self-soothing?

slindsey7 · September 2013

Is 6 weeks old to young to allow a little bit of self soothing after getting a diaper change and being fed? Obviously if she is crying (anything past wining and grunting) I will pick Trinity up but her grandparents have got her to where she doesn'tlwant to fall sleep unless she is being held and will fight sleep many times if not being held. I don't mind so much at this age and I love holding her, but I know in a couple of month this can cause some real sleep issues.. Sooo, back to the question. If she is wining and making her pick me up sounds(very distinctive to me) and that's all she wants and will fall asleep soon if I leave her be, is this mean? or is she too young to allow her to "wine" it out if not hungry or wet?

kelizr · September 2013

My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!

VitaLuna · September 2013

kelizr said:
My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!

I'm sorry, but you let your 3 week old cry for 20 minutes?? That makes me really sad for her.

MamaInMN · September 2013

kelizr said:
My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!

Actually, there is a lot wrong with teaching this "skill" now. I don't really have the brain power to give a human development lesson at 4 am bit crying is your LO's way of comunicating a need to you. If you ignore her e. you send her brain a pretty strong signal about how the world works.

OP, we leave her in her bassinet for grunts but sit with her, talk to her, touch her head etc so she knows we are there. If she doesn't fall asleep quickly, I pick her up. Quickly being a minute or two for us.

Sorry foe typos....my pgone reallu has a mind of its own.

hmlynch84 · September 2013

I pick up my 4 week old if he starts to cry and I rock him until he is more drowsy or all the way asleep. I don't let him cry it out for any period of time. He will nod off to sleep if I put him down while drowsy, sometimes he will grunt and move around for awhile but if he starts to cry, I pick him up right away. His crying means something, so I have to respond to his need.

a2003tiger · September 2013

Self soothing and cry it out methods shouldn't be employed until at least 6 months.

slindsey7 · September 2013

If she actually crying I will definitely pick her up. I am talking about the grunting while she is fighting sleep and I never leave her by herself, I will stand next to her crib with my hand on her and our usually works. If she it's fusing more than just grunts I will pick her up and rock get until asleep. she will normally wake up when I lay her down and grunt, this is when I try top let her fall back also on her own for a few minutes

a2003tiger · September 2013

I don't consider grunting an issue. DD grunts quite a bit. Usually she'll grunt once or twice, then go to sleep, wake up and grunt some more, then repeat. I think you're fine to allow that.

slindsey7 · September 2013

I definitely do not let her cry for 20 mi, please don't think I meant that! If she is crying that means something is wrong! Shame on you PP for letting her cry for that long

magdalina.h · September 2013

You can't spoil a baby and they don't have the ability to self sooth until at or after 4 months.

magdalina.h · September 2013

kelizr said:
My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!

Shame on you. Your baby is learning to trust you and you're ignoring her.

slindsey7 · September 2013

I guess self-soothing was a bad title for this post. But thank you ladies got the advise and constructive criticism

kje120 · September 2013

To the poster who lets their 3 week old CIO for 20 minutes - you kind of suck.

OP, I don't pick him up for every little grunt and sometimes he'll cry out once and then pass gas and be back to sleep. In those instances we leave him be, but if he's actually crying we pick him up and soothe him.

thedash · September 2013

DD often sleeps in the RnP next to my bed. If she's squirming around and grunting I try rocking it and shushing her or talking to her first. If that doesn't work within a minute or two I pick her up. If she's crying I pick her up as quickly as possible. With a toddler to take care of I don't always pick her up in the first 5 seconds to be honest. But I never take more than one or two minutes to get to her and I'm not intentionally trying to let her CIO.

KMD1106 · September 2013

If she's grunting I'll let her do so for a few minutes until I know if she's going to wake up or fall back asleep, but crying I try to get to fast. The only time she cries without me there is for the 30 seconds it sometimes take me to make a bottle while she stays in the rock n play. Even then I will usually make the bottle with her in my arms so even if she's crying, she knows I'm there for her. Babies this young can't be spoiled and I know she needs to know I will take care of her. So, long story short...grunt and squirm it out, maybe...cry it out, no way.

