Feeling hormonal and protective and annoyed

Re: Feeling hormonal and protective and annoyed

• aislinsmom member

  September 2013

  I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. It is beyond frustrating I'm sure!! I dealt with this (on a smaller scale) when I was pregnant so I can relate a little bit. I felt overwhelmed and irrational and protective and a million other emotions, so you're definitely not alone.
  
  As far as pushy family and setting boundaries, just be as firm as you can when you tell people you're in labor that you and DH will let them know when you're ready for visitors. And stick to your guns! I had my baby late at night and my MIL wanted to come up that night to meet him. But I firmly said no, I want my daughter to meet him first and she won't be coming up til tomorrow morning. My MIL wasn't happy but she got over it.
  
  Make sure you and DH are on the same page when it comes to visitors; that will really help. He can be a buffer when things start getting too much. Work out a signal or code word where he'll know that you've had enough and it's time for company to leave. Don't feel bad about asking/needing time to just be a family. Everyone will understand. And if they don't, that's their own selfish fault.
  
  Hang in there!!!

  

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• HBirdie member

  September 2013

  Thanks, ladies. Just reading your three responses, I let out a huge sigh of relief. At least I'm not insane. I really haven't been super emotional this whole pregnancy so it feels weird to be getting so upset now. I really appreciate your comments. 

  
  

  DH isn't really aware that I'm feeling overwhelmed, probably. I haven't really brought it up. He's a super easygoing guy, like, almost too much so... we have very opposite personalities, actually. Haha. He just goes with the flow and doesn't get worked up about much of anything, and he wants everyone to be happy and get along. So he's probably completely unaware of how I feel about the incessant questions/offers for help/general overexcitement of our family. Which is my fault, I should definitely clue him in. We've talked about setting boundaries and he totally gets that I want time for the three of us. He's willing to be helpful in telling his parents no, I think. He's a great listener and I know if something is really bugging me, he'll step in and help me figure out a way to solve the problem. Maybe I'll sit down and talk with him tomorrow and let him know how upset I am. I feel like it's been building up for awhile, but it just really hit me tonight how stressed I am about all of it.

  
  

  @aislinsmom: Thanks for the advice. A code word or signal is a really good idea, I'm definitely going to bring that up to him. I'm sure we can work out something simple so he knows when it's time to usher people out. I'm sorry you had to deal with this, too. Not fun.

  
  

  @dhaueisen: I'm sorry you don't have caring parents. I felt a little hesitant to even post this because I was afraid people would give me the standard, "Be grateful your parents love you! They're excited to be grandparents!" spiel. Which I understand I really do. But I can't help feeling this way, you know? You're right, setting boundaries and getting my H on board will definitely help me feel more in control.

  
  

  @loppy19: I'm sorry you have regrets from when you first had your daughter. That's EXACTLY what I'm afraid of, that I'll look back and be sorry that I didn't get to spend the time I wanted with my brand new baby, or that I won't speak up for myself (I'm not great at it, honestly) and let our families know exactly what I need. I'm nice, and I value that, but I don't want to be a pushover. This is my baby and I want to do things my way and I don't want them edging in. Asking for help with errands and chores and such is a GREAT idea, because it seems to me like the offers for help are all very thinly-veiled ways of saying, "I can't wait to plop my butt on your couch and hold your baby for hours." And I'm scared of that happening.

  Going off the grid is definitely going to happen. I had my first cervical check today and wasn't dilated at all, though the baby has dropped... I asked DH not to share that with anyone (cough cough, his mom), and he agreed. I'm going to be really careful who I spend time with this week. I'm usually pretty social, but I feel like I need to curl up with all my blinds shut and read and craft and be on my own.

  
  

  Seriously, just.. thank you. I'm so glad you guys understand how I feel and you're validating my feelings instead of making me feel worse (not that I thought anyone would, but still). I hate being sad when such a happy thing is happening in my life!

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• msronzio member

  September 2013

  I'm not dealing with this and have no experience, but I wanted to shine a little bit of perspective. 

  
  

  
  

  HBirdie said:

  I KNOW it's a nice offer, but... I don't really want that! I mean, maybe I will, when the time comes, but she's asking me to tell her RIGHT NOW what things I want her to do and I just don't know. My husband will be home from work and I'm really close to my parents, so they'll be around, but she can't seem to accept that I don't know what I'm going to need after the baby comes. What I want more than anything is to move somewhere where no one knows where I live because they're all driving me insane. 

