Why am I so annoyed (family, not SAIF related).....

JBDamonM · September 2013

So I spent a lot of time with my family this weekend as DH was out of town. Should've been nice time but of course I am instead feeling raddled and annoyed. Yesterday while my mom, sisters and I were hanging out sans husbands - my mom announces that her SIL will be joining us for T-giving. Ok, fine - thanks for the heads up....meanwhile this women is a real peach, super snotty really particular about every little detail etc. She then goes on to tell us this means she's hosting. This is where I got annoyed. In addition to the fact that T-Giving is 2.5 months away, its also the one holiday that DH and I host all year long. And not to toot our own horns but we do an absolutely fantastic job. My entire family has commented on how impressed they have been and how much fun they have. And yet here is my mom, hijacking it. She did say that if we felt so strongly that they would do their own thing, but come on that's not happening. But here's the deal - I hate going to my moms. Even a normal meal is painful. My stepdad is a total control freak. He cooks everything way in advance and puts it in a "warming drawer" in the oven. He also notoriously over cooks every little thing. Furthermore the two of them run around grunting about all that needs to be done, and on holidays my mom frequently ends up crying or my stepdad ends up sulking. Simply put - they can't handle hosting.....my house is the exact opposite and the fact that my mom is taking this away is insulting me. She could've at least talked to me first instead of announcing it when my sisters were around (who I'm pretty sure already knew). Furthermore (as many of you can probably attest) it's a royal pain in the ass having to pack up to take LO somewhere for an entire day. Life at home, with all of her toys and her crib when she needs to nap is seven million times easier. And really, this is the year you're going to take it away? I just can't help but be SO annoyed. What is typically such a nice,fun day is being completely ruined- and months in advance

and what seems like the norm with my family; im at the losing end again

No point in my post. I just wanted to vent - and I have no husband to listen to me until Tuesday! Wahhhhh!

kmc84 · September 2013

That's crappy

I feel you on the holiday situation. I don't like when holiday traditions are messed with, especially behind your back like that. I love the holiday season, but family situations being what they are also make me dread it. I'm sorry your mom did that to you.

JBDamonM · September 2013

I hate the holidays because there is ALWAYS too much BS. I love them however for starting the traditions with my husband and new daughter. But yeah - so annoyed. It's too early for this BS. And yeah I feel like DH and I have a good rhythm with balancing all families and she's totally messing with it, per the usual.

Dragonfly1226 · September 2013

Honestly, I wouldn't go if it is going to be miserable. Tell your mother thanks but you are going to spend the holiday at home with dh and LO.

JBDamonM · September 2013

Honestly, I wouldn't go if it is going to be miserable. Tell your mother thanks but you are going to spend the holiday at home with dh and LO.

Putting thought into both this and/or going with DHs family, but it doesn't make me any less disappointed that she's ruined one of my favorite days of the year

phishgirl29 · September 2013

I'm going through the same thing but regarding Christmas. I told DH that we can travel 1 hour to his sisters house (with the baby and all the food because she doesn't cook) but the second O gets fussy, we are out of there. It sucks that your mom took it away from you but maybe a year off isn't such a bad thing. Like dragonfly said, if you really feel like you're going to be miserable, then find a place where you won't be. If staying home is the solution, then stay home. If you do go, maybe you could bring one of your favorite dishes that you were looking forward to cooking?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Dragonfly1226 · September 2013

JBDamonM said:

Honestly, I wouldn't go if it is going to be miserable. Tell your mother thanks but you are going to spend the holiday at home with dh and LO.
Putting thought into both this and/or going with DHs family, but it doesn't make me any less disappointed that she's ruined one of my favorite days of the year

I hear you. Maybe you could tell your mom you were looking forward to hosting LO's first Thanksgiving at your house.

JBDamonM · September 2013

Ducky719 said:

I also host Thanksgiving and point blank: I would be majorly annoyed if anyone stepped on my toes and took it back from me. Why? Bc it is the one contribution that I make and it's become a tradition to us. We've done it several years in a row now, and while it's never perfect, I still enjoy it and love that I "have a holiday". So, I get it! I would talk to your mom. Tell her the peach is invited to your house that day too. Lol.

