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Working Moms
corrado2
member
Working Mom "Loneliness"
corrado2
member
in Working Moms
Hi Ladies,
It's been about 10 months since I started working full time after baby. My daughter is now 17 months. Before I had her, I worked in NYC and commuted rather far to work. Therefore, after she was born, I quit my job and searched for something local- which I found. I am really lucky that I can work from home part of the time and go into the office part of the time. However, outside of work, I am suffering a little.
Between work, caring for and spending time with my toddler, making food for my family (husband, me and baby), taking care of chores and just surviving, I feel that my social interation is really limited on week days. Before I started working I made some friends through a local playgroup- many of which are now SAHM who do things together on the week days. They are all still nice to me, but I feel left out of that scene because I simply dont have time to get together. Weekends get busy between spending time with family and other friend get togethers (when we can arrange them). There is just not enough time to see everyone I want to see, and maintain all of the relationships I want to have.
I see so many people doing things on Social Media, and posting all of these projects to pinterest, and I get depressed a bit, beacuse majority of the time my life consists of the "need to get done" rather than, the "want to do." I'm just wondering if my feelings are normal. I know its kinda depressing, but is this part of being a working mom. I dont feel like part of a "working mom club" or anything- I just sorta feel like I am floating alone. I guess I'm not that seasoned as a working mom and I am wondering if other people ever feel like this, and what they do to combat it?
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Re: Working Mom "Loneliness"
I ignore any projects people do in their free time. Just because they want to do them and have the time to doesn't mean that I should be doing the same thing and that I'm failing because I haven't done theat.
I think it's normal to feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to do all that you want to do. And that's probably true whether you're a SAHM (who might want more time alone or to socialize outside of playdates) or a WOHM (who might want more time to do social activities).
Are there friends you can get together with for lunch? Either coworkers, or SAHM friends on days when you're working at home? Are there ways to either be more streamlined doing your chores, or things you can slack on a little, so that you have more time for the social stuff you miss?
You have to take the initiative and schedule mom nights out. I find that they are fun ways to relax and catch up with friends. I do a couple of month during the work week and after the kids go to bed. Also, give yourself time. Adjusting to having a child takes some. time. You'll start making working mom friends who have the same schedule as you but you have to realize too that you won't have as much socialization being a WM than a SAHM and that's okay. You're not missing out that much. It is the same conversations about kids etc over and over again. Try to stay away from social media because people brag to make themselves look better etc and majority of the time, it just makes you feel super lame. If it is bringing you down, ban Facebook for awhile to get your head on straight again.
GL
How many days a week do you go in to the office? Maybe increasing the number of days would help. It seems a little crazy to add getting ready and the commute, but if it is socialization that you need, it would provide that.
In your situation, because it is bothering you, I would carve out the time for an activity that you enjoy. Set up a time with that SAHM group that works with your schedule. Plan a lunch date with an old friend. Set up a girls night out on some friday night and hit the town. You are just going to have to make the time if it is that important to you.
Because you work during the day, I would start looking for some activity you can do at night like a book club or something similar.
And by the way, I bet some of those SAHM's feel lonely too, even though they do get together with other moms during the week sometimes. The grass is always greener you know. Oh, and pinterest and FB is full of lies so just ignore all that too.
My DH and I had a talk about how spending our weekends doing chores was making us feel like we weren't really living our lives. We hired a biweekly cleaning service and I try to run errands during the week on my lunch break. We now focus a lot more on enjoying our weekends as a family.
My dd is now 3, and is starting to have more activities- dance, swim, bday parties for kids at daycare. So while I still don't have many close working mom friends, I do have more opportunities to be around other working parents. I think it just gets easier as the kids get older.
For me, I also was unhappy in my job before. I switched jobs and am very friendly with my new coworkers. I realized that part of my longing to SAH was b/c I wasn't happy at work. Finding ways to make myself happier improved my overall outlook on my situation. I still get lonely, but I know I'm not alone.
I know - it's easy to start thinking "i'm the only one who doesn't do anything", but that's REALLY not the case. I live in a very social, friendly neighborhood. And I felt myself getting caught up in that. but when I really made myself step back and be objective - what I've realized is that at least during the week, MOST of the working moms aren't doing anything. They are at home dealing w/ their kids and family. The most "going out" that they do is to take their kids to sports or run to the store.
TRUST ME- most parents have pretty low key lives during the week.