  I doubt this will magically change. With the way you feel about your husband being home and getting to spend time alone, together, during such an already stressful/anxious time, I'd just tell her straight out not to take off work and not to come by. She needs to understand she is overstepping her boundaries. I understand that it's hard with an IL because you don't want to offend them, but think about it this way. Say you offend them. What's the worse case scenario? They stop talking to you. And they leave you and LO alone! But that won't happen!!!! They are obsessed with LO, duh!

  
  

  Does she know she made you cry? If not, just straight up tell her. Be blunt. Say "you're stressing me out." You don't need to be nice! You're married to her son, who loves you, and if he's not going to put her on her ass about it, you're going to. No one should be making you cry. No one! It's going to be rough enough as it is!!

  
  

  I know this shit is all easier said than done but once you tackle the subject dead on, it's going to get a little easier each and every time. Maybe you'll get lucky and your overbearing MIL will stop being overbearing after the first time you tell her, and you don't have to deal with this multiple times. Basically though -- it doesn't matter how nice she is, and how helpful she is trying to be. It has been the opposite for you. Sadness and hell. If you need help after the baby is there, YH will be all the help you need. That's why babies only have 2 parents and not 4 or 6! You have plenty of help...your trophy husband!

  HBirdie said:

  My biggest fear is that I'm not going to get any alone time after the baby comes. It's our first child. I really want DH and I to spend his leave together as a family, the three of us, adjusting to our new life. I'm dreading the constant stream of visitors that I know we're going to have, since all three sets of our parents live close and don't have a great sense of boundaries.
  

  How long does YH have leave for? Is he leaving after a few weeks? If so, tell the rest of your family (and his!) to bugger off until shortly after he leaves. In my FTM opinion, I think you and your LO will want a week off from everyone, including your hubby, just to come to bearings with all the new mom stuff, like poopy diapers and ped visits (and BFing if you're going to try to). Everyone else needs to understand. They can visit, but they cannot stay super long. They were parents once too.

  HBirdie said:

  I know I must just be really hormonal because even I think I'm overreacting, but I still just can't stop crying about it. I hate feeling out of control. And the worst part is that the few times I've tried to vent (to a close friend, and also to my mom), I've gotten the whole "they're just excited to be grandparents" line. I GET IT. I know they're all excited to be grandparents. I'm not ungrateful that they love us and want to be supportive and that they love our child. But no one is listening to me about backing off and it's stressing me out WAY more than this pregnancy/impending labor/baby is.

  1. Other than venting to your mom, is it your childless friends you're venting to? They don't understand. As far as your mom goes, she is being a little too positive, or never dealt with overbearing parents (or ILs), or maybe she just forgets entirely what being a new mom is all about, or it's even possible that she's just trying to compare herself to them and doesn't think they're being unreasonable if she behaves in any of these manners as well. They've already had their time as parents. It's you and YH's turn. 2. This is scary to me. You need to focus on yourself and your LO. Stress is not healthy for your pregnant body, and neither is crying so much. You're just making yourself feel worse Draw the line!

  
  

  Good luck dearie. We are due around the same time so I'll be all over TB with the FTM questions that we may have missed from all the ladies having their outside babies weeks long ahead of us. So I will be here for you!

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  
  

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• msronzio member

  September 2013

  Forgot to mention -- YOU ARE TOO NICE. Your hormones are not why you're crying. Stressful people and events are! So bitchslap people into shape and use your hormones as an excuse.

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  
  

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• GermanShredders member

  September 2013

  Unleash those hormones, girl! No one is listening to you and it is time they start. My MIL tried her best to come to the hospital immediately after J got here but my husband held her off until much later in the day. I'm still a little pissed she was there at all but his sister insisted we were being rude and she would only stay a few mins. Luckily, my FIL made her leave quickly.

  

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• anotherlady2013 member

  September 2013

  I could have written this exact same post 3 weeks ago. You'd be surprised how understanding people get once you have the baby (at least in my case). I sent my mom home the day after we got home from the hospital. I also conveyed to everyone else (very nicely) that we wanted some time for just the three of us. Things were SO much better and easier when everyone left. It's like the baby sensed I was stressed so she was stressed too. You must stand your ground. You don't get this time back and YOU are the mommy.
  