EXACTLY! And I even told her this - almost line for line. I also told her I didn't think that her SIL coming was a valid reason to not have it at my house. Last year we had my sisters MIL and it was the best year year. Honestly, it's a total lame excuse by my mother and I"m livid. And frankly I don't understand why my mom thinks she always gets to have the final say in things. She also tried to take it away from me last year claiming it was too much for me when I was pregnant.

And going to her house is MISERABLE. Not to mention the food is horrible. You can't act like this and then spend the day huffing and puffing b/c "its so much work".... My mom also takes 3 days to recover b/c she gets herself so worked up. It's just a vicious cycle.

Obviously we can do something else or do our own thing, but Im just so upset, annoyed and disapointed. I can't believe she's pulling this shit over 2 months in advance. I can't believe yet again she's discounting the fact that we have the youngest baby and can't think about what's easier for us (but she'd never pull this with my sister).... I can't believe how difficult she's being, and I am annoyed that she's stepping on my tradition on LO's first T-Giving.

Sorry I'm being super whiney - but it's the same BS with her over and over. Perhaps some of you remember the whole saga from this summer when she guilted DH, LO and I into road tripping to Maine for her 65th bday, which was nothing but a disaster for us (which is Why I opted out initially)... She also had the audacity to tell me to "just host Christmas" which was a total snub because she knows we spend Christmas with my in-laws. Just her passive agressive way of trying to set things up the way SHE wants them.

If anyone needs me I'll be banging my head against the wall, or cracking the vino - not sure which one yet.

kmc84 · September 2013

I hope you chose the vino over the wall

. Families are wonderful, but sometimes.......well, you know!! With all of the nonsense that you know is going to happen, I would probably stay home and make your own day of it. Maybe you have friends or a close neighbor you could invite? My IL's have had so much craziness this year, including some family members no longer speaking to each other, that I have no idea what's going to happen:( we shall see!

mcgeeva · September 2013

Well that stinks! Turkey day is my favorite holiday. I think I am getting so use to having to now go to someone's house and taking turns since DS came and my inlaws being a pita. Ever since my brother hosted two years ago I told them that would NEVER happen again. Neither cook so why host? I did all the cooking and all they have no joke is an easy bake over. Took alllll day to cook one item at a time in their small ass oven. I was pregnant and pissy and so over it. Then last year went to my inlaws who just suck to say plainly. They don't cook any of the normal foods. There was no potatoes, bread or pumpkin pie. Again..it was a 8 hour drive for a day trip. NEVER AGAIN! But it will come up again and we will feel obligated to go to avoid drama so we decided last year f it we will cook our own turkey day afterwards at home. But we will be doing Christmas this year like you said so lo can be in his own bed for naps etc. So much better and easier at home. Not to mention you can't even relax at others homes.

JBDamonM · September 2013

mcgeeva said:

Well that stinks! Turkey day is my favorite holiday. I think I am getting so use to having to now go to someone's house and taking turns since DS came and my inlaws being a pita. Ever since my brother hosted two years ago I told them that would NEVER happen again. Neither cook so why host? I did all the cooking and all they have no joke is an easy bake over. Took alllll day to cook one item at a time in their small ass oven. I was pregnant and pissy and so over it. Then last year went to my inlaws who just suck to say plainly. They don't cook any of the normal foods. There was no potatoes, bread or pumpkin pie. Again..it was a 8 hour drive for a day trip. NEVER AGAIN! But it will come up again and we will feel obligated to go to avoid drama so we decided last year f it we will cook our own turkey day afterwards at home. But we will be doing Christmas this year like you said so lo can be in his own bed for naps etc. So much better and easier at home. Not to mention you can't even relax at others homes.

THIS!!!!!!! Totally how I feel with LO. And while I"m ok sucking it up sometimes, T-Giving is a long day - and it would be made easier knowing that I only had to do it on one holiday (meaning Christmas, which is also a shorter day).....