Ecstatic83 · September 2013

The only time I "let" LO cry is when I'm making the bottle or getting the boob situated. Even then he is usually in my lap or arms and he just doesn't care about anything but food... He goes from sound asleep to starving in no time. He does make squeaks a lot while sleeping but if it turns into a cry I pick him up. The biggest thing he is learning right now is to be secure in that DH and I will be there for him when he communicates a need, even if it is just that he needs some TLC.

kelizr · September 2013

kelizr said:
My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!

Let me just clarify that I'm not talking screaming, I'm talking about a fussy cry. If a baby has been fed, changed and cuddled, gets put down for the night and then cries for a bit, I don't see the problem. She always puts herself to sleep, usually within a few minutes. If she's screaming, of course I would pick her up! I don't sit there and let her do this all day when she cries. My school of thought comes from being told to let babies exercise their lungs. Guess my mom, mil, and several of their friends had it all wrong. Letting her cry now and then isn't going to destroy her trust in me or harm her.

JLMcWeeney · September 2013

kelizr said:

kelizr said:
My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!
Let me just clarify that I'm not talking screaming, I'm talking about a fussy cry. If a baby has been fed, changed and cuddled, gets put down for the night and then cries for a bit, I don't see the problem. She always puts herself to sleep, usually within a few minutes. If she's screaming, of course I would pick her up! I don't sit there and let her do this all day when she cries. My school of thought comes from being told to let babies exercise their lungs. Guess my mom, mil, and several of their friends had it all wrong. Letting her cry now and then isn't going to destroy her trust in me or harm her.

Actually that early your baby is learning if the world is a safe place, and who will be there when he needs them. If no one comes your baby learns no one will come. I know that sounds a but out there, but I have studied childhood development as a career. A child that young isn't developing a skill, he is accepting a world you create. If that world is one where he is not being taken care of he won't trust you.

erink7211 · September 2013

If DS is just grunting I will usually stand by his PnP and talk to him or wait a minute to see if he is going to fall back asleep or not. If he goes for more than a couple of minutes, or if I can tell that he is getting more upset, I immediately pick him up and check his diaper/feed/rock him.

llybeck · September 2013

My LO is a very active sleeper, like most newborns, and she wakes herself up quite a bit. If she is grunting or squeaking for a minute we let her go because she goes right back to sleep. If she's doing more than just slight fussing for a minute or so then I get her.

If your newborn doesn't "need" anything, like food or a diaper change, they still need you. Sometimes they just need to snuggle and know you're there for them.

VitaLuna · September 2013

@slindsey7.. I think most people are agreeing that what you're doing is ok (letting her grunt, but picking her up if she starts crying). I do the same with my LO because she always grunts, groans, whimpers when I first put her down, even when she's already asleep. The wording just wasn't the best calling it self soothing in light of the poster that really did force her poor girl to self soothe/CIO. I have no idea how anyone could listen to their newborn cry for that long and be ok with it.

Surfergirl013 · September 2013

kelizr said:

My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!

I feel so bad for your baby...they are so small still...plenty of time to "learn skills"..they are used to being held 24/7 in your womb....All she is "learning" is 1) cry harder, 2) no one will come help me...

VitaLuna · September 2013

@kelizr: even Ferber, the pediatrician/researcher behind the CIO method, doesn't recommend starting until they're ~4mos old.

kelizr · September 2013

Ok so apparently, I am very incorrectly informed here and this is something to consider. I am sorry for upsetting so many people. My child is not being ignored. While I'll now reconsider the crying, please know that she isn't left alone to just wail and cry.

normandyn7 · September 2013

Way too early for self soothing. Newborns aren't manipulative yet so when they cry there is normally something wrong. Even if they are fed and changed they might just want to be cuddled. My LO is 3 weeks and if he cries I immediately pick him up and cuddle with him and he always calms down. If he keeps crying I put him to my breast and he normally eats. So he never cries just to cry. My pediatrician said it's critical to let your newborn know that you are there for them because during this stage is when they form attachments. If you cuddle your infant and meet their needs they will form a stronger attachment and be more secure as they grow older. So just remember that even though it might be easier for you now to let her cry it out, in the long run it could cause problems at such an early age. Good luck.