  PS-all parents were at the hospital but we waited two hours before letting them in after baby was born. They could hear her cries from the hallway and were like rabid wolves out there...but it was important to us to get that skin to skin and initial breastfeeding time.

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• kennazebrowsky member

  September 2013

  msronzio said:

  Forgot to mention -- YOU ARE TOO NICE. Your hormones are not why you're crying. Stressful people and events are! So bitchslap people into shape and use your hormones as an excuse.

  This and I'm guilty of it too. Although I did not have my IL hassling me about being there- they seemingly didn't care much at all. They harassed me about holding off to have the baby on SIL and MIL birthday. I had to have her early because if preeclampsia and if I waited any longer I could have had a stroke. That did not concern them.
  
  I hope you find the strength to stand up to them because if you don't they will keep doing it. Like PP said turn off your phone and try to relax before the baby comes.!if you need help then ask. You don't know what you will need right now or if you will need anything at all even.
  
  

  
  
  
  
  

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• staceymack member

  September 2013

  I had a similar experience while on bed rest. While people mean well it doesn't change the fact that after awhile it gets annoying and overwhelming. Even though I had nothing else to do while on br I still didn't want to spend the entire day talking to people and answering the same questions over and over. 

  
  

  I had the same fear about not having alone time as a family. So, I made my wishes clear and stuck to them. People automatically assumed I would have to have help with twins. When they came home it was very overwhelming, but I just was not ready for visitor. I have only allowed a couple of people over in the past 3 weeks they've been home. Do not be afraid to tell people your wishes and that you will let people know when you're ready for visitors. 

  
  

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• Jenly117 member

  September 2013

  I swear you read my mind and put my exact thoughts on paper. I am due today and have been pummeled non stop with texts, phone calls, etc about what I need, how I'm feeling, etc. I have been feeling very hormonal and pretty down in the dumps lately. Not because I need the baby to be here right this second, but more about trying to enjoy every last moment between my hubby and I. This is our first, too. I have gotten to the point of not responding because I am trying so damn hard to just live in the moment with my H before life turns upside down. My MIL actually called me yesterday (the day before my due date) to see if I want the outside of my house painted....um...wt f'ing f?!?..NO!!!! You crazy b!tch!!! She is whole 'nother ball of wax though... But anyhow- I get you, I really do. All I want is to feel happy and all I feel is edgy, somewhat depressed and annoyed. I don't feel myself, and am ready to crawl under a rock. Hope that things turn around for us soon! PM me if you just need to vent- chances are, I need to too. Hang in there.

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• TKtravels member

  September 2013

  Even though others have already said it, I just wanted to chime in and say that you are not overreacting at all. 

  
  

  Last week, I was feeling much as you are, and now that LO is here, and we've set some firm boundaries with parents/ILs, I'm feeling a little better about it.

  
  

  My ILs are "upset" (so they have stated to other family members - they have enough sense to not bring this up to me right now) with how we are handling things, but that is too effing bad.  

  
  

  Being able to take some time just the three of us has been so worth the drama and conflict that comes with dealing with pushy inconsiderate people.  And I imagine this is good practice for all the future instances when parents/ILs think they are entitled to certain things just because they are the grandparents. 

  
  

  Good luck! 

  

  
  

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• MamaInMN member

  September 2013 edited September 2013

  I haven't read all of the responses, apologies if I'm being redundant!  

  
  

  I can completely relate.  I don't want to bore you with my story, but the gist is that my parents live across the country.  They drove up in their RV the second they found out that LO was born (they had planned on leaving the same day they did but LO came a week before her due date).  

  
  

  Basically, after 2 weeks, we ended up asking them to leave.  It was awful.  We spent a week being miserable they were here and then it was a hot, hysterical mess when we finally worked up the nerve to put our feet down and kick them out. It's been over a week and my mother still won't speak with me....I know she will eventually because she's too stubborn to not see her granddaughter, but it hurts quite a bit. 

  
  

  You are right in assuming you'll likely just want time with your new family, lounging around doing skin to skin and not having to worry about visitors.  

  
  

  As stressful as it is now, I would really advise laying down the law now, as opposed to later.  I had some emotional bouts during pregnancy but none of it even comes CLOSE to the emotional roller coaster of post partum (at least for me).  I think it's much easier to set up strict boundaries now and then loosen them if you decide you do want people around a lot, versus what we did.  Apparently new grandmothers get rushes of hormones too, because both of our mothers just seem to have lost their minds once DD was born.  Much easier to deal with them before baby arrives than after...