And honestly- while you're jealous of the SAHMs, I'd bet you that for some of them (maybe most of them), those weekday get togethers are their only social outlet. So while you're seeing other friends on the weekends, they may be seeing no one. The during the week stuff might be all they do. And they might be jealous of YOU!
This was a reality check I had about a year ago- I have a FB friend who is "living the life". She has no kids and she is traveling all the time. Her FB page- it's fun fun fun! A quick aside to that, though - if you actually KNOW her, you also know that over the past year, her marriage was falling apart and she's now divorced. If you only know her FB persona - you'd have NO CLUE.
But - people would comment to her about how fun her life looks. My life- w/ a kid - not NEARLY her life. A good life, but not her life. BUT - DH and I hvae fun. Mostly w/ DS, but we carve out adult fun too. One time we went away for a night and we posted a couple pictures. Someone commented to me "You guys have such a fun life!".
That was my reality check. That's what I and others would say about my friend based on what we see on FB. I don't think my life is nearly like hers. But then to have someone say that about ME? And then for my friend to do through the end of her marriage?
FB is REALLY about people showing you ONLY the good.
Outside of book club, which is maybe once a month, I don't do too much social during the week. DH and I will, when we can, go out to dinner w/ DS just to get out and breath a little. But by and large- during the week - most people don't "do" much.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm convinced that social media is full of liars. People love to seem like they're doing it all and have it all. One great thing for me as a working mom is that I do not have the time to worry about what other people are doing. If this is bothering you, take a step back. Don't log into Pinterest. Deactivate your Facebook account. Who knows, you may feel a million times better.
Maintaining relationships is something I really struggle with. I try to keep up with friends on weekends. We're always out and about so I try to clue friends in as well so if they want to meet up with their kiddos, great. Occasionally I'll do a work happy hour but that's about it. Not my strong point so I feel you on that struggle.
I wanted to add that even if someone seems to have a very busy social life, it doesn’t mean that the person is not lonely. Take me for example, I moved to this city about a decade ago and for the first 5 or 6 years, I was pulling 100 hour weeks so didn’t have time to make friends. By the time work slowed down, DH has made a ton of friends so I just ended up hanging out with the “couples” friends that he has made. So I don’t really have my own friends, even though we have a very full social calendar. I have good co-workers but everyone is super busy outside of work. Ever since DS came along, life has gotten even more busy and nowadays all of our free time is spent with people with young kids. Even when we schedule “parents’ night out”, the conversations are still mostly about our kids and I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten to know these people (some of whom I’ve known for years now) or what they are like outside of their children.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
I still don’t have anyone local that I can just call up and chat or go grab a drink with. That makes me sad sometimes. Luckily I’m still super close with my best friend and we have “phone hang-outs” every few weeks.
I don't go on FB more than twice a week or so, if that often, so I can't say it bothers me. I did actually recently unfriend a single friend of mine who is constantly bragging about his trips, etc. but has never once commented or liked a single one of my posts (which do not at all focus only on my kids). But I agree with the above posters that you should definitely turn down your usage if it bothers you. It's such a huge time waster as it is.
I totally understand and was just thinking about how small my social circle has become. I know that for me as a WM, I like to spend my evenings and weekends with my kids and my husband. Luckily, the friends that I am really close with, have kids too and totally get it, so we end up doing things that still allow us to be social as adults and include the kids- having BBQ's at each others houses, letting the kids watch a movie and we can have a glass of wine, etc....When I do need to completely get away, I like to do things that don't take too much time like getting my nails done or meeting for a quick lunch with a friend. Even an hour or two with friends is enough to fill my need for social time.
And I agree with the previous posters- what we see on FB and Pintrest is BS. People only show the great things going on with their lives. And, this may get me flamed, but the people that I know that post all of their arts and crafts and inspriring quotes and pictures of their kids all of the time on FB are some of the most unhappy people that I know- It's like they can live happier in social media than real life.
I agree with the social media thing. People use it as a means to create a false impression on their daily lives. SAHM are notorious for this. My SAHM friends have told me its all BS. Its not all puppies and rainbows for them either. They are desperate to get away from their kids (while at least the ones I know are). I usually have a girls night with WM and SAHM once a month at 7:30 at a local pub.
Then we try to meet up with other families at least twice a month during the weekends. This Sunday we are meeting some other young families at a local attraction.
Now that I am back at work I have a lot less loneliness than when I stayed home but I do work in the office 4-5 days a week.
DS born Dec 10, 2013