I was actually at my moms Sat night with DH out of town. We sat down for desert and LO started fussing. This was also right at her bed time, so we just left. It was WAY easier to put her in the car, let her fall asleep and get her home and into bed then it was to try and keep her content knowing she was tired. My mom couldn't understand this....

mcgeeva · September 2013

Well you know what she will just have to learn to understand! We got in an argument with our inlaws out at dinner a month ago. They have crazy expectations to begin with but were telling us we needed to drive 4 hours to have dinner with them. Sorry wiht a 1.5 yr old - not happening anymore. I said we have a child now and it's not fair to drive 2 hours to strap him in a highchair to eat then drive another two hours. They don't understand it but too bad. Not happening. And if people can't understand then guess we will do our own traditions at home.

Saraevh · September 2013

Ducky719 said:

I also host Thanksgiving and point blank: I would be majorly annoyed if anyone stepped on my toes and took it back from me. Why? Bc it is the one contribution that I make and it's become a tradition to us. We've done it several years in a row now, and while it's never perfect, I still enjoy it and love that I "have a holiday". So, I get it! I would talk to your mom. Tell her the peach is invited to your house that day too. Lol.

This exactly, only for me it's Christmas. That is MY holiday (which I host before the 24th/25th just because it is so hard to get everyone together on the actual holiday) and I would be royally pissed if someone on either side decided to take that away from me, especially without even talking to me about it first.

Maybe you and your mom don't have this kind of a relationship, but if my mother just up and made plans to host "my thing' without running it by me first I would flat out tell her then and there that I was pissed about it without giving a rip who was around during the conversation And if your sisters already knew that she was planning this and didn't give you a heads up I would probably call them out too!

Can you talk to her about how you are feeling and how important it is for you to keep that tradition?

Saraevh · September 2013

Okay, I didn't read all of the posts so I see I missed that you did talk to her about it already.

I don't know, can you just be firm and say that it's your thing, you don't care if there are any extra people there, it's easier than traveling with a baby, her food is nasty (lol, I totally would say this to my mom, but again, we have that kind of a relationship) and that you don't want to deal with her and your step-dad acting all overwhelmed?

I say call it like it is with her and reclaim the holiday

itsmevkb · September 2013

I would either send out invites to everyone, including the peach, to Thanksgiving dinner at your house OR I would go to your mom's and grin and bear it. My mother doesn't sound quite as bad as yours but there are some similarities. Every year my mom plays the martyr. I offer to have it at my house, she refuses and then proceeds to complain about how much work it is, how tired she is, how she doesn't get enough help, etc etc etc. I just ignore, ignore, ignore.

pantsarella · September 2013

I would just host as you normally would. If they make other plans, they make other plans- that's their choice. A couple years ago I laid down the law with my ILs. Easter was their holiday. Thanksgiving was my parents. Christmas we stay home. We live 3 hours away from both our parents so traveling to both every time was exhausting even without DD. Thanksgiving was important for me to have at my parents because the food is way better. My MIL is famous for microwaving her chicken BEFORE cooking it. Yep, double cooking chicken. Until it is solid and cardboard like. My dad could be an executive chef if he wanted to.

kgs0505 · September 2013

This is what I would do, host anyway. I have hosted all but one Thanksgiving since my husband and I have been together (9 years if you include dating - the one year I didn't, no one was coming anyway and I had surgery only 2 days before, so it worked out). The people who come are different every year. Mostly we have my ILs and my aunt and uncle, but we've had friends come, some come for just one part and leave early or come late, sometimes it's just a couple people and the others do something with another part of their family instead. Either way, I don't get bent out of shape. I enjoy making Thanksgiving dinner too. I'm good at it and everyone enjoys the food. If we had no one come, fine, it'll just be our little family and lots more relaxing that way. If your mom insists on hosting, tand you don't have other guests, maybe you just stop by for dessert. That way the visit is shorter and you can plan around LO's naps.

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