  
  

  Good luck!  Remember that in your house, you are the mom now!  They don't get to tell you what to do anymore. Well, they can tell you.  But you don't have to listen.  You do what's best for your family. 

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• MamaInMN member

  September 2013

  Oh!  Another tip...I didn't expect this of myself but I have a really hard time letting other people hold the baby.  I don't mind for a few minutes but family especially seems to want to hold her for hours on end.  I just can't handle it.

  
  

  It becomes really awkward to just take the baby back.  That's dumb, because she's mine.  But socially, it's a strange thing ("here, let me have that peacefully sleeping baby back now, new grandmother who can barely contain her excitement").  DH and I have learned to give a time limit BEFORE handing DD over.  We say something like "why don't you wash your hands so hold her for about 5 minutes before I need to start putting her down for a nap/take her to eat/whatever the heck excuse you can think of."

  
  

  
  

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• happybride 276 member

  September 2013

  I am so sorry sweetie. I can tell you that I completely understand where you are coming from. My mom and MIL asked the same stupid questions. When are you going to deliver, you need to hurry up and have that baby, yadda, yadda. Once I delivered everyone and their cousin wanted to visit us in the hospital and at home. I have had to set boundaries because nobody respects the fact that we need our space. It is so stressful and has brought me to tears. The best thing you can do is say no when people intrude. You and your husband need to be on the same page and let your husband deal with his side of the family. Good luck. I so sorry you have to deal with this.

  

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• HBirdie member

  September 2013

  Thank you so much to everyone for sharing your stories and making me feel better. It's good to know I'm not the only one feeling this way (even though of course I wouldn't wish it on any of you!). I really appreciate those of you who have given tips on how to deal with it and also given me hope that it will get better. I definitely feel better after venting, so thanks for lending a virtual ear.

  
  

  Sort of a funny story to illustrate the craziness I'm dealing with every day:

  Yesterday, my mom had a migraine and asked me if I was feeling any contractions or thought I'd be going into labor last night, because she wanted to take a muscle relaxer to help her sleep but didn't want to be groggy if it was baby time. I told her I didn't think it was happening (and it didn't), so she took one and was able to sleep. This morning, I texted her, "Hope you're feeling better today!" because I know migraines suck. That was literally my whole motivation for texting her. Not even kidding, within ten seconds she texted back, "WHY?!?!?!?!?!"

  Oh. my word. I played dumb and replied, "Because having a migraine is awful...?" And she got annoyed with me for "getting her hopes up." Like, she thought I was cryptically telling her it was baby time. Anyway. That's what I'm dealing with. But, like, all day every day. Everything I say is somehow misinterpreted or twisted around to be about the baby and it's driving me nuts! (Example: my "I'm going to head to Target to pick up a few things" text to my mom is responded to wiht, "It's going to be hilaaarious if you're water breaks while you're there!" 8-| )  Definitely time to cut off communication!

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• ravenclaw1 member

  September 2013

  Loppy19 said:

  @hbirdie You're just a ticking time bomb!!11!1!

  Man, no kidding. I'd certainly cut off communication with the crazy if I were you

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• msronzio member

  September 2013

  This morning, I texted her, "Hope you're feeling better today!" because I know migraines suck. That was literally my whole motivation for texting her. Not even kidding, within ten seconds she texted back, "WHY?!?!?!?!?!"

  Oh. my word. I played dumb and replied, "Because having a migraine is awful...?" And she got annoyed with me for "getting her hopes up."

  Wtaf. Sorry if this offends you, but what a crazy bitch. Calm down lady!!!!

  
  

  The more I learn, the more I feel like you're justified in your stress! Pleeeease say something to them! lol!

  
  

  

  

  

  
  

  
  

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• docco11 member

  September 2013

  stories like these are why we are so happy to be long distance from family. we have been loving our one on one time! 

  
  

  Good luck to you and your DH 

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• redfallon member

  September 2013

  docco11 said:

  stories like these are why we are so happy to be long distance from family. we have been loving our one on one time! 

  
  

  Good luck to you and your DH 

  Same here!
  

  Jamie

  
  

  
  

   

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