality of these ages? Or am I doing something wrong? Wrong to expect to eat and have eating kids? Anyone have any tips? tricks? advice? commiserations? All are welcome.

Thanks, momfriends.

JENandJEH · September 2013

If they won't eat what you offer, fine but don't make them something else or turn mealtime into a battle. With our oldest, we had a 3 bite rule and then, if he said he was done, he could put his plate in the counter and be excused. If he didn't eat, we made it clear that he wouldn't get any snacks later and that his next meal would be at breakfast. It was a phase it I don't remember how long it lasted. Dinner is usually the worst meal of the day for kids. They usually eat a great breakfast, pretty good lunch and then pick at dinner. If they're eating good meals throughout the day, don't sweat it at dinner. Make sure you're offering at least one item with the meal that you know they'll eat and then try to relax. They won't starve themselves and will eventually start eating better at dinner. Good luck.

MNmama7112 · September 2013

Ughhh I'm sorry. That sounds exhausting, especially after working all day. I work all day too, and start dinner as soon as I get home. Granted, I only have one child so I'm sure having two makes everything more complicated (I'll understand come March!). Regardless, a lot of times my son is tugging on my leg and crying if I'm not paying attention to him while I'm trying to make dinner. If my husband is home, I have him take DS to play, which helps a ton. But there are a lot of nights when my husband isn't home by that time, so we have to figure it out. Here are a few ideas:

-Prep dinner ahead of time so you don't have to be cooking for extended periods of time each night when you get home. Try freezer meals, crock pot dinners you can throw in in the morning, chop veggies/brown meat/etc. when you bring them home from the grocery store, etc. Maybe you and your husband could talk about how you're feeling and discuss how he could manage the kids for a couple hours each weekend to give you time to shop/prep food for the week to help reduce time/stress during the week? This would obviously take some planning, but could be worth it if it makes the "witching hour" each weekday more manageable. Then on weeknights if you only need 15 minutes to get dinner on the table, you have time to play with and enjoy your kids instead of stressing over dinner. Maybe that quality time together would help everyone chill a little?

-Find toys or something to distract your son while you're prepping dinner? Not sure if he'd be interested or distracted away from getting into everything (probably partially just an age thing), but maybe he has "special toys" only for before dinner time?

-Let your daughter be part of prepping dinner. Maybe she could help set the table, stir things, etc. I know this might take some patience on your part, but again I think letting her engage with you could help.

-I know your 18 month old is too little for this, but maybe instead of TV during dinner you could try some dinner conversation starters or something? (Like this: https://www.sixsistersstuff.com/2013/03/50-family-dinner-conversation-starters.html) I don't know if your daughter would go for it, but maybe it would be a good way to connect and keep her distracted from whining, etc.?

-Finally, are your kiddos pretty hungry when they get home? Maybe even just a small snack (even though it's right before dinner) would be helpful? I'm crabby when I'm hungry, so maybe they're just overly hungry at that time?

Just some ideas to think about. I hope things get better for you! Especially when this is really the only time you have to connect as a family. Good luck

aglenn · September 2013

Yeah, sounds a lot like my house.

DH will make dinner most of the time, which helps because the kids don't bother him nearly as much. We keep it quick and simple during the week, no elaborate meals or anything. Kids get a snack (or two) as soon as we get home and then I play with them until dinner is ready. DD barely eats anything for dinner these days but that is fine, she just gets no snacks later. (I will make an exception to this if DH makes something truly awful that none of us want to eat).

I agree they are just tired, hungry, and done with the day. We try to keep it as simple as possible and progress to bedtime ASAP. Try to just accept it and roll with it rather than allowing yourself to get frustrated. Easy to say, I know.

yaykarin · September 2013

Thanks folks! I am not the cooking type at all, so I'm definitely not making any 4 course gourmet meals here, haha. If it takes more than about 20 minutes it's not going to happen. I'm pretty good at having a quick meat, pasta and veggie to throw in a pan every night. And while the cooking does wear me out, and likely puts me in the place of having ZERO energy left to "make fun conversation" during dinner, i feel like it's just the eating that is the problem.