Pockety · September 2013

To answer the OP's original question, yes it is okay to put your baby down awake, and let him or her learn to go to sleep without being cuddled. They may make some noises, but that doesn't mean they need something. And yes it'll help in the long run.

I started putting DS down awake but drowsy as soon as he could finish eating without being asleep. I followed the Weissbluth sleep method exactly, and have a great sleeper, now 2 years old. Every kid I know whose parents incorporated Weissbluth from day 1 were all great sleepers, no "sleep training" required. DS slept a 7 hour stretch and then a 5 hour stretch by 1 month old, consistently, and slept 12 hours through the night consistently by 3.5 months. We never left him to cry. Well, until he became a toddler and knew what he was doing!

No it's not okay to let your baby cry for you, and ignore him or her, at this age.

slindsey7 · September 2013

Pockety said:

To answer the OP's original question, yes it is okay to put your baby down awake, and let him or her learn to go to sleep without being cuddled. They may make some noises, but that doesn't mean they need something. And yes it'll help in the long run. I started putting DS down awake but drowsy as soon as he could finish eating without being asleep. I followed the Weissbluth sleep method exactly, and have a great sleeper, now 2 years old. Every kid I know whose parents incorporated Weissbluth from day 1 were all great sleepers, no "sleep training" required. DS slept a 7 hour stretch and then a 5 hour stretch by 1 month old, consistently, and slept 12 hours through the night consistently by 3.5 months. We never left him to cry. Well, until he became a toddler and knew what he was doing! No it's not okay to let your baby cry for you, and ignore him or her, at this age.

Best answer I have received, thank you

and again thanks for replying to all of you ladies

Missy2020 · September 2013

kelizr: My LO is just about 3 weeks. We started the crib last weekend. She dies great and mostly puts herself to sleep after about 10 mins of fussing and often times crying. I let her cry and try to figure out how to self soothe up to 15-20 mins depending on how hard the cry is. Nothing wrong with teaching them this skill now!

The above is the quote, for some reason it didn't show it quoted!

My response to that quote by kelizr: This is so wrong, borderline neglect. Shame on you! Babies this young do not have the capability of self soothing. You can't spoil a newborn and their crying is their communication with you, for comfort. Being there to pick up your baby and comfort your baby are the building blocks of trust and showing love. It breaks my heart to know you are just leaving your LO to cry it out in a crib.

A37licia · September 2013

Pockety said:

To answer the OP's original question, yes it is okay to put your baby down awake, and let him or her learn to go to sleep without being cuddled. They may make some noises, but that doesn't mean they need something. And yes it'll help in the long run. I started putting DS down awake but drowsy as soon as he could finish eating without being asleep. I followed the Weissbluth sleep method exactly, and have a great sleeper, now 2 years old. Every kid I know whose parents incorporated Weissbluth from day 1 were all great sleepers, no "sleep training" required. DS slept a 7 hour stretch and then a 5 hour stretch by 1 month old, consistently, and slept 12 hours through the night consistently by 3.5 months. We never left him to cry. Well, until he became a toddler and knew what he was doing! No it's not okay to let your baby cry for you, and ignore him or her, at this age.

I don't know of this named method, but this is similar to what we do. Partly, DS does this well because he unfortunately was in the NICU, and before I could be there 24/7, he did learn to fall asleep by himself in his isolette. I've kept that up since he already had to learn that, and he'll occasionally fuss for a few seconds or squirm around in his swaddle, but fall asleep quietly for the most part. So if he does actually cry, I know he needs something. If he makes fussing sounds off and on, with a minute or so pause in between, I hold off and see if he settles to sleep or progresses to actual crying, and if he does, I get him right away and see if he needs burped first, or just held a bit, or if he wants to nurse more.

By 6 weeks, the age of my DS and the OPs baby, they start to get into a routine of being awake more, being put down for naps, and if you have other children in the house, baby does eventually have to fit in to the rest of the goings on, after those first few weeks. That doesn't necessitate crying-it-out by any means, but there's a lot between that and rocking your baby to sleep every time. Laying a baby down with needs met, and very drowsy, is a way a baby can fall asleep without any distress. And mom responds if they cry and show they do need something. A one year old or 18mo knows they can get mom to come back by protesting...a young infant simply responds to the needs they have or don't have with crying or contentment.

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