And agreed, it's not that I think they're going to starve at all. Daughter is great about our rule - only carrots after dinner so eat up. That's the only snack allowed and she gets it, is fine with it. Will happily skip dinner and just eat carrots later. And son actually does eat quite a bit, he just fusses throughout constantly.

Honestly, I wouldn't even freak out too much if they just sat there quietly or went and played during dinner. That's no prob. I just want a few minutes at the end of my day to rest and eat. That's it. But releasing them from high chairs just means they're on my lap - grabbing things, dropping things, demanding me to "open this", "turn this on", "come read this" or " come play that" with zero understanding of "I'm eating". I must tell my daughter every day "just ask ONE time. Asking TWENTY times is not nice" because she LITERALLY will just keep asking repeatedly, endlessly.

So it just comes down to - how do I get like 5-10 minutes of eat and rest time? Am I seriously destined to not get this the majority of days for the next several years? Do I just give up on family meal time for a while, focus on them until bed time and THEN do my own dinner?

*sigh*

....why did we have kids again...something about taxes?... jk.

MsLs · September 2013

I have only one more piece of advice because your situation sounds similar to mine. My DH didn't get home in time to help during the dinner prep and whatnot and I only have one DS but this works for us. I feed DS at the table at dinner time- for us that's like 5/5:30 and I will sit with him and have a snack and if DH gets home in time great he will too. Then DH and I eat later after DS goes to bed. That way I can spend 5 min getting DS meal together and it's not producing a meltdown. Also it allows DH and I to enjoy our meal and talk about our day, etc. granted it's not a "family" meal but I figure when DS is older and able to sit and be enjoyable at a meal then we can all eat together.

aglenn · September 2013

Yeah, I agree that evenings are the opposite of relaxing when there are toddlers involved. I hear it gets better when the youngest is 5, but for now you're better off just accepting that your relaxing time is after bedtime. It sucks at the end of a crazy work day, and I wish I had better news, but it is unlikely to change any time soon.

I had to laugh about the asking questions 20 times. My DD does this all.the.time. Drives me nuts!

traveltheworld · September 2013

I only have one and he is younger than your children so this may not work for you. But what we do is this - the moment we get home, I prepare dinner and DH takes DS outside to play. If DS stays in the house, he will bug me. And I just do not have the energy to battle with him after a long work day. On days DH is not home at the same time, I just let DS loose. If he wants to open cabinets and pull everything out, fine. I'll just clean up afterwards - that takes less energy than constantly trying to stop him. If he wants to cry and whine, fine, I just ignore it.

Once dinner is ready, we sit down and eat together. DS feeds himself and DH and I talk about our day and we'll include him in our conversation (DS doesn't talk yet, but we ask him questions and look at him etc.). If DS starts whining, we ignore him - we just carry on talking to each other. DS does not get to leave the dinner table until we are all done eating. That said, we eat fast so it's not as if he is stuck there for more than 15 - 20 minutes.

I never force him to eat and I never offer alternate food. On days where he just doesn't want to eat much, he still sits there and we try to engage him in our conversation. If the whining turns into a full-blown melt-down, he gets put down on the floor and we continue eating/talking - we really try to reinforce the idea that mommy and daddy will not stop our meal to tend to him. He can either partake in the family meal or he can sit there and cry by himself.

Not sure if this will continue to work as DS gets older, but it seems to be working now.

biancag7 · September 2013

To keep my sanity I have told DH which ever one of us cooks/cleans, the other is on kid duty. Its just way too hectic in the evening with DD & I only have one so I feel your pain going through it with 2. =/ I've come to just accept that it will be hectic until she gets a lot older. I just try to keep DD distracted w/ toys or music (singing or dancing while cooking), & also it helps most to give her snacks while I'm cooking.

yaykarin · September 2013

Thanks all! Much appreciated.

Time of day may have a big piece to do with it. But unfortunately we don't walk in the door until 6pm so even cooking at record speed by the time we are sitting to eat it's 6:30 and that's as early as I feel like we can do it. And that's with -

No traffic (which in the SF bay area is the rare exception),

No running late from work,

No leaving-daycare meltdowns, etc.

Any of those happen and we're closer to starting to eat at 7 which happens frequently too because - that's just Mon-Fri life at this point.

And I go back and forth on the before dinner snacks - on the one hand they do keep kids quiet, but on the other hand I feel like I'm wasting their little appetites because by the time I've opened my mouth for my first bite of dinner they're already full from snacking earlier so they're, whiny, want to get down and do something else. So I'm not sure.

And it's true I know no REAL relaxation can happen until both kids are down (AKA pop the wine time, lol) but I'm just debating between really forging ahead on these "everyone eating dinner at the same time" things or just getting kids fed and bed and then trying for grown up sitting and eating time.

ebalkits · September 2013

Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing? On the days that the stars line up and you get home at a decent hour and the kids are in a good mood, have your family meal together. On the more chaotic days, you can choose to have your meal after the kids go to bed. You can still have a "mock" family meal, meaning you and your husband are still sitting with the kids while they're eating. Each parent can attend to one child so it's not as chaotic and at this age they're really oblivious to the fact that mommy and daddy are not actually eating dinner with them. This can help establish a routine with them and hopefully as they mature, they'll be able to sit better for family meals.

jsimm · September 2013

Could the kids have a small snack in the car on the way home? Maybe that gives their bellies a chance to empty a bit before having dinner. I also like the PP's idea of doing a "mock" dinner. Sometimes if DH is eating breakfast with us in the mornings on Saturdays, that's how we do it. Two of us sit and eat, while the third is chatting with us. Good luck!

mommymegan831 · September 2013

I am in the exact situation as you and I'm only responding. We eat by 5/5:30 so it's not too late. My kids are also 1 1/2 and 3 1/2. After 3 1/2 years of trying to get the kids to eat what we eat and making sure there is atleast a side on their plate that I know they'll like, I've given up. Tonight DH and I had fish, the kids had hot dogs, the other night DH and I also had fish, the kids had pizza. I was tired of the crying, whining, and complaining and making not so great dinners for everyone in hopes that the kids would sit and eat. Now, they get kid food, DH and I get healthy food, and we all sit for dinner.

If you don't have a problem with the TV go for it, some nights we do resort to it and DD will sit and watch for as long as we let her. We do a no TV before bath. Since bath is always an issue it gets her in the bath because she has something to look forward to after.

Before dinner the kids go outside and I watch them through the window or I stay outside till DH is around and I can go cook. When both kids are screaming and I need a break and I don't want the tv on, they get those cheap ice pops in a bag. Both kids enjoy them, they don't fill them up, and they buy me 10 min of peace and quiet.

JENandJEH · September 2013

I know you're ready to crash when you get home in the evenings, but why not throw together a crock pot meal the night before so that when you get home, the main item is ready and you just have to heat up some sides? You can make rice the night before, add a little water and reheat then fluff with a fork. The steamable veggie bags cook in about 5 minutes. Or, start making some freezer meals on the weekends so that you can take one out in the morning to thaw and then pop it in the oven when you get home. While it's cooking, since there is no prep, you can all play as a family and then eat. Pastas are great for freezing as are enchiladas, soups, chilis.

Honestly, until kids are older, it's par for the course for them to be loud/wild/whiny when they're hungry and it's close to the end of their day. I know you're ready for peace and quiet but they don't understand that. Also, I'm big on offering what we eat and not giving in and making another meal. My DH is incredibly picky...he didn't like what his mom made, he got kid food (mostly PB&J) and now he is very resistant to trying new things and doesn't care for many vegetables. They won't starve themselves, it's just a phase. There were times I thought my 5-year old would waste away to nothing when he was 3 because he ate so little it seemed. Now, at 5, he will eat just about anything you put in front of him and is always up for trying new things.

shannm · September 2013

I hear you. My DD is a PITA at dinner time. Like you, I am whipping dinner up in 30 or less after working a full day and not even getting two seconds to change out of my work clothes. We are all at the table when dinner is served but I have given up the idea that I will enjoy my meal at that time. I have lowered my expectations, put food on my plate, but expect to have to wait till DD goes up for bath with DH and DS gets down to play in order to finish my meal. Having said that, she has been much much better the last two nights, knock on wood, so maybe it is a stage.

And if your three year is a good size, I would not beg her to eat. If she says she is done, then tell her to leave the table and play quietly while everyone finishes. And don't give her anything else including snacks.

JulesDiane · September 2013

Alcohol.

Erinvp120 · September 2013

JENandJEH said:
If they won't eat what you offer, fine but don't make them something else or turn mealtime into a battle. With our oldest, we had a 3 bite rule and then, if he said he was done, he could put his plate in the counter and be excused. If he didn't eat, we made it clear that he wouldn't get any snacks later and that his next meal would be at breakfast. It was a phase it I don't remember how long it lasted.

Dinner is usually the worst meal of the day for kids. They usually eat a great breakfast, pretty good lunch and then pick at dinner. If they're eating good meals throughout the day, don't sweat it at dinner. Make sure you're offering at least one item with the meal that you know they'll eat and then try to relax. They won't starve themselves and will eventually start eating better at dinner. Good luck.

This. The more you fight them, the more they resist and the more of a battle it becomes. It's so frustrating. My DS is in the 3rd percentile for weight so I am anal about it too, but I stopped fighting him and now he's eating like a champ! Like any other thing, it's a phase!

jb2rn · September 2013

I just wanted to offer some support. I am a SAHM and only have one child, but I feel like dinner is stressful as well.

My son is picky (despite me doing BLW with him, which was so he would not become a picky eater, and used to "regular" food right away.."). He is also a thrower. Cup, plate, despite redirection and my doing frequent interceptions.

Also, my husband doesn't get home until 7pm or so, and bedtime for my son is 7:30, so it's usually me making two meals, one for my toddler, and one for my dh and I.

Anyway, I think you have gotten some good suggestions. I want to also give a thumbs up to the crock pot, that thing is awesome It would definitely help get dinner in everyone's bellies a bit faster

jess9802 · September 2013

One thought that occurred to me - and I could be TOTALLY off base here - is that your kids may need a bit more time with you before you transition into full-on dinner prep mode. If you're picking them up from DC, then rushing home, then immediately rushing into the kitchen to get dinner on the table in 20 minutes, your kids aren't really getting any time to snuggle, play, or just be with you after a day apart. I wonder if part of the fussiness is that they just want a little bit of attention. I hate to suggest anything that pushes dinner back any later than it already is, but maybe 15 minutes of decompression/play after getting home might help? Maybe with a very light snack or glass of milk or something if they're getting too hungry. Then see if your DD wants to help you with dinner prep and pop the toddler in the high chair with some toys or on the floor with Tupperware or something.

I'm sorry it's been so rough.

rubber_chicken · September 2013

I think it's important that families eat a meal together every day, but it doesn't say anywhere that it needs to be dinner.

We eat breakfast together in the morning. We get home in the evenings at 6pm, and DD goes right in her high chair and gets a dinner - leftovers from our dinner the night before, some pasta and veggies I've thrown together quickly, or sometimes just crackers and deli meat. Then it's bath, story time, and bed by 7:30.

This means DH and I don't eat until much later, but it works for us. We're spending that time focusing on DD, and not trying to accomplish stuff while she's tired and hungry and cranky. And it also means we avoid the million-snack-trap that I see so many kids fall into.

sunnyday016 · September 2013

Dinners are really tough for us too. With DD (4.5y) we have completely quit battling. We say "This is your dinner, eat it or don't, your choice" just about every night. If she eats, great. If not, well, there's always breakfast in the morning. She doesn't get any snack or treat after dinner.

Our main issue is DS. He's a lot like your LO, all over me in the kitchen, screaming & crying, etc. DH tries to keep him occupied, but he just wants to be wreaking havoc in the kitchen. Then when it comes time to actually feed him, he pitches a fit about wearing a bib, about sitting in his chair, throws food, throws his cup. It's awful. If he eats a few bites, we call it a success.

I'm trying to stop the battle with him as well. He eats decently at the other meals, so I know he's not starving. It's hard to let go, especially when DH is trying to negotiate "one more bite" with him. Very frustrating.

NatesLady1309 · September 2013

I SAH. My DH is not here for dinner with us 5 nights a week and dinner is STILL as disaster almost every night. It really must be the age. I am looking forward to things getting better in this area when she's older. I really feel for you, I know you must be so stressed out in that situation after having been at work all day and transitioning straight to that. And I can't imagine with two. Give yourself a pat on the back for having stayed at the table. Seriously. Other posters have given great suggestions, especially the crockpot meals!

mamatotwins0812 · September 2013

ebalkits said:

Maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing? On the days that the stars line up and you get home at a decent hour and the kids are in a good mood, have your family meal together. On the more chaotic days, you can choose to have your meal after the kids go to bed. You can still have a "mock" family meal, meaning you and your husband are still sitting with the kids while they're eating. Each parent can attend to one child so it's not as chaotic and at this age they're really oblivious to the fact that mommy and daddy are not actually eating dinner with them. This can help establish a routine with them and hopefully as they mature, they'll be able to sit better for family meals.

I was going to make this exact suggestion. I'm in a similar situation, although mine is the opposite. I am a SAHM, and by dinner time and DH coming home, I'm exhausted from tending to 2 LO's all day and just want 5 minutes of quiet, so I totally understand. We do have some good nights and many bad nights. For us, a very light snack about an hour before dinner takes the edge off if they are hungry. I too get extremely frazzled when I have 2 little people screaming at me and throwing food. What I've been doing lately is offering the meal, if they don't eat it I offer one thing I know they'll eat. If they don't eat that, I take them out and they're all done. It isn't ideal but it cuts down on the chaos. At that point sometimes DH can grab 5 minutes to eat in "peace" while they play, or we just call it a night and hope for the best the next night. DH and I also usually will do 1 weekend meal after they go to bed too...it gives us alone time and something "special" to look forward to. Just out of curiosity, are weekends any better when you're not rushing home etc? I'm wishing you lots of luck bc I feel your pain and know the frustration!!

FabulousMrs.P · September 2013

Hang in there!

Like others have said...maybe you can do a crockpot meal or prep the meal the night before or during the weekend so all you have to do is reheat it. I do this a lot and it saves me so much time during my busy week! I am usually exhausted by the time I get home and then still have to make dinner for all of us. It is much easier to just heat up something I have already made and it is faster so the little one doesn't get as out of control.

Also, maybe you can give them a small healthy snack right when they get home. My DD really likes cucumber slices, so first thing when we get home, I put a few slices of a cucumber in my DD's bowl and it occupies her enough for me to get dinner on the table and puts something healthy in her tummy. I also will give her apple slices, a few grapes...whatever I have on hand that is fairly healthy. That way I still get what I want...something good for her in her tummy...and she gets something to eat!

Also, we have a rule that we don't fight over food. I put what is for dinner in front of my daughter. If she chooses to eat, great. If she chooses not to, that is fine, but she won't be getting anything else offered to her. If she is hungry later, then I will reheat dinner for her instead of giving her cookies, goldfish, etc. Trust me...they won't starve themselves. If she throws her cup, she doesn't get it back during dinner. We had a few nights of that and then it was over and she stopped throwing it. Our rule is you don't have to eat dinner, but you have to wait at the table while everyone else eats and you won't get anything else other than dinner offered to you.

Hang in there...I know what is like when you are at your wits end! Just keep telling yourself that it is a phase and that you can make it through this one, too